Hammer

Nice (actually kind of goofy) strawman.

I am pretty sure you know what that is, too.

Save the silliness for those who will play it.

Just one Fail on the Steps. That was enough.

Got and did just about what you are pondering.

Experience is a Great Teacher. Lurn allot.

But let's end our drama. Best to you.

Stung

Huh?

Honestly, Hawkeye was telling you that she admires that I'm rescuing my children, to the best of my ability, from living day to day with someone who is sick but won't help themselves. That's the opposite of you. Plus you use your children as a scapegoat (well they want me to keep the family together, it's THEIR decision, not mine - no, YOU are the adult it is YOUR decision, when they turn 18 it is THEIR decision) and then whine that another wife hasn't fallen into your lap (do your children want you to find a new wife while also keeping the family together? They only get to make some decisions about their familial lives?).

That's not at all what I'm doing. I'm being decisive and taking responsibility for my role in all of this. I don't understand where you think that the steps and being responsible for yourself don't go hand in hand. All that al-anon advises as far as big decision making is concerned is that you wait until you've been in the program for 6 months before making a big decision. I've been in al-anon for 6 months and therapy for more than a year and this isn't something that I'm suddenly deciding, as other members on my thread have attested to.

Yes, please, take your drama off of my thread. No offense but you are not in a position to be telling me that the steps will make my problems better. If I applied your methods to my life then I would just wait until my husband finally got sick of my ******** and initiated divorce himself or just live in a miserable relationship for the rest of my life. I don't need to wait to finish the steps through one rotation to see that I'm not in a healthy relationship and it's not only my perspective that makes it unhealthy because relationship ARE 50% of each party.

You do realize that one round of the steps is nothing, right? Once you finish you start over again and each round reveals more and more and more.

Stung

I apologize that that is so direct but there is a lot of arrogance coming from you on my thread, not to mention that you just keep saying the same thing over and over again. That is not productive and I already know you know that al-anon has a saying about saying things only once.

Maybe, just maybe, you could learn something from me even though I haven't finished the steps YET. No one on this forum has all the answers and doing the steps does not enlighten someone to such a level that they should be advising others on their lives. I'm doing the best that I can today. What is helpful is sharing how the steps helped to either better your relationship or helped you to get out of an unhealthy relationship rather than just telling me what to do.

EmmyG

I'm sorry/bummed that Stung is getting attacked here. I appreciate that you're here telling your story and I identify with so much of it. Please keep sharing what you're going through and I feel like you're heading in the right direction. It's super hard and I've been through the heartbreaking part but you're trying to be a good mother and that is something to be proud of.

totallytrying

Stung, I'll join with most people here in saying you're doing your best, which is all any of us can do. You've thought things through and been more than fair to your husband. Don't let certain people here tell you that you're failing or bailing or whatever the term is. Some people want to be martyrs and find it more fulfilling to excuse their behavior with "well, the kids wanted it" or "it doesn't really bother me"...it takes a lot more courage to actually try to protect your kids and yourself from the damaging behavior of others. That's what you're doing, and you should be proud of that fact.

dandylion

"take what you need, and leave the rest"

dandylion

CodeJob

Did something get pulled? I don't see an attack here. There is the cheerleading squad here jumping all around bc Stung made a decision and then a small group saying step 4 is outstanding.

I guess I'm in the small step 4 crowd. It reminds me when I say no to my son. Often a no is a delayed yes. No we can't go to the beach today as I have to work, but we can go Saturday.

But this is Stung. She is not a fence sitter. She had to make a decision now. I respect that. I think she would have come to the same decision either way (and it is her decision - not mine).

So Stung, own up to him with the word 'divorce.' Straight communication and no JADE.

I think too, Hammer's divorce is nearing its legal finality. Not that he writes very clearly about it. He definitely has some actualization issues due to his faith rearing. But when you look at it, his timeline isn't that far off from anyone else's.

