Stung

Husband relapsed again. Another twirl on the merry go round. I'm getting tired of this cycle sooooo…I'm considering handing him an ultimatum. My reasoning is that nothing changes if nothing changes.

I'm not very clear on what else I can change at this point to make this more manageable for me. I'm not angry but just over it. I guess I could continue to wait but good grief, I want reliability in a husband and I think it's beginning to come clear from my perspective that AA isn't working for him. I almost want him to just TRY a different approach to see if it'll yield better results. I asked him if he wanted to try rehab again, he said that he doesn't think it's a realistic option with his career. He's been relapsing all week and attending AA meetings daily. "Why?" I asked him. "I don't want to drink anymore" he told me. He'll also be kicked out of his sober living environment this weekend for relapsing a second time. They let him stay the first time because he was proactive and told them that he relapsed rather than being caught, but two strikes and he's out.

I'm ready to shake things up and enter the lightening round, I think. I want to up the ante and say "you drink again, I'm selling my wedding bands and I'm filing for divorce." I love him fiercely and I want to be with him if he would just STOP relapsing every 30 - 60 days. But obviously we're both clueless on how to accomplish that and what we're currently doing isn't working.

Hammer

Might not want to hear this right here, right now . . .

But.

How are your Steps and Program going?

Remember, we are all friends, right?

Thumper

I'm sorry to hear that Stung.

To me what you are thinking about sounds more like a personal boundary or just coming to the end of the line than it does an ultimatum.

It's ok (to feel that way right now). Take some time and care for yourself. You don't have to make any big declarations this weekend - or maybe ever. The next right thing Stung - and that thing can be self care and rest.

Thinking of you...

MissFixit

Hi Stung,

PM if you want. I am happy to talk with you.

FireSprite

I totally get it Stung, you have to do what feels right for you & your girls. It's a crappy decision to have to make though, not easy. What does your gut say?

Stung

I already told him. He drinks again and I'm filing for divorce. As long as he's not drinking we can go on and continue to work to better ourselves and our marriage.

There is no bluffing here.

He says it sounds like a deal to him. If this doesn't work it's not going to put me in a worse position than I'm already in anyway. At least it's different.

I'm on step 3, still. Sponsor has been dangling the carrot of step 4 in front of me and urging me to be more compassionate towards myself. Last night I was thinking that it really sucks to be a single mother with an alcoholic husband. I think it would be less sucky to either have said husband stop messing around with his recovery OR to be a single mother with an alcoholic EX husband. Husband really has control over which way that goes.

FlippedRHalo

I'm sorry Stung... I remember that let down feeling so very well.

I'm currently the single mom with the ex alcoholic husband and it's much nicer this way. If I didn't have the ex-alcoholic fiance thrown in the mix for 2 years after the divorce, I'd probably be well on my way to a full, happy, exciting recovery by this point.

Still, I remember the disappointment as clear as day. It's so hard. My heart goes out to you and I'm wishing you all the strength and peace I can send your way right now.

Hammer

It would be really SUCKY to be a single mother taking care of two lovely girls, who is obsessing about an A . . . stalled on her Steps . . . and not getting the Clarity of Mind that going through the Steps would bring her.

But you already know all that.

Hubby is not and never was her problem.

Best, my friend.

SeriousKarma

I'm sorry, hon, that really sucks.

This all feels a little too "what if-y" to me. Like you're playing a game of chess. Does threatening to end a marriage ever work?

I think Thumper's right. Maybe step back from your next "move" for a bit. You have every right in the world to do nothing. What's the saying?:

"Don't just do something. Stand there!!!"

Stung

This is what I'm saying. Either he needs to be even FURTHER removed or he needs to get his crap together. Pick one! I don't like having a little bit of both each month.

I don't think I am. I think my sponsor is mad at me. She told me the other day that she got in A in parenting her adult children (her daughter is like my clone and her son is an A) and I laughed at her. First off, there are NO GRADES in life, let alone parenting and she told me that she got her A in parenting because her children went to college and have achievements. This kind of rationalization means that MY mother got an A in parenting too. I don't think so! And after that she told me that she thinks I should work the steps one step a year because a slow recovery is better.

chronsweet

IMO, it should be up to you how this progresses, not him.

Of course, he has a choice to make for himself. But you, dear, have your own choices to make. The ball is in your court as to how to progress for YOU!

Stung

Honestly, I think he'll drink again and we're going to get divorced. I just don't want to do this anymore. He's done a great job of selling me that same story and yet here we are. If he really means what he's been telling me then he'll stop drinking. Truly, what I'm doing is cowardly. I want it to be his fault, not mine. I want HIM to be the reason that forces my hand because he's been blaming a LOT on me and I'm tired of it.

Worst case scenario: we get divorced and he lives to be a super old drunk like his elders.

Best case scenario: dude never drinks again and keeps going to therapy.

He's a miserable human being when he drinks though and I don't want anything to do with it anymore. When he's not poisoning himself he's really wonderful to be around (aside from the lies that come up) would be nice to just have him in my life if he's going to be sober. Otherwise I'd like to just be done with this cycle and move on.

Hammer

I suspect she has figured out you thrive on Adversity, and rise up to a Challenge.

But I would not want to tip her hand.

So. You going to sit there and take her telling you that YOU are not ready to proceed?

oh, never mind. You have an A to obsess over.

Good Luck on that.

Stung

I really don't think I'm obsessing. This is more of a declaration that I'm changing my position. We talked a lot last night that I'm not ashamed of him, that I understand that he's sick and he's struggling. I don't think he's a bad person. I don't want nor need to make him feel bad because he already does an excellent job of that himself. And that my love for him isn't fickle, I don't stop loving him or love him less because of his personal struggles.

All of that said, this situation just isn't working for me anymore. I have an unreliable person in my life that is filling a position where I need a reliable person. The yo-yo of him trying and failing every month is too much up and down for me. He can choose to be reliable or he can choose to not be but then I need to set him assail away from me if I can't count on him. I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm at that point where the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. I would rather feel compassionate from a farther distance. This is the last chance that I'm willing to stick it out for.

suki44883

Sounds to me like you are ready for him to fish or cut bait. Or, more like you're ready to cut bait if he isn't going to fish. You sound strong in your thinking and I wish you much happiness regardless of which way it goes.

Thumper

I sure remember all those feelings. Sometimes we just know when we are done with the dance. DONE.

Stung

I've given him a year. I'm working my recovery and I'm doing a damn good job. I'm fulfilling my half of the bargain and I feel like I'm being very clear and reasonable. I'm not afraid of divorce. I'm afraid of wasting my life being in the same miserable position. I get one shot at life. I want to enjoy it and put myself in a position to grow and enjoy everything that life has to offer. I cannot have a quasi husband like I have now. I don't like it. I want all of it or I want nothing. I deserve the whole enchilada or I'm cool being on my own and only cleaning up messes that I create.

suki44883

FireSprite

I actually really admire your decisiveness Stung. You know what you want & you aren't afraid to get it. It's not like you're walking away after 3 wks & a single relapse, you've put in lots of effort. (((hugs)))

CodeJob

You've been blessed you two could afford him being out of the house for all of this time.

I'm sorry to hear he relapsed again Stung.

I wonder how much of this ultimatum is fear, anger, and seizing control? Not that I wouldn't be doing the same thing when viewing multiple relapses.

What does your sponsor Say?