Detachment question(s)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MD
Posts: 5
First and foremost, thanks to everyone who has replied. I am in a much more calm place after reading your words and I think I have a much better understanding of detachment.
Since I have been asked: Yes, I was drinking when we dated and when we married. I was also aware a related issue that she was in therapy for. ( I'm not sure it is appropriate for me to share her personal information related to the condition). My parents and siblings are normal temperate drinkers as are her parents and sibling. However, I have quite a few relatives outside of my immediate family that are excessive drinkers and possibly A but undiagnosed and untreated. My wife's family(by her own words)had a history of A on both the maternal and paternal sides in her grandparents and possibly farther back. My wife barely drank even when I did. Over the decade plus that I have known her she has probably had only 5 or 6 drinks.
Both of us came from upper middle class, educated families with parents that are still married. This is the second marriage for both of us and no children from our previous marriages. We both are college educated with professional careers. Despite our respective addition and issues we have not suffered and outward signs of loss WRT jobs, house, etc. nor any legal trouble. From the outside we appear to be a normal, boring family with a normal, boring background.
On the rare occasion my wife talks to me about her program she has told me that she is working through a lot of anger and the ACOA meetings are probably more valuable to her than the AFG meetings. Although I haven't noticed A problems with her parents they used to visit regularly when I was still drinking but since I have gotten sober I am invited to take a few days off and go fishing whenever they are in town now. I don't particularly mind doing so but it is odd nevertheless.
Matt
Since I have been asked: Yes, I was drinking when we dated and when we married. I was also aware a related issue that she was in therapy for. ( I'm not sure it is appropriate for me to share her personal information related to the condition). My parents and siblings are normal temperate drinkers as are her parents and sibling. However, I have quite a few relatives outside of my immediate family that are excessive drinkers and possibly A but undiagnosed and untreated. My wife's family(by her own words)had a history of A on both the maternal and paternal sides in her grandparents and possibly farther back. My wife barely drank even when I did. Over the decade plus that I have known her she has probably had only 5 or 6 drinks.
Both of us came from upper middle class, educated families with parents that are still married. This is the second marriage for both of us and no children from our previous marriages. We both are college educated with professional careers. Despite our respective addition and issues we have not suffered and outward signs of loss WRT jobs, house, etc. nor any legal trouble. From the outside we appear to be a normal, boring family with a normal, boring background.
On the rare occasion my wife talks to me about her program she has told me that she is working through a lot of anger and the ACOA meetings are probably more valuable to her than the AFG meetings. Although I haven't noticed A problems with her parents they used to visit regularly when I was still drinking but since I have gotten sober I am invited to take a few days off and go fishing whenever they are in town now. I don't particularly mind doing so but it is odd nevertheless.
Matt
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yikes, your wife's actions are painfully familiar to me....I am SO guilty of the same things.
For me, it isn't detatchment - I can do that, and it resembles what everyone here says it is. In my house, what my ABF is experiencing from me is absolute anger and resentment. I love him, but I am friggin angry as hell at him. When she tells you she is working through a lot of anger - believe her. Her / my actions are abusive, unhealthy for all involved, and completely damaging to all involved.
I could go on and on about why my ABF "deserves" this pain and attitude from me - he can't / couldn't get better and fix us, let alone repair or even remember all of the misery his drinking has caused me. Feeling that way towards him is much easier than looking inward at why I chose a relationship with an active addict, why I stayed with an active addict, and why I skipped over unacceptable behavior for so long. I could guess that this is what your wife is grappling with, and if it is any consolation, she is probably even more angry at herself than she is at you. Somehow "payback" to you seems like the natural thing to do.
I'm not trying to excuse her behavior whatsoever - your original post cuts deep for me and maybe her issue is the same as mine. That behavior / my behavior is not ok.
She is doing the right things - shes honest about her anger - she is working a program. Have you tried marriage counseling with her since you have been sober, and since she is working a program?
Trying to consider what my ABF could do to help....maybe call me on it. I am a very logical / reasonable person. If he had some understanding as to why I am so angry, if he made ammends, and if he called me on my crap after that, I hope I would be more willing to work on that awful part of me to help save our future.
Good luck - and I'm sorry. If your wife is anything like me - she does not like being that person.
For me, it isn't detatchment - I can do that, and it resembles what everyone here says it is. In my house, what my ABF is experiencing from me is absolute anger and resentment. I love him, but I am friggin angry as hell at him. When she tells you she is working through a lot of anger - believe her. Her / my actions are abusive, unhealthy for all involved, and completely damaging to all involved.
I could go on and on about why my ABF "deserves" this pain and attitude from me - he can't / couldn't get better and fix us, let alone repair or even remember all of the misery his drinking has caused me. Feeling that way towards him is much easier than looking inward at why I chose a relationship with an active addict, why I stayed with an active addict, and why I skipped over unacceptable behavior for so long. I could guess that this is what your wife is grappling with, and if it is any consolation, she is probably even more angry at herself than she is at you. Somehow "payback" to you seems like the natural thing to do.
I'm not trying to excuse her behavior whatsoever - your original post cuts deep for me and maybe her issue is the same as mine. That behavior / my behavior is not ok.
She is doing the right things - shes honest about her anger - she is working a program. Have you tried marriage counseling with her since you have been sober, and since she is working a program?
Trying to consider what my ABF could do to help....maybe call me on it. I am a very logical / reasonable person. If he had some understanding as to why I am so angry, if he made ammends, and if he called me on my crap after that, I hope I would be more willing to work on that awful part of me to help save our future.
