Gem,
There are so many words that you are using that I have also used. "Limbo". I think you said you were with him for 3 years, I was there 8 times that amount +.
I hope you don't mind that I talk about my experiences, I do that because I am not exactly sure of your experiences.
If my experiences resonate with you, or anyone else's experiences resonate with you, then use them as your "crystal ball" to see the future.
What I am getting from your postings is that he is not emotionally available.
As always take what you can and leave the rest.
At the 3 year mark, or even the four or five year mark, I wasn't seeing the emotional unavalability. I felt it, but I wasn't seeing it. It was at that point that I just thought I was doing everything wrong, I started to "walk on eggshells", tried to fix myself, tried to communicate better, and felt myself living in limboland and everything was based on his "mood du jour".
I was pouring everything that I could into making that relationship work. They talk on this forum about some people having a bottomless pit (like a bucket with a hole on the bottom of it), so we keep trying to fill their bucket, but it never gets filled. They keep wanting more and more. So we keep emptying our bucket to give to them. But what happens when our bucket is empty? We lose our self esteem, our self confidence, our very soul. We soon end up with nothing. It's like we lost ourselves doing this. Let's call this the "love bucket". They always say (I think) to only give away 25% of your bucket to someone else, keep the other 75% for yourself. I gave it all away. I no longer had love for myself.
I wanted it back so bad, I felt so empty inside. I wanted him to give it back to me and to fill up my "love bucket" again.
If you notice here, I am not even talking about alcoholism. I'm talking about personalities.
There are some people who will just suck everything out of you and not give anything back. Emotional Vampires. That is what I was dealing with. My ex had no empathy. He could "fake" it occasionally, but he really didn't have any. He even told me that he didn't.
If you are seeing this behavior now, then I really do think you did the best thing that you could for yourself by breaking things off.
You need someone who truly "cares" for you. You need someone who you can discuss your feelings with, (who will not get mad at you for having feelings). A loving relationship is not "walking on eggshells, and living in limbo.
It took me a really long time, (I'm a slow learner) to realize that I would never get "closure", or "validation" from him. I had to take that empty "bucket" that I had, and start to fill it up myself, first with self love for myself, then if there was any to spear I could give it someone else, but I never let that "bucket" get below a certain level anymore.
I can no longer give love, if I don't have enough for myself.
I do hope that you are feeling a little better today, and I am really happy that your found this family. You really are terrific and you deserve so much better then the crumbs that he gave you.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy