amberly

Weakening not weakenint...

My AH is in inpatient treatment right now and I told him about the big D last night. I was so set to be strong and move forward. Then today I got a letter from him that he had written several days before we talked last night. It was loving and sincere and sounded like the H I used to know before the war and depression and PTSD. He wrote that he really wants to be sober the rest of his life. And he said he was sorry he did not get PTSD treatment years ago because then he would not have put us in this situation.

Do I stay rigid and keep going with the divorce or should I try to give this one more chance? He was a totally different person before Iraq and I felt like it was that whole person writing that letter.

Duckygirl1

This is not an easy one at all. I am a vet and have a son who is an Army ranger. I have always believed that my fathers drinking was due in part to WWII and the things he saw. Back then they just called it shell shocked. So I have all sympathy for my fellows.

I'm glad he's getting help, but this is early. He's feeling positive (possibly on the pink cloud, Google it). It's waaaaaaaay too early to tell if if this is going to be his start to permanent sobriety. Even if he stops drinking, PTSD is a whole other can of worms. If you really want to be strong for him, then you must be strong for yourself. You need time to heal and focus on something besides him and his recovery. He also needs time to heal without worrying about you. Time apart may not mean forever. But it does mean if you decide to stay you will do it from a place of strength and clarity rather than guilt, pity or desperation.

amberly

We have actually been together after Iraq for 6 years. I have experienced the PTSD issues but I didn't know until 2 years ago about the extent of the drinking. I am a disabled vet myself so I really do have empathy. But he has done so many crummy, selfish, scary things to me that I can't just call it trauma related anymore. It has gotten to the point of physical violence, I have had to call the police a half dozen times because of the drinking, and he has 2 cdv felony charges for holding a loaded gun to my head.

I know that really sounds extreme but he has not been himself for a long time. The letter was the very first time I have had even a glimpse of the real him.

FeelingGreat

Hi Amberly, just thinking around a compromise where you would be formally separated, he would live elsewhere, and you would see how it goes. But only if that's what you want. If you were to try it, would it be because you are sorry for him, or because you love him enough to try? He's never going to be the person he was, but could you love the new version?
Getting ongoing treatment would have to be a key to his recovery. He's currently in a situation where he's supported, has no access to alcohol, and is undergoing treatment. Once he leaves he'll be faced with many real-life challenges.
From your details, especially the loaded gun incident, I would not under any circumstances, live with him again unless he undergoes long-term, active, recovery. I'm horrified that you've gone through it. Do you now have PTSD?

ladyscribbler

It has gotten to the point of physical violence, I have had to call the police a half dozen times because of the drinking, and he has 2 cdv felony charges for holding a loaded gun to my head.

I am also an Iraq veteran (Army) suffering from PTSD and this horrifies me. You could easily have been killed.
I aggressively sought treatment for my PTSD, and follow up when I have a flare up. I choose not to have firearms in my home. I choose not to self-medicate with alcohol or street drugs.
PTSD is not a choice, and war is hell, but what we do afterward is. I have never gotten physically violent with another person and blamed my PTSD. I work daily to manage my symptoms through good self care and occasionally medication when necessary.
You don't have to rush into anything right now, but I would say to observe this from a safe distance. He is in rehab right now. Even if you decide to reconcile, there's no reason he has to move back home immediately. If you choose the divorce route, be safe. If he feels he has nothing to lose it could make him more dangerous.
One of the mistakes I made was to give alcohol, PTSD and TBIs too much credit for my ex's abuse. I made a lot of excuses for him.
Take care and keep us posted. We are here for you.

amberly

FeelingGreat, I am almost sad to say that we are so dysfunctional that the gun incident didn'teven scare me. I was just surprised because I didn't know the gun was there. How messed up is my head that I was more worried about him hurting himself than I was about me?

amberly

Thank you for this post. I think I let him blame PTSD and TBI for too much also. And I have since removed the guns from the home. Your perspective is right on and helps me a lot.