MissBizzita

Hi everyone,

I just stumbled upon this site and I really need some help.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We live together and are currently in the process of buying a house together.

He is bipolar and in the early stages of our relationship went on some serious binges (no food for a week, drinking vodka all day) that resulted in him being hospitalised/ me calling an ambulance.

The last instance of this happening was over a year ago and since then he's been ok. We've been on holidays, we have got 3 cats, we've been living a "normal" life. Except I've been kidding myself that it's normal. He is an alcoholic. Because things have been so good for the last year I've tricked myself into believing he's "cured". That he can now take or leave alcohol, that he can drink socially with no repercussions. He's told me it's under control, that I've saved him, that he won't go back to the dark places of before.

Well, he's back there now. Things have been going so well, he's been offered a new job, the new house on the horizon etc... He is sabotaging it. He came back from work yesterday in a terrible state, carried on drinking all night, went from being loving to verbally abusive to loving to apologetic to abusive again (NEVER physically). Eventually I got him to bed and he slept through the night. I didn't sleep at all so much so that I couldn't make it to work today. He got up and went to work like nothing had happened although clearly still under the effects of the beer. I've just spoken to him and he is back in the pub, very very drunk. I know he'll lose this job, I've resigned myself to that now.

I just can't cope. I'm a mess. I love him so, so much. Who he is right now is not him. He's the most lovely caring man and he's breaking my heart. I can't bear to sit here and watch him do this to himself again. I can't bear to wait til he hits rock bottom before he decides to stop... I just can't take it. I am broken. He is the man I adore and I can't bring myself to think of life without him. I love him unconditionally.

I know I can't stop him... I know it's not my fault... I just don't know what to do. I feel physically sick, I can't stop crying...

Please.. Someone help me... Please.

Butterfly

Hi missbizzita welcome to SR it's a little oasis of sanity and love. I'm sorry for your situation that has brought you here. I like you lived in that state of believing ex A was cured, he could drink socially, take it or leave it and we had many times throughout our 18 yrs together were drink wasn't an issue, or so I thought. Drink was always an issue and because he never sought help, proper addiction support, AA or rehab it always has been and will always be an issue.

Alcoholism is progressive and it only gets worse unless he decides he is serious about recovery, I am sorry but there is nothing you can do, many here will tell you they have tried everything, cried, threatened, left, manipulated, shouted, hid drink, threw it down the sink, you name it most of us have tried it and all it did was drive us crazy and we became co dependent. All you can do is look after yourself. I know you love him, I love mine always will but you can't love him sober, I wish we could. It will only get worse, I am sorry I know this is not what you want to hear, I know when I first came here I wanted to know how I could fix him, I couldnt, you can't, all you can do is look after you.

I don't know how his bipolar affects his addiction so can't offer you any insight into that side

What are you doing for yourself, do you have a counsellor? Alanon is also a wonderful source of support for you and will help you focus on you and help you feel strong enough to make decisions that are best for you.

I'm sure others with a lot more experience than me will be along soon to offer more advise. Keep posting and read all you can about addiction.

Tight ((((((hugs))))))

MissBizzita

Thank you for your reply.

You're right, it's not what I want to hear but deep down I know it's true. I want him to get better so much... I just can't bear it. I can only describe it as this horrible pain inside of me that won't go away. Two weeks ago we were looking at houses and were so happy. I was so proud of how far he'd come.

He won't get help. He thinks he can control it. I know he can't and I'm sure he does too but he still won't do anything. The bipolar I'm sure makes it worse... It's a vicious cycle, he's depressed so he drinks.. Drink makes him depressed so he drinks more.

He is such a lovely man. I just want to help him. I feel so stupid and helpless. I threw vodka down the sink last night... I checked his pockets and bag for alcohol. In the whole time we've been together I've never done this. I've begged him to come home and get help but he won't.

I have been looking in to alanon. There's a meeting nearby tonight.. I don't know if I can bring myself to go. It's like admitting that it's all over and that my life for the past year has been a lie.

