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My X is giving our 16 yr old beer

Old 07-12-2015, 04:24 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Just wanted to chime in with support for Liztola--I get why she might give her DS a sip or two of wine. In the past when my kids were younger, I wanted them to know that MOST people can enjoy a glass of wine once in awhile, without it turning into a giant drunk fest!

So, for better or for worse, maybe she just was trying to demonstrate a "normal" drinking situation for him? And giving him a sip or two of wine showed him that, while the disease of alcoholism is horrible, the alcohol itself doesn't have the negative power over those who aren't afflicted with it?

Just my idea...
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Old 07-12-2015, 04:33 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I don't think it's necessarily child abuse to give a teenager a sip of beer or wine or whatever. I think your son would find it traumatic that his ALCOHOLIC dad would encourage him to drink--it's sort of like saying, "C'mon, kid, be a loser like me." Ugh.

The bigger issue, to me, is that it upset your son, and your son is finding the visits upsetting. This doesn't have to involve your trying to show he's not fit to visit his son. I think his son's wishes are enough, standing alone, to justify not making him go.
Ok, so the wine thing from me was a HUGE mistake and I admit that. We were talking about how some churches we know of still use wine for communion and it let to me letting him take a sip. That was it. And, Sikofit's post kind of summed it up as to how I justified it but it was a poor decision on my part.

As for his dad, I have no idea what's going on over there but I do know it's unhealthy and I know my son is being put in a precarious position.

I made an appointment with his counselor for next week and he is actually with me all this week as my X is out of town for business. I also plan on taking him to an Al Anon meeting soon.

I am grateful that he talks to me; even if he should have talked to me sooner. I have to admit that my son might even be playing me or manipulating the situation in some ways to alleviate his emotional distress. I don't think he's malicious in his actions but I wonder if he has trouble just saying, "I don't want to stay at dad's again...ever." And, instead he tells me how he gets headaches over there, how dad gives him beer (when really he might even be exaggerating it?), etc.

And, again, this is why counseling may be the best thing for him because he'll have a third party listening and he'll hopefully feel free to share his feelings without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings.
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Old 07-12-2015, 04:55 PM
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Liz, just so glad he's communicating with you - age 16 can be so difficult in every day normal situations. Glad he doesn't have scheduled time with A dad this week, either!
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:00 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Manipulation is a pernicious word, there is a lot of psychiatric literature on the misuse of the word, particularly by professionals.
As you said, he is probably transferring his distress and ambivalence on you, because you are his mother. He is 16, most of us adults have a hard time feeling and accepting our emotions, how do we know how to communicate them clearly if we don't know what they are in the first place? By learning to accept your feelings and to express them clearly without judging them, you can help him understand and accept his own. We are our children's mirror> sometimes the mirror gets foggy or dirty (metaphor)> so we clean it up, and continue...
Best to you
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:07 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I'm so angry I'm shaking and it's not even my kid.
(I'm actually so angry I forgot I can't swear here so my initial sentence was starred out.)
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