Katchie

Unfortunately, sleeping apart doesn't always stop the A from trying anyway. Stay safe. I have recently read other women that have done the same only to be assaulted anyway. It is still hard to believe we are talking about our "trusted" partners.

Hangnbyathread

This also enraged my AGF. Her being left alone when she was drinking. So she had about 5 close drinking buddies (men) on speed dial to prevent this. If they weren't available, she'd go to a bar. When it came to light, I couldn't sleep with her again. It physically made me ill.

Hawkeye13

Because of my growing up and being "talked at" by my drunk alcoholic mother when I would try and sleep or get away from her, the smell and proximity of a drunk person, not to mention the crap they say, really really triggers me.

When my husband is drunk, sometimes one "thread" he may follow is the poor me I never get sex / intimacy and my life sucks. I find it so upsetting and I don't want him near me, but in the past sometimes I have gone along to try and keep the peace. I hate that I did that.

Sober, he would never ever push like that and to be fair I really don't think he has a clue how upsetting I find it.

I really relate to what you are saying here Katchie and others.

Thank you for posting this

Bullfrog

I used to hate the smell of the alcohol seeping out of his pores in bed. It still makes me ill to think about.

My XAH was the only person I've ever had sex with, but I always felt like an object-- especially so when he was drinking. I've only recently realized that I have pretty much zero pleasant memories of our sex life. I probably need therapy about this issue.

redatlanta

I have not had this situation just wanted to send out (((hugs))) to those who have this is terrible.

lillamy

And that is completely normal in these circumstances. You will say "well, I didn't hit him and scream so how can I blame him?" You will say "well, it wasn't as bad as a stranger raping you in an alley downtown." You will try to talk yourself out of the feelings of having been violated, because there's a disconnect in your brain as you sit there and look at this man that you're still sharing a home with. He doesn't fit. And you feel like maybe you're diminishing the pain of the women who were raped by a stranger in the alley if you acknowledge your own pain.

I want you to know that your feelings are valid. You trying to minimize it is normal, and a way to survive. I found that actually talking to a therapist about it, and getting the validation that this is not acceptable behavior from a person who claims to love you and that you have a right to feel deep pain was really helpful to me.

theuncertainty

No, asking him to sleep elsewhere doesn't always help. I had thought that it would, but it didn't. I would wake up in a panic because I'd hear him stumble back down the hallway late, late at night.

During our divorce, I'd tried to get a restraining order against him and had cited the rapes as one reason I was afraid of him, so it was discussed during our divorce and custody hearings. AXH admitted that he'd sleep on the couch, but according to him, it was because "back then, tensions were high." Then when asked directly about what the judge euphemized as "unwanted advances", AXH said angrily, "The ONE time I did that. Then I realized how much it hurt her. So I stopped. I backed way off. I basically slept on the couch the last few years of our marriage. But I never... it takes two." So he admitted to one then denied it all, all in the same answer.

How did I deal with it?... A lot of not healthy ways at first... While I was with him: I tried to hide. I locked the door, which resulted in gaping holes in the door. I remember wishing that I could become catatonic. I dissociated - I hid "me". I lost "me". I locked what he did behind doors in my mind and I forgot.

I left him. And it bled through - it seeped through the cracks in those doors in my mind. And I remembered. And I wanted to die all over again. I'd do things to hurt myself because that took my mind off the hurt behind those doors. I hid what I was doing fairly well, but my sister still saw me struggle and she told me to get help, to see a therapist and/or psychiatrist about whatever it was, or she'd find a way to have me involuntarily committed, even if temporarily, because she loved me and it hurt her to see me like that. She told me that DS needed me and he needed me whole. So I finally got help and slowly started talking about some of what he did. I no longer need to hurt myself. I've been able to push that need away when it does come forward.

I journal a lot now: writing and art. I still haven't gone through everything. I don't know when I'll be strong enough to look behind all of those doors, so I take it one at a time, as the memories and hurt start leaking around the edges of a door.

