amy55

Gem,

This is something that I don't like to admit to, and I don't even like to think about this. When I was "in", it was an adrenal rush. Each time that I didn't know what to say or how to react to him, I was "walking on eggshells". I didn't like that feeling. Don't even ask about my self esteem or self confidence, I had none. I just wanted everything to be over with.

I know that it is common to have butterflies in your stomach when you first meet someone, but I had them all the time. Each time that he actually paid attention to me. The "hoovers". I just wanted to believe them so, so much. (They were all lies). But I felt those dam butterflies. It was like this fight was actually over, I exist to him again.

Thing was, I never did actually exist to him again.

That adrenaline rush that I was feeling, turned into PTSD. Never knowing what was going to happen, will he call, or not, will he come home, or not, will he be nice to me, or not? My whole life was full of tension, and when I did actually calm down, when he might be nice for awhile, I got sick, because my body wasn't on 24/7 alert. His caring never lasted. He may have meant it when he said it, but he couldn't keep it up. He was who he was.

I do think I remember you saying he wasn't abusive, but not caring about you and your feelings is abusive. It's emotional abuse. I think a lot of times I was just sinking into the abyss. I didn't care about anything anymore.

I had given away too much of my caring to him, and not getting anything in return.

amy

Gemlitigate

Amy, wow I was in tears reading your last response. I can literally feel the anguish in your words.
To a much lesser extent, I too always felt unsure and in limbo almost daily. My mood would depend on wondering how his mood would be. Would today be a "I'm so in love with you, can't wait to see you, miss you so much" day. Or would today be, "I need my alone time, I'm just not wired to want to be with you all the time" day. The hot and cold decoder ring got exhausting to wear!

DoubleDragons

It is so hard to come to terms that the real love in their lives is alcohol. My alcoholic mother has now decided to give up family Christmases all because of her focus on drinking. A woman who always professed that family was everything to her, has now put all of that focus into the bottle.

Recently I found myself in a fit of jealousy over my (not an alcoholic) husband's "addiction" to his phone and technology. I felt like a third wheel and I start having feelings as if his D*MN phone was another woman. We worked it all out and set technology boundaries for both of us which has made things much better, but I started to better understand, through this situation, how we feel like a second class citizen to our alcoholic's first love, their drink of choice.

Fabat50

Deleted post.

amy55

Gem,

There are so many words that you are using that I have also used. "Limbo". I think you said you were with him for 3 years, I was there 8 times that amount +.

I hope you don't mind that I talk about my experiences, I do that because I am not exactly sure of your experiences.

If my experiences resonate with you, or anyone else's experiences resonate with you, then use them as your "crystal ball" to see the future.

What I am getting from your postings is that he is not emotionally available.

As always take what you can and leave the rest.

At the 3 year mark, or even the four or five year mark, I wasn't seeing the emotional unavalability. I felt it, but I wasn't seeing it. It was at that point that I just thought I was doing everything wrong, I started to "walk on eggshells", tried to fix myself, tried to communicate better, and felt myself living in limboland and everything was based on his "mood du jour".

I was pouring everything that I could into making that relationship work. They talk on this forum about some people having a bottomless pit (like a bucket with a hole on the bottom of it), so we keep trying to fill their bucket, but it never gets filled. They keep wanting more and more. So we keep emptying our bucket to give to them. But what happens when our bucket is empty? We lose our self esteem, our self confidence, our very soul. We soon end up with nothing. It's like we lost ourselves doing this. Let's call this the "love bucket". They always say (I think) to only give away 25% of your bucket to someone else, keep the other 75% for yourself. I gave it all away. I no longer had love for myself.

I wanted it back so bad, I felt so empty inside. I wanted him to give it back to me and to fill up my "love bucket" again.

If you notice here, I am not even talking about alcoholism. I'm talking about personalities.

There are some people who will just suck everything out of you and not give anything back. Emotional Vampires. That is what I was dealing with. My ex had no empathy. He could "fake" it occasionally, but he really didn't have any. He even told me that he didn't.

If you are seeing this behavior now, then I really do think you did the best thing that you could for yourself by breaking things off.

You need someone who truly "cares" for you. You need someone who you can discuss your feelings with, (who will not get mad at you for having feelings). A loving relationship is not "walking on eggshells, and living in limbo.

