The beast has emerged!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
I had therapy today.....my therapist (who is also Steves therapist) said she can't tell if he is more addicted to the alcohol or the anger. We were talking about whether or not I can continue to grow and practice my self love stuff with him in my life. I just broke down. Pretty sure we all know the answer to that, which I'm sure it's why she asked me that. She has never encouraged or discouraged me to leave, which is frustrating for me. I know she's doing her job by forcing me to make that judgment call on my own, but sometimes I just want her to say "niki- you are barking up the wrong tree, move on!" I mean, she basically did, in a rhetorical way..i guess.
He has been a little weird lately. Spacey and distant. Makes me nervous.
I have a job interview next Monday. *fingers crossed *
I'm confused. I'm angry and I'm pissed at myself.
He has been a little weird lately. Spacey and distant. Makes me nervous.
I have a job interview next Monday. *fingers crossed *
I'm confused. I'm angry and I'm pissed at myself.
I would suggest that, when setting off to put yourself in a position to be self-reliant, keep those details to yourself for the time being. A man with anger/abuse issues seeks control, and will try to mess this up for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by minime13
Does he know of the job interview? If he has anger and control issues, he will not take this well.
I would suggest that, when setting off to put yourself in a position to be self-reliant, keep those details to yourself for the time being. A man with anger/abuse issues seeks control, and will try to mess this up for you.
I would suggest that, when setting off to put yourself in a position to be self-reliant, keep those details to yourself for the time being. A man with anger/abuse issues seeks control, and will try to mess this up for you.
My gut tells me to be Leary. I feel something down the pipeline.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile.....I am not speaking against this therapist. However, I think that you need a support GROUP of women (a therapy group) which is specifically for i ndividuals who have a history of trauma and abuse in their backgrounds. It is unusual for a counselor to have both clients........
It may "tie her hands a bit"......But I am not going to try to tell you what to do with that......
My great concern is that you get MORE social support from face to face people----with a group facilitator who is experienced in this field. The group becomes like a "family" of peeps who have your back!!
I wonder if you are afraid of h is reaction to the places that you go or if you joined such a group? Just wondering????
I know...at least, in the past, you did not discuss these things with your peers. Girl, we all need a group of people who we can trust who are on our side (so to speak)----in addition to relying just on the man in our life or an intimate partner.
Some of us have to create such a group of people if we are not lucky enough to already have them in our lives. A person can get pretty isolated if our family is dysfunctional and our partner is addicted.
You are facing quite a crossroad with some heavy decisions to be m ade===you need all the help you can gather around you....including US (lol) and law enforcement....your therapeutic co mmunity/domestic violence workers. Any other neighbors and friends that you have, also.
This road is too difficult to walk without the support of all those who love y ou......
dandylion
It may "tie her hands a bit"......But I am not going to try to tell you what to do with that......
My great concern is that you get MORE social support from face to face people----with a group facilitator who is experienced in this field. The group becomes like a "family" of peeps who have your back!!
I wonder if you are afraid of h is reaction to the places that you go or if you joined such a group? Just wondering????
I know...at least, in the past, you did not discuss these things with your peers. Girl, we all need a group of people who we can trust who are on our side (so to speak)----in addition to relying just on the man in our life or an intimate partner.
Some of us have to create such a group of people if we are not lucky enough to already have them in our lives. A person can get pretty isolated if our family is dysfunctional and our partner is addicted.
You are facing quite a crossroad with some heavy decisions to be m ade===you need all the help you can gather around you....including US (lol) and law enforcement....your therapeutic co mmunity/domestic violence workers. Any other neighbors and friends that you have, also.
This road is too difficult to walk without the support of all those who love y ou......
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
FTS I agree with the others as well. Please surround yourself with discrete support. Yeah, I'm sure he seems "off" and "distant" cuz he's off some major brain chemistry meds still thinking he knows it all. Be very, very careful, FTS!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Yes, I do get the drift and I will proceed with extreme caution.
I guess I don't know too much about the DV support groups around here. I've only ever been to al-anon. I may give it a shot if I can....I guess I've just always enjoyed my solitude. I have a friend or two that I talk to on occasion... But that's about it.
I will think about this.
And yes, I will be careful. It pisses me off to say that AGAIN. "I'll be careful"...... No one should HAVE to say that about their home life.
Thanks guys!
I guess I don't know too much about the DV support groups around here. I've only ever been to al-anon. I may give it a shot if I can....I guess I've just always enjoyed my solitude. I have a friend or two that I talk to on occasion... But that's about it.
I will think about this.
And yes, I will be careful. It pisses me off to say that AGAIN. "I'll be careful"...... No one should HAVE to say that about their home life.
Thanks guys!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
F2S, I identify with that frustration you're feeling with your therapist. I, too, have sometimes wished over the years that my therapist would just tell me straight what they think I should do. I think you're probably right that she is trying to allow you the space to figure out for yourself what is right for you. It does sound like she is indicating at least that he is addicted both to alcohol and to rage. But I guess that making the decision to end this kind of relationship is probably a bit like addiction, in that the person has to want to be done from deep down inside them and other people can only do so much to try to talk them into it. But I get it, that you want to hear some straight talk and not have people tiptoe around you. Honestly, I have thought about replying to this thread but hesitated because I feared that my thoughts would offend or upset you during what I imagine must be a very difficult time. But since you are craving straight talk, I can only offer what I would say if a good friend or sister came to me wanting to know whether I thought she could ever make it work with someone who had in the past assaulted her and put his hands around her neck in an aggressive manner. I would tell her to run for the hills. I would say that this goes beyond barking up the wrong tree--this is more like barking at a snake that has already bitten you once. I'm sorry if that's too blunt, but I do think you deserve a little honesty and straightforwardness from the people you turn to for support. Please do take good care of yourself.