I only speak to his mum about it. But she's not much help. She's jaded after years of dealing with it... She keeps telling me to hang in there because I've saved him and since he's been with me he's been like a different person. Which makes me feel happy until I realise it's just my insecurities being flattered.

Oh god, it's such a mess.

tigerlily1

Hi missbizzita, welcome to SR. I am still just learning but wanted to encourage you to go to the alanon meeting tonight if you are able. There will be more experienced people sharing with you soon. So sorry you are going through this!! You have come to a really good place. Hugs!!

SparkleKitty

Hi Miss, I'm so glad you found us but so sorry you are in a position to need us.

You might feel overwhelmed right now with a lot of information and discoveries and new understandings. Please understand that while it's a lot, none of it dictates you have to DO anything right this second. This is a mess, yes, as you've said, and things probably feel unmanageable. Know that you are right where you should be, and one way or another, you will work through this.

I highly recommend making it to that Al-Anon meeting. Now that your eyes are open, I'm afraid there won't be any shutting them again, so you might as well be in the company and with the support of people who understand.

If his mum has been dealing with this for years, I'm sure she is happy to have you around to save not him, but HER from feeling responsible for the messes he makes. People don't save each other, though. People have to save themselves. Your boyfriend has a very serious problem, but until HE decides he needs help, there won't really be anything YOU can do about it. You can, however, take care of and protect yourself from the consequences of his disease.

The lovely man you know and the self-sabotager is the same person. It's tempting to separate them in your mind but it's important to recognize that he is an adult that is responsible for dealing with his own issues, not a child who can't help himself.

For right now, education about alcoholism and support for yourself should be your two main priorities. If you can slow down on the house-buying, that might take some pressure of you.

Really glad you're here. Read as much as you can. Keep posting.

knowthetriggers

Hi MissBizzita - so sorry for your pain.

It would be best to educate yourself on this disease as it progresses over time.

IMO, what you posted today could be your future life with him unless HE decides he needs help.

Take care!

Sasha4

Going to al-anon is admitting nothing, you are going for support and advice. Thats it.
You are not signing up to anything, making any promises to anyone or any big bold declarations about your relationship.
You can just go and listen and speak if you want to.
If you don't want to speak thats fine too.

I would be really, really cautious about any joint financial things right now. Maybe even for the next year or so.

Dealing with this is enough as it is.
You don't want to add in a mortgage or rent or other ties.

Really, it seems he needs professional help.
You are his girlfriend, not his doctor.
That is said with kindness to you.
You can only help him so far.
He has to be willing to help himself.
Its also not right you pick up where his mum left off either.

Just take a deep breath, don't make any big choices yet, come here for support and go to al-anon too.

I wish you the best xx

Butterfly

Miss its normal to feel overwhelmed and feelings that you and your life is out of control and with an active A it kind of is but here's the good news you can take control back for yourself. I know it doesn't feel that way now but I promise you once you start reaching out for support it does get easier and you've made the first step by posting here, well done.

You are not stupid and you are not helpless over yourself, just his addiction. I avoided alanon for a year after ex A left, I wish I hadn't it has been a great support. No one in alanon or here will tell you what to do or force you to make any decisions about your relationship that you don't want to make or you aren't ready to make, they are your decisions and you will make them when you are good and ready, however I agree with the others about putting off buying a house with your boyfriend especially as he is still drinking and not seeking help.

I also agree with what others have said about his mum, she is probably relieved that she doesn't have to deal with it anymore, I know that's how ex A's mother felt she avoided anything to dos ith his drinking even bought him drink many times, but she didn't have to deal with the aftermath the only time she got angry or said anything to him was when it directly affected her!

You can't save him, you can only save yourself, I'm sure your boyfriend loves you very much and I doubt your relationship has been a lie but he isn't able to be the Boyfriend that you deserve, he can't his only focus at this time is drinking, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he just loves his addiction more and that is not because of anything you have ever done or not done it's the hold his addiction has over him.

There is a post, I think it's in the alcoholism section, excerpts from under the influence, this to me was a very powerful read about the mind of an alcoholic and what addiction does to a persons mind.

