CPS called and wants to meet.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
This is a great place to vent those frustrations. You have a meeting with CPS and you have 2 generally well-behaved kids, and are worried to death that your third kid (the alcoholic - insulting or not, there are hard truths that we all have to face with this disease) is basically going to crap all over the floor during this visit. That's a legit concern.
CPS has concerns over your son - frankly what he did is concerning. Regardless of what reason he has given to rationalize what he did - to fit in, or whatever - that's a pretty big issue. It needs to be taken seriously. He isn't a bad kid for doing this, but he did make a bad choice. He needs some serious guidance here.
CPS will evaluate the household - not necessarily your parenting skills, specifically. The household is in disorder because there's an alcoholic present. There's no getting around that. So, it would be good to have a plan and set boundaries to minimize (for you and your children) that negative affect on your environment at home. Setting the boundary that there is to be no drinking or other kind of using is a great start. You have to stick to it, though, in order for it to be a boundary. Figure out the "or else" here. What is it that you will do if this line is crossed? Setting boundaries with an alcoholic is more about the actions you will no longer tolerate, and the steps that you will take.
It's also a good mentality to not want to be a victim. However, the plain fact is that if you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, you are a victim of that alcoholism. There is no way of getting around that. You are. Your kids are. It has negatively impaired your life and, in some aspects, has taken over parts of your life. Your focus, for one. Acknowledging that will only benefit you, because then you can focus your energy on no longer being a victim of alcoholism. You can't really refuse to be a victim here - but you can refuse to continue being a victim.
I can understand your view on the alcoholic being degenerate and selfish - I don't think it is a stretch to say that most of us who have been affected by an alcoholic have thought something similar at some point. Alcoholism and addiction are both pretty selfish diseases, in the respect that the alcoholic or addict's top priorities are themselves and their addiction. They have an addiction, and only they can pull themselves out of it. So I get that feeling. Most of us do. The key here is that they are the only ones that can pull themselves out. No amount of anything you do will change that.
This is where the support for you comes in - whatever form it may be. You need to focus on yourself and your kids, and take those steps to remove yourselves from being victims of an alcoholic. Those are decisions that you have to make - we can't really tell you what to choose there. I will say, though, that resorting to physical violence is never an acceptable way of dealing with this. It's not setting a good example for your kids, and it's not okay to resort to it. Domestic violence is a very ugly problem, and it's no better than alcoholism. That may be a hard truth that you have to accept.
This CPS visit is a wake up call for you. It's not a wake up call for your parenting skills - it is a wake up call for you and your kids living as victims of alcoholism. You don't like the victim mentality, so don't embrace it. If you don't want to be a victim, then it's time to take the steps to stop being negatively affected by an alcoholic.
CPS has concerns over your son - frankly what he did is concerning. Regardless of what reason he has given to rationalize what he did - to fit in, or whatever - that's a pretty big issue. It needs to be taken seriously. He isn't a bad kid for doing this, but he did make a bad choice. He needs some serious guidance here.
CPS will evaluate the household - not necessarily your parenting skills, specifically. The household is in disorder because there's an alcoholic present. There's no getting around that. So, it would be good to have a plan and set boundaries to minimize (for you and your children) that negative affect on your environment at home. Setting the boundary that there is to be no drinking or other kind of using is a great start. You have to stick to it, though, in order for it to be a boundary. Figure out the "or else" here. What is it that you will do if this line is crossed? Setting boundaries with an alcoholic is more about the actions you will no longer tolerate, and the steps that you will take.
It's also a good mentality to not want to be a victim. However, the plain fact is that if you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, you are a victim of that alcoholism. There is no way of getting around that. You are. Your kids are. It has negatively impaired your life and, in some aspects, has taken over parts of your life. Your focus, for one. Acknowledging that will only benefit you, because then you can focus your energy on no longer being a victim of alcoholism. You can't really refuse to be a victim here - but you can refuse to continue being a victim.
I can understand your view on the alcoholic being degenerate and selfish - I don't think it is a stretch to say that most of us who have been affected by an alcoholic have thought something similar at some point. Alcoholism and addiction are both pretty selfish diseases, in the respect that the alcoholic or addict's top priorities are themselves and their addiction. They have an addiction, and only they can pull themselves out of it. So I get that feeling. Most of us do. The key here is that they are the only ones that can pull themselves out. No amount of anything you do will change that.
This is where the support for you comes in - whatever form it may be. You need to focus on yourself and your kids, and take those steps to remove yourselves from being victims of an alcoholic. Those are decisions that you have to make - we can't really tell you what to choose there. I will say, though, that resorting to physical violence is never an acceptable way of dealing with this. It's not setting a good example for your kids, and it's not okay to resort to it. Domestic violence is a very ugly problem, and it's no better than alcoholism. That may be a hard truth that you have to accept.
