The beast has emerged!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This!!! You are a completely different person! Sending you lots of love my friend!!! XXX
Originally Posted by Sungrl 
You're not back at square one. He might be, but you're not.
^^^^^^
Love how you worded that. It's 100% true!
^^^^^^
Love how you worded that. It's 100% true!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
So, he did NOT go into town to buy beer the other night. He went to a meeting. He came back and said that he was just overwhelmed with recovery and going no contact with his mother and brother. He said he was really sorry and that I didn't deserve this. He said he is just so angry all the time and he doesn't know where to take it. He's mad at his mom, he's mad at his brother, he's mad at me.....the guy is just so damn angry.
So, what did FTS do? Well I practiced my listening skills. I listened deeply and didn't say a word. I did not take ANYTHING this man said to heart, because I just had to remind myself - this is HIS suffering, not mine. It was a good way to detach from it.
So.... I don't know. He did go to therapy yesterday and I think that really helped.
I am really really nervous because all of this took me by surprise. I didn't have the gut feeling that I usually get before things go south...so I was really off gaurd.
So...he apologized. hurray
God I feel so stupid.
But-- heres my plan. I'm going to school this fall. I'm going to focus and I'm going to succeed. I'm going to seperate and detach from this. Especially before it gets worse.
You guys- I've been feeling so good lately. The air in my house has been tension free and loving. The other day when he went off....I could literally feel the air weighing me down. My tummy started to hurt and I just felt "tight" all over my body. I know for a fact that I cannot go through this again.
So, what's one of the MAIN reasons we are scared to go? Finances and support.
I already went out and applied for some nursing jobs until I finish school. The nursing home will have to do for now. It will get me by until I graduate. Yep, it's gonna be tough...but he had me right where he wanted me for the past year because I wasn't working and therefore felt vulnerable. So I'm getting a job.
That way- if he flips- I can just be done without the money worry.
I don't know you guys. I don't know what to think. He drank, flew off the handle, then apologized and jumped back on the wagon........
Any thoughts on moves I should be making now (besides getting a job) or am I future tripping at this point?
So, what did FTS do? Well I practiced my listening skills. I listened deeply and didn't say a word. I did not take ANYTHING this man said to heart, because I just had to remind myself - this is HIS suffering, not mine. It was a good way to detach from it.
So.... I don't know. He did go to therapy yesterday and I think that really helped.
I am really really nervous because all of this took me by surprise. I didn't have the gut feeling that I usually get before things go south...so I was really off gaurd.
So...he apologized. hurray
God I feel so stupid.
But-- heres my plan. I'm going to school this fall. I'm going to focus and I'm going to succeed. I'm going to seperate and detach from this. Especially before it gets worse.
You guys- I've been feeling so good lately. The air in my house has been tension free and loving. The other day when he went off....I could literally feel the air weighing me down. My tummy started to hurt and I just felt "tight" all over my body. I know for a fact that I cannot go through this again.
So, what's one of the MAIN reasons we are scared to go? Finances and support.
I already went out and applied for some nursing jobs until I finish school. The nursing home will have to do for now. It will get me by until I graduate. Yep, it's gonna be tough...but he had me right where he wanted me for the past year because I wasn't working and therefore felt vulnerable. So I'm getting a job.
That way- if he flips- I can just be done without the money worry.
I don't know you guys. I don't know what to think. He drank, flew off the handle, then apologized and jumped back on the wagon........
Any thoughts on moves I should be making now (besides getting a job) or am I future tripping at this point?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Good for you that you just listened and didn't engage !
Ah the all elusive apology .. tough to get one from an A. Is'nt it funny that normies would not get excited about an apology , it is really just a natural thing healthy people do when they have hurt someones feelings.