I think the caution here is look at all the SR regulars ending marriages, separating or dealing with relapse(s). Most of us are about 2-3 years in from joining SR. Dealing with addiction gets old. That really is the moral of this story and most of us here on SR.

Thumper

Hey stung. I'm sorry. Addiction and the fall out is so sad. You are so clear that I don't really have advice to offer. I'm just responding to show support and a share. I relate to a lot of what you post personally and I see a lot of similarities in our husbands and relationships too. The situations are very different because you especially, but even your ah, have so much more recovery work done than we did at a this same point. The flood of words though. Oh boy. Be prepared. We read a lot about the spouse that flies off the handle and runs away, avoids, etc. the other kind sticks like super glue and divorcing is extremely difficult. In my case there was months of the flood you describe above, then the flood of mean blaming and button pushing, and back and forth on that swing - even after the divorce was final (which can happen fast in my state) and I had long ceased responding. Just a word to caution that previously reasonable men can really go off the rails sometimes (especially if the drinking were to increase) so be prepared - and I think you are! That dynamic also forced me to own every step of it. No more trying to get him on board, make it easy, own anything, lead the way, etc.

Also - loved what you had to say about fear and faith!

DesertEyes

Okay, people. Please get back to being supportive of each other. Simply repeating advice is not constructive, it is a form of harassment.

If you have nothing positive to say then go take a walk. Step away from the computer and get some fresh air. Come back tomorrow and find some other thread where you _can_ be positive.

Mike
Moderator, SR

lillamy

Love you, Stung. You've got one hell of a backbone. Keep doing what you're doing. Sounds to me like you're on a very good path.

Hawkeye13

Just hoping you are feeling OK and sending support.
I saw you posted on another thread that you told AH you wanted a divorce yesterday.

That can't have been easy because it is clear you still feel deeply for him.

Please be especially kind to yourself for now
and don't overthink things. They will sort.

Stung

Thank you and right back at you! I hope you keep updating us about what's going on with you too, Emmy!

There was no attacking and no posts were removed. When we make the choice to post on this forum about our lives we all decide to live in glass houses. If someone is going to repeatedly tell me what to do and then claim that I'm "bailing" on something or mock me because I like going to the beach then I consider that to be throwing a few stones into my yard. Really, it was the persistent nature of the behavior and using children as scapegoats triggers me something fierce (like it does to many other F&F members). I don't care how long someone wants to stay with their alcoholic spouse as long as they aren't trying to tell me how to fix my life when they can't even manage their own life. Other commenters jumped on JustBreathing earlier in this thread for doing the same thing. Hammer can dish it out and I know this isn't the first time that someone handed it right back to him.

Recovery is one size fits one. If someone doesn't like what I'm doing, what I'm about or my musings then I enthusiastically encourage them to click on another thread. There are many of other people on this forum looking for experience, strength, support and hope besides just little old me.

You nailed it! I've got a clinger. He was telling me today (he was here to watch our girls while I went to my meeting and met with my sponsor) that he wants our family to stay together because it's better for everyone, especially our kids. WRONG! If you want to be with me, then you want to be with me. Our kids can be raised perfectly healthy whether we're together or not (with his drinking is another subject but I'm trying to not mess with that nonsense anymore, I can't change it, I've tried). He's giving up his car in his latest attempt at sobriety and says that it's his single biggest trigger because it's the only place he drinks. Ugh. He says he has 13 days now. I don't want to be mean to him but I need to try really hard to not get sucked back into his freaking orbit.

So in an act of independence I bought myself some bakery goodies, a bubble bath bomb and a bottle of wine (I don't even remember the last time I bought myself a bottle of wine). He doesn't live here and will likely never live here again so I'm going to have some wine like an independent thinking and acting non-addict adult. This is what normies do. Act as if.

firebolt

The bath, wine, goodies combo sounds like a fantastic way to take care of yourself! Well on your way to a lower stress life, no matter what happens. I admire your strength and level head through it all. Keep doing what you're doing! Sending you all the best Stung.