This CPS visit is a wake up call for you. It's not a wake up call for your parenting skills - it is a wake up call for you and your kids living as victims of alcoholism. You don't like the victim mentality, so don't embrace it. If you don't want to be a victim, then it's time to take the steps to stop being negatively affected by an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
AW-
Most of the spouses of alcoholics understand your rage, as we have all been there. No one is judging you on what happened. On your posts we see lots of anger and defensiveness. We on one side find compassion for you, but on the other side we see that you also need to get help to deal with the "stress" in your life. You might feel that alcoholism has only affect your husband, but I see differently, as alcoholism is a "FAMILY DISEASE"!!
We validate your anger, but what you need to do is work on releasing that rage in a positive manner. I had that anger also, I was pxssed. But eventually I did not like who I had become. This raging, angry, pxssed off Mom. That was not what I wanted in life. Once I came to terms with that, I opened my heart for forgiveness and compassion. I believe alcoholism is a disease, I do not believe it is a choice. Go and read the alcoholism and new to recovery forums. You feel the pain as these people suffer, no different then our pain. See how they struggle, then maybe you will understand. These people are not purposely out to punish us, by drinking, they suffer and suffer hard. They are truly good people with a horrible disease. One alcoholic told me when I feel so much anger towards my addict to "pray for them". It would release my anger, and God knows that he could use extra prayers, and it did help me. I did not want to be that bitter, angry women.
Do some reading, and educate yourself to this horrible "disease", and only at that point will you find forgiveness and love for your addict, the man that you loved and had married.
Hugs my friend, we all have opinions, take what you want and leave the rest, but just keep coming back, it will help!!
Most of the spouses of alcoholics understand your rage, as we have all been there. No one is judging you on what happened. On your posts we see lots of anger and defensiveness. We on one side find compassion for you, but on the other side we see that you also need to get help to deal with the "stress" in your life. You might feel that alcoholism has only affect your husband, but I see differently, as alcoholism is a "FAMILY DISEASE"!!
We validate your anger, but what you need to do is work on releasing that rage in a positive manner. I had that anger also, I was pxssed. But eventually I did not like who I had become. This raging, angry, pxssed off Mom. That was not what I wanted in life. Once I came to terms with that, I opened my heart for forgiveness and compassion. I believe alcoholism is a disease, I do not believe it is a choice. Go and read the alcoholism and new to recovery forums. You feel the pain as these people suffer, no different then our pain. See how they struggle, then maybe you will understand. These people are not purposely out to punish us, by drinking, they suffer and suffer hard. They are truly good people with a horrible disease. One alcoholic told me when I feel so much anger towards my addict to "pray for them". It would release my anger, and God knows that he could use extra prayers, and it did help me. I did not want to be that bitter, angry women.
Do some reading, and educate yourself to this horrible "disease", and only at that point will you find forgiveness and love for your addict, the man that you loved and had married.
Hugs my friend, we all have opinions, take what you want and leave the rest, but just keep coming back, it will help!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Often the alcoholic in the family becomes the "lead" actor in the family story. They suck up all the time, attention, focus, and energy of the family and take center stage so much that the rest of the family become "bit players" in the home.
When we decide, as you are, that their alcoholism and related disruptive, attention grabbing, negative behavior is no longer the center of the family, we begin to heal and to heal our children as well.
This, to me, isn't as much a discussion of who is victim or who is not. It is a re-centering of who gets the attention, love and focus in the family. That is what you are starting to do now by setting a boundary that your husband cannot be in the home if he is drunk.
What comes next is refocusing the family's attention where it belongs: on your three children. When your son took alcohol to the school, it was, intentional or not, a cry to be seen and heard. He literally was bringing to the attention of other adults the fact that alcohol was hurting him by bringing a BOTTLE of alcohol, the very substance that was causing him pain, to school. And while he might not, overtly, want to be caught, he put himself out there to be revealed adults who would respond directly and clearly to his actions. And that is the result he got with CPS now involved.
My brother and I grew up with an alcoholic father and we responded in different ways. I excelled at school and later in my career, and that was productive but also a way to escape the dysfunction of my homelife. However, I was drawn to narcissistic abusive men and finally, at 62, left my marriage of 20 years to an abusive narcissistic alcoholic husband. I spent the last 3 years understanding that the roots of my choices were in my childhood with my alcoholic father. So, to me, good grades don't necessarily mean a happy healthy child. My brother, on the other hand, became an alcoholic, by his own admission, by the time he was 15 which has diminished the rest of his troubled life.
