Dodge31

Ok so this is probably going to be a long one. I have a friend she's a lot older than me, she's also a medium. She's been a good friend at times and I cant grumble. But since I got involved with my xab a few years back she started to be a bit mean to me or so it feels. Whenever the subject gets brought up she gets a bit waspy with me(its not me that brings him up). See a long long long while back she married an abusive man who drank and beat her but right up until the day he died she kept him in her life. Well my xab happens to be the same nationality as her husband was. So this has caused a few harsh words from her side about being involved with a man of that nationality right from the start. As she classes them all the same...which i dont think is fair. My xab has never come anywhere near close to doing to me what her husband did to her i dont think he has that in him tbh. When i mention this i get the answer....well im husband always worked hard and it was right to marry him for ours sons sake???. I also get told im weak a lot because i wont argue with him and tend to treat him with respect and compassion but at a distance and with boundries. She seems to think i should be giving him what for and a peice of my mind. I dont see this as a weakness more of
a strenght. She gets so angry with me when this subject is brought up and tells me how her guides have told her what a terrible destructive man he is and how he wants to get my children out the way and totally destroy my life out of malice at one point i was even advised to have an abortion! Anyway I was wondering what peoples thoughts were on this? Because i cant help feeling shes taking a grudge and past issuses out on me and using her meduimship to get me to do what she wants...

Dodge31

Its all very very bitter and aimed at me...

FireSprite

It does sound an awful lot like she's letting her personal opinions & life experience taint her advice to you. Like she's taking your life personally somehow & urging you to handle things differently than she did herself.

I have a friend who is a very gifted medium & even when the "message" IS this raw & painful she delivers it with much more compassion.... and she always looks for the silver lining or positive parts of the situation to help encourage someone in how they can grow from it rather than focusing on the bad. If it were me, I'd feel like this friend was using her talents to fearmonger me. Not cool, not what I rely on a friend for in my life.

Dodge31

I totally believe in mediums. But some of the advice I've had and maybe followed has been bad and made situations far far worse. We all know aruging with an alcholic is pointless...lol. Also she tells me how i feel and she has it all wrong infact she has the whole situation wrong....

Dodge31

She says she cant tell me anything postive about my future as i dont have one with it being such a drap and dull outlook for me...

FireSprite

That's ridiculous Dodge, even the most desperate situations have glimmers of hope & positivity in them. She's too close to the situation - you aren't getting her "readings", you're getting her "opinions". Very different!

Dodge31

It all seems very nasty don't you think? I mean I've tried to mention that since meeting xab that I've found more out about myself and my own problems. Problems that i didnt even realise i had!

Dodge31

I even got the silent treament on the phone when when my child first met her grandparents...

PHIZ007

Sorry to hear this Dodge.

I use to have a very good friend for several years who used to love giving me her 'expert advice and opinions' on how I should run my life.

She was in a very unhappy marriage and loved trying to sort everyone else out to take the focus of her own difficult life.

Needless to say I had to end the friendship after 8 years as she just made me feel judged and miserable....true friends do not make you feel that way.

True friends enhance your life and are there through the ups and downs.

I hope things get better for you, time for some distance from this 'friend' for a while.

Take care Phiz

Dodge31

Thanks Phiz. I do like yourself feel judged and feel like i couldnt go to her with a problem as she always has an opinion or more than often tries scare tatics. So i have distanced myself. Because it does get under my skin. She also has another friend who has a husband of the same nationalty. That doesnt seem to sit well with her either...

PHIZ007

I wish you well.

The distance doesn't have to be forever if she has other qualities that do enhance the friendship.

You can see how you feel down the track and nothing final has to be decided today.

Take care of you first and foremost and the rest will follow.

All the best Phiz

Dodge31

I kinda stick to phone calls now a couple of times a week and avoid the topic of xab and let the rest go way over my head....xx

AnvilheadII

i think it would be perfectly ok to further limit contact. she sounds kinda toxic, medium or not.

Dodge31

I think so too. I ment to reply a few days ago but sadly lost my dog in a tragic way. But guess what the xab got the blame for my grief for that to. I was told that it wasnt really the grief of my dog that was making me so upset. It was the situation of our relationship that was making me feel so lost the dog just brought it to the surface. I was told that he would have relished in the fact that my dog had died.....

FireSprite

I'm so sorry Dodge, it's difficult & heartbreaking to lose a loved pet like that. ((((hugs))))

I'd be irritated with my friend's lack of compassion & rude words. I'd likely point out to her that untreated codependency can be uglier than addiction & that with all her bitterness she's the one acting like a fool. This is the type of person I eventually had to break ties with as I got healthier in my own recovery because they will drag you down if you let them, instead of encouraging your growth.

You don't have to accept her awful behavior any more than you did xab's, she definitely sounds toxic & not interested in getting healthy!

Dodge31

Thanks firesprite. He really was a big part of my life. He did a lot of racing which is a passion of mine so im probably a bit lost without him kicking about the house. Tbh I have noticed the backhanded remarks more and something hasnt sat right with since i started to get healthy. It seems to be abusive slightly....

gleefan

Dodge - Years of difficult relationships left me leery of my own instincts. As I spent time in recovery it became clear that certain friendships were toxic. I learned to trust myself when my boundaries were screaming at me, as yours seem to be with this woman.

Dodge31

I think its terribly rude and disrespectful to tell somebody how they feel. I know how I feel i'm not confused at all. It's like shes trying to convince me otherwise. When she knows shes overstepped the mark i get....you know I have to say these things because I care..