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This is to much for me.

Old 10-16-2015, 06:51 PM
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Pia
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This is to much for me.

1)This week has been so bad, I can't get the images out of my head of my dad on the gurney. I know this is because next month it will be 1 year I lost him. I miss him so much.

2) I broke NC tonight I found out my AH toll fees were put in my name because I paid for his vehicle registration with my credit card. He has to contact them and then some more stuff. I emailed it to him earlier in the week and hadn't heard back so tonight I texted him and of course im not getting a response. Now im like a cat in water waiting for his response.

3) Here is the worse of everything.. I am realizing my mom is addicted to her medications. She is treating me the same way my AH did. She tried to get a reaction out of me and is not coming home tonight and won't tell me where she is going. I just said ok goodbye.
I guess she forgot I am more aware of addiction behaviors. Mom told me she is moving out at the end of next month. I am ok with that now, I know I can't change her she is 75 years old. I know you can't win against addiction.

I am just hurt and disappointed with everyone. Sorry for taking on the victim role.
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Old 10-16-2015, 07:08 PM
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Pia.....I send my sympathies to you,,,,I know the grieving of losing one's parent--I understand how deeply you are hurting. Anniversaries are hard, because the memories come to the surface. I think the first anniversary is the hardest of all.

Perhaps you can do something symbolic and special to honor him....like, maybe, go to church and say a prayer....or, some similar thing.....

It seems like you have a hole in your heart from the feeling of loss of significant people who have been in your life. It really does hit hard....and it requires that you must go through the necessary grieving process for all of them.... The grieving is the beginning of your eventual healing.

I am glad you were able to come here to tell us about it.
My heart goes out to you....

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Old 10-16-2015, 07:16 PM
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Dandylion- I am in so much pain I am in utter despair I can't stop crying tonight.

I feel trapped in a loophole of pain in my mind. I spent most of the week really working hard to say all the grateful things I have in my life but it all came crashing down tonight.

I'm scared to be happy now. Everytime I am happy something goes wrong. I just can't take it.
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Old 10-16-2015, 07:31 PM
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Oh, Pia, you dear soul. Allow yourself to go ahead and cry. Cry until you can't, anymore is my advice. That is nature's way of letting the pain out of your body.

sometimes, we feel like if we let ourselves feel it all---the pain is so deep that it will swallow us up. I have had that feeling, before.
But, it won't. It won't.
Try as you might.....the grief will come to the surface one way or another. Because it must.
Like the tide....it sweeps in and knocks us off our feet.....and, then, it receeds again. Each time it does that, it will become a little less and farther and farther between times.
You loss is still so fresh.
The stress of your mother and the heartbreak must be very draining for you. It would probably be better if there was a little more space between you---even though you love her.

This might be the time for making some changes in your life. We all have to do that from time to time, you know.
For tonight, give yourself to feel what you feel......

tomorrow is a new day.....and, you will get through this, even if it doesn't feel so right now....

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Old 10-16-2015, 08:59 PM
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Pia my heart goes out to you for feeling so sad. I agree that doing something to honour your father would be lovely and help you express the grief. You could write him a letter, have a huge cry and tuck the letter away somewhere. Even tell him your troubles.
I'm glad your mother is moving out if she's started playing games. You have a much better chance of a reasonable relationship if you aren't on top of each other.
If the ex isn't answering your text there must be a way of decoupling your card from the toll fees. Talk to the toll people and see what's possible. Am I correct in thinking the vehicle is still registered to you but he's driving it? What are the implications of that for you? This is something you can control (I hope) by taking decisive action, and that will help with the depression.
My theory about depression is that it can stem from a feeling of powerlessness or lack of closure. It might be things you've left undone for yourself, or power someone else has over you. Have a think about it; is there anything you can control that you need to finish?
If you're sinking too deep into depression please talk to your doctor. It will help to have someone to share your troubles with.
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Old 10-16-2015, 09:39 PM
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I'm so sorry for your pain, Pia. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and a lot to process. I agree that a counselor or therapist could help if it's too overwhelming. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs abd prayers to wrap you up tonight. Peace to you.
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Old 10-17-2015, 06:00 AM
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Sorry friends I cried myself to sleep.

dandylion- Your right I am still having a hard time. I pray all the time and it helps
This might be the time for making some changes in your life. After all the pain ive been through with AH I now understand how you can't help someone. I love my mom dearly but it is best she moves out. I tried all I could and I am at peace with that. The realization that she is addicted just hurts.

FeelingGreat- I love the letter idea I will do it thank you.
My AH vehicle is not in my name at all. Never cosigned or anything the DMV told me I had paid for his registration sticker using my cc. He never called me last night so I am going back NC and going to see what are my other options.
I also found out he is 2 months behind on his vehicle I hope he loses it. (evil laugh)
Forourgirls- Thank you for your hugs I really needed them last night. I wanted to held and told it will be ok but of course I just cried to sleep.
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Old 10-17-2015, 06:27 AM
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One thing you can do right now is report your card lost and ask for a new one with new numbers.

That way, no more fees will go on your card

I'm so sorry you are grieving so deeply, but dandylion is right,
you have to let it surface and feel it before you can fully heal.

Your father must have been a wonderful man--maybe with the sadness,
also remember the many good qualities and happy experiences you had
as part of your personal memorial to him.

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Old 10-17-2015, 01:01 PM
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thank you Hawkeye- Dad was my backbone and Mom was Love. But now I am understanding my reality of Mom has unfortunately changed and I have to accept it. They don't make men like Dad anymore. Family was always a priority and he lived by his words and actions. I always knew I was safe with Dad. No one would hurt his girls.
I went to work this morning for a few hours and I feel better. I am listening to my Audibles and that is helping me redirect my thoughts.
I promised myself that I am going to have the best rest of the year I am 38 years old and it's time for me to be happy. I will have bumps in the road but I have to get through them.

Thank you for reading my post.
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Old 10-17-2015, 08:31 PM
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I took myself to do something for me and that was go to the movies. I of course was all alone half was through I was getting nervous wondering if AH returned my text. However i noticed my signal was off. I took it as a sign to focus on me.
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Old 10-18-2015, 07:05 AM
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Good for you Pia!

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Old 10-18-2015, 07:54 AM
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Thank you dandylion- I listened to my Audible and left it on all night long and boy I feel so much better today.
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