Ah the all elusive apology .. tough to get one from an A. Is'nt it funny that normies would not get excited about an apology , it is really just a natural thing healthy people do when they have hurt someones feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Ontario
Posts: 10
Hello I am new here, and have about 300 days in recovery now, when I hear you speak about this man it scares me, I feel like him and myself have a lot in common. I have never been physically abusive but I have been hard on my wife, I am extremely guilty and sometimes almost feel like I should do her a favour and leave. I have had a difficult upbringing that has shaped me into a difficult man, sometimes I do not feel like I am fit to be in a relationship. All I can say is I really hope the best for the two of you, addiction is a horrible evil demon. You don't deserve the abuse and should do whats best for your kids, and at the same time I really feel sad for this man because he will lose everything and it will make things worse. It's almost like diving out of a plane that's going down and taking the last parachute with you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wrong. Congrats on your 300 days, but the partner (especially one who has been abused ) has ZERO obligation toward the alcoholic, other than not to cause unnecessary suffering. Your airplane analogy is flawed, too. There is no "last parachute" on the plane that's going down. The alcoholic/addict has his/her OWN parachute. It's his/her Higher Power if you are in AA, or the power of the universe or one's own determination to live sober no matter what if you don't believe in AA. One person can never keep another person sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile....I am so relieved to see h ow you are holding up and how you are endeavoring to make your plans for your own future in an objective and realistic manner.....
To be honest...from where I sit--- it is not that he relapsed....because he seemed to have handled that well,,,and, we know that relapse can happen ....but it is the jealousy and constant fear of infideity (where there is no reason to ) that he harbors.
I suspect the roots for this go deep.....and, jealousy is a powerful and dangerous emotion. It is enormously painful to experience....hence the danger.
I think that, sometimes, it turns out that there truly are what the courts call "unreconsilable(?) differences" between two people. After all, as l ife goes on we all change (and hopefully grow) and----it may happen the we grow apart or are no longer as compatible as we might have been at one time....
It is my thought that as both of you grow---you may discover that he is not the right partner for you.
I think you are very smart to continue your schooling and to have your own job.....As I think you are right that it is easier for him to feel his "ownership" of you if you don't have any independent means.
His "ownership" of you seems to have been an ongoing issue for him---and a big problem for you!
These are my thoughts for you, right now....
dandylion
To be honest...from where I sit--- it is not that he relapsed....because he seemed to have handled that well,,,and, we know that relapse can happen ....but it is the jealousy and constant fear of infideity (where there is no reason to ) that he harbors.
I suspect the roots for this go deep.....and, jealousy is a powerful and dangerous emotion. It is enormously painful to experience....hence the danger.
I think that, sometimes, it turns out that there truly are what the courts call "unreconsilable(?) differences" between two people. After all, as l ife goes on we all change (and hopefully grow) and----it may happen the we grow apart or are no longer as compatible as we might have been at one time....
It is my thought that as both of you grow---you may discover that he is not the right partner for you.
I think you are very smart to continue your schooling and to have your own job.....As I think you are right that it is easier for him to feel his "ownership" of you if you don't have any independent means.
His "ownership" of you seems to have been an ongoing issue for him---and a big problem for you!
These are my thoughts for you, right now....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago
Posts: 57
FTS, I second Dandy.
No way to know what direction your A will head in tomorrow (or next week, or month). Sometimes the hardest falls come after a streak of progress - and I mean progress in therapy and in life, more so than "just" progress in sobriety. It hurts like hell to watch someone grow in leaps and bounds, actually seem to be heading for "real" adulthood, then hit a wall and slide right back into the pits of A thinking and behavior.
A therapist told me once, each and every one of us is, at any given time in life, either headed up (toward wellness and health, emotional and otherwise) or headed down (backing away from the positive and creeping slowly toward emotional and physical disease and dysfunction). As a person (you, FTS!) heads "up" and pursues health and self-actualization, they will find themselves surrounded by others who are also pursuing health. This is a natural result of choosing to embrace the positive, because like attracts like and because dysfunction abhors emotional wellness.
I guess my point is, FTS, keep on the path up toward health. Your A may do the same, which would require him to work through some of his underlying issues issues. In that case, you may still fit together as you both grow. On the other hand, A may start to spiral down in which case you will probably find yourselves in two different places. That, too, is the natural order of things - and the closer you get to healthy, the easier it will be to see and accept this divergence.
I'm sorry if that sounds patronizing, the "heading up / heading down" concept has helped me a lot but it's difficult to put into words...