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freetosmile......I agree with jjj......Often, if a therapist tells someone straight-out what to do (even if it is the right thing)....the person will come back later and "blame" the therapist if everything doesn't work out perfectly......or, if they feel less than happy.....rather than making their own decisions and taking responsibility for the results....
Sometimes, the client wants the therapist to make the decision so that they don't have to appear to be the "bad guy"------:"The therapist told me to leave him".....but, I really didn't want to." "It was the wrong decision and it is the therapist's fault".
It is sort of like teaching the client to fish rather than just handing the client a fish. It is building self-confidence and self-reliance and self-esteem. You have to be able to operate from self committment...not just follow what someone told you....
dandylion
dandylion
Sometimes, the client wants the therapist to make the decision so that they don't have to appear to be the "bad guy"------:"The therapist told me to leave him".....but, I really didn't want to." "It was the wrong decision and it is the therapist's fault".
It is sort of like teaching the client to fish rather than just handing the client a fish. It is building self-confidence and self-reliance and self-esteem. You have to be able to operate from self committment...not just follow what someone told you....
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I think I'd find a different therapist. Not that she is necessarily steering you wrong or shortchanging you, but think about it. There is an inherent conflict of interest when the same therapist is treating both parties--especially in an abusive relationship. Your interests might not coincide with his--which client does she "support" the most? She might be doing a terrific job with both of you, but I'm not sure I'd want to take the chance if things go south. I think you need someone concerned ONLY for what's best for YOU.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile......I agree with jjj......Often, if a therapist tells someone straight-out what to do (even if it is the right thing)....the person will come back later and "blame" the therapist if everything doesn't work out perfectly......or, if they feel less than happy.....rather than making their own decisions and taking responsibility for the results....
Sometimes, the client wants the therapist to make the decision so that they don't have to appear to be the "bad guy"------:"The therapist told me to leave him".....but, I really didn't want to." "It was the wrong decision and it is the therapist's fault".
It is sort of like teaching the client to fish rather than just handing the client a fish. It is building self-confidence and self-reliance and self-esteem. You have to be able to operate from self committment...not just follow what someone told you....
dandylion
dandylion
Sometimes, the client wants the therapist to make the decision so that they don't have to appear to be the "bad guy"------:"The therapist told me to leave him".....but, I really didn't want to." "It was the wrong decision and it is the therapist's fault".
It is sort of like teaching the client to fish rather than just handing the client a fish. It is building self-confidence and self-reliance and self-esteem. You have to be able to operate from self committment...not just follow what someone told you....
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
You are taking good care of yourself by seeking a job that will allow you to set aside funds.
I'd echo Dandylions suggestion that you seek a group of supportive women. You may not realize how isolated living with a jealous alcoholic is, til your life becomes rich with connections to people as supportive and empathic as you are!
I'd echo Dandylions suggestion that you seek a group of supportive women. You may not realize how isolated living with a jealous alcoholic is, til your life becomes rich with connections to people as supportive and empathic as you are!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LOl! I would like to shout Glefan's words from the rooftops!!
When I divorced my narcissistic husband and I left with 3 little kids (aand also returned to school, again for a m ore advanced degree) I would never have made it without a community of other (mostly) divorced mothers. I always had a shoulder to cry on or to rely on. The staff at the daycare center became part of our extended family.....
Men may come and go...but, it is your true girlfriends and women friends who will be there when the tough times come.....
dandylion
When I divorced my narcissistic husband and I left with 3 little kids (aand also returned to school, again for a m ore advanced degree) I would never have made it without a community of other (mostly) divorced mothers. I always had a shoulder to cry on or to rely on. The staff at the daycare center became part of our extended family.....
Men may come and go...but, it is your true girlfriends and women friends who will be there when the tough times come.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey girlie, good to hear from you. I had typed up a really long post, and I lost it.
1st, I am so proud of you and what you are accomplishing. I really do think you are terrific.
2nd, listen to everyone else who is posting here. We really do love you. We just want the best for you.
I wanted to say something else to you also. I went through cancer, actually 2 cancers and a DVT. It was the first time my ex was nice to me in a long time. I thought that he might have realized that I could have died, and that it woke him up. It didn't. I went through treatment for those conditions for a year. He was mostly okay. Then 2 months after my treatment, we were just having a normal conversation, I would actually say that I thought I was having a good day, then he came out with, I see you are the same b!tch I knew you were. I was in shock. I really thought we were getting along, so I questioned him. He told me that he knows that I am stronger now, (meaning boundaries, and knowing what abuse is). He increased his abuse 100%then. That was when I really went down.
Just always know that we are here for you. I do think you do know that. We care about you a lot here. You are our family.
((((((((hugs)))))))
amy
1st, I am so proud of you and what you are accomplishing. I really do think you are terrific.
2nd, listen to everyone else who is posting here. We really do love you. We just want the best for you.
I wanted to say something else to you also. I went through cancer, actually 2 cancers and a DVT. It was the first time my ex was nice to me in a long time. I thought that he might have realized that I could have died, and that it woke him up. It didn't. I went through treatment for those conditions for a year. He was mostly okay. Then 2 months after my treatment, we were just having a normal conversation, I would actually say that I thought I was having a good day, then he came out with, I see you are the same b!tch I knew you were. I was in shock. I really thought we were getting along, so I questioned him. He told me that he knows that I am stronger now, (meaning boundaries, and knowing what abuse is). He increased his abuse 100%then. That was when I really went down.
Just always know that we are here for you. I do think you do know that. We care about you a lot here. You are our family.
((((((((hugs)))))))
amy
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