New here please help me, feeling desperate.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You took a big step for yourself by going to the meeting. As the others said, you can change things over night And the letting go of your thought process that some how you can control his destinany of alcoholism will change when you learn more and come to accept that you cannot.
Keep posting, keep going to meetings and try and get control over your own thoughts.
Keep posting, keep going to meetings and try and get control over your own thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 25
How many meetings a week do people recommend going to?
I've barely slept, I'm exhausted and I haven't gone to work again. He's woken up and immediately started drinking - it's barely 9am.
I really just can't cope...
I've barely slept, I'm exhausted and I haven't gone to work again. He's woken up and immediately started drinking - it's barely 9am.
I really just can't cope...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
You know you need to firewall yourself from him financially.
His drinking is affecting your work your ability to pay your mortgage etc.
He will loose his work and he will run out of money.
Will you lend him money for beer or fix his car or rent when he's spent up.
He will have spent it on beer, so lending him any money is essentially for drink.
If you were to place a beer in the fridge and say "if you ever drink that I will go!"
It will maybe not be drunk today or tomorrow but it will go.
Addiction is not a love replacement or straight competition but there are many losers and no one wins!
Perhaps looking at your self esteem issue might be more help to him in the long run .
John.
His drinking is affecting your work your ability to pay your mortgage etc.
He will loose his work and he will run out of money.
Will you lend him money for beer or fix his car or rent when he's spent up.
He will have spent it on beer, so lending him any money is essentially for drink.
If you were to place a beer in the fridge and say "if you ever drink that I will go!"
It will maybe not be drunk today or tomorrow but it will go.
Addiction is not a love replacement or straight competition but there are many losers and no one wins!
Perhaps looking at your self esteem issue might be more help to him in the long run .
John.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 25
I know, I realise all of these things. Doing something about it, or rather not doing anything is the problem.
I've had his mum on the phone this morning. He's blamed all of this on me... And she's believed him. So now the only person who understands what this is like won't help me.
I've had his mum on the phone this morning. He's blamed all of this on me... And she's believed him. So now the only person who understands what this is like won't help me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry you didn't get any emotional support from his mum, but neither one of you can fix him. You have to take care of yourself.
Go to as many meetings as you can, in the beginning. You'll start feeling less isolated. It's a good idea to get a sponsor--someone with some serious time in recovery, who can help you work the Steps. For a lot of people that's when recovery really takes off.
Go to as many meetings as you can, in the beginning. You'll start feeling less isolated. It's a good idea to get a sponsor--someone with some serious time in recovery, who can help you work the Steps. For a lot of people that's when recovery really takes off.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Bizzita... babe we are in the same boat you I and so many here... we have our faults and one of them is loving a person that has these problems... wow a house a life possibilities and then crash.. how bad can it get.. stick here.. these great people have held me tight and cry here scream.. let it out for you are safe in this pack of howling animals that are trying to find a balance any type of balance....
kiddo from the bottom of my heart I pray for you and your young man.. my take on the Mum thing... probably not a good idea why they will either band together and drive you out ...or just fight like Mum and Son and drive you nuts...... my Mother in law.. will talk to me and just up set Ed so much... so I don't see them much... I live to come to work for this is my me time... my spa my place hidden from the world so to speak ..
prayers and tissue and cookies and my best tea.. and you just scream in here for it is safe.. love ardy milwaukee wi
kiddo from the bottom of my heart I pray for you and your young man.. my take on the Mum thing... probably not a good idea why they will either band together and drive you out ...or just fight like Mum and Son and drive you nuts...... my Mother in law.. will talk to me and just up set Ed so much... so I don't see them much... I live to come to work for this is my me time... my spa my place hidden from the world so to speak ..
prayers and tissue and cookies and my best tea.. and you just scream in here for it is safe.. love ardy milwaukee wi
Originally Posted by MissBizzita 
Thank you so much everyone.
I know what you are saying is right, it's just so so hard to accept. Half of me wishes I'd ran when he first hit rock bottom. I remember reading these forums then and thinking "you don't want this to be your life". But I thought I could help him... I thought I could be the one to turn it around. I thought, like the classic codependent that he would stop if he loved me and knew I loved him. I feel so stupid.
Even now, half of me is saying "well what if he's not like the rest.. What if he gets better". I still have hope and I know I shouldn't.
I do believe it's the stress and thought of being a responsible adult that has tipped him over the edge this time. But whatever the reason I know he needs to seek help. And I guess I realise now, that help isn't me. As much as I wish it was.
His mum has offered to come and stay so that I can get to work without worrying. I know this will only make him angry at me. She is in her 70s and suffers with depression herself but I really don't think I can cope on my own.
