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My X is giving our 16 yr old beer

Old 07-10-2015, 10:04 AM
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My X is giving our 16 yr old beer

So, last night my 16 year old and I had a 2 hour long cry session and heart to heart. Apparently, his father is giving him beer and my son was quite upset about the fact that he has been drinking. He told me that his father is dumping on him emotionally and that he (my son) hates his family, wants to live with another family, wants another life, wanted to commit suicide a few months ago, etc.

There was a TON more to what we talked about. Suffice it to say: he is hurting and stressed and hates spending so much time with his dad. I'm ticked off about the 'let's invite our teenage son to drink with me' crap, honestly.

So, ds and I agreed that he is going back to counseling and that he will at least give Al Anon a try even though he's not into trying AlaTeen. I left a message for his old counselor who helped ds with some anxiety issues a few years ago.

There is so much more but I just needed to vent and get a grip right now. I hate alcoholism.....nuff said.
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Old 07-10-2015, 10:08 AM
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Do you have a legal custody order? I'd report this to the courts immediately. It's illegal and no child should have to put up with being coerced to drink. I'm so sorry this is happening to you both. xo
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Old 07-10-2015, 10:26 AM
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I have no words but I am not surprised. My ex flat out told me he would provide alcohol to our girls when they are in highschool just like his queen of a mom did for him-and let them and their friends drink at home. Um, ain't happening buddy. Sick sick sick just passing on this generational sin. Call the police or report to your lawyer/courts immediately. Dad of the year :/
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Old 07-10-2015, 11:13 AM
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That's disgusting Liz, especially considering all the challenges your DS already faces with health problems.

My heart is breaking for your DS.... he's obviously feeling pressured by XAH & that is awfully abusive of his dad to put him in this position. I can't tell you what to do but I know if it were me I'd be on the phone with my attorney finding out the best way to get this abuse reported legally & what I had to do to justify stopping visitation.

I realize this isn't an easy thing with the way your lives are set up now for your Ex to help out with DS's activities & schooling but the minute he brought up suicide, the game changed IMO.

((((((HUGS))))) Mama - it's AWESOME that he came to you & cried it out!!!!!! He's asking for help the only way he knows how.
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Old 07-10-2015, 12:22 PM
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So sick. Sorry to read about this.

My A dad used to push alcohol onto us kids too! Sick indeed.
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Old 07-10-2015, 01:51 PM
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((HUGS)) Liz. I know how devastated you are about this, and how hopeful you were that they were building a positive relationship.

I agree that this is the kind of behavior that would enrage a judge, and would be enough for you to obtain primary placement. I'm not sure what the laws are in your state about modifying alimony, but if the situation puts you in a position of having to quit your job, you might be able to petition for an increase in alimony. Just something to think about.
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Old 07-10-2015, 02:02 PM
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I'm not familiar with the law where you live, but in most places a 16 y/o is allowed to decide whether s/he wants to spend time with the noncustodial parent. Under the circumstances I cannot imagine a judge forcing him.

At this point, I think I would just inform your ex that your son doesn't want to see him. Period. You don't have to tell him why. Let him go to court if he wants to push it, and my bet is that the court will be on your side on this. Talk to a lawyer if you can, but I'd let your son off the hook for these visits that are upsetting him that much.
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Old 07-10-2015, 02:13 PM
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Do you have a legal custody order? I'd report this to the courts immediately. It's illegal and no child should have to put up with being coerced to drink. I'm so sorry this is happening to you both. xo
What Readerbaby said. This is unconscionable.
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Old 07-10-2015, 02:17 PM
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i agree, the last visit was the LAST VISIT.
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Old 07-11-2015, 05:03 PM
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Ok so here's the rub. I let da have 2 sips of moscato when I had a glass of wine out recently. He told his dad and my x is now using this against me because he claims it was only a few sips of beer. The way my son acted, though, you'd think he had committed a crime. Anyway I don't know if my son is over reacting or if he's playing me or if X is thing the truth.