No way to know what direction your A will head in tomorrow (or next week, or month). Sometimes the hardest falls come after a streak of progress - and I mean progress in therapy and in life, more so than "just" progress in sobriety. It hurts like hell to watch someone grow in leaps and bounds, actually seem to be heading for "real" adulthood, then hit a wall and slide right back into the pits of A thinking and behavior.
A therapist told me once, each and every one of us is, at any given time in life, either headed up (toward wellness and health, emotional and otherwise) or headed down (backing away from the positive and creeping slowly toward emotional and physical disease and dysfunction). As a person (you, FTS!) heads "up" and pursues health and self-actualization, they will find themselves surrounded by others who are also pursuing health. This is a natural result of choosing to embrace the positive, because like attracts like and because dysfunction abhors emotional wellness.
I guess my point is, FTS, keep on the path up toward health. Your A may do the same, which would require him to work through some of his underlying issues issues. In that case, you may still fit together as you both grow. On the other hand, A may start to spiral down in which case you will probably find yourselves in two different places. That, too, is the natural order of things - and the closer you get to healthy, the easier it will be to see and accept this divergence.
I'm sorry if that sounds patronizing, the "heading up / heading down" concept has helped me a lot but it's difficult to put into words...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
I also forgot to add that he is off his meds. He wanted to try life without them and see if he can handle it.....so it's been about a month now that he is off....
I really think I'm dealing with some duel dx stuff. As I and other posters have mentioned...the abuse and jealousy are not alcohol related in my opinion and I have made that clear to him (that I feel that way).
I keep thinking that this man is WAY to angry for me to live with. It's always just right below the surface, ya know?
I'm one of those people who can really really FEEL others emotions and it just rolls off of them in waves.....literally waves- I know it's weird...but I'm telling you I can FEEL this crap.
I talked to my grandma- as you all remember she REALLY helped us out when AH was in treatment. She said I should just be quietly putting money away (when I start working again). Nothing is a crisis yet, so just being more prepared is probably better. I'm not going to tip toe around this dude, but I think I should--for my own safety and that of the kiddos)---begin self-sufficiency preparations. It's a lot easier to handle the emotional BS if the money BS is under control, ya know?
Thanks so much everyone...good thoughts here. I love you all ! Hugs
I really think I'm dealing with some duel dx stuff. As I and other posters have mentioned...the abuse and jealousy are not alcohol related in my opinion and I have made that clear to him (that I feel that way).
I keep thinking that this man is WAY to angry for me to live with. It's always just right below the surface, ya know?
I'm one of those people who can really really FEEL others emotions and it just rolls off of them in waves.....literally waves- I know it's weird...but I'm telling you I can FEEL this crap.
I talked to my grandma- as you all remember she REALLY helped us out when AH was in treatment. She said I should just be quietly putting money away (when I start working again). Nothing is a crisis yet, so just being more prepared is probably better. I'm not going to tip toe around this dude, but I think I should--for my own safety and that of the kiddos)---begin self-sufficiency preparations. It's a lot easier to handle the emotional BS if the money BS is under control, ya know?
Thanks so much everyone...good thoughts here. I love you all ! Hugs
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you're getting very smart and practical here. EVERY woman, single or married (to an alcoholic or not) should be financially self-sufficient to the extent possible. Spouses/partners get sick and die even if they are never alcoholic, abusive, or unfaithful. Being prepared to handle life's bumps is like keeping your car maintained (says the woman who once committed auto-cidd by never checking her oil and seizing the engine on a car that would have been good for another 75,000 miles). It's worth it--you never know when you might need it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile.....I don't think it is "wierd" that you can feel other's emotions....I DO think that is a very, very beneficial asset for you!
It allows you to "read" other people---how valuable in communicating with other beings........
I am somewhat the same way.
dandylion
It allows you to "read" other people---how valuable in communicating with other beings........
I am somewhat the same way.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
To me, his commitment to stay sober, which is the obvious issue (and one that the other problems can but probably shouldn't be blamed on) while neglecting the other commitments to keep other issues in check (getting off his meds without medical advice) shows that he doesn't have a real commitment to really change his life for the better. The getting off his meds thing actually seems like a calculated effort to be able to blame his actions on something else, other than him.
