Unwanted/forced drunk relations
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
Although my situation may be different from yours, I strongly relate to what you wrote. I am completely turned off when my spouse gets amorous even after only a drink or two. What exactly is it/how could it be expressed in words, how we feel and why we feel it?
It goes deeper than what it might appear. Is it something about respect, on many levels? When I tell my husband no, when he's UTI, I feel guilty and very selfish, but I still feel so repulsed I can hardly agree to it. What is that? (I don't use sex to manipulate/punish.)
Something about it doesn't seem genuine/real and it seems like my integrity is at stake. I remain true to myself, but at great cost.
What is it I'm feeling or thinking? I'd like to find the specific words for it and have more clarity instead of second guessing myself and feeling bad for something I don't know how to express ... other than something in me wants nothing to do with him when he's inebriated. In my case, fortunately he honors my "no." I still feel responsible and as if I'm being mean to not comply.
Thank you for bringing up this topic.
It goes deeper than what it might appear. Is it something about respect, on many levels? When I tell my husband no, when he's UTI, I feel guilty and very selfish, but I still feel so repulsed I can hardly agree to it. What is that? (I don't use sex to manipulate/punish.)
Something about it doesn't seem genuine/real and it seems like my integrity is at stake. I remain true to myself, but at great cost.
What is it I'm feeling or thinking? I'd like to find the specific words for it and have more clarity instead of second guessing myself and feeling bad for something I don't know how to express ... other than something in me wants nothing to do with him when he's inebriated. In my case, fortunately he honors my "no." I still feel responsible and as if I'm being mean to not comply.
Thank you for bringing up this topic.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by Neagrm 
Although my situation may be different from yours, I strongly relate to what you wrote. I am completely turned off when my spouse gets amorous even after only a drink or two. What exactly is it/how could it be expressed in words, how we feel and why we feel it?
It goes deeper than what it might appear. Is it something about respect, on many levels? When I tell my husband no, when he's UTI, I feel guilty and very selfish, but I still feel so repulsed I can hardly agree to it. What is that? (I don't use sex to manipulate/punish.)
Something about it doesn't seem genuine/real and it seems like my integrity is at stake. I remain true to myself, but at great cost.
What is it I'm feeling or thinking? I'd like to find the specific words for it and have more clarity instead of second guessing myself and feeling bad for something I don't know how to express ... other than something in me wants nothing to do with him when he's inebriated. In my case, fortunately he honors my "no." I still feel responsible and as if I'm being mean to not comply.
Thank you for bringing up this topic.
It goes deeper than what it might appear. Is it something about respect, on many levels? When I tell my husband no, when he's UTI, I feel guilty and very selfish, but I still feel so repulsed I can hardly agree to it. What is that? (I don't use sex to manipulate/punish.)
Something about it doesn't seem genuine/real and it seems like my integrity is at stake. I remain true to myself, but at great cost.
What is it I'm feeling or thinking? I'd like to find the specific words for it and have more clarity instead of second guessing myself and feeling bad for something I don't know how to express ... other than something in me wants nothing to do with him when he's inebriated. In my case, fortunately he honors my "no." I still feel responsible and as if I'm being mean to not comply.
Thank you for bringing up this topic.
I hope I can forget it again.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I dont know why men seem to want it when they are drunk. They are clumsy and often dont function properly.
Very sorry it's happening to you, Katchie. No one deserves that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
My ex did try to rape me. I didn't say that before. I know I posted about it here maybe a year and a half ago. He was drunk for about 6 months. Wasn't talking to me for that long, I went to bed, he followed about 45 mins later, was putting his hands all over me. I told him "NO". It ended up with me in the ER, and him in jail. I was also officially arrested two days later for Domestic Violence because I bit him when he wouldn't let me go.
When the cops came after I called them they said to him, what were you trying to do?, rape your wife?
After the RO expired, he harassed me about me thinking he was a rapist, till I just gave up and agreed with him that he didn't try to rape me.
I didn't want to write this on your post because I felt it might have hijacked your post.
You brought up a very difficult subject to talk about, but I think people do need to talk about these things.
Thank you for bringing up a subject that people have such a hard time discussing.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
When the cops came after I called them they said to him, what were you trying to do?, rape your wife?
After the RO expired, he harassed me about me thinking he was a rapist, till I just gave up and agreed with him that he didn't try to rape me.
I didn't want to write this on your post because I felt it might have hijacked your post.
You brought up a very difficult subject to talk about, but I think people do need to talk about these things.