It took me a really long time, (I'm a slow learner) to realize that I would never get "closure", or "validation" from him. I had to take that empty "bucket" that I had, and start to fill it up myself, first with self love for myself, then if there was any to spear I could give it someone else, but I never let that "bucket" get below a certain level anymore.

I can no longer give love, if I don't have enough for myself.

I do hope that you are feeling a little better today, and I am really happy that your found this family. You really are terrific and you deserve so much better then the crumbs that he gave you.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

ardy

what Apo5 said...There is no logic in alcoholism.
and that goes for drugs too.. hugs kiddo .. you are not alone in this.. don't try to be. for all you are hurting is first your kids and then yourself.. hugs hugs hugs.... I have a friend that hubby is in TV.. she is 3 years out and still a mess try to get her to talik all the time... she knows this Old Lady Clown pal is there for her... golly so sorry for what you are having to do and having to go thro.. love and prayers ardy

atalose

WOW, what a strong woman you are!!! You listened to your instincts, you listened to your feelings that NO HE WAS NOT ENOUGH AND HE'S NEVER GOING TO MEET YOUR NEEDS. and you had the courage and strength to walk away from a relationship that didn't make you feel good about yourself.

Fear and loneness set in after ending a relationship and we panic a little then question if we made the right decision.

I think the farther you get away from this the clearer you will see that you made a wise decision not only for you but your children as well.

PS:
It’s been my experience that most politicians are like the man standing behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz…they make everything APPEAR strong and powerful especially themselves.....

NYCDoglvr

What I discovered was I couldn't trust my own thinking in some matters, especially when codependency was triggered. Despite a lot of work on myself, denial and rationalization still hover around. So I run my ideas by a friend from Alanon to get a reality check. Most of all, don't beat yourself up ... we're all flawed human beings trying to do the right thing.

Liveitwell

Gem-let me tell you how much angst it was to watch the progression in my ex. When we first met and married it was "I want to spend every day of my life with you" to many in between years to one night I vividly recall (trust me, there are many more) when I was sitting inside on the couch reading while he was outside drinking by himself (typical night-every night). For some reason I was just so upset-had it-and I knew not to say anything if he was drinking but I just couldn't keep MY pain inside any longer...I spoke up and yelled at him, "all you do is drink outside by yourself every damn night. Can't you spend some time with your wife and kids? This is your family. I'm your wife-all I want to do is spend time with you". Tears flowing, falling apart crying-couldn't hold it in. His response to ne? He stood there emotionless and looked at me and said "god, all you do is bitch...fine, I'll give you one night a week and hang out with you...". The conversation went south from there. I cannot tell you the depth of my pain in that incident and many others like it. He had put me and us in our place for years-it was me that didn't want to see it.
It's so hard to open your eyes to reality-and much easier to stay in denial and continue to rationalize, believe their words, etc.
anyway, just wanted you to know again that you are not alone-not by a long shot-and that you will 100% be okay. Let him go.

amy55

Forourgirls,

You said it so well. It is so much easier to stay in denial. It really is hard when you need to come out of there and realize that all the things they did say, and all the actions they didn't take begins to destroy our fantasy.

Not really saying fantasy in a bad way, I think it's just the way that we want to look at things. We want to see the good and minimize the bad. I think when our eyes are finally opened that we really want to swim in the river of de nile again, but we can't anymore, because we were just drowning. It's really hard when you know that you, and you alone are the only one that can get you out of there.

amy

Gemlitigate

His sister called me today. Told me he hasn't drank in a week and is going to the gym every day and doing really well and did I happen to read his feauture in the paper. I told her that was great for him and asked her to please refrain from telling me any information about him at all as I am trying to heal. She just kept going on and on about how he loves me and I love him and why can't I just call him and work it out. SERIOUSLY LADY!!!!! More tears. More fantasies. More regrets. Thanks for reading.

amy55

I'll say, that was probably the last thing that you needed to hear today.

I just want you to remember how really special you are. To yourself and to your daughter. The crumbs he was leaving you, not so great.

I know how much things like what you heard today, it just cuts you to the core. Actually it wasn't my ex's family telling me how good he was doing, they were telling me to go to alanon. It was my family that was telling me that I was "nuts", and that he was the best.

I just really want you to remember that your feelings do count. I may or may not know exactly how you are feeling, what I do know though, is that I care about your feelings.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

amy55

I'm sorry, I don't know why I thought you had a daughter. Think it was an assumption on my part. You had stated kids, meaning more then one child.