FeelingGreat

Hi MB, welcome to SR, and and sorry for the reason that brought you here. Even though you love this guy, take a deep breath and make sure you look after yourself too.
From a practical POV, don't mix your finances up with his by owning property together. You're not going to be able to rely on him at all.
It's probably not a coincidence that he's relapsed badly just when there is the prospect of greater commitment to his relationship, and a new job. We all feel stress at these times of our lives but for others it's enough to push them off the edge.
Be careful about enabling him if he refuses to seek treatment. You don't need to put up with verbal abuse, drunkenness or general bad behaviour in your home. Running after him, feeding him, getting him to bed will just postpone the time when he realises he needs help.

MissBizzita

Thank you so much everyone.

I know what you are saying is right, it's just so so hard to accept. Half of me wishes I'd ran when he first hit rock bottom. I remember reading these forums then and thinking "you don't want this to be your life". But I thought I could help him... I thought I could be the one to turn it around. I thought, like the classic codependent that he would stop if he loved me and knew I loved him. I feel so stupid.

Even now, half of me is saying "well what if he's not like the rest.. What if he gets better". I still have hope and I know I shouldn't.

I do believe it's the stress and thought of being a responsible adult that has tipped him over the edge this time. But whatever the reason I know he needs to seek help. And I guess I realise now, that help isn't me. As much as I wish it was.

His mum has offered to come and stay so that I can get to work without worrying. I know this will only make him angry at me. She is in her 70s and suffers with depression herself but I really don't think I can cope on my own.

I wish I had read your reply minutes earlier FeelingGreat. He has just come home. He didn't go back to work this afternoon, he went to the pub and just never went back. He's now passed out in bed. He didn't bring any alcohol back but I'm sure he will go and buy some when he wakes up. I did something stupid though. I lied for him. I sent his work an email from him explaining there had been an emergency and he wouldn't be coming back today. I know I am just putting off the inevitable. I know exactly what I'm doing but I don't know how to stop. My instinct is to protect him and look after him and try and help him. By doing this, as you say, I am just putting off him actually getting help.

Does it become easier to distance yourself? I can't see how I will ever be able to stop enabling. He is my life.

Thanks again everyone and sorry for rambling.

Butterfly

You are not stupid, you love him you want them best for him. I have been their if he loves me he will stop drinking, he doesn't want to lose me, he's sorry he's serious this time about getting help and so on the cycle continues. I'm sure many have been their thinking love will sort them out. Love has nothing to do with this his addiction is so strong, it is a terrible disease and destroys everything in its path.

There is nothing wrong with having hope, I still have hope for ex A but it has taken me a year since he left to have hope but not keep my life focused on that hope that he will seek sobriety. Hope can keep you trapped in the cycle of his addition and hoping that thistime he will seek help because he doesn't want to lose me, he loves me, I know it kept me hooked.

So you know you shouldn't have emailed his work for him, next time this happens maybe you won't. Your not only preventing him from seeking help but preventing him from experiencing the consequences of his addiction. Don't be hard on yourself, I've done this many times, picked up the pieces for him, protected and softened the consequences to make things easier for him. It's time though to look after you!!!!

Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum, some great information on addiction and detaching. I would also recommend reading co dependent no more.

Hawkeye13

I'm so very sorry you are living with this.
As a former alcoholic myself and also a family member with an alcoholic mother,
it sounds like he may not be finished drinking yet, and the bipolar is making it worse.

This is beyond your power to "fix" in any way, shape, or form.
My first practical suggestion is to stop the purchase of the house, even if you lose a deposit.
Disentangle your finances immediately because he may be getting worse before better--if he chooses to stop any time soon.

You protecting him by enabling is just prolonging his fall and in my opinion makes things even worse.
I would also get some counseling and face-to-face support as you work through your own feelings--you love him, and this makes you very vulnerable right now.
Take care of yourself, because he is not capable of taking care of you right now.

dandylion

MissBizz....it is true that he has been a part of your life for 2years...but he is not your life.
It is just that you have centered your l ife around him...so, it feels that way to you....