Keep working on the independence, and it may be beneficial to see what programs are out there to help you get on your own two feet (women's services, etc.,) because you don't deserve to be forced to travel this road with him. He's not shown a trustworthy commitment to better himself, and is still early on in his recovery.
In the meantime, try to minimize contact with him, at all times. Keep yourself busy, and keep your kids busy. You need your self sufficiency for you and your kids regardless of what he chooses, so make that your #1 focus.
Keep working on the independence, and it may be beneficial to see what programs are out there to help you get on your own two feet (women's services, etc.,) because you don't deserve to be forced to travel this road with him. He's not shown a trustworthy commitment to better himself, and is still early on in his recovery.
In the meantime, try to minimize contact with him, at all times. Keep yourself busy, and keep your kids busy. You need your self sufficiency for you and your kids regardless of what he chooses, so make that your #1 focus.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile.....I am sorry to hear that he has gone off his meds. I agree with you that there are probably other issues than just addiction to alcohol going on.
His decision to go off----I suspect without medical advice to do so--smacks of him wanting his own way---dictating recovery according to his own terms (please see the sticky titled "10 ways to know when you alcoholic is full of crap). You will find it under "classic readings".
I really do see this move, on his part, with great misgivings.
dandylion
His decision to go off----I suspect without medical advice to do so--smacks of him wanting his own way---dictating recovery according to his own terms (please see the sticky titled "10 ways to know when you alcoholic is full of crap). You will find it under "classic readings".
I really do see this move, on his part, with great misgivings.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Ontario
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Wrong.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Congrats on your 300 days.
it has been a Hell of a Journey, not to mention Expensive...
Originally Posted by LexieCat
The partner (especially one who has been abused ) has ZERO obligation toward the alcoholic, other than not to cause unnecessary suffering.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Your airplane analogy is flawed, too. .
Originally Posted by LexieCat
There is no "last parachute" on the plane that's going down.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
The alcoholic/addict has his/her OWN parachute. It's his/her Higher Power if you are in AA, or the power of the universe or one's own determination to live sober no matter what if you don't believe in AA.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
One person can never keep another person sober.
And hopefully it isn't interpreted as an invitation to give up on someone because they can't do anything about there addiction anyways.
I know one person can't keep me sober, but the support of my family was the driving factor in my sobriety, and there continuing support makes me feel like I can conquer the world. I have it far better than some Woman or Men who's families have bailed, that's not to say there is never a reason to bail eg: (ABUSE). If my family left me I would be struggling much harder at staying sober.
The spirit of my original comment was more just sharing how I was feeling reading the thread. And not to somehow say that it was anybody's responsibility, Hopefully I Articulated what I wanted to say here my intention was not to point fingers or blame anyone, it was just an expression.
My apologies if I have offended anyone, if I have hurt anyone's feelings, or opened up old wounds. Like I said I am new here, however I have had quit an education on the subject recently and I was only trying to possibly offer a fresh perspective.
Thanks Everyone
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
FTS I've just caught up with the thread and I want to say I'm sorry this happened. I'm not surprised that he's been off his meds for a month because I remember you saying that it made a big difference. I really hope he goes back onto them now he's had his experiment.
Your sentiments about working for independence are spot on. I'm glad you got your operation out of the way before he relapsed.
Your sentiments about working for independence are spot on. I'm glad you got your operation out of the way before he relapsed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
I had therapy today.....my therapist (who is also Steves therapist) said she can't tell if he is more addicted to the alcohol or the anger. We were talking about whether or not I can continue to grow and practice my self love stuff with him in my life. I just broke down. Pretty sure we all know the answer to that, which I'm sure it's why she asked me that. She has never encouraged or discouraged me to leave, which is frustrating for me. I know she's doing her job by forcing me to make that judgment call on my own, but sometimes I just want her to say "niki- you are barking up the wrong tree, move on!" I mean, she basically did, in a rhetorical way..i guess.
He has been a little weird lately. Spacey and distant. Makes me nervous.
I have a job interview next Monday. *fingers crossed *
I'm confused. I'm angry and I'm pissed at myself.
He has been a little weird lately. Spacey and distant. Makes me nervous.
I have a job interview next Monday. *fingers crossed *
I'm confused. I'm angry and I'm pissed at myself.
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