Oh, Pia, you dear soul. Allow yourself to go ahead and cry. Cry until you can't, anymore is my advice. That is nature's way of letting the pain out of your body.
sometimes, we feel like if we let ourselves feel it all---the pain is so deep that it will swallow us up. I have had that feeling, before.
But, it won't. It won't.
Try as you might.....the grief will come to the surface one way or another. Because it must.
Like the tide....it sweeps in and knocks us off our feet.....and, then, it receeds again. Each time it does that, it will become a little less and farther and farther between times.
You loss is still so fresh.
The stress of your mother and the heartbreak must be very draining for you. It would probably be better if there was a little more space between you---even though you love her.
This might be the time for making some changes in your life. We all have to do that from time to time, you know.
For tonight, give yourself to feel what you feel......
tomorrow is a new day.....and, you will get through this, even if it doesn't feel so right now....
dandylion