LemonGirl

Yuck! Sorry you are going through this! It is most definitely NOT okay what he is doing... And this part, where he claims the world to you? And the "HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?!"... THAT is only a way to get YOU to feel guilt for the bull HE is doing.
Umm... How do you not know how much? BECAUSE of how he carries on with these other women. Sounds to me like you and him have completely different ideas of how this marriage should be going.....

knowthetriggers

Pink...I saw the screen shots before they were removed and my heart sank for you. This last statement caught my eye. I am sure you have heard this before but beauty also comes from the inside. It is totally his loss.

Take care of you!

Slothy

Illiamy says it best...." unacceptable behavior is unacceptable!!!! My heart goes out to you. I have been done the same road! Disrespectful, disgusting, and so insensitive! Please know you Don't deserve to be treated that way!

WMJ1012

Pink peony
I only had to read the first paragraph of what you wrote to get to the solution. I have also been with someone who hid his phone from me.

I saw in my 4th step that I was with people I didn't trust.

pinkpeony

Well I asked him tonight why he was at that girls apt yesterday evening when he told me he had a side job to do and he didn't answer when I called.
He told me it was none of my business.
Alrighty then.
I told him I was making plans to leave as soon as I could. He told me "oh you're leaving sooner than you think. And your not taking (our 17yo daughter) or your dogs or anything from this house.
Okay, whatever. I'm going to bed, goodnight! (That was my response)

So tired of this nonsense.

lillamy

Time to contact a lawyer, babe. Most do the first consult for free.

dandylion

pinkpeony....He has been seriously misinformed.

HE does not get to decide how your life is going to go.

YOU DO!!

He h as n o authority over you.

dandylion

hopeful4

This. He is in for quite a shock. In my state, when you are 17 years old, you are considered a legal adult, and you can live wherever you want.

And, I am pretty sure no judge will just hand over everything to him LOL. Nope, life does not work that way. Stay calm and start getting your stuff in order, get out some cash and have it set aside that he knows nothing about.

XXX

GracieLou

The A-hole is doing exactly what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He has no respect for you or your marriage. He also has no respect for those other woman either and they must not have to much respect for themselves to be carrying on with a married man over text and Facebook, platonic or not, there it a line and all of them have crossed way over it.

There is such a thing as emotional infidelity and IMO he is guilty of that!

This BS about being more connected to woman is a crock! He is more connected cause a man would call him on that very BS. He gets attention and free drinks. It has nothing to do with his sisters!

It is time for you to decide what you want to do. Get a plan and carry it out.

NerdlyBeauty

I agree with all points already stated. But I have to wonder...how we he react if you had the same kind of relationships with other men? My AXBF used to do similar things, messaging other women, telling them how pretty they are, etc. But if I mentioned a guy friend, even gay ones, he would be all suspiscious, even though he constantly pushed me to have treesomes with other guys (I never relented, thank God) Yeah...I'm with the consensus of GTFO <3

CelticZebra

Actions speak louder than words.

He will continue to do what he wants, when he wants with no regard for anybody's feelings.
Sounds like typical addict behaviour & narcissistic

Don't tell him anything about you, your life or how you feel.
It will only be used against you.

Take yourself and your daughter away from this person who has already inflicted enough pain & misery on you and your life

Stay strong.
Believe in you
You CAN do it

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

Joe Nerv

My closest friends right now are younger single women. I started reading this thread defensively, and quickly changed my mind. IMO what your husband has going on is waaaaaaay out of line. The women in my life know my deal, know my wife, and would never cross those what to me and them are very clear lines. Sorry, but what your husband is doing would be unacceptable to me. That's not what trusting, loving relationships are built upon.

Jupiters

Your HUSBAND, would choose these "friendships" over your marriage and it's b/c YOU'RE being ridiculous.
oh my...oh my
pink. This is wrong on so many levels.
I am truly sorry you are struggling with this. You're husband is an arsewad. (sorry)

Jupiters

let those other "winners" have him. He's a real prize.
You can and will do better.
Get your ducks lined up pink, it's time for the next chapter for you
good luck.