Thank you for bringing up a subject that people have such a hard time discussing.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Thanks Amy, I don't want anyone to worry they are hijacking my post. I truly want to know how people have handled this if it's happened to them. Even as I recognize that it happened to me, I still minimize it and wonder if I just imagined it or if Im make a big deal out of nothing or if I'm make it up. Its awful. He is sitting here perfectly sane and sober enjoying watching tv with me before bedtime. He's been decent this week. I don't like thinking this about my husband but then I don't like thinking a lot of the things I do about him. It isn't right.
Do you ever feel like the good advice you give is good for everyone else but not for you?? With what you husband did it's WAY worse than what mine has done to me...should ever put up with that ever. hugs amy
Do you ever feel like the good advice you give is good for everyone else but not for you?? With what you husband did it's WAY worse than what mine has done to me...should ever put up with that ever. hugs amy
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Katchie,
In a way I didn't want to post that, because I don't ever want people to compare situations. It's just awful and horrible. It makes my skin crawl to realize that I married someone who did not respect me or my body. Then to have this person deny or minimize what they did, and that it was nothing, and you should just get over it, and if you can't then what is wrong with you? You really start to deny your own experiences.
When I reply to people I try to base things on my experience. It helps me a lot doing this, because I think I was in denial about a lot of things, then when I write things out I hope that it helps someone else, but at the same time, it helps me because I am no longer denying, or minimizing. I really am at peace with most things in my life now because of talking through things like this on forums. It gives me validation, and hopefully the other person validation.
In a way I didn't want to post that, because I don't ever want people to compare situations. It's just awful and horrible. It makes my skin crawl to realize that I married someone who did not respect me or my body. Then to have this person deny or minimize what they did, and that it was nothing, and you should just get over it, and if you can't then what is wrong with you? You really start to deny your own experiences.
When I reply to people I try to base things on my experience. It helps me a lot doing this, because I think I was in denial about a lot of things, then when I write things out I hope that it helps someone else, but at the same time, it helps me because I am no longer denying, or minimizing. I really am at peace with most things in my life now because of talking through things like this on forums. It gives me validation, and hopefully the other person validation.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I've been pressured by emotionally abusive partners and did the pity sex thing. Five minutes of nothing for me and then days of self-loathing afterwards. I did it to avoid rape, but I honestly don't know which is worse. My actual rape came at an early age when I didn't know what was happening. I'm so sorry this memory came back again. It's never easy to deal with.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Katchie,
I told you what I did because for so long I felt that what happened to me that night, was because of me. I blamed myself. I bit him. Always felt like if I didn't bite him, I wouldn't have been in the ER, wouldn't have had a black eye for the entire summer, and wouldn't still have an indentation in my skull.
He did try to rape me that night. He didn't think it was rape, he was only just groping me after I went to sleep. I woke up, told him to get his hands off of me, he kept doing it, told him again in not so nice language. He got off of me. He was mocking me and laughing at me. See, I attacked him. I wanted to slap him smug disgusting face. He grabbed my arms while I was trying to slap him. He wouldn't let me go. I remembered the week before when he threw me to the kitchen floor, and held my arms above me in the same way that he was doing then. He lifted my shirt, and said he wanted to bite my stomach. I remembered all of that.
So when he held my arms this time and I couldn't get loose, I bit him, so he would let me go. He punched me in the forehead. I have always blamed myself for that.
Sex is supposed to be the most intimate thing that you have with someone. You have sex because you want to. Not because of intimidation or fear. Not because you just want to keep the calmness in your house. It's supposed to be something that is really special between 2 people. Once that trust is broken, I don't know how it can be repaired. Sometimes I think I could have dealt better with it if he took ownership of it. That wasn't going to happen..
He once said to me, "What is worse? verbal abuse (he was talking about what he did to me), or not having sex (he was talking about what he wasn't getting). How can you even answer a question like that? I told him that perhaps if he wasn't abusive, then perhaps I would want to have sex with him. He couldn't understand that at all !!!!!
Any sexual abuse is horrible. Thing is, what I first posted just about the intimidation is what affected me the most. Not this. What I talked about first is what most woman who are being sexually abused go through. You actually become afraid to have sex.
amy
I told you what I did because for so long I felt that what happened to me that night, was because of me. I blamed myself. I bit him. Always felt like if I didn't bite him, I wouldn't have been in the ER, wouldn't have had a black eye for the entire summer, and wouldn't still have an indentation in my skull.
He did try to rape me that night. He didn't think it was rape, he was only just groping me after I went to sleep. I woke up, told him to get his hands off of me, he kept doing it, told him again in not so nice language. He got off of me. He was mocking me and laughing at me. See, I attacked him. I wanted to slap him smug disgusting face. He grabbed my arms while I was trying to slap him. He wouldn't let me go. I remembered the week before when he threw me to the kitchen floor, and held my arms above me in the same way that he was doing then. He lifted my shirt, and said he wanted to bite my stomach. I remembered all of that.
