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Old 09-09-2015, 05:49 AM
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Dating...

Hi all... Ive been away a while... Sorry... Just been tending to the girlies and living life and juggling stuff and well, just not here... But I miss the community and wanted to come back and chat...

So, Ive had an interesting go of it dating in the world with some recovery in my backpack... Notice I say some... Always a work in progress...

Sort of wondering if others have had the experience of feeling like you attract a "type"?

The "type" I seem to be attracting is a narcissistic, addict "type"... The two Ive dated in the last year both started thing off showering me with accolades and praise and putting me on a pedestal... Hello RED FLAG!

I cant say I disliked it but I for sure noticed that I was not comfortable and I distanced myself a bit and let them know each time, that I'm not perfect, had no desire to be and that I hoped we'd connect when things were good, not so great and everything in between.

Sure enough the instant the perfect glow didnt exist, they had comments and criticism for me.

Each time, (and Im proud of myself here) I explained that my desire wasn't to be a care taker, or reassure another adult nor did I need that from them and that it was fine that they needed that but that it wasn't me they were wanting to be with because I could not offer that.

Im finding that men Ive attracted in their mid 40's want one of two things: to relive their 20's or have someone who'll take care of them.

Im not a fan or attracted to either one.

And both men Ive dated in the last year had what I would define as definite addiction issues...

One seemed to think it was normal to drink 5 or 6 beers in a sitting (the day that happened, I said something and that was pretty much the beginning of the end) and the other announced to me after a month of dating, that he had recently begun smoking weed again after 2 years of attending AA meetings since he felt that he had been using it to cope and I hung around another month after that and was appalled by his classic addict behavior and that was that...

I am totally happy being alone but had met both men through different friends and enjoyed the company for a period of time... It just is disappointing that I seem to attract crummy guys...

Then again, if they're single there's clearly a reason... lol...

So, others of you in the same dating world post life with an addict... Weigh in... Similar experiences?
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Old 09-09-2015, 06:33 AM
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That's the beauty of dating -- you get to see what's out there and reject everything you don't like.

I was very conscious (and still am) of my attraction to not-very-nice men. I am seeing someone exclusively now and am smitten with him through and through, and he has impeccable character, but he's never someone I would have given a glance to prior to my recovery days. He's short, bald, and underemployed. But he's also exceedingly patient, great with kids, involved in the community, smart, well-read, handy, musically-inclined and such a kind person. He's supportive of me and all my wacky interests, and we make a great team. He expressed interest in dating me and I kept him at arms length for a year while I figured out if he was even someone I liked. I saw other people at that time, but they weren't good for me. A tall, lanky, punk rocker with tattoos, a drinking problem, and a bad attitude was generally my speed historically, so this guy was something totally new to me, and more my speed today.

I think if you are going through the world 100% WTBH, doing 100% WTBH things, communicating WTBH's needs, and really honoring what you want from a partner, it will be clear when other folks just don't measure up.
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Old 09-09-2015, 06:40 AM
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Here is my downfall... Im willing to take people at their word-- so this latest dude, was all recovery talk, works with one of my best friends husbands and according to him, has been single by choice for some time to try and figure out who he was etc...

So I was sort of smitten... someone who gets the whole recovery mindset and all was attractive, seemed to be involved as a parent, etc...

But when I saw more to him, I realized that he sort of was a magician in that he was good at presenting one view of himself and acted not so much in the ways he sold himself...

So, I guess Im just skeptical of my "radar" and ability to flesh out decency....

And again, I haven't been actively looking at all and am quite happy to pull the plug on dysfunction which at least is a step in the right direction! I value myself enough to actually sort of enjoy seeing that something isnt right and am totally ok ending it without a whole lot of second thought...

My best friend on the other hand is in the quagmire of making excuses for bad behavior constantly by her live in bf and it makes my head spin to listen to her rationalizing why she stays... But I have to have empathy since I wasn't that far off from that not too many years ago with xNAH...

Yay for you Florence on being with a great guy and a bigger yay on being happy with yourself!
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Old 09-09-2015, 06:47 AM
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So, I guess Im just skeptical of my "radar" and ability to flesh out decency....
I *still* am! I think that's pretty understandable for people who have been through this nightmare.

I also think that finding out that someone you thought was awesome really wasn't is part of dating life, for normies and the rest of us.
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Old 09-09-2015, 06:51 AM
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I think my tolerance level for people being fake and presenting their best self first and then the reality of them coming out later is just particularly agitating to those of us who lived the joy of the A and add narcissist to that and it's double the fun! lol

This latest sold himself as a super involved dad (clearly something I would find attractive) and then proceeded to complain that his ex wife wouldn't keep his son EVERY weekend of the summer while he wanted to go travel around following Phish...

Honestly... grow up... right?
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Old 09-09-2015, 07:56 AM
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I am newly single @ 38 and terrified of when I become ready to date.

1 - History has proven that physically, I am attracted to men with addiction issues
2 - They are also attracted to me
3 - Some are really good at hiding it
4 - Am I going to be too discerning with my recovery in mind?
5 - or not discerning enough - all codie, and just wanting to not be lonely
or
6 - I'll give myself anxiety over it and say screw it, I'm going to be single with cats forever and just shut myself away - lol.

I think if you are going through the world 100% WTBH, doing 100% WTBH things, communicating WTBH's needs, and really honoring what you want from a partner, it will be clear when other folks just don't measure up.
This is great - thanks Florence!
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Old 09-09-2015, 01:52 PM
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I have not ventured into the dating world because I don't feel like I have my feet underneath me to draw my line in the sand.

To me WTBH this speaks of progress. Instead of focusing on what you have dated, I think it speaks volumes that you got out when the red flags showed up. I think that is pretty common with dating.

You give me hope that I can get there one day.
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Old 09-11-2015, 06:03 AM
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I attracted addicts in the early days post exah and emotionally unavailable men. I realised it was me. I had to work on me to stop thinking I was worth so little. Am not the adrenaline junkie addicted to drama queen that I was. Bad boys no longer seem attractive to me. I have turned down a few I'd have thought God's gift only a few short months ago. Now I look for stable, kind and compatibility based on common interests and lifestyles. I'd have said they were boring a while back but I crave that sort now. You will know if you continue to work on yourself. I see red flags all the time now. I didn't know what one was until I joined this forum.
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