New here please help me, feeling desperate.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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I keep checking on him to see if he's still breathing... I'm so worried.
I'm struggling to reconcile the fact that he's an adult and has choices with the fact that this is a disease of the brain essentially... He really needs help. I know if I fuss him it's not helping but I can't bring myself to detach and sit by while he drinks himself to death. How could I live with myself?
I keep having moments of resilience and then I see him lying there, passed out and I completely crumble to pieces.
I can't make my love go away. I'm pathetic. It's a helpless situation and like he told me last night all I'm doing is playing the victim.
I'm struggling to reconcile the fact that he's an adult and has choices with the fact that this is a disease of the brain essentially... He really needs help. I know if I fuss him it's not helping but I can't bring myself to detach and sit by while he drinks himself to death. How could I live with myself?
I keep having moments of resilience and then I see him lying there, passed out and I completely crumble to pieces.
I can't make my love go away. I'm pathetic. It's a helpless situation and like he told me last night all I'm doing is playing the victim.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Here's the thing -- and I say this with the deepest understanding of where you're at, as I have been there myself -- nothing that you're doing is making any difference.
If he is going to drink himself to death, there is nothing that will stop him. Not you, not your love, not an act of Congress, nothing.
This is a treatable disease, requiring only the willingness of the sufferer to begin the path of recovery. I have a friend who will live with cancer for the rest of her life. She does not go to the store to buy more cancer.
No one thinks you should make your love go away, or that you are pathetic. You love someone who is addicted. You are right, though, that you are helpless when it comes to his problem. Please don't add to your burden by telling yourself a horrible story about who you are because you are involved with an addict.
If he is going to drink himself to death, there is nothing that will stop him. Not you, not your love, not an act of Congress, nothing.
This is a treatable disease, requiring only the willingness of the sufferer to begin the path of recovery. I have a friend who will live with cancer for the rest of her life. She does not go to the store to buy more cancer.
No one thinks you should make your love go away, or that you are pathetic. You love someone who is addicted. You are right, though, that you are helpless when it comes to his problem. Please don't add to your burden by telling yourself a horrible story about who you are because you are involved with an addict.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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You are not pathetic and you are much stronger than you even know. It may sound cruel to you (and it did sound to me at first), but drinking himself to death is his very own choice. And you say you love him, and I am sure you do, but how can he allow himself be like that in front of you if he really loves you and respects you? I asked my husband this, "How can you allow yourself be so drunk around me? Aren't you ashamed for me to see? Do you even care?" Guess what? My husband always has some kind of excuse, but I am in no way responsible for his addiction. So I am letting him go. And yes, I used to check too if my husband's chests were still moving.
A horrible feeling. No person should put you through that, especially the person who claims that he/she loves you.
A horrible feeling. No person should put you through that, especially the person who claims that he/she loves you.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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SK I'm sorry about your friend. When you put it like that it makes sense...
I guess I'm clutching at straws, seeking some sort of validation of what it is I'm doing.
He has woken up and I haven't engaged in conversation or taken any bait. I will go out soon and leave him to it.
I'm trying. Whilst I can see that drinking himself to death would be his choice and I can't help but bear some responsibility, and that I need to work on.
I know I can't cure him. I know. I keep telling myself this.
I guess I'm clutching at straws, seeking some sort of validation of what it is I'm doing.
He has woken up and I haven't engaged in conversation or taken any bait. I will go out soon and leave him to it.
I'm trying. Whilst I can see that drinking himself to death would be his choice and I can't help but bear some responsibility, and that I need to work on.
I know I can't cure him. I know. I keep telling myself this.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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MB....what else do you think you can do? He won't leave. He won't get help. He won't stop drinking. You don't have the power to make that happen. Look outside of this and see that you don't bear the responsibility at all. He is a grown adult. The sad fact is, you hear all the time that "they have to hit bottom." Some don't have a bottom at all. Even if they do, they have to find it themselves.
Hugs to you. Go to the meeting, they do truly understand.
Hugs to you. Go to the meeting, they do truly understand.
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I think he might be close to hitting his bottom.... Well from previous experience he will say he wants to stop soon. He can barely speak, let alone drink. He's only managed 1 beer in nearly 6 hours and is veering in and out of sleep... From past patterns this is when he realises he's had enough. He doesn't even have the power to be angry with me. His breathing is laboured. He's a complete mess.
I'm more scared now of what to do when he's decided he's had enough as I know that's when he is most vulnerable. I know I can't change anything or cure anything. But should I not at least be on hand to take him to a doctor if he needs one? Or to pick up prescriptions for a detox? Or should I leave this all to him? Does detachment mean leaving him when he wants help?