Either way, x told me not to play this game and threatened to document my actions against me; how I would get pedicures during the day while my son did schoolwork at home, or would play tennis, etc.
Honestly it's all twisted because he used to force me to get out of the house and let our son stay home alone to get work done so I started leaving. It's like a big game to him and he needs me to lose!

Anyway I did make an appointment for our son with a counselor so I figure it's just one step at a time.
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Old 07-11-2015, 05:17 PM
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What a loser he is. Documentation of a pedicure and tennis as proof of WHAT?
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Old 07-11-2015, 05:18 PM
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I guess I need to ask a question to the big pink elephant in the room... Why in the world would you give DS any sip of moscato wine with the background of your AH's behavior and affect on the family?
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Old 07-11-2015, 05:53 PM
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I don't think it's necessarily child abuse to give a teenager a sip of beer or wine or whatever. I think your son would find it traumatic that his ALCOHOLIC dad would encourage him to drink--it's sort of like saying, "C'mon, kid, be a loser like me." Ugh.

The bigger issue, to me, is that it upset your son, and your son is finding the visits upsetting. This doesn't have to involve your trying to show he's not fit to visit his son. I think his son's wishes are enough, standing alone, to justify not making him go.
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Old 07-11-2015, 06:54 PM
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I'm kind of with Refiner-my gut said why on earth would you let him have a sip of wine?! (Given the family history and all) I'm not turning this on you-just asking the logical question. For your ex, he will not be responsible with alcohol and seeing as he thinks nothjng is wrong with him, it's not surprising he pushes alcohol to his son. My exs parents and family is the same way. It's not right!!!!
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Old 07-11-2015, 07:02 PM
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Lexie's right, and my take away from what she is saying is that you don't need to get diverted by all these details. If your 16 year old son doesn't want to be with him then, at 16, his wishes should be given some weight.

My situation was similar in that my daughter couldn't stand her father when she was 16, and my focus, at that point, was to try and guide my daughter toward an adult relationship with her dad. One where I wouldn't need to step in and mediate. Counseling and Alanon were both a great help to her.

I'll keep you and your son in my thoughts.
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Old 07-12-2015, 07:58 AM
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All drinking or not drinking aside... I do believe at 16 your DS should be able to call the shots and if he doesn't want to be around his A dad, he shouldn't be forced to.
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Old 07-12-2015, 08:39 AM
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Hi Liz,

I saw both of your posts in this thread. I think your X and your DS know of your guilt regarding son being home alone, school struggles, etc. I think they are both playing you to some extent. If you pull the plug on daddy time, it frees him up to blame you and continue drinking. He can't lose. (Well, he will lose the emotional dumping ground of his son...). I wouldn't be surprised if your son at some level wants you home and not working 'like the old days' when you were pretty much his personal assistant, tutor , and driver.

But the old days are over. You need to work for independence and to teach your son what the real world looks like. Even with his LD, he is fast approaching greater adult responsibilities and you are it for a healthy model.

As for the wine: this puts you at a weak arguing position with XAH. He is out to get you and your son is his primary weapon. Be alert and cautious for what seems normal to a 'normal' family is not normal when son has a LD and an alcoholic father recently divorced and likely bitter.

I'm glad you two really talked things over though. Teen boys can get so silent. It is great to hear he can open up to you still!

Take care!
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Old 07-12-2015, 09:54 AM
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Counseling is a good place to start. I have a 16 year old boy too and sometimes 16 is just 16, even in the best of circumstances.
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Old 07-12-2015, 03:05 PM
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hi, I am very familiar with the cosmic maternal guilt and its consequences on my troubled daughter.
Please get some professional support for yourself , and encourage your son to see somebody who works with adolescents and children of alcoholics
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Old 07-12-2015, 03:57 PM
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^^ absolutely counseling for son...I fully plan on having both of my girls in Alateen when they are of age. Alanon has helped me immensely.
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