In my childhood family, there were unspoken but rigid rules: we did not ever talk about my dad's drinking or its effect on us. Because no one intervened, the dysfunction at home was to me, normal. It was all I knew. So it took me decades, till late in my life, to take the lid off the cauldron of roiling emotional dysfunctions that I grew up in.
With your now starting to set boundaries on your husband's drinking at home, and with CPS coming in to help, you have a real chance to look at the problems alcoholism has made in your family and bring them out in the open and fix them.
I hope that you will realize that this is an opening to a new and healthier life for your children and for you. If you harnass your legitimate anger to the purpose of healing, you can make a huge difference in your childrens' futures.
Said with great compassion, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
When we decide, as you are, that their alcoholism and related disruptive, attention grabbing, negative behavior is no longer the center of the family, we begin to heal and to heal our children as well.
This, to me, isn't as much a discussion of who is victim or who is not. It is a re-centering of who gets the attention, love and focus in the family. That is what you are starting to do now by setting a boundary that your husband cannot be in the home if he is drunk.
What comes next is refocusing the family's attention where it belongs: on your three children. When your son took alcohol to the school, it was, intentional or not, a cry to be seen and heard. He literally was bringing to the attention of other adults the fact that alcohol was hurting him by bringing a BOTTLE of alcohol, the very substance that was causing him pain, to school. And while he might not, overtly, want to be caught, he put himself out there to be revealed adults who would respond directly and clearly to his actions. And that is the result he got with CPS now involved.
My brother and I grew up with an alcoholic father and we responded in different ways. I excelled at school and later in my career, and that was productive but also a way to escape the dysfunction of my homelife. However, I was drawn to narcissistic abusive men and finally, at 62, left my marriage of 20 years to an abusive narcissistic alcoholic husband. I spent the last 3 years understanding that the roots of my choices were in my childhood with my alcoholic father. So, to me, good grades don't necessarily mean a happy healthy child. My brother, on the other hand, became an alcoholic, by his own admission, by the time he was 15 which has diminished the rest of his troubled life.
In my childhood family, there were unspoken but rigid rules: we did not ever talk about my dad's drinking or its effect on us. Because no one intervened, the dysfunction at home was to me, normal. It was all I knew. So it took me decades, till late in my life, to take the lid off the cauldron of roiling emotional dysfunctions that I grew up in.
With your now starting to set boundaries on your husband's drinking at home, and with CPS coming in to help, you have a real chance to look at the problems alcoholism has made in your family and bring them out in the open and fix them.
I hope that you will realize that this is an opening to a new and healthier life for your children and for you. If you harnass your legitimate anger to the purpose of healing, you can make a huge difference in your childrens' futures.
Said with great compassion, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
Maybe it’s not a good idea for a meeting with CPS that both you and your husband attend together. Attending together maybe won’t allow you to be totally honest with CPS regarding the environment your son is living in. CPS can provide both you and your son resources that can help you.
It’s never been my experience that the al-anon program victimizes anyone who attends. The only way we can be victims is if that is what we chose to be.
It’s never been my experience that the al-anon program victimizes anyone who attends. The only way we can be victims is if that is what we chose to be.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Your rage is understandable. I've been there-I was so angry at my then husband and that absolutely did impact my parenting. I too had blinders on and once I took them off, they couldn't be put back on. When my ex drank, he could get nasty mean, abusive, taunting and threatening-I did respond physically one time and that's when I knew I needed help-like others have said, spouses of alcoholics usually turn into rigid, angry depressed people...or live in denial refusing to see reality. A lot of spouses don't wabt to see their fault in staying in a marriage like that and it's impacts on the children. I certainly own my issues and how I negatively impacted my marriage and children. I do not deny these things/those are mine to own. You do have a choice-your kids are hurting (I too was the straight A, varsity everything, perfect little student and friend-but was dying inside as a child). Nobody knew.
We are only victims if we let ourselves be. The first step to getting where you wabt to be is admitting where you honestly are.
Peace to you and I wish you luck with CPS. This should be a huge wake up call. I will pray for all of you.
We are only victims if we let ourselves be. The first step to getting where you wabt to be is admitting where you honestly are.
Peace to you and I wish you luck with CPS. This should be a huge wake up call. I will pray for all of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 54
Why does society have to coddle alcoholics? Why do I have to learn about his disease? I have attended a number of his rehab family programs and never bought into this garbage. I'm not the one cracking open a beer at 8AM. I'm not the one passed out in the garage with the car still running. Yet CPS is going to judge me!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ those are choices out if your control. YOUR choice was to stay with someone doing those things and thereby allowing it to very much negatively impact your kids/I'm not saying this harshly-I'm saying this as someone who had to look at what I was doing in my situation. I wasn't protecting my kids by staying and you aren't either. There's a flip side to alcoholism and it's our side-they may have done the horrible things-but WE allow it to impact our kids by staying. That is on us.