I wish I had read your reply minutes earlier FeelingGreat. He has just come home. He didn't go back to work this afternoon, he went to the pub and just never went back. He's now passed out in bed. He didn't bring any alcohol back but I'm sure he will go and buy some when he wakes up. I did something stupid though. I lied for him. I sent his work an email from him explaining there had been an emergency and he wouldn't be coming back today. I know I am just putting off the inevitable. I know exactly what I'm doing but I don't know how to stop. My instinct is to protect him and look after him and try and help him. By doing this, as you say, I am just putting off him actually getting help.
Does it become easier to distance yourself? I can't see how I will ever be able to stop enabling. He is my life.
Thanks again everyone and sorry for rambling.
I know what you are saying is right, it's just so so hard to accept. Half of me wishes I'd ran when he first hit rock bottom. I remember reading these forums then and thinking "you don't want this to be your life". But I thought I could help him... I thought I could be the one to turn it around. I thought, like the classic codependent that he would stop if he loved me and knew I loved him. I feel so stupid.
Even now, half of me is saying "well what if he's not like the rest.. What if he gets better". I still have hope and I know I shouldn't.
I do believe it's the stress and thought of being a responsible adult that has tipped him over the edge this time. But whatever the reason I know he needs to seek help. And I guess I realise now, that help isn't me. As much as I wish it was.
His mum has offered to come and stay so that I can get to work without worrying. I know this will only make him angry at me. She is in her 70s and suffers with depression herself but I really don't think I can cope on my own.
I wish I had read your reply minutes earlier FeelingGreat. He has just come home. He didn't go back to work this afternoon, he went to the pub and just never went back. He's now passed out in bed. He didn't bring any alcohol back but I'm sure he will go and buy some when he wakes up. I did something stupid though. I lied for him. I sent his work an email from him explaining there had been an emergency and he wouldn't be coming back today. I know I am just putting off the inevitable. I know exactly what I'm doing but I don't know how to stop. My instinct is to protect him and look after him and try and help him. By doing this, as you say, I am just putting off him actually getting help.
Does it become easier to distance yourself? I can't see how I will ever be able to stop enabling. He is my life.
Thanks again everyone and sorry for rambling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 25
Thank you so much...
I can't explain it any other way other than I feel like I can't breathe... I can't stand this pain that I'm feeling, I can't stand it. I'm just not strong enough to detach and move on.
I'm sorry.
I can't explain it any other way other than I feel like I can't breathe... I can't stand this pain that I'm feeling, I can't stand it. I'm just not strong enough to detach and move on.
I'm sorry.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I'm horrified he blamed his drinking on you, but it's not a big surprise either. What annoys me is that his mother buys into it.
Any chance of him moving out to his mothers, where obviously he will stop drinking immediately away from your influence (not)? I'm really concerned about you MB. Your life with him has become impossible and devastated as you are, you need to put some distance between you and him.
Where can you get support? Friends? Family? Do you have a counselling service at work? Try to find somebody you can talk to and cry to as well. Don't carry this on your own.
Nobody expects you to move on right now, but some temporary relief from him drinking in your house would give you a chance to sleep and catch your breath.
Any chance of him moving out to his mothers, where obviously he will stop drinking immediately away from your influence (not)? I'm really concerned about you MB. Your life with him has become impossible and devastated as you are, you need to put some distance between you and him.
Where can you get support? Friends? Family? Do you have a counselling service at work? Try to find somebody you can talk to and cry to as well. Don't carry this on your own.
Nobody expects you to move on right now, but some temporary relief from him drinking in your house would give you a chance to sleep and catch your breath.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 25
His mother lives 4 hours away... Which would mean him getting a train. I don't see it happening. All he's good for at the minute is drinking, sleeping and buying alcohol. He's in a very dark place.
I know it's not good for me being round him but it's my home... I don't want to have to leave my home. Plus as stupid as it sounds I have three cats who need looking after, 1 is just a tiny baby kitten. I can't leave them.. He won't feed them...
It's all such a damn mess. There is a nurse at work who offers counselling but I'm a teacher and I worry that they may say I'm not fit to work or that I'm guilty by association.
I've tried my friends but they have never seen him like this, they know the lovely caring side of him and they can't comprehend why I'm in such a state.
I just don't know what to do.. I want to cry and scream or hide away and hope that when I wake up everything is ok. The hurt I am feeling is unbearable. I want to hold him and tell him how much I love him and I want that to be enough but it isn't. I'm trying to control alcoholism and I know I never will.
I don't know how this can ever get better. I'm truly desperate.
I know it's not good for me being round him but it's my home... I don't want to have to leave my home. Plus as stupid as it sounds I have three cats who need looking after, 1 is just a tiny baby kitten. I can't leave them.. He won't feed them...