LivingLife4Me

When my husband's drinking was very bad 3 years ago, I was not allowed to go to sleep until I gave in to his demands. The absolute worst was 2 days that I had stomach flu and all night visits to the bathroom. The next day it became my monthly time. He insisted. I said repeatedly NO. I was screaming and crying and hitting him to get him to stop sodomizing me. It has been over 3 years that happened. I told several people what had happened, but I should have called the police instead. I don't even think he even remembers what he did. He has never done that to me since. I will never be able to forgive him for what he did to me that terrible night. Ever.

Sue

amy55

theuncertainty, thank you so much for sharing. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you. i know what you talk about when you talk about the "doors". I call mine "boxes". I keep them hidden till I feel I can deal with it.

When I replied here, it was like I took a "box" that I didn't want to look at, and I just left it here for now. It was a relief for me to leave it here. I hope you felt the same.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
amy

amy55

Sue, I'm so sorry. What he did to you was horrible.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

hopeful4

My heart just cracks reading these threads. Love you all.

XXX

Katchie

theuncertainty, LivingLife4Me and Amy,

OMG, my heart and eyes cry for your stories and your bravery sharing them. I pray that sharing helps you and anyone else who has suffered such things heal a little more. Huge (((hugs))) to all of you. We live in such a lost world -- bless all of you. I apologize if I've opened any wounds not ready to be opened. I'm not sure mine were 100% ready to be revisited but here it is.

LexieCat

My hugs and love and support to all of you, as well. I think that talking about it, in a safe place like this, is healing. At least I hope it is.

LivingLife4Me

Katchie,

Talking about it is better than not talking about it. It's not like we forget what happened. I do talk about it in a DV support group when the topic comes up. The support group helps me considerably.

They say time heals all wounds, but some days I just don't know about this one.

Sue

amy55

Katchie,

I don't think any of us would have replied if we weren't ready to talk about it. To get it out of our system. To actually name the elephant that was in the room. I really do thank you for this thread.

I was never able to really get that out because it's things that you don't talk about. I think your thread brought an awakening to this.

I can let this go now, I have kept it in a "box" in my head for too long. I may have to revisit that box at some other time, if I ever decide to get into a relationship like that, but for now, it's closed.

I have something else I need to get rid of.

Might be TMI for some.

I had cervical cancer. The radiation shrunk my cervix. I'm not even sure if I can have sex. I have used a dilator but still not sure. My ex was relentless attacking me about that. He told me that I couldn't have sex then I wasn't even a person. He told me I was sexless. With the breast cancer, I had a lumpectomy. He was pissed at me for not getting a boob job after that. He once brought up breast cancer and someone have both removed because they were at risk, I told him that I would do the same thing, esp since I did have breast cancer. He never let up on that either. Told me that I would look like a disgusting boy.

OK, glad I got that out (lol)

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

Missus

Thank you all for this thread

LivingLife4Me

Amy,

Have you discussed with your doctor if you are able to have sex?

When you think you've heard it all, someone renders you speechless. So glad he's your ex. I can't imagine what horrible pain he caused you by saying that.

And fortunately for you, you can really weed out the a$@holes if you let them know up front about your medical conditions. As painful as it may be to not have a physically intimate relationship, so far better than having one with no emotional intimacy and abuse, as you well know.

Love Amy for AMY, and not Amy's Body Parts.
Sue

LeeJane

I also thank everyone for their courageous shares in this thread. I am at the starting place of looking at my wounds. The sharing here has helped me a lot.

Hugs to all, so sorry to hear of the suffering.

amy55

Don't need to discuss it with a Doctor. If I am able to have actual sex with penetration, it will hurt a lot. Hey, I'm tighter then a virgin right now. (lol)

I can still be sexually intimate if I so desire.

I'm OK with all of this.

In a way, since we are talking about sex, abuse, rape... I wanted others to know that sexual abuse can also be verbal.

He said and did so many more things, then attempted rape, that affected me more.

I think sometimes just the pure denial or the minimization from them regarding this might be just as harmful as the actual act of rape.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Eauchiche

All that you folks are describing sure is an odd spin on "love" making.
My separated mate is always playing this card too, saying I chose being "straight" over him.
I also understand why so many of us go NC from our mates.