Husband Wants To Drink On Upcoming Cruise
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Originally Posted by Refiner 
Of course he wants to drink. He won't be able to smoke 24/7 and he has to be high to live his life (how sad). I'm not sure where you live, but I'd have him head to CO or WA and get edibles so he gets his fix from something other than alcohol.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I was going to say the same thing as Santa - but I also don't think that he's really given you ANY indication that he intends to quit drinking forever so I think this is a conversation you may be having over & over again. I expect you'll be negotiating this again much sooner than March because he's laying the groundwork for relapse before actually getting fully sober.
With merely 2 weeks sans alcohol & his ongoing weed issue there's nothing to base any expectations on except for past behaviors. You say, "he was belligerent on past trips but nothing too bad" & I can't help but think, that's NOT a "normal" reaction. "Not too belligerent" is not at all the same as "Decent" or "Kind".
I think YOUR recovery needs to be top priority right now & I hope it helps provide you with some perspective about all of this.
With merely 2 weeks sans alcohol & his ongoing weed issue there's nothing to base any expectations on except for past behaviors. You say, "he was belligerent on past trips but nothing too bad" & I can't help but think, that's NOT a "normal" reaction. "Not too belligerent" is not at all the same as "Decent" or "Kind".
I think YOUR recovery needs to be top priority right now & I hope it helps provide you with some perspective about all of this.
He is now putting up a boundary that says he will abstain from drinking except on his annual vacation. I could challenge this boundary in some ways but am choosing not to because I think that would be controlling him too much and he could become resentful. So, at this time, I am choosing to allow this boundary of his, as long as he returns to my boundary when we return home.
I know that if I was to tell him I don't want to go if he drinks, he most likely would not drink. But I am choosing not to go this route because my gut feeling tells me not to.
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Originally Posted by Redheadsusie
I spent one too many vacations with now separated AH including a cruise where he drank drank drank and got ugly. The cruise really sucked because you are stuck on the boat - you can't get off if he pisses you off . I would think long and hard about that one. I wish you the best!
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Originally Posted by amy55
Hi,
I just think you know bad things might be coming. Just remember that we love you here.
amy
I just think you know bad things might be coming. Just remember that we love you here.
amy
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Originally Posted by amy55
My ex liked to spend a lot of money on his family, not so much mine, but I had to because my family was so much into spending.
My ex was trying to prove to his family that he was so much better then them financially. He always wanted to impress them.
Don't know why I still go back to where I was when I talk to you. Perhaps because it reminds me so much of me.
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
amy
My ex was trying to prove to his family that he was so much better then them financially. He always wanted to impress them.
Don't know why I still go back to where I was when I talk to you. Perhaps because it reminds me so much of me.
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
amy
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Justbreathe, what do you want to hear from the members on the board? It seems you are more concerned with your husband's expectations of this holiday and how he would expect it to play out than you are about your own safety and enjoyment of the holiday.
Personally I do agree with holidaying together and not separately but thats only on the basis that you enjoy the trip and that you are happy and safe. Otherwise what the point of a holiday? You might as well stay home and be safe.
I think it is clear to most if not everyone here that it is a huge warning sign that he is planning to drink on this trip. If he is dropping the booze then let him drop it and enjoy the holiday with you as a sober and happy couple. If he insists to drink then get another room and let him pay for it. That way he has a choice and its a reasonable request on your part. If he insists to drink and not to get another room then don't go. these boundaries are clear, they will protect you to some extent and he can choose what he wants to do. What he CANNOT do is have it all his own way, stress you out for 3+ months and risk your personal safety.
Personally I do agree with holidaying together and not separately but thats only on the basis that you enjoy the trip and that you are happy and safe. Otherwise what the point of a holiday? You might as well stay home and be safe.
I think it is clear to most if not everyone here that it is a huge warning sign that he is planning to drink on this trip. If he is dropping the booze then let him drop it and enjoy the holiday with you as a sober and happy couple. If he insists to drink then get another room and let him pay for it. That way he has a choice and its a reasonable request on your part. If he insists to drink and not to get another room then don't go. these boundaries are clear, they will protect you to some extent and he can choose what he wants to do. What he CANNOT do is have it all his own way, stress you out for 3+ months and risk your personal safety.
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Originally Posted by ubntubnt
Justbreathe, what do you want to hear from the members on the board? It seems you are more concerned with your husband's expectations of this holiday and how he would expect it to play out than you are about your own safety and enjoyment of the holiday.