It's all such a damn mess. There is a nurse at work who offers counselling but I'm a teacher and I worry that they may say I'm not fit to work or that I'm guilty by association.
I've tried my friends but they have never seen him like this, they know the lovely caring side of him and they can't comprehend why I'm in such a state.
I just don't know what to do.. I want to cry and scream or hide away and hope that when I wake up everything is ok. The hurt I am feeling is unbearable. I want to hold him and tell him how much I love him and I want that to be enough but it isn't. I'm trying to control alcoholism and I know I never will.
I don't know how this can ever get better. I'm truly desperate.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
MissBizzita,
You are on the Titanic, it is sinking are you going to stand there and go down with it or are you going to get yourself into a lifeboat and paddle??? Believe it or not the choice is yours.
You say you feel like you can’t breath – well – his addiction lives in the same part of his brain that tells him to breath. He wakes up and the first thing his brain tells him to do is drink.
His brain also tells him to BLAME others, take no responsibility and continue drinking.
Much like his thoughts are telling him he can’t live without booze your thoughts are telling you, you can’t live without him. Both of you are down in the rabbit hole right now and it doesn’t appear he’s ready to climb out any time soon so that leaves you and choices to make for yourself.
Yes, go to as many meetings as you possibly can. Rather than sit and witness his self-destruction take yourself to a meeting.
You are on the Titanic, it is sinking are you going to stand there and go down with it or are you going to get yourself into a lifeboat and paddle??? Believe it or not the choice is yours.
You say you feel like you can’t breath – well – his addiction lives in the same part of his brain that tells him to breath. He wakes up and the first thing his brain tells him to do is drink.
His brain also tells him to BLAME others, take no responsibility and continue drinking.
Much like his thoughts are telling him he can’t live without booze your thoughts are telling you, you can’t live without him. Both of you are down in the rabbit hole right now and it doesn’t appear he’s ready to climb out any time soon so that leaves you and choices to make for yourself.
Yes, go to as many meetings as you possibly can. Rather than sit and witness his self-destruction take yourself to a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Bizzita... I have a tiny church that is open all the time.. St Joan of Arc.. and when the priest in there sees me on the floor in sobs.. he allows me to cry talk to the spirit of the church and rest and then he puts me in a pew and we talk... this church is the last place she knelt in before they took her to the stake.. the priest that guards the church has been my friend for a lot of years... he will shut the door when I am there in tears... yep... and kiddo I was raised a Lutheran believe in what my Grand mothers practiced for white witch craft and know that I can talk to spirits larger then me.. so .... do you have a place of solac
a church even in hospitals they have special chapelins that can help and keep it private.. I have a lovely lady of Faith that when Ed is in the hospital holds me tight... Lady you are so solid in your beliefs of things larger then you ... I need to chat with you.. she will say...
or just an eldery lady that is not far from were you live.. one that is a good chat or as you say chin wag.. a sherry or tea and comfort... sometimes that helps so much.. love ardy
a church even in hospitals they have special chapelins that can help and keep it private.. I have a lovely lady of Faith that when Ed is in the hospital holds me tight... Lady you are so solid in your beliefs of things larger then you ... I need to chat with you.. she will say...
or just an eldery lady that is not far from were you live.. one that is a good chat or as you say chin wag.. a sherry or tea and comfort... sometimes that helps so much.. love ardy
Originally Posted by MissBizzita
His mother lives 4 hours away... Which would mean him getting a train. I don't see it happening. All he's good for at the minute is drinking, sleeping and buying alcohol. He's in a very dark place.
I know it's not good for me being round him but it's my home... I don't want to have to leave my home. Plus as stupid as it sounds I have three cats who need looking after, 1 is just a tiny baby kitten. I can't leave them.. He won't feed them...
It's all such a damn mess. There is a nurse at work who offers counselling but I'm a teacher and I worry that they may say I'm not fit to work or that I'm guilty by association.
I've tried my friends but they have never seen him like this, they know the lovely caring side of him and they can't comprehend why I'm in such a state.
I just don't know what to do.. I want to cry and scream or hide away and hope that when I wake up everything is ok. The hurt I am feeling is unbearable. I want to hold him and tell him how much I love him and I want that to be enough but it isn't. I'm trying to control alcoholism and I know I never will.
I don't know how this can ever get better. I'm truly desperate.
I know it's not good for me being round him but it's my home... I don't want to have to leave my home. Plus as stupid as it sounds I have three cats who need looking after, 1 is just a tiny baby kitten. I can't leave them.. He won't feed them...
It's all such a damn mess. There is a nurse at work who offers counselling but I'm a teacher and I worry that they may say I'm not fit to work or that I'm guilty by association.
