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Need strength to continue with mediation

Old 02-17-2015, 08:53 PM
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Need strength to continue with mediation

I really want mediation to work but today's meeting was a freaking mess. STBXAH was all over the place to the point where I was blamed for him having no confidence in his sales job. He actually said, "You took it from ME!!!!" It was the biggest pity party and sob story I have ever heard.
There's no way he can make the same amount of money that he's been making the past because he is a beaten down no more confidence left shell of a man and it's all my fault. He's angry, he's beyond that actually. It was truly sad.

When I told him that we really need to get back to discussing what's best for our son, he said, "What about what's best for ME? Does anyone ever consider me?" I came back with, "You're an adult for god's sake. This conversation is about what's best for our son!" Well, that opened up a can of worms, ugh.

At least 3 times in a 2.5 hour meeting, he made reference to how he won't pay for this or that, how if I even get a boyfriend who spends the night every once in a while he'll stop paying spousal support, blah blah blah.....

I don't want to feel sorry for him but I do. I am trying to understand what it must feel like to be left alone and to not even have your dog around. I get it, but these are the consequences of his untreated alcoholism. He keeps saying that he didn't want the divorce. Well, neither did I buddy but after nearly 20 years of marriage, I have nothing left to give and now I do want a divorce....badly.

We can't file for the divorce, though, until he gets the house refinanced. The lawyer said that the loan wouldn't get approved if the divorce decree is filed because then his assets/liabilities balance sheet would be skewed against him. I get it and I know that he's working with a mortgage guy right now, too. He's waiting on the appraisal to come back so I'm hoping we can file in a few weeks.

I am not liking this transition period and I know he's not either. Yet, it was wonderful to come home to MY house and get some things organized and then sit down on my couch and not feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I have to remember that my peace and serenity are worth more than what I'll get for spousal support and that I'll have my own price to pay in some way.
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Old 02-17-2015, 08:58 PM
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I understand your frustration, but you are still trying to accommodate him. If you truly want a divorce, then file. If he doesn't qualify for a refinance of the house, then that's too bad. Just sell it and divide the profit, if any, or have him buy you out and be done with it.

Your post was all about what HE said during this mediation. What did the mediator say?
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Old 02-17-2015, 08:59 PM
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Im sorry he blew up on you. When their minds are cluttered with toxins it seems pointless to try and have adult conversations with them.

May I suggest ear plugs? lol...Don't we all wish!

But what a blessing that you have come as far as you have, that you have that peaceful place to retreat to when all is said and done for the day that doesn't include your A. Yay for that huge milestone!!

Hugs girl, I hope it is all resolved soon.
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Old 02-17-2015, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
When I told him that we really need to get back to discussing what's best for our son, he said, "What about what's best for ME? Does anyone ever consider me?"
The mediator was there to hear that, right? Because, you're right, it should be all about what is best for your son. His little rant was more than just self-pity, it was selfish.

I'm so glad your new place is starting to feel like home. (And I kind of look forward to hearing that you're mad as heck at him for pulling stuff like that, rather than feeling sorry for him.) ((((hugs))))
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Old 02-17-2015, 09:22 PM
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Liz, it takes two to mediate. Just like it takes two to dance.

If you are the only one truly "present", it doesn't matter what you want. You can't tango with yourself.

So feel free to let go of the expectations, maybe give him 10 days to get the refinance done, then just move on to the next step if he can't get his act together for the mediation.

When I divorced my first husband, I wanted to have the perfect divorce. Until it occured to me that if we could accomplish the perfect divorce, we wouldn't have needed a divorce at all. This is about cutting your losses and moving on into the next era of your life. There will be costs, and expecting your expectations to be realized is probably the first loss.

So glad you are moved and can go home to your own peaceful place! That's quite an accomplishment, and a source of renewal for you and your son.

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Old 02-17-2015, 10:26 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I understand your frustration, but you are still trying to accommodate him. If you truly want a divorce, then file. If he doesn't qualify for a refinance of the house, then that's too bad. Just sell it and divide the profit, if any, or have him buy you out and be done with it.

Your post was all about what HE said during this mediation. What did the mediator say?
Yeah, that was pretty obvious and yes, the mediator heard it all. She tries to not take sides but she was very good about reigning things in and getting us back on track.

I know he's working things on his end so I'm trying to extend some grace to him and give him time to finish the refi (we're waiting on the appraisal). I don't know why I didn't think about asking him to consider NOW selling the house. I need to bring that up. I've been so wrapped up in my move and getting settled that I had put all of this on the back burner until today.

As for what the mediator said: she was very clear that his request to only pay spousal support for 2 years wouldn't hold up in court. She's handled over 600 mediations and she is pretty certain that he isn't being realistic. I trust her, but I also know that she doesn't know our back story and doesn't even know about the alcoholism. I'm hoping we can do this quickly, despite his rantings and ravings.
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Old 02-18-2015, 07:41 AM
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And.....I woke up even more p*ssed than I was yesterday. I really need to figure out a way to manage these emotions. I am rehashing everything that was said in that room yesterday and getting more and more agitated. UGH....

