Blood is sicker than water
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Blood is sicker than water
My ex used to tell me all the time that blood is thicker than water-I guess meaning his FOO was more important than our marriage vows and that his FOO would support him...throughout our separation and divorce and after this has been proven by his actions and his FOO actions time and time again (support=enabling). A mutual Facebook friend sent over a post he saw that my ex was tagged in a couple of weeks ago....his aunt tagged him and two other very heavy drinking uncles in a post about how excessive drinking is healthy and make you smarter. Yep! I chuckled and thought, "Your nephew, my ex, hasn't seen his kids in 3 months due to drinking - so since we are so "supportive" and such a good family we will support excessive drinking and post things on Facebook like we are in high school". Wow-what a family!!!! Not shocked at all, honestly, it's a toxic alcoholic mess of a family that he has chosen. I was talking with my pastor who reaffirmed yet again that this proves the only way my ex will ever get better is to separate himself from his sick family. Blood is thicker than water but in his case, and I'm sure many of yours, blood is sicker than water.
The more that God reveals, the more I know I made the best possible decision for myself and our kids-away from him and his family.
Enough about him....just had to share the level of denial and dysfunction.
The more that God reveals, the more I know I made the best possible decision for myself and our kids-away from him and his family.
Enough about him....just had to share the level of denial and dysfunction.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
I know what you mean. I got cut from my ex because I was part of his past that he had to separate from. Yet, he is in the arms of his uber enabling family who went to 2 family nights the whole time he was in and once was on thanksgiving. He's still coddled, still manipulating and well on his way to relapse city. Sicker indeed!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I've cut-off several members of my FOO because of efforts to separate me from my wife. According to them, I am being disloyal to "THE FAMILY" (like it's the mafia or something).
In discussion with my counselor, I mentioned wondering the "what if" - what if I had not sought out counseling, gone to Al-Anon, eventually AA as well and found recovery? What if I had done none of it? Where would I be now?
He stated that it would have been very likely that I would have divorced my wife, or pushed her out through other means. I would be with my "family", but without a partner. and low on the totem pole of their hierarchy.
When I think of what family means to me, I don't see pictures of some of my brothers. I see support. I see love. I see respect, kindness - genuine concern for well-being. The pictures I see with a few brothers - contempt, resentment, judgment, cruelty, and only concern for themselves. So, unfortunately, when someone says "Family" I might get irritated, because I will hear "oppression, loyalty, and obedience" tied with it - that is with my family-of-origin. "oh, your brother will be there for you when they're really needed" -- Umm...how about NOW?
Anyways. My point is that I totally understand. Priorities can be defined differently for people. For me, my wife and children (daughter due in October) are MY FAMILY and take priority. I'm sorry, but my brothers will be taking a back-seat. I actually live with my wife, not them. Their priorities are different where their siblings are front and center ahead of the wives. Or...they are pulled into the enmeshed whole that is "THE FAMILY" where the identity of each wife needs to disappear and they should look the same, act the same as everyone else. Really creepy if you ask me. If there is any uniqueness about the person, or they "don't fit in", then their spouse receives pressure to get rid of them. Keep in mind, most of this is completely covert. It took a direct question from me to get my brother to admit he wanted me to split from my wife. Originally he just said stuff like "I have an issue with your wife but not you" - or, another sibling tried to push that he would spend time with me, but not her. All of these are covert efforts to push my spouse out of the picture completely.
My heart goes out to you. I wish you well.
In discussion with my counselor, I mentioned wondering the "what if" - what if I had not sought out counseling, gone to Al-Anon, eventually AA as well and found recovery? What if I had done none of it? Where would I be now?
He stated that it would have been very likely that I would have divorced my wife, or pushed her out through other means. I would be with my "family", but without a partner. and low on the totem pole of their hierarchy.
When I think of what family means to me, I don't see pictures of some of my brothers. I see support. I see love. I see respect, kindness - genuine concern for well-being. The pictures I see with a few brothers - contempt, resentment, judgment, cruelty, and only concern for themselves. So, unfortunately, when someone says "Family" I might get irritated, because I will hear "oppression, loyalty, and obedience" tied with it - that is with my family-of-origin. "oh, your brother will be there for you when they're really needed" -- Umm...how about NOW?
Anyways. My point is that I totally understand. Priorities can be defined differently for people. For me, my wife and children (daughter due in October) are MY FAMILY and take priority. I'm sorry, but my brothers will be taking a back-seat. I actually live with my wife, not them. Their priorities are different where their siblings are front and center ahead of the wives. Or...they are pulled into the enmeshed whole that is "THE FAMILY" where the identity of each wife needs to disappear and they should look the same, act the same as everyone else. Really creepy if you ask me. If there is any uniqueness about the person, or they "don't fit in", then their spouse receives pressure to get rid of them. Keep in mind, most of this is completely covert. It took a direct question from me to get my brother to admit he wanted me to split from my wife. Originally he just said stuff like "I have an issue with your wife but not you" - or, another sibling tried to push that he would spend time with me, but not her. All of these are covert efforts to push my spouse out of the picture completely.
My heart goes out to you. I wish you well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Thank you for sharing this...^^^...I've been on the receiving end of this for years. Enmeshed and creepy is an understatement for my exs immediate family. I won't go into details about how my exs sister harassed and lied to everyone about me and her brother, how his mom told me I had ruined her family, etc....well, duh...I told the truth-cardinal sin in an alcoholic toxic family. My ex chose dysfunction and the two women that love him better than I did (as he so eloquently told me many drunk nights)...his mom and sister...over his wife and kids. Okay. I'll take sanity and truth and no alcoholism with our girls any day of the week....so I did. Glad to be gone.
Thotful-glad you made the right, hard, choice. Your family is your wife and kids-not your mafia FOO. Congrats on your sobriety-it's a wonderful thing.
Thotful-glad you made the right, hard, choice. Your family is your wife and kids-not your mafia FOO. Congrats on your sobriety-it's a wonderful thing.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's amazing isn't it...that their FOO will actually encourage them?
I am so glad you are away too. You are one great person, and one great mom! It took a lot of strength to get where you are today, never forget how far you have come!
XXX
I am so glad you are away too. You are one great person, and one great mom! It took a lot of strength to get where you are today, never forget how far you have come!
XXX
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