Needabreak

I agree -- from what the OP has stated, there is not even any recognition of a problem on her part. But that is her row to hoe.

This is the Friends and Family board, so my focus is on the partner. While some may commend your absolute focus on protecting her, my experience is that rehab is not a panacea, it is not a cure-all that will have her all right in no time. Not even if you upgrade the rehab so that there aren't any more heroin addicts, prostitutes, or tatoos. Your fiance may learn some skills to combat her addiction if she pays attention, but then again, she may not.

She has a lot of work ahead of her. And like it or not, so do you. Clearly, she isn't who you thought she was. The implications of this are just beginning to be felt.

greeteachday

I've trashed a few posts and posts quoting those trashed posts since they violate Rule 4. if you don't like somebody, put them on ignore. Let's cool the "my program is better than your program" stuff and trying to control each other.


IHA, IF you are here to gain some insight and ideas, you may want to consider reading other posts and other forums.

Latte

Take what she has actually told you and think of something 5x worse and that is how bad it really is.

I'm not even going to qualify myself because you aren't seeing that anyway.

She's going to do this again, she hasn't suffered enough.

ihatealcohol80

Thank you everyone. I think I will let her complete this rehab. If she fails I I'll pay for the best. Some of the info that I've received conflicts with what an expert told me. My fiance is not a evil person and I plan on going th crew with the wedding.

amy55

ummmmm, OK. I really do wish you good luck.

((((((hugs))))))
amy

suki44883

IHA, you certainly have the right to follow whatever path you desire. It isn't going to affect our lives in any way. We are just giving you our own experiences and things we have learned along the way. Some of us who post on this forum are also alcoholics. There isn't much a much more "expert" in alcoholism than someone who has been there.

You are free to decide how you choose to handle this situation. I hope it all works out well for both of you.

P.S. The "best" rehab isn't necessarily the one that costs the most or is by the ocean, or has horseback riding and massages. The best rehab is the one that works, regardless of the amenities.

maybear

I don't think anyone would say she is evil.

I am sure the expert is right in that there is a place for family in the treatment of addiction and that support does help. Just remember to look after yourself too.

I'm sure the specialist has said this, but relapse is always a possibility and quite likely. So if you get married, you must be prepared for that. She will always be an alcoholic.

ihatealcohol80

I really regret disclosing all legal details of her case. The truth is I don't care about the past or what could of happened. I live in the NOW. I have spent hours reading here. It seems many of your loved one's fail at rehab so you project. If I want to sent her to Malibu Shores on my money isn't that my right? Is it wrong that I don't want my loved one with STREET people?

maybear

I can't speak for anyone else, but when I said relapse is likely I was referring to statistics not personal experience.

Anyway, I hope that she gets better.

Morning Glory

Sometimes the right thing to do is forget about myself and forget about my addicted loved one and protect the innocent from harm.

This thread brought back sad memories for me. I cared for a 22 year old who was hit by a school bus driver who was on drugs. He lost his leg and was paralyzed from the waist down. He lived a few years and died.

I never help my son get out of trouble. I would feel responsible if I helped him slide on consequences and then he hurt someone. He has had a serious felony for theft and 2 DUIs. I've had to call Child Protective Services a few times. I'm all for helping when he is willing to help himself with his alcoholism, but committing a crime is all on him. The fines and consequences are all his. He gets a public defender. Driving drunk is very serious. Driving a school bus under the influence is a serious crime. My friend paid the consequences with his life. It's not evil it's just a fact and a very serious, dangerous crime.

I never stopped loving my son when he committed crimes. I know how horrible addiction is. That doesn't mean there aren't consequences.

happybeingme

I hope whatever happens you both heal from this. Unfortunately you may insist what she did was a mistake but in the eyes of the law she committed a crime. Take this time to research other rehabs, check out the Secular connections for friends and family forum here, maybe even post in the alcoholism one as well. Talk to other alcoholics. A lot of us alcoholics came from broken and abusive, neglectful homes. We get it.

In the end I hope she can admit she has a problem and needs help. That was the single biggest thing for my own recovery

Good luck

theseithakas

I'd gently ask you to be circumspect in how you talk about certain things. I'm a criminal defense attorney, and many many many of my clients have been involved in the salvation army program, some with great success. I take umbrage at the judgment inherent in the above statement and some of the other posts that you've made.

redatlanta

I think you should go ahead and move her to another rehab. One that doesn't have "street people" in it and not one that requires the patient to do chores. There is a point where a certain threads derail and there is no longer useful information. The vast majority of folks here are on the same wavelength. Its absolutely your option to disagree. You don't agree she should be around these people, she doesn't want to be around them, and she doesn't like it there. I don't think this is going to get you results. I also don't think any other rehab will either, but I cannot predict the future I can only predict based on statistics and her own behaviors that it will not.

So....move her to where you think she should be. It would be wonderful to hear she embraced a different place and moves forward in her recovery. BTW there are people on this forum whose loved ones have been/are heroin addicts and possibly have prostituted due to their addiction. There are folks here whose loved ones have become those "street" people you refer to. Please keep in mind no one comes into this world with a needle hanging out of their arm turning tricks to pay for their DOC. its choices they make driven by addiction that lead them there. Situations like for instance, driving a busload of kids while intoxicated and having an accident that leads to a suspension of driver's license and loss of job. Later eviction from lack of income. Inability to get another job for lack of driving privilege and legal record, homeless, on the streets and still an addict. What to do?