So when he held my arms this time and I couldn't get loose, I bit him, so he would let me go. He punched me in the forehead. I have always blamed myself for that.
Sex is supposed to be the most intimate thing that you have with someone. You have sex because you want to. Not because of intimidation or fear. Not because you just want to keep the calmness in your house. It's supposed to be something that is really special between 2 people. Once that trust is broken, I don't know how it can be repaired. Sometimes I think I could have dealt better with it if he took ownership of it. That wasn't going to happen..
He once said to me, "What is worse? verbal abuse (he was talking about what he did to me), or not having sex (he was talking about what he wasn't getting). How can you even answer a question like that? I told him that perhaps if he wasn't abusive, then perhaps I would want to have sex with him. He couldn't understand that at all !!!!!
Any sexual abuse is horrible. Thing is, what I first posted just about the intimidation is what affected me the most. Not this. What I talked about first is what most woman who are being sexually abused go through. You actually become afraid to have sex.
amy
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by 53500
That's for d**n sure! Been there, done that, it was long ago but boy do I remember how gross it was! I gave in because it was easier than trying to get away from a drunk who outweighed me by 70 lbs. And sometimes I got lucky and he passed out before doing much of anything. Blech.
Very sorry it's happening to you, Katchie. No one deserves that.
Very sorry it's happening to you, Katchie. No one deserves that.
In some ways there are not so many differences between the sexes. Men can feel rejected and sensitive towards sex just as women can when it is being denied them. After a few drinks inhibitions will fall and when drunk maybe the guy is pushing against what be a closed door otherwise. I am certainly not condoning this but I can understand it. The woman should feel perfectly comfortable in saying no of course if thats how she feels.
Regarding the "I drink because we don't sleep together anymore" excuse, well that BS as others have rightly said. Maybe its better put as "I drink because I am not happy in this relationship" or even better "I drink because I am an alcoholic".
Before anyone jumps down my throat saying the only reason he drinks is because he is an alcoholic let me just say that I know plenty of guys who are down the pub most nights having one or two beers and sipping them because they don't want to go home to their wife for one reason or another.
All too often sex becomes a battleground with one party withholding it and the other using it to exert dominance or seek control. And drinking helps to bring those emotions to the front in a somewhat unseemly manner.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
ubntubnt,
This is a very sensitive subject, and not the right thread for a debate about sex in alcoholic relationships (or other relationships) in general. People are opening their hearts about actual victimization here--some of which they have never revealed to anyone.
Most threads can tolerate a bit of back-and-forth debate. I think it's a little inappropriate here.
I'm not suggesting that you are defending rape or forced sex, just that this thread, more than most, needs to stay ON topic.
This is a very sensitive subject, and not the right thread for a debate about sex in alcoholic relationships (or other relationships) in general. People are opening their hearts about actual victimization here--some of which they have never revealed to anyone.
Most threads can tolerate a bit of back-and-forth debate. I think it's a little inappropriate here.
I'm not suggesting that you are defending rape or forced sex, just that this thread, more than most, needs to stay ON topic.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
This is a keeper:
And the first step is acknowledging to yourself that it happened. Another step is allowing yourself to feel that it was not your fault, and that you in that time did what you were able to do to protect yourself.
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Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by readerbaby71
Katchie, I am so sorry that happened to you. Do you think you may be at a point where you can discuss it with a therapist? I hope you find healing and peace. Much love to you. xo
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Thread Starter
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Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by LexieCat
ubntubnt,
This is a very sensitive subject, and not the right thread for a debate about sex in alcoholic relationships (or other relationships) in general. People are opening their hearts about actual victimization here--some of which they have never revealed to anyone.
Most threads can tolerate a bit of back-and-forth debate. I think it's a little inappropriate here.
I'm not suggesting that you are defending rape or forced sex, just that this thread, more than most, needs to stay ON topic.
This is a very sensitive subject, and not the right thread for a debate about sex in alcoholic relationships (or other relationships) in general. People are opening their hearts about actual victimization here--some of which they have never revealed to anyone.
Most threads can tolerate a bit of back-and-forth debate. I think it's a little inappropriate here.
I'm not suggesting that you are defending rape or forced sex, just that this thread, more than most, needs to stay ON topic.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
What if your partner, husband, wife,
friend or aquaintanence uses porn,
explicit picture, books, or internet
instead of alcohol to violate you or
your space?
A significant other paws, gropes, etc.
to get himself, herself sexually satisfied?
During my drinking career I used
sex to get men. I learned by watching
attractive women use their looks and
behaviors to attract the men they wanted
and thus I used that knowledge to my
own sick advantage.