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Miss, just go to work. You and his mother combining to 'look after' him is doing nothing. He has chosen to get drunk, let him sleep it off on his own if you have other places you need to be.
It may feel like it, but he is not your life. You are your own person; ok you love him, but you have a life and identity of your own, and the opportunity to make your way in the world.

marie1960

Considering the current state of your situation, personally, I would not consider buying a house with this person. I would not want to emesh my finances and possible ruin of my credit with someone who is obviously spiraling out of control.

Sad to say, there isn't a damn thing you can do about his drinking, he is an adult, he can live his life however he chooses.

Please, consider protecting yourself here, and hold off on purchasing this home. This disease is progressive, and left untreated, it will only get worse. That is a fact.

I also second the recommendation of educating yourself about addiction. It's a life line to your happily ever after ..............

knowthetriggers

Hon - please understand that I mean no harm in my words but he is sucking the life out of you and before long you will feel empty, lost and alone.

I hope you can find the courage and strength to focus on your life and well being. You will find that the less you worry about him the better and less desperate you will feel - I promise!

Keep sharing and keep coming back!!!

MissBizzita

Thanks again - perhaps I should explain. The mortgage would be solely in my name... His credit rating isn't good enough for a joint mortgage. So when I say buying a house together, I meant choosing a home for us together.. The buying is down to me, which I think has also caused him stress/ embarrassment.

I really do appreciate your comments and I don't want it to sound like I'm not listening to them... I just can't ever see a way out of this at the minute. I feel trapped but at the same time I don't want to be anywhere else if that makes sense.

I know I'm trying to protect him. I just think that if I'm here or someone else is here... At least I'll know he's ok and hasn't drank himself to death or fallen or anything like that. The thought of not knowing if he's ok makes me want to scream and cry.

I know I have a life. I have friends. But my life before him was miserable. He has brought me happiness, comfort and love... Until now. I can't imagine being without him. I can't bear the thought of not coming home to him every day. Im just so upset and confused.

I am planning on going to Al anon later. The only thing putting me off and I am aware of how ridiculous this is, is leaving him. For the reasons detailed above. Plus he may go out and buy more alcohol. In my head, at least if I'm here I can know what he's doing.

Oh god... I know how pathetic this sounds. Ive been reading about this all afternoon.. I know exactly what I'm doing but I just can't stop.

marie1960

He is my life.

really?

In gentleness, sorry but YOU are your life.

The "he is my life" type thinking is what keeps you trapped, stuck, held hostage, no wonder you are feeling so low.

In your shoes, I would start a healthier type dialogue for myself. A dialogue that includes thoughts and words like, I am worthy of love, trust, honesty, respect, a partner who is drug free and can communicate and act like an ADULT.

So reading your most recent comment, I guess you are able to accept him as he currently is, so I am not sure what you are asking.......

MissBizzita

It's not so much accepting him as he is...it's more being absolutely terrified of the alternative, terrified of being alone again.

Sorry if I'm not making sense.

torquemax777

Sorry to hear of your sad circumstances. Please listen to the words of wisdom here. I totally agree with the "don't buy a house together" advice. Once you get into those big financial commitment you're basically "common law married." Very tricky and expensive to get out of! I just learned from the people here that had my AH injured or killed during his many drunk driving sprees, I could have been held legally and financially responsible for his accident while he would have 3 hots and a cot in prison (which he doesn't mind prison) the WHOLE responsibility for his consequences would have fallen on me; I could have been sued, lost my own license, been uninsurable, the list goes on. All because the vehicles and insurance were in my name! And that's just vehicles! A house could mean ruined credit for you, or you having to sell and pay him half the equity.... No, please don't do it.

And they're right about not cleaning up after him. I mean it! I got to the point that last summer I actually left my AH sleeping in the driveway for all the neighbors to see, and believe me they did. One even came over and let me know they notified the police. I just shrugged and said, "yep! He had too much to drink last night!" The guy looked at me like I was a heartless "B" but it they don't hit rock bottoms, and if we always "rescue" them, we are basically contributing to their ultimate and literal death!