I'll admit before I fully understood addiction I was judgmental of these folks as well. Now I know that the line between being functioning and losing it all is a very thin one. The only difference between your fiance and these people is money. That's it. Ability to have legal counsel and ability to go to rehab or any other treatment program. Will not have to worry about losing a home or what to do if she loses her job (not to say it won't bother her).

I hope this thread will move you to have a little more compassion for the family members here whose loved ones are personified by you as "street people" there are a lot of them here. We are here to support one another not to make anyone feel bad because of the level their loved one may have reached in their addiction.

God bless and prayers for your fiance that she move forward in healing.

iGirl66

Mistake? You make her sound like a naughty 5 year old. You may see yourself as a stand up guy showing your loyalty, but you are not doing her any favors. She is a grown woman who drives children drunk, can't do simple chores and wants others to pay for Disney rehab. No she is an addict. I know many heroine addicts who at least KNOW that they are sick. This self absorbed, spoiled, entitled broad needs a bucket of ice water on her head to wake her up. You can put her in a cave or in a castle and if she doesn't see the need to change all you've done is throw money down the toilet. She is dangerous to herself and others and I hope that the media, MADD, the parents and community at large gather to see that the lawyers and courts send a clear message that this will not be tolerated. Every freakin week here on Long Island someone has crashed, killed or been pulled over on their 4th, 5th, 6th offense! Good lord what does it take?!

NYS and his enabling family has cushioned the blow AGAIN for my ex and I can tell you that he has NOT learned anything and WILL relapse perhaps killing himself or someone else next go round! Between lawyers, fees, bail, new cars, money for living etc. my ex's parents have shelled out tens of thousands of dollars on his "mistakes". At least 100k+ between him and his sick brother.

SHE IS NOT A CHILD AND COULDNT CARE LESS ABOUT ENDANGERING REAL CHILDREN! IF YOU LOVE HER, LET HER LIVE THE FULL CONSEQUENCES OF HER CHOICES!!!

LexieCat

What always baffles me are folks who come onto the forums for insight or suggestions, and then reject--out of hand---any of those that are uncomfortable or unpleasant to accept or even consider.

I hope you will keep what we've said in mind in the event things don't turn out as you hope they will. If that happens I hope you will come back with a more open mind. None of us has a crystal ball, so we can't say with certainty that she won't get sober with the approach you are taking. Our collective experience tells us that the probability of that is very, very remote. OTOH, taking what we think is the "right" approach doesn't mean she will get sober and stay that way, either. It's just more likely, in our experience, to limit the harm to you and to enhance her ability to recognize the harm she is doing to herself and others (including you).

Best of luck to you both.

Kimmieh

About how to help as family, I tried to help my ex for seven years to no avail. Then I broke it off. He went to detox, is doing out-patient rehab, has been holding a job, reconnected with his family, and is overall doing great. He reclaimed his life and has been staying sober because he had to. My enabling did nothing for him.

He also embraced the resources he could get. No judgment or sense of entitlement. He is a very attractive, brilliant man and he went into recovery as part of a community that has a common goal, regardless of background, class, or history. I think recovery requires humility (my own recovery from co-dependence certainly did, too).

iGirl66

What RedAtlanta said!

And just to throw my own bit of snark in the pot. She was driving a school bus. On what grounds is she getting uppity? Your money? I am done in ya'll.

Refiner

We're being judgmental? Really? I'd befriend an ex-prostitute wanting to get clean in rehab over a drunk driving a bus load of innocent children-who feels she is above everyone else and shows no remorse- any day. The ex-prostitute was only hurting herself to support her disease.

sg1970

As an alcoholic I would suggest this. Obviously you are pretty dug in emotionally. Let her complete the current rehab and then fly her straight to the one you want to pay for. Keep her there as long as you possibly can. It takes a long time for the head to clear. Perhaps if she has enough dry time she will begin to think clearly enough that something will take. It will also give you a break as well to maybe clear up your thinking with less emotions involved. The high end rehabs limit outside contact which would probably be really good for you.

When she gets out one of three things will happen:
a) Something, be it contact with people who are already where she is headed or a bit of clarity where she develops some remorse, will take and she will embrace recovery and both of you will live happy ever after.
b) She will get out and go buck wild to make up for lost time.
c) She will take the "a" route above but at some point will relapse be it one year or 30 years from now. Since you live in the NOW the unknown shouldn't be a big deal and cause you any worry.

My best guess is option "a" is the least likely to happen. However, at least you will know that you did all you could possibly do at this time. We alkies have to really want to clean up and even then it is hard as hades to do it. Even in the best circumstances it's an almost impossible task. Best wishes. It will not be an easy road.

Latte

No one said she is evil. Alcoholics and addicts need to be held accountable for their actions or they never get better, period. No court, no judge, no jury can make her want to stay sober. She has to want this with every fiber of her being.