Spalding

Pink! I'm really sorry to hear youre going through this. It's definitely unfair and not right.

My question is how to address the codependent behaviour of looking through someone's phone/email/facebook? I understand it's a sensitive issue, but it might point to some other ways you could look for support. Changing the codependent behaviour we have can really help us move forward down the road. Does anyone have any thoughts on that? I understand it's made more complicated due to the fact of the presumed adultery going on...I just think that it might be another self crazy making behaviour we all have gone though? Am I wrong on this thought? (Im really not trying to be mean, I'm just really wondering about that dynamic)

Hangnbyathread

Don't confuse Co-Dependency with being niave. She has every right to know why he is travelling out of town and spending all their money on something besides them.

Etc.

I went through all of the "You invaded my privacy arguments. All that is is deflection. How about.....They shouldn't be doing it in the,1st place. I have no problem with taking a hands off approach. But if something doesn't add up, we should be allowed to ask questions. If we cant, we need to get out of it.

fluffyflea

I don't think it's codependent behaviour looking through someone's phonebook and phone whatever if you think something is wrong.

I think it is survival behaviour.

She has described many things which are unacceptable in her marriage. It's perfectly normal to want to know the facts.

chicory

If you have always been a stay at home mom, you could be entitled to alimony, in some states.

Pink, I hope you can begin to investigate your options, speaking to a lawyer, maybe even on the phone, if you cannot get there. Usually the first appointment is a free consultation.

Perhaps can you save some money back, that won't be noticed?

hugs
chicory

Summerpeach

I was just about to answer exactly like you did!!!

My question to the poster though is: is any way how is your accepting this as being ok? This is not new info. I have no doubt this was his behavior when you met/married him?
He's a cheater.....and that will never change, but what in you needs to change so you don't keep falling into your sickness of pain.

Been here, done it and have healed from it......

freetosmile

Well as we always say around here, whatever your choice is, we will be here to support you.

Spalding

I totally agree about needing to know what's happening with behaviour and money. I do not support her husband's actions in any way AT ALL. I really do hope Pink get's out of there.
Good to know about the privacy thing. It's something I've not had to deal with before, just a curious thought. I can see the necessity, of the actions, I just wonder if there might have been another way (though probably not). Thanks for considering that question!

Hangnbyathread

Hey. I want to say that I wasn't making your question a personal one. You have a valid point of view about prying into someone else's private things. A phone, e-mail etc are private things. No one should ever take the approach its OK to have access to these without permission. But when you are partnered with someone, and living with them, often times you can't avoid seeing private things. In my case, the lightbulb went off, when my XAGF handed me her laptop and it was in sleep mode. She handed it to me and had forgotten where she had left it. *Likely due to drinking*. Not knowing this, I simply woke it up, to see an e-mail being written to a fellow she was actively seeing behind my back. And I am completely and totally sure she would never want me to see this as it was essentially a love letter to him. One of many to several different men. From an e-mail address she had created that was not one I had ever written to her at. Of course this led to the discovery of a lot more and was the beginning of our undoing. I listened to the deflections, the accusations, the rage, the insults, for days.

All the while trying to take the focus off of her actions that caused it.

My point. No matter how hands off you are. They are going to do what they are going to do. Eventually you will learn of it. Either by the day they leave you, or the day you discover it. Using the disguise of "Privacy" just makes you an enabler to some extent. We, on the receiving end of this, will be damned either way. If we poke around, we are invading, and they simply take steps to hide it. If we don't we are enabling it to continue by virtue of just simply being naive.

I'm sorry if this all sounds new to you. For most of us this is the typical life with an AC. Trust me normal people have no reason to wonder what normal partners are up to when something is private. But none of these rules apply when AC or addictions are involved.

Spalding

Makes sense Hangn, I appreciate the extra explanation : )

gingerbread81

Hi there….First off I want to say I’m so sorry what you are going through and I understand because I am currently dealing with a similar situation myself. I was with him for almost 8 years. He is also an alcoholic and had so many women “friends” from the bar. I never knew them and never knew what he was really doing. Looking back, I am sure it was so obvious to other people that he was cheating (came to find out he was having sex with many of these girls) but I kept believing the things he was telling me….just like your husband, “I can’t live without you”, “I need you”, “I would never cheat on you”. I was confused. When I confronted him he turned it around on me and was basically heartless about it which made me even more confused (If he loves me how can he do this to me??). I would never treat anyone this way and I would never cheat or lie, so I guess I believed he would give me that same respect…I am still figuring out if I am just naive or scared to face reality or a combination of both. The thing is I always knew he was lying….why did I put up with it??

Now….you KNOW what’s going on. You KNOW what he is doing is unacceptable and you KNOW you are worth more than that. Being single sounds so much better than being lied to and manipulated so your husband can go out and party. I had to wake up and face my own reality and why I accepted so little from a partner and what was really going on. It has been a slow process for me….I have been separating myself from him for a couple years now and I feel I am finally able to stand up for myself and for what I want and need in my life. It is very hard to pull yourself out of a dysfunctional situation, but you can do it. It’s hard because we don’t want to believe that the man we love would lie to us and cheat on us. We all deserve to be happy in life and if your husband is happy partying and being around young girls…let him. These girls won’t be around to take care of him when he is old, but you can have a chance to find someone that will take care you or better yet, you can take care of yourself….

I wish you the best and I hope you do what is best for yourself…..