I've tried my friends but they have never seen him like this, they know the lovely caring side of him and they can't comprehend why I'm in such a state.
I just don't know what to do.. I want to cry and scream or hide away and hope that when I wake up everything is ok. The hurt I am feeling is unbearable. I want to hold him and tell him how much I love him and I want that to be enough but it isn't. I'm trying to control alcoholism and I know I never will.
I don't know how this can ever get better. I'm truly desperate.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
MB, I wasn't suggesting for a moment you leave your house, more along the lines that you ask him to leave. He's doing nothing but drink and sleep. I can assure you that if you get him out, he will be perfectly capable of catching a train, seeing he is capable of buying alcohol. A's know how to look after themselves, and if they land in the lock-up then at least they get to sober up.
Frankly I don't see him coming to his senses unless you get him out of his cozy place to drink. You would be doing him a huge favour.
Frankly I don't see him coming to his senses unless you get him out of his cozy place to drink. You would be doing him a huge favour.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you, I know your pain first hand. Alcoholism is the ultimate in self destruction and it's common for alcoholics to sabotage themselves. Alanon is what saved my sanity and gave me the support needed to make the necessary changes. I recommend it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 25
I've asked him to leave, he promptly passed out again with a can of beer in his hand. I cannot physically remove him. I don't know what to do. His mum won't talk to me. I can't get through to him.
I know the decision I need to make. Everything you all say makes so much sense. But at the minute, sinking with the titanic seems like the preferable option. The alternative, I can't even imagine. It hurts so much. I'm broken. Just broken and I don't feel like I can be fixed.
I will look into what other meetings are on tonight but I don't know if I can do it and break down in front of strangers again.
I don't want it to sound like I'm not listening or taking on board what everyone is saying. I am. But at the minute, I don't have even a glimmer of hope and I've resigned myself to sinking. I can't seem to pull myself back together.
I know the decision I need to make. Everything you all say makes so much sense. But at the minute, sinking with the titanic seems like the preferable option. The alternative, I can't even imagine. It hurts so much. I'm broken. Just broken and I don't feel like I can be fixed.
I will look into what other meetings are on tonight but I don't know if I can do it and break down in front of strangers again.
I don't want it to sound like I'm not listening or taking on board what everyone is saying. I am. But at the minute, I don't have even a glimmer of hope and I've resigned myself to sinking. I can't seem to pull myself back together.
torquemax777
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
I don't know if this is good advice or not, but maybe you should call 911 tell them you are worried about alcohol poisoning or whatever. They can physically remove him and in the meantime, you can figure out how NOT to let him back. Perhaps he won't want to come back if he thinks you'll call 911 every time he drinks/ passes out?
Others may have better suggestions, but otherwise, I don't know how to physically remove someone.
Others may have better suggestions, but otherwise, I don't know how to physically remove someone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 25
I'm in England and I've tried calling 999 in the past. The ambulance always comes but even when I've said he is suicidal etc they will never take him away unless there is proof that he is in imminent danger and/or wants to go. The health service over here is sadly not the best (in my experience) when it comes to mental health/ alcoholism.
The one time he reached out and asked me to take him to hospital for help they discharged him almost immediately as they had no space with instructions to carry on drinking (for fear of withdrawal symptoms) and to call a "community alcohol" hotline. He got home, it was a Friday evening. He called the number to reach out for help and they were closed for the weekend. He never tried again.
The one time he reached out and asked me to take him to hospital for help they discharged him almost immediately as they had no space with instructions to carry on drinking (for fear of withdrawal symptoms) and to call a "community alcohol" hotline. He got home, it was a Friday evening. He called the number to reach out for help and they were closed for the weekend. He never tried again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
MissB, it is so good that you are here at SR with people who understand and it is the reason why so many people are telling you to continue with Alanon. I have seen it, in several of your posts, that people around you just don't understand. And you are right, normal people do not comprehend what living with and loving an active alcoholic is like. I learned that talking to my friends about my alcoholic mother was pointless and oftentimes counterproductive. No one who has never experienced it can possibly comprehend. MY codependent father is almost more steeped in denial than my mother is about her problem. (which sounds like that is the case with your abf's mother) Stick around here and keep trying Alanon, read a lot of books on codependency and work on getting to a healthy place in your mind, body and spirit so that you are able to create the boundaries that you need to create with this man.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
MissB,
I don't really have any advice for how to get him out of your house but please don't lose hope. You are going to be ok. I know it is overwhelming but keep posting & reading and going to every meeting you can and I promise you will start feeling better...with or without him. One day at a time!
I don't really have any advice for how to get him out of your house but please don't lose hope. You are going to be ok. I know it is overwhelming but keep posting & reading and going to every meeting you can and I promise you will start feeling better...with or without him. One day at a time!
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