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Frustrated and angry

Old 12-17-2014, 12:11 PM
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Frustrated and angry

Hi Everyone,
I am new here. My, what I believe is still a functioning AH, is not making changes even after placing the guilt of me and our kids on him for his nightly pattern of drinking and chewing tobacco. My kids ask me why does Daddy do this? I'm worried we wont have a daddy. How do I answer them? I am so sad about this. My Ah has a family history of alcoholism in his family and he refuses to see that drinking every night half a box to a box of wine is not normal. He promises to control it but honestly I don't think he can. He's edgy and nasty at times and never appears intoxicated. He never drives when drinking but is also very antisocial now. It has become a pattern over the years. I don't know what to do. The verbal abuse happens intermittently and he doesn't think he is being mean. How do you leave someone you love or do you stay for the kids? I am frustrated, angry and sad. Will life be better for everyone if we end our marriage? He doesn't think he has a problem. He refuses to go to AA . I have offered to go with him. He says he'll quit the tobacco again when he is ready. Do I wait it out? He is in control of the checkbook. Any help would be appreciated. I don't know what to do . He is aware the kids and I are worried and yet he continues to drink every night in front of me and them. Nothing changes.
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Old 12-17-2014, 12:32 PM
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Hi & welcome,

"Nothing changes," you said. Al-Anon has a saying, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." He's comfortable drinking at the level he's drinking; you're not comfortable with it. That is really all you need to know. Whether anyone else would be comfortable with it, whether he can be diagnosed as an alcoholic, whether the amount he's drinking warrants calling him one -- none of that matters.

What does matter is that you are unhappy with and confused by your life the way it is right now.

When I first came here, and to Al-Anon, I wanted to know how I could get my husband to stop drinking. I didn't like the answer I got, which was "you can't." He has to want to get sober. On his own, for himself.

What you can do is learn about alcoholism, and how it affects him, you, and your children. You're already living some of it:
The verbal abuse happens intermittently and he doesn't think he is being mean.
You don't have to know right now what to do with the rest of your life, but one question you could ask yourself is why you say you love a man who is verbally abusive to you? And who doesn't see that his words are harmful?

My life with an alcoholic went almost all the way down to hell. I got off the elevator to hell at the very last moment. He started out as a "functional alcoholic" (which is a stage of alcoholism, not a type -- meaning a functional alcoholic doesn't stay functional unless he gets sober). He's no longer functional in any way, shape, or form, and I'm no longer married to him. He ended up becoming abusive enough that he's court-ordered to stay away from his own children.

I stayed for a long time because I thought it was better for the kids to grow up in an intact family, even if it was dysfunctional. That was a bad decision in my case. They are suffering mental health consequences as the result of their father's abuse.

And I'm not saying "pack up and leave" -- I just want to tell my story to balance that innate "do I really have a right to take his children away from him?" instinct that most mothers have.

Here's what you have an absolute right to: Living your life without alcoholism in your everyday life. Protecting your children from the consequences of their father's alcoholism.

It doesn't sound like your husband has any wish to stop drinking. And there's nothing you can do to "make him" -- he's an adult, he will make his own decisions. But so are you. And if his drinking is affecting your life in a negative way, you have a right to say "I don't want to do this anymore."

I recommend Al-Anon to everyone -- because that program helped me figure out who I was, how my husband's alcoholism had changed me, and what I needed to do to build a healthy life for myself. That growth in me led to my decision to leave. Not everyone does. Al-Anon is good support regardless.

And everyone here has gone through some version of what you are describing. You're very much among friends here.
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Old 12-17-2014, 12:52 PM
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Since I basically second everything lillamy said above, I just want you to know I am here, reading this, supporting you.

I wish you a Warm Welcome to SR. I have found great support here and I hope you do too!
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Old 12-17-2014, 01:53 PM
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Welcome. I totally understand what you're going through. It is really hard to watch someone destroy themselves piece by piece on a daily basis. Even harder with kids involved.
You are all understandably concerned for him and his health, but as Amy said, he is an adult and this is how he is choosing to live at this time.
What you can do is leave him to his choices and take care of yourself. May I ask the ages of your kids? If they are tweens or teens then Alateen meetings might be a good option for them. If they are younger, Celebrate Recovery has programs for all ages. I attend Alanon myself, but I know several members here have had good experiences at Celebrate Recovery.
Just because he doesn't want to go to AA doesn't mean your whole family has to stay stuck revolving around his disease. I remember that awful dynamic where the drinker's moods and behavior are the center of the universe and everything else takes a backseat. It was a terrible way to live.
Big hugs to you. Keep reading and posting. We are here for you.
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Old 12-17-2014, 01:57 PM
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Welcome to SR--I've found a lot of help here and hope you do too. One of the first things I did when I was new here was to read, read, read. There's a ton of support and education to be had from this site. Make sure you don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either--this thread might be a good place for you to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

As others have said, you don't have to form a plan for the rest of your life right this second. Take some time to educate yourself about alcoholism and learn what you can and can't do about it. Finding support in the real world at a face-to-face Alanon meeting (or some like Celebrate Recovery) is also a great idea. SR and Alanon together have been a powerful force for my recovery, and I'd recommend giving it a try.

The more you learn, the more you'll come to realize that the focus belongs on you and your kids, and NOT on the A. I know that sounds nuts right now, but it's the truth. As time goes on, you'll start to see your path more clearly.

Keep coming back, keep reaching out for support. Everyone here gets it and will share their experience, strength and hope.
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Old 12-17-2014, 03:10 PM
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Thank you for all the responses. You gave me alot to think about. I was worried about being selfish for wanting out of this disease for me and my kids. I will check out a face to face meeting if I ever get time to go. Celebrate recovery sounds interesting. My kids are young. It's comforting to know others out there understand what I'm living with.
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Old 12-17-2014, 03:18 PM
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Welcome to SR.
There is a great amount of support here for you & some great advice given already.
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Old 12-17-2014, 06:31 PM
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Purses-
I am new here too; did my first post on Monday night. I have followed the advise of "read, read, read" and have spent many hours just reading the stories of others. My husband has been sober since September 29, although I don't know if he would be if he didn't almost die after routine knee replacement surgery. My RAH was more of a closet drinker, so I didn't know just how much he was drinking. While he was going through the DT's and was totally incoherent, I couldn't even tell the doctors what he drank, let alone how much and how often. I felt so stupid, but I know now that it was not my fault, that I wasn't responsible for what he was doing and that my situation was not unique.

I am still trying to figure this new life out and can't offer you much advice of my own right now, but I wanted to at least reach out to you as a newbie. Your story is much like many of the wonderful people that post on SR. Read, absorb and take what you want away from it. We will most likely make mistakes along the way, but find ways to find strength for yourself and your children.

One thing I think about now that I did not do is to try to stow away some money or open up a credit card in your name only in case you need a quick escape with the kids and need to go to a hotel, especially if the verbal abuse becomes more consistent or if you believe physical abuse is likely. Keep a Domestic Abuse hotline number in your purse.
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Old 12-17-2014, 07:39 PM
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ILP- Welcome, I am sorry that you are here, but you will learn so much from SR. You don't have to make any decisions on anything today. You need to educate, read, go to some alanon meetings or open aa meetings. You will find out what you can do for you and your children as they deserve one healthy parent.

There is a saying at alanon
If you leave him and he gets sober, good for you...
If you leave him and he doesnt get sober, good for you....

They also say not to make any decisions for 6 months to a year. Take your time, educate yourself and life will slowly get a little better for you and your kids.
((((((((hugs))))))))))
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