When I got into recovery, no I didn't
become a holier than thou, but I did
place a healthier value on myself to
remain sober. And living a sober life
in recovery meant my thinking and
behavior became healthier.
However, being in recovery didn't
change for my spouse. I could talk,
explain till I was blue in the face, so
sick and tired of trying to make my
point that I myself was changing in
recovery and had healthier values
and that I didn't need to use sex to
get what I needed or wanted.
After 25 yrs. I moved out and on
as I continue on my recovery journey
living a healthy, happy, honest life
all to the best of my ability.
Marriage is to be shared with understanding,
communication, respect for each other. When
doing so we can travel together in a more
spiritual union, balance, sober partnership
for yrs. to come.
No violation, pawing, groping in this new
recovery marriage moving along strong
and healthy for 5 yrs now.
friend or aquaintanence uses porn,
explicit picture, books, or internet
instead of alcohol to violate you or
your space?
A significant other paws, gropes, etc.
to get himself, herself sexually satisfied?
During my drinking career I used
sex to get men. I learned by watching
attractive women use their looks and
behaviors to attract the men they wanted
and thus I used that knowledge to my
own sick advantage.
When I got into recovery, no I didn't
become a holier than thou, but I did
place a healthier value on myself to
remain sober. And living a sober life
in recovery meant my thinking and
behavior became healthier.
However, being in recovery didn't
change for my spouse. I could talk,
explain till I was blue in the face, so
sick and tired of trying to make my
point that I myself was changing in
recovery and had healthier values
and that I didn't need to use sex to
get what I needed or wanted.
After 25 yrs. I moved out and on
as I continue on my recovery journey
living a healthy, happy, honest life
all to the best of my ability.
Marriage is to be shared with understanding,
communication, respect for each other. When
doing so we can travel together in a more
spiritual union, balance, sober partnership
for yrs. to come.
No violation, pawing, groping in this new
recovery marriage moving along strong
and healthy for 5 yrs now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by Katchie
I am seeing a new therapist today. I don't know if I can verbally tell her this or not. I've never shared it before this thread and the 2nd occurrence happened almost 2 years ago. Typing it is still different than saying it out of my mouth tho. typing it has been helpful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by Katchie
Thank you for that because I don't have anything this nice to say back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Neagrm
Although my situation may be different from yours, I strongly relate to what you wrote. I am completely turned off when my spouse gets amorous even after only a drink or two. What exactly is it/how could it be expressed in words, how we feel and why we feel it?
It goes deeper than what it might appear. Is it something about respect, on many levels? When I tell my husband no, when he's UTI, I feel guilty and very selfish, but I still feel so repulsed I can hardly agree to it. What is that? (I don't use sex to manipulate/punish.)
Something about it doesn't seem genuine/real and it seems like my integrity is at stake. I remain true to myself, but at great cost.
What is it I'm feeling or thinking? I'd like to find the specific words for it and have more clarity instead of second guessing myself and feeling bad for something I don't know how to express ... other than something in me wants nothing to do with him when he's inebriated. In my case, fortunately he honors my "no." I still feel responsible and as if I'm being mean to not comply.
Thank you for bringing up this topic.
It goes deeper than what it might appear. Is it something about respect, on many levels? When I tell my husband no, when he's UTI, I feel guilty and very selfish, but I still feel so repulsed I can hardly agree to it. What is that? (I don't use sex to manipulate/punish.)
Something about it doesn't seem genuine/real and it seems like my integrity is at stake. I remain true to myself, but at great cost.
What is it I'm feeling or thinking? I'd like to find the specific words for it and have more clarity instead of second guessing myself and feeling bad for something I don't know how to express ... other than something in me wants nothing to do with him when he's inebriated. In my case, fortunately he honors my "no." I still feel responsible and as if I'm being mean to not comply.
Thank you for bringing up this topic.
Until the "ENRAGED" call came the day she shows up with an STD. Blaming me for it of course. The reality was she had no clue which guy she got with that gave it to her. And now had to make me the source to cover up her deeds. Which made my repulsion grow even deeper.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
I too had the midnight grope when he was drinking. With my therapist support I established the boundary that alcohol is not welcome in our bedroom, so if he's drinking he sleeps upstairs. Getting used to sleeping alone now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Santa
This was a huge issue for me during my marriage. My XAH wanted what he wanted regardless of the hour or what I had to do in the morning or whether I felt like making love with a drunk. (No.) If I said said yes to keep the peace it took all night and not in a good way. If I said no he became incensed and would stomp around slamming doors and waking up the kids. God I hate him when I think about those nights.
I love your username! I heard a story about the real St. Nicholas that is most amusing. He asked where a certain heretic was at the council of Nicaea and went and punched the guy...Happy holidays!
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