I'm so confused.
I have ordered the Codependent no more book. I am so grateful for the advice I've been given. I am trying to take it all on board.
I'm more scared now of what to do when he's decided he's had enough as I know that's when he is most vulnerable. I know I can't change anything or cure anything. But should I not at least be on hand to take him to a doctor if he needs one? Or to pick up prescriptions for a detox? Or should I leave this all to him? Does detachment mean leaving him when he wants help?
I'm so confused.
I have ordered the Codependent no more book. I am so grateful for the advice I've been given. I am trying to take it all on board.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I think you should suggest to him when he sobers up that he needs therapy from a therapist who specializes in families with addiction. I suggest you do the same, separately. I did so and it was key to my own sanity.
My opinion is that nothing changes if nothing changes. You lose your sanity while he gets to continue to be picked up from this by you over and over. Only you can decide how long you can participate on that crazy train. I did it for years, completely understand.
So I guess for myself it would be where is his mind in all of this? I would also be pushing him that if he does truly want to recover to get inpatient rehab and then live in sober living for quite some time after to get himself together.
Just my .02
One last thing, just because you love someone does not make it healthy to be with them. Sometimes you have to love them from afar so they have the chance to recover.
No matter what you decide, we here at SR are always here for you!
My opinion is that nothing changes if nothing changes. You lose your sanity while he gets to continue to be picked up from this by you over and over. Only you can decide how long you can participate on that crazy train. I did it for years, completely understand.
So I guess for myself it would be where is his mind in all of this? I would also be pushing him that if he does truly want to recover to get inpatient rehab and then live in sober living for quite some time after to get himself together.
Just my .02
One last thing, just because you love someone does not make it healthy to be with them. Sometimes you have to love them from afar so they have the chance to recover.
No matter what you decide, we here at SR are always here for you!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by MissBizzita 
I think he might be close to hitting his bottom.... Well from previous experience he will say he wants to stop soon. He can barely speak, let alone drink. He's only managed 1 beer in nearly 6 hours and is veering in and out of sleep... From past patterns this is when he realises he's had enough. He doesn't even have the power to be angry with me. His breathing is laboured. He's a complete mess.
I'm more scared now of what to do when he's decided he's had enough as I know that's when he is most vulnerable. I know I can't change anything or cure anything. But should I not at least be on hand to take him to a doctor if he needs one? Or to pick up prescriptions for a detox? Or should I leave this all to him? Does detachment mean leaving him when he wants help?
I'm so confused.
I have ordered the Codependent no more book. I am so grateful for the advice I've been given. I am trying to take it all on board.
I'm more scared now of what to do when he's decided he's had enough as I know that's when he is most vulnerable. I know I can't change anything or cure anything. But should I not at least be on hand to take him to a doctor if he needs one? Or to pick up prescriptions for a detox? Or should I leave this all to him? Does detachment mean leaving him when he wants help?
I'm so confused.
I have ordered the Codependent no more book. I am so grateful for the advice I've been given. I am trying to take it all on board.
It's hard to imagine how low someone's bottom can be.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Much like an alcoholic finds a way to get more alcohol when they are broke, when they can't drive to get it, when they don't have a car, when the interlock won't allow them to start a car, when they are in jail, when they have to work...
When they want help and want to get better, they will find a way to do it. They just will - nothing will stop them. You don't have any control over that either.
I promise you, the only thing you can do for him is to let him to it, and take care of yourself. You get healthy, and maybe he will follow suit. Maybe he won't. Either way, you will feel better.
When they want help and want to get better, they will find a way to do it. They just will - nothing will stop them. You don't have any control over that either.
I promise you, the only thing you can do for him is to let him to it, and take care of yourself. You get healthy, and maybe he will follow suit. Maybe he won't. Either way, you will feel better.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Thank you, hopeful. What you say makes complete sense.
As I've said many times, the thought of loving him from afar terrifies me. I'm addicted to him, the more I say these things the more I realise it. Even if he does sober up, it will then be living in fear of him relapsing again. The readings about fear at last night's meeting are ringing in my ears. The stories shares were like it was me talking. I'm fearful. Genuinely frightened. Of not being able to leave. Of being able to leave. Every option scares me which is why I feel so helpless.
SK - I didn't mean his bottom to stop for good. I meant his bottom to sober up from this binge. There is always a pattern - euphoria, "I'm in control", apologies, remorse, "I'm going to taper off", abusive, angry at me and everyone he comes into contact with, withdrawn, very drunk, incapable of speech, usually me calling an ambulance because I'm worried about alcohol poisoning, sleep for hours, wake up, "I need to stop", taper off, stop completely, be apologetic and incredibly sweet and caring, feed my low self esteem, pretend to live a normal life... Until the next time.