Personally I do agree with holidaying together and not separately but thats only on the basis that you enjoy the trip and that you are happy and safe. Otherwise what the point of a holiday? You might as well stay home and be safe.
I think it is clear to most of not everyone here that it is a huge warning sign that he is planning to drink on this trip. If he is dropping the booze then let him drop it and enjoy the holiday with you as a couple. If he insists to drink then get another room and let him pay for it. That way he has a choice and its a reasonable request on your part. If he insists to drink and not to get another room then don't go. these boundaries are clear, they will protect you to some extent and he can choose what he wants to do. What he CANNOT do is have it all his own way, stress you out for 3+ months and risk your personal safety.
Personally I do agree with holidaying together and not separately but thats only on the basis that you enjoy the trip and that you are happy and safe. Otherwise what the point of a holiday? You might as well stay home and be safe.
I think it is clear to most of not everyone here that it is a huge warning sign that he is planning to drink on this trip. If he is dropping the booze then let him drop it and enjoy the holiday with you as a couple. If he insists to drink then get another room and let him pay for it. That way he has a choice and its a reasonable request on your part. If he insists to drink and not to get another room then don't go. these boundaries are clear, they will protect you to some extent and he can choose what he wants to do. What he CANNOT do is have it all his own way, stress you out for 3+ months and risk your personal safety.
I had fun with my husband last year on our cruise, and I believe I can have a fun time with him this year as well. I just talked to him, and I asked him if he is being honest with me about returning to a no drinking policy when we get home, and he promised. I personally don't think I will be unsafe on this cruise, but I do believe I will be unsafe if I allowed him to continue drinking daily at our apartment where life is NOT a vacation, and we have problems and stressors that come up.
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hi again, I just took a few minutes to read back through some of your older posts to learn a little more about you. Sorry to hear about your ongoing struggles with your husband, it sure isn't easy with kids to look after.
You seem to really beat yourself up worrying about everything that is going on and while your husband does seem to acknowledge that he has an alcohol abuse problem it kind of seems that he is not properly grasping the extent of the actions, sacrifices and commitments he will need to make to get his life and marriage back where they need to be.
I can understand both sides, I spent the best part of 20 years realising I had a problem but constantly talking myself into continuing to drink, talking myself around to the opinion that my drinking was controllable or that I was one of the few that could live life on the knife edge as a heavy drinker without being an alcoholic. Of course that was just my AV talking and it was all nonsense. I was an alcoholic with a progressive problem all along. I have had to substantially change the way I live my life these past weeks and also change the way I look at things like drinking, my relationships with my family and friends and all sorts of things to be able to stay sober. I can also tell you with 100% certainty that I will not be able to maintain this control unless I never, ever drink again. You have read all the posts about alcoholics having horrendous relapses....thats potentially where your husband is headed in March.
I can only help you in any way by sharing my experiences and I believe that if your husband is serious about you, his family and his sobriety then he will NEVER drink again. The tools he uses to ensure this are up to him, AA, AVRT or whatever....whatever works. But to be clear if you want the happiness you crave and if you want to stop this hell that you are living in then he needs to get off the beer and stay off the beer. No exceptions. If he cannot commit to this then don't expect anything other than for your nightmare to continue. This is the unfortunate voice of experience talking to you. Good luck to you JB, you seem like a lovely woman.
You seem to really beat yourself up worrying about everything that is going on and while your husband does seem to acknowledge that he has an alcohol abuse problem it kind of seems that he is not properly grasping the extent of the actions, sacrifices and commitments he will need to make to get his life and marriage back where they need to be.
I can understand both sides, I spent the best part of 20 years realising I had a problem but constantly talking myself into continuing to drink, talking myself around to the opinion that my drinking was controllable or that I was one of the few that could live life on the knife edge as a heavy drinker without being an alcoholic. Of course that was just my AV talking and it was all nonsense. I was an alcoholic with a progressive problem all along. I have had to substantially change the way I live my life these past weeks and also change the way I look at things like drinking, my relationships with my family and friends and all sorts of things to be able to stay sober. I can also tell you with 100% certainty that I will not be able to maintain this control unless I never, ever drink again. You have read all the posts about alcoholics having horrendous relapses....thats potentially where your husband is headed in March.
