Gem,
This is something that I don't like to admit to, and I don't even like to think about this. When I was "in", it was an adrenal rush. Each time that I didn't know what to say or how to react to him, I was "walking on eggshells". I didn't like that feeling. Don't even ask about my self esteem or self confidence, I had none. I just wanted everything to be over with.
I know that it is common to have butterflies in your stomach when you first meet someone, but I had them all the time. Each time that he actually paid attention to me. The "hoovers". I just wanted to believe them so, so much. (They were all lies). But I felt those dam butterflies. It was like this fight was actually over, I exist to him again.
Thing was, I never did actually exist to him again.
That adrenaline rush that I was feeling, turned into PTSD. Never knowing what was going to happen, will he call, or not, will he come home, or not, will he be nice to me, or not? My whole life was full of tension, and when I did actually calm down, when he might be nice for awhile, I got sick, because my body wasn't on 24/7 alert. His caring never lasted. He may have meant it when he said it, but he couldn't keep it up. He was who he was.
I do think I remember you saying he wasn't abusive, but not caring about you and your feelings is abusive. It's emotional abuse. I think a lot of times I was just sinking into the abyss. I didn't care about anything anymore.
I had given away too much of my caring to him, and not getting anything in return.
amy