CupofJoe

Just wanted to pipe in quickly. I'm a straight woman who has a number of straight male friends. All platonic. HOWEVER, I NEVER flirt with them; I treat them as I would my brothers and make sure that if they have a wife or a girlfriend that they know me and I make it clear by how I act and behave that I am no threat and that I befriend them as well to make it clear there is nothing untoward going on. I always speak kindly of their wives and girlfriends and ask about them as I would any of my friends. I would NEVER badmouth a male friend's significant other. Too risky of an area. You can usually tell by people's behavior what's really going on.

It is possible for men and women to be platonic friends, but that doesn't sound like that's what's happening. Trust your gut.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

And he shouldn't have to tell you he loves you--he should show you by his behavior.

Listen to your gut. I don't think you're crazy.

Hugs.

Kboys

I'm sorry Pink... that you are having to deal with this.

Seeing my AH's inappropriate texts to the woman he ended up cheating on me with was THE WORST.

Only you can decide what is acceptable to you, but this would definitely not be acceptable for me... whether or not he's actually having a physical relationship with any of them.

For me, the emotional betrayal is worse than the physical betrayal.... Knowing my AH talked to another woman about me, about our relationship and things that I thought were just between us, hurts more than knowing he had sex with her.

You are NOT crazy, or paranoid. I know how hard it is to want and NEED to believe what your husband is telling you, but just knowing that something seems off, and questioning yourself. When you're going through the chaos of living with an active A, it's hard to see things clearly.

Believe me... I put up with a lot too, and gave a lot of second chances following unacceptable behavior. Now that AH is not drinking and things are less chaotic, I've had some time to gain a little bit of clarity, and now I think WTF?? Why did I keep putting up with all that BS for as long as I did.

SO sorry. (((HUGS)))

NerdlyBeauty

Yeah...my AXBH has threatened me a few times about me introducing our 6 year old son to anyone I was dating. I had started a new relationship with a really nice guy I met online. AXBF got involved and messed the whole thing up, and he said something like "My son will NEVER live under another man's roof!" Or some bs like that. Needless to say, new guy ran for the hills.

YOU'RE the Mother, and your child is almost an adult (according to MA law, anyway)...so he really has no say in the matter. Sounds like you have a duck around quacking it up

FireSprite

Well, I think that says it all right there. You aren't being paranoid when he's actually doing those things. That's just called honesty.


Quack, quack, quack! He has no clue what he's talking about with regards to your daughter or possessions. Quack! He probably feels like King of the Mountain saying crap like that, bet his ego loves it.

And - none of your business? HA! What could be MORE of your business than your husband lying to you about his whereabouts? How does your daughter manage during all of this pink? I think I remember that she is only months away from graduation & ready to go off to college?

Have you read the Quackers thread yet? It might bring you some great comic relief today to read some of those posts & see how you aren't alone. ((((HUGS))))

atalose

And this is where the expression – alcoholics don’t have relationships – they take hostages – comes from.

This isn’t a negotiation thing or a who’s right or who’s wrong thing – this is your life, you’re mental, spiritual and physical wellbeing.

If you can’t see an exit for yourself right now then try and learn to detach from his behaviors and affairs. Don’t engage him in debates or conversations that will lead you into more despair.

A 17 year old daughter, is she still in high school and you need to wait until school is over before getting out? I know you said money, car and being self- sufficient needs to happen first THEN you can move on. But self- sufficiently can come out of necessity.

Eddiebuckle

Pink,

I am a 48 year old male recovering alcoholic. I did not see the screen shots mentioned above, but from your original post I would absolutely call BS on his version of what is happening. Even if it were entirely platonic, it is inflammatory and degrading to your marriage.

As a bare minimum, I would take this up with a marriage therapist. His (to be definitely generous, but likely naïve) "platonic banter" and the amount of time and circumstances under which he spends time with these women threaten your marriage and your emotional security. Is insecurity your side of the street? Absolutely - but an unbiased third party would be the best way to navigate this.

Assuming that you are prepared to go through with it, I would tell him that you intend to go to a marriage counselor because this situation is untenable and your marriage is on the line. If he chooses not to join you, that is a pretty blatant answer to what his priorities are. If your marriage is not a higher priority than his escapades, EVEN IF YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT THEM, you would be well served to consider an alternative. Your life and love are too precious to waste on someone unwilling to honor them.