Unwanted/forced drunk relations
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Katchie 
This has been weighing on my mind and wondered how many of you have had unwanted advances and/or forced relations with your spouse while they were in a drunken state? Did they even realize they had done this to you the morning after? How did/have you handled that long term? Sometimes coming out of denial can be a long process and all sorts of memories come flooding back.
One of the first things I noticed changing about my xAH was that sober or not he began to act in a way that reflected someone with a serious conscience issue (as in his was lost).
He minimized the many times he tried to force himself on me, the outright assaulting of me and the rapes.
But it doesnt change the fact that that is precisely what he did.
If this is happening to you, know youre not alone, its not ok, its not due to alcohol etc...
It is not okay and you have a right to be free of it.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by lillamy
And that is completely normal in these circumstances. You will say "well, I didn't hit him and scream so how can I blame him?" You will say "well, it wasn't as bad as a stranger raping you in an alley downtown." You will try to talk yourself out of the feelings of having been violated, because there's a disconnect in your brain as you sit there and look at this man that you're still sharing a home with. He doesn't fit. And you feel like maybe you're diminishing the pain of the women who were raped by a stranger in the alley if you acknowledge your own pain.
I want you to know that your feelings are valid. You trying to minimize it is normal, and a way to survive. I found that actually talking to a therapist about it, and getting the validation that this is not acceptable behavior from a person who claims to love you and that you have a right to feel deep pain was really helpful to me.
I want you to know that your feelings are valid. You trying to minimize it is normal, and a way to survive. I found that actually talking to a therapist about it, and getting the validation that this is not acceptable behavior from a person who claims to love you and that you have a right to feel deep pain was really helpful to me.
Anyway, a few years ago my AH said the words to me that pretty much put the nail in the coffin of our marriage and looking back I now can see why. He said, "Every time we've had sex in the last 20 years, I feel like you're going to call me a rapist. You're a victim of rape and therefore think that every sexual encounter is rape, even with me. I have it all planned out on how you'll wake up in the AM and call the police and tell them how I forced myself on you......."
And, that was it for me. It took him 8 weeks to apologize for it even after I asked him the following week if he really meant what he said, and he did. At this point it doesn't even matter if he meant it or not. You don't take one of someone's most painful memories and use it against them to make yourself feel better or to justify your own perceived hurts. If he was capable of saying these things, what else was he thinking that he wasn't saying? Just not worth the pain anymore.
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