We're currently at the "should I call an ambulance, does he have alcohol poisoning, how many breaths a minute is he taking" stage.
As I've said many times, the thought of loving him from afar terrifies me. I'm addicted to him, the more I say these things the more I realise it. Even if he does sober up, it will then be living in fear of him relapsing again. The readings about fear at last night's meeting are ringing in my ears. The stories shares were like it was me talking. I'm fearful. Genuinely frightened. Of not being able to leave. Of being able to leave. Every option scares me which is why I feel so helpless.
SK - I didn't mean his bottom to stop for good. I meant his bottom to sober up from this binge. There is always a pattern - euphoria, "I'm in control", apologies, remorse, "I'm going to taper off", abusive, angry at me and everyone he comes into contact with, withdrawn, very drunk, incapable of speech, usually me calling an ambulance because I'm worried about alcohol poisoning, sleep for hours, wake up, "I need to stop", taper off, stop completely, be apologetic and incredibly sweet and caring, feed my low self esteem, pretend to live a normal life... Until the next time.
We're currently at the "should I call an ambulance, does he have alcohol poisoning, how many breaths a minute is he taking" stage.
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I'm not suggesting this will necessarily be effective, but it sometimes is. You could call your local AA office and talk to someone there. When he sobers up, you can ask him if he'd be willing to talk with someone from AA. If he is, they will send someone out on a "Twelfth Step" (outreach) call to talk to him about his drinking and about recovery.
As I said, this doesn't always work, but often another alcoholic can get through where we, as partners, can't. He has to be willing to talk with them, though. It doesn't hurt to ask.
As I said, this doesn't always work, but often another alcoholic can get through where we, as partners, can't. He has to be willing to talk with them, though. It doesn't hurt to ask.
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Not great but thank you for asking.
I feel in a better place in so much as I am realising more and more that I can't do anything but that realisation makes me very sad.
I've told him again he has to leave. I shouted and screamed, I'm so frustrated. I told myself I wouldn't crack and would remain calm but I couldn't. I'm so hurt and so angry.
My life as I knew it is done. I think it's hit me now that it's all over.
I feel in a better place in so much as I am realising more and more that I can't do anything but that realisation makes me very sad.
I've told him again he has to leave. I shouted and screamed, I'm so frustrated. I told myself I wouldn't crack and would remain calm but I couldn't. I'm so hurt and so angry.
My life as I knew it is done. I think it's hit me now that it's all over.
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MizzB...I know how painful it feels when that realization finally comes. I think what you said is important, that you are addicted to him. Just like an addiction of any type, you may love it, but it is not good for you.
That is a toxic cycle. And what it does to you mentally to wait for the next time over and over is so hard on a person physically and mentally. I hope you keep going to meetings and I really do think counseling would help.
Tight hugs to you. XXX
That is a toxic cycle. And what it does to you mentally to wait for the next time over and over is so hard on a person physically and mentally. I hope you keep going to meetings and I really do think counseling would help.
Tight hugs to you. XXX
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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His mum is coming up tomorrow, he was nasty to her so now it affects her she wants to be here. So I'm going to stay with a good friend for the weekend. I know I'm leaving my home but at least I'll be able to breathe for a bit.
This morning he asked me for the number for AA and where the nearest meeting is. I've given him all the info.
He needs to detox first and he will do that by tapering off, like always. I've said that I will drive him to the doctors but that he needs to make an appointment and it needs to be his decision and all I will be doing is taking him.
I'm doing my best to detach... I know I'm not doing it fully but for me this is progress.
This morning he asked me for the number for AA and where the nearest meeting is. I've given him all the info.
He needs to detox first and he will do that by tapering off, like always. I've said that I will drive him to the doctors but that he needs to make an appointment and it needs to be his decision and all I will be doing is taking him.
I'm doing my best to detach... I know I'm not doing it fully but for me this is progress.
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Originally Posted by MissBizzita
I'm doing my best to detach... I know I'm not doing it fully but for me this is progress.
I really want to emphasise, don't let him back to live with you. It will enable him, and cause you terrible anxiety. You can still see him, but not be watching his every move. He is using the comfort of your home to prolong his binges.
There are going to be lots of sweet words, lots of promises and professions of love. Maybe even a show of getting help. If you feel like believing it and letting him back to live with you, remember him telling you you love being a victim.
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