Good luck - and I'm sorry. If your wife is anything like me - she does not like being that person.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Matt,
I wanted to also welcome you to SR. This is a place of great understanding, I hope you gain what you are looking for. Congrats on your own sobriety! That is wonderful!!
I can only say that for myself, I acted the same way your wife is. Many reasons, anger, anxiety, confusion, hurt, the list goes on. The #1 for me was trust. My X had lost my trust through the actions of his choices and drinking. I was always living in constant fear of that shoe to drop...again. It was very raw fear.
I can only say that for some, you can get past this. For others, not. I would say since you are here you have a big need for your relationship to work out. Have you guys thought about counseling? For her, separate and together with you? It can be a great resource.
Needless to say, I wish you the very best in your future. Unfortunately, it takes a long time to heal, but that does not mean it cannot be done.
Glad you are here!
I wanted to also welcome you to SR. This is a place of great understanding, I hope you gain what you are looking for. Congrats on your own sobriety! That is wonderful!!
I can only say that for myself, I acted the same way your wife is. Many reasons, anger, anxiety, confusion, hurt, the list goes on. The #1 for me was trust. My X had lost my trust through the actions of his choices and drinking. I was always living in constant fear of that shoe to drop...again. It was very raw fear.
I can only say that for some, you can get past this. For others, not. I would say since you are here you have a big need for your relationship to work out. Have you guys thought about counseling? For her, separate and together with you? It can be a great resource.
Needless to say, I wish you the very best in your future. Unfortunately, it takes a long time to heal, but that does not mean it cannot be done.
Glad you are here!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by Mattla 
First and foremost, thanks to everyone who has replied. I am in a much more calm place after reading your words and I think I have a much better understanding of detachment.
Since I have been asked: Yes, I was drinking when we dated and when we married. I was also aware a related issue that she was in therapy for. ( I'm not sure it is appropriate for me to share her personal information related to the condition). My parents and siblings are normal temperate drinkers as are her parents and sibling. However, I have quite a few relatives outside of my immediate family that are excessive drinkers and possibly A but undiagnosed and untreated. My wife's family(by her own words)had a history of A on both the maternal and paternal sides in her grandparents and possibly farther back. My wife barely drank even when I did. Over the decade plus that I have known her she has probably had only 5 or 6 drinks.
Both of us came from upper middle class, educated families with parents that are still married. This is the second marriage for both of us and no children from our previous marriages. We both are college educated with professional careers. Despite our respective addition and issues we have not suffered and outward signs of loss WRT jobs, house, etc. nor any legal trouble. From the outside we appear to be a normal, boring family with a normal, boring background.
On the rare occasion my wife talks to me about her program she has told me that she is working through a lot of anger and the ACOA meetings are probably more valuable to her than the AFG meetings. Although I haven't noticed A problems with her parents they used to visit regularly when I was still drinking but since I have gotten sober I am invited to take a few days off and go fishing whenever they are in town now. I don't particularly mind doing so but it is odd nevertheless.
Matt
Since I have been asked: Yes, I was drinking when we dated and when we married. I was also aware a related issue that she was in therapy for. ( I'm not sure it is appropriate for me to share her personal information related to the condition). My parents and siblings are normal temperate drinkers as are her parents and sibling. However, I have quite a few relatives outside of my immediate family that are excessive drinkers and possibly A but undiagnosed and untreated. My wife's family(by her own words)had a history of A on both the maternal and paternal sides in her grandparents and possibly farther back. My wife barely drank even when I did. Over the decade plus that I have known her she has probably had only 5 or 6 drinks.
Both of us came from upper middle class, educated families with parents that are still married. This is the second marriage for both of us and no children from our previous marriages. We both are college educated with professional careers. Despite our respective addition and issues we have not suffered and outward signs of loss WRT jobs, house, etc. nor any legal trouble. From the outside we appear to be a normal, boring family with a normal, boring background.
On the rare occasion my wife talks to me about her program she has told me that she is working through a lot of anger and the ACOA meetings are probably more valuable to her than the AFG meetings. Although I haven't noticed A problems with her parents they used to visit regularly when I was still drinking but since I have gotten sober I am invited to take a few days off and go fishing whenever they are in town now. I don't particularly mind doing so but it is odd nevertheless.
Matt
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I guess I would add that as I'm learning the hard way there is a BIG difference between detachment and allowing someone else to walk all over you. I'm glad you are smarter than I am and are realizing this.
I managed to stuff away a world of anger by doing as such, playing door mat rather than healthy detachment "because I deserved it." This did about as much good for me as drinking did-it DIDN'T and kept me stuck at being a dry drunk. Best of luck to you and yours in your continued journey.
Peace,
Cookies
I managed to stuff away a world of anger by doing as such, playing door mat rather than healthy detachment "because I deserved it." This did about as much good for me as drinking did-it DIDN'T and kept me stuck at being a dry drunk. Best of luck to you and yours in your continued journey.
Peace,
Cookies
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: MD
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Hi Matt,
I can only say that for myself, I acted the same way your wife is. Many reasons, anger, anxiety, confusion, hurt, the list goes on. The #1 for me was trust. My X had lost my trust through the actions of his choices and drinking. I was always living in constant fear of that shoe to drop...again. It was very raw fear.
Glad you are here!
I can only say that for myself, I acted the same way your wife is. Many reasons, anger, anxiety, confusion, hurt, the list goes on. The #1 for me was trust. My X had lost my trust through the actions of his choices and drinking. I was always living in constant fear of that shoe to drop...again. It was very raw fear.
Glad you are here!
Congrats on your sobriety and your bravery.
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