I can only help you in any way by sharing my experiences and I believe that if your husband is serious about you, his family and his sobriety then he will NEVER drink again. The tools he uses to ensure this are up to him, AA, AVRT or whatever....whatever works. But to be clear if you want the happiness you crave and if you want to stop this hell that you are living in then he needs to get off the beer and stay off the beer. No exceptions. If he cannot commit to this then don't expect anything other than for your nightmare to continue. This is the unfortunate voice of experience talking to you. Good luck to you JB, you seem like a lovely woman.
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Originally Posted by ubntubnt
hi again, I just took a few minutes to read back through some of your older posts to learn a little more about you. Sorry to hear about your ongoing struggles with your husband, it sure isn't easy with kids to look after.
You seem to really beat yourself up worrying about everything that is going on and while your husband does seem to acknowledge that he has an alcohol abuse problem it kind of seems that he is not properly grasping the extent of the actions, sacrifices and commitments he will need to make to get his life and marriage back where they need to be.
I can understand both sides, I spent the best part of 20 years realising I had a problem but constantly talking myself into continuing to drink, talking myself around to the opinion that my drinking was controllable or that I was one of the few that could live life on the knife edge as a heavy drinker without being an alcoholic. Of course that was just my AV talking and it was all nonsense. I was an alcoholic with a progressive problem all along. I have had to substantially change the way I live my life these past weeks and also change the way I look at things like drinking, my relationships with my family and friends and all sorts of things to be able to stay sober. I can also tell you with 100% certainty that I will not be able to maintain this control unless I never, ever drink again. You have read all the posts about alcoholics having horrendous relapses....thats potentially where your husband is headed in March.
I can only help you in any way by sharing my experiences and I believe that if your husband is serious about you, his family and his sobriety then he will NEVER drink again. The tools he uses to ensure this are up to him, AA, AVRT or whatever....whatever works. But to be clear if you want the happiness you crave and if you want to stop this hell that you are living in then he needs to get off the beer and stay off the beer. No exceptions. If he cannot commit to this then don't expect anything other than for your nightmare to continue. This is the unfortunate voice of experience talking to you. Good luck to you JB, you seem like a lovely woman.
You seem to really beat yourself up worrying about everything that is going on and while your husband does seem to acknowledge that he has an alcohol abuse problem it kind of seems that he is not properly grasping the extent of the actions, sacrifices and commitments he will need to make to get his life and marriage back where they need to be.
I can understand both sides, I spent the best part of 20 years realising I had a problem but constantly talking myself into continuing to drink, talking myself around to the opinion that my drinking was controllable or that I was one of the few that could live life on the knife edge as a heavy drinker without being an alcoholic. Of course that was just my AV talking and it was all nonsense. I was an alcoholic with a progressive problem all along. I have had to substantially change the way I live my life these past weeks and also change the way I look at things like drinking, my relationships with my family and friends and all sorts of things to be able to stay sober. I can also tell you with 100% certainty that I will not be able to maintain this control unless I never, ever drink again. You have read all the posts about alcoholics having horrendous relapses....thats potentially where your husband is headed in March.
I can only help you in any way by sharing my experiences and I believe that if your husband is serious about you, his family and his sobriety then he will NEVER drink again. The tools he uses to ensure this are up to him, AA, AVRT or whatever....whatever works. But to be clear if you want the happiness you crave and if you want to stop this hell that you are living in then he needs to get off the beer and stay off the beer. No exceptions. If he cannot commit to this then don't expect anything other than for your nightmare to continue. This is the unfortunate voice of experience talking to you. Good luck to you JB, you seem like a lovely woman.
I understand what you are saying in that he should never drink again. I was living in a nightmare up until a few weeks ago when he quit drinking, and the nightmare has temporarily ended.
I am not going to break up with him for wanting to drink on the cruise in March, nor do I plan on not going with him. I have already warned him of the dangers that may happen if he chooses to drink again in March. He honestly believes that he can do it, and that he will not drink that much. I am choosing to give him this risk. I have done what I can in warning him of the dangers. Only time will tell.
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Originally Posted by LeeJane
Typical A behaviour. Bargaining to 'allow' drinking at certain times which then become all the time.
Sorry you have this to deal with, great job on staying sober yourself.
Sorry you have this to deal with, great job on staying sober yourself.
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Originally Posted by ubntubnt
If he drank before the cruise what do you think your position would be?
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I'm not expert by a looonnnggg stretch of the imagination but I am doing a lot of work on boundaries with a psych at the moment.
The thing I am am finding it difficult to understand is around:
- "I have a boundary that I will not be in a relationship with an active alcoholic"
- he's planning to drink on the cruise
- so what's the definition