CPS is there to see what is going on. They have a right to do so. You just said you have an arrest record for domestic violence. I am not trying to be unkind, it is just that keeping your children in a home exposing them to their father is going to cause negative effects in their lives. Believe me, I get it. When my X hit and pushed me, I kicked him out. I WANTED TO HIT HIM BACK, BADLY. I will readily admit that. I also knew that my children were watching me for my reaction. Basically, every decision you make you need to ask yourself, "Is this what is best for my kids?"
Don't fight CPS being there, work with them and listen to what they say.
Don't fight CPS being there, work with them and listen to what they say.
A government agency with the authority to come into your home and take your children away should be very carefully considered in EVERY instance. Im surprised at the passive attitude that some people here have about that. Dealing with your husband, well, thats a different matter.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 54
He also whines about being depressed. I'm not a doctor but I don't think sucking down 12 beers a day helps? I am looking to get out with the kids. He is insisting that he will stay sober but I've heard this song and dance over and over. He wants me to go with him to an open AA speaker thing. I told him, that I prefer not to be around drunks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 54
He also whines about being depressed. I'm not a doctor but I don't think sucking down 12 beers a day helps? I am looking to get out with the kids. He is insisting that he will stay sober but I've heard this song and dance over and over. He wants me to go with him to an open AA speaker thing. I told him, that I prefer not to be around drunks.
amy
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
I still get frustrated at times and think, 'I never asked for this. I never wanted to learn about alcoholism.' However, I let myself throw that fit, take a breath, and keep reading, because the more I understand alcoholism, the more I can understand how to keep myself from being negatively affected by it.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I think both DoubleBarrel and Amy55's points are very important. Talking with a therapist to vent emotions and then sort through them helps people not get frozen in their anger and move forward.
DoubleBarrel, you are right that CPS has authority to remove children from the home, and a lawyer can help keep the kids with AW. They are not necessarily a benign intervention.
ShootingStar1
DoubleBarrel, you are right that CPS has authority to remove children from the home, and a lawyer can help keep the kids with AW. They are not necessarily a benign intervention.
ShootingStar1
I don't think hopeful was attempting to give legal advice. And I think her comment was right on.
When they get a report the are required by law to make a visit and complete an investigation. That is their job.
IMO, as long as you are cooperative, honest, and forthcoming, it should go well. I know lots of people have had bad experiences with CPS, but they really are there to to help you and to work with you...
When they get a report the are required by law to make a visit and complete an investigation. That is their job.
IMO, as long as you are cooperative, honest, and forthcoming, it should go well. I know lots of people have had bad experiences with CPS, but they really are there to to help you and to work with you...
AW, I was an angry wife. I think there are many here that were angry wives or still are.
The biggest concern right now is your son, and your other 2 children. I would hate to see what would happen if you talk to CPS without trying to calm down. I think that is what all of us here are trying to tell you.
You need to get your focus off of him and onto what is best for you and your children.
You can come here and rant anytime you want. God knows, I did that plenty of times.
I had a goal for so long, that I was going to "fix" him. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. This really isn't a good goal, because it's not something you can do.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
The biggest concern right now is your son, and your other 2 children. I would hate to see what would happen if you talk to CPS without trying to calm down. I think that is what all of us here are trying to tell you.
You need to get your focus off of him and onto what is best for you and your children.
You can come here and rant anytime you want. God knows, I did that plenty of times.
I had a goal for so long, that I was going to "fix" him. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. This really isn't a good goal, because it's not something you can do.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
I want to say right here, that this will never work. When you told him that, you told him (in a way) that he is just like his father and that you have no respect for him. This way of talking to a teenager puts a challenge on them, and they are already angry, and they will want to prove that you are right. I have btdt.
I don't think hopeful was attempting to give legal advice. And I think her comment was right on.
When they get a report the are required by law to make a visit and complete an investigation. That is their job.
IMO, as long as you are cooperative, honest, and forthcoming, it should go well. I know lots of people have had bad experiences with CPS, but they really are there to to help you and to work with you...
When they get a report the are required by law to make a visit and complete an investigation. That is their job.
IMO, as long as you are cooperative, honest, and forthcoming, it should go well. I know lots of people have had bad experiences with CPS, but they really are there to to help you and to work with you...
Why don't you use the CPS visit as an opportunity that your AH gets ZERO visitation now that you're going to split from his craziness to protect the kids??
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