If this mediation starts to falter or gets dragged on, I am considering (once again) retaining my own lawyer. Just being in the same room with him gets me jacked up. And, I know, I don't need to wait to make that decision but the frugal side of me wants to keep costs down by using mediation. I know that this is my choice and that I can make other choices here.....

Time to find a meeting and get my head screwed on straight and to get prepared for things to possibly get worse before they get better.
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Old 02-18-2015, 07:53 AM
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Mediation will be trying because you're trying to negotiate with someone who is quite literally insane.

Here's something to meditate on that helps me: www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSLU9PiXgRk

All things are temporary, including this. You can tolerate this for a time longer to get to the goals you want to achieve. This is just temporary.
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Old 02-18-2015, 08:13 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
If this mediation starts to falter or gets dragged on, I am considering (once again) retaining my own lawyer. Just being in the same room with him gets me jacked up.
I think you see how the mediation is going already. It takes two rational people to make mediation work... you only have one rational person in the mix. If it were me, I'd bite the bullet and get on with it... with your own lawyer. This will only get worse.
p.s. his selfishness is beyond amazing.
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Old 02-18-2015, 08:58 AM
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Hi Liz,

Well I can totally understand waking up irked and having that rankle. But gosh - after 20 years, you are in your own space. It is going to wrap up and wrap up relatively soon one way or another.

Peace to you. You deserve it. Good luck hiding all the men coming and going at your new digs! chatter:
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Old 02-18-2015, 09:07 AM
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You know, maybe your emotions don't need to be managed as much as they need to be heard?

Maybe they're telling you something you need to acknowledge and honor?
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Old 02-18-2015, 10:55 AM
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I agree with Lillamy. Unless.... you're waking up angry, banging stuff around, calling him and ripping him up one side and down the other, hanging up, doing it all again... then MAYBE you should manage your emotions.

Anger is a sign that something is wrong: boundaries are being crossed or needs are going unmet, that something needs to be changed. I love this quote by Malcolm X:

"Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change."

My sister brought it up in a discussion with my nephew recently. Then she told him probably the last thing he wanted to hear right then: sit down and figure out WHY you're angry and then see if you can figure out what you can do to change what's going on.

So, following my sister's line of thought. Rather than ruminating on the mess, can you take a moment to figure out exactly why you're angry and then start brainstorming what you can do?
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Old 02-18-2015, 11:56 AM
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If I were you, I'd cut the crap and get a lawyer to wrap this up. And I'm referring to HIS crap. Sometimes "saving money" is really false economy. I'd pay a lot of money not to have to sit and hammer out details of a divorce with an unreasonable alcoholic. I have a feeling you're not going to come to an ultimate agreement by mediating, so why keep putting yourself through this? It isn't as if you can't afford to pay a lawyer. And if he drags out the divorce for no good reason there's a good chance he'll be on the hook for your legal fees.
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Old 02-18-2015, 01:12 PM
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As Willie Nelson said:

"Know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it."

I don't even want to tell you what my bill ended up being (I made the last payment to my lawyer four years after the divorce was final) but I can tell you that it was worth every penny.
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Old 02-18-2015, 01:40 PM
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One more thing from him and I would retain an attorney.

I understand. My X was having a poor me pity party to me just yesterday before all things blew up later on. It really ticks me off b/c they just need to put on their big boy britches and move forward with things. Ugh.....

Hugs my dear friend. This will pass eventually.....
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Old 02-19-2015, 11:23 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
One more thing from him and I would retain an attorney.

I understand. My X was having a poor me pity party to me just yesterday before all things blew up later on. It really ticks me off b/c they just need to put on their big boy britches and move forward with things. Ugh.....

Hugs my dear friend. This will pass eventually.....
Thank you! He is communicating (finally) about how things with the house are going. He is in touch with the brokers for his parent's estate so that he can pay me my share of the equity and he said the appraisal has been ordered yesterday AM.

At least he's functioning enough to get some things done. I am sure that if I had put this off another year, that might not be the case.

I'm currently having trouble with my son wanting to spend time at his house, though. He is willing to have dad take him to his practices and lessons and out to dinner, but he balked when I suggested he spend an hour at dad's house yesterday between high school tennis practice and his private lesson. I had to drive back to the high school and bring him back to my house and then have AH pick him up. Kind of a pain as I had a fe things to do.

Since we are in the transition period of 'separated but not divorced yet' the parenting plan isn't really in place and I'm not sure he really cares. We decided on having our son spend every other weekend with him and one day/evening a week and then have them spend time together as needed when I need help with the schedule or if they want to go play tennis together, etc.

Our next meeting with the mediator will be a discussion about the parenting plan and following up on solidifying the support numbers, etc. Gee, that will be fun.

I've decided to stick with mediation. Once I cooled off and he followed through on his end with a few things, I realized that I just need to be patient. The moving out was the hardest part and I feel so much peace being here. I can't tell you all how grateful I am for being here. It was worth the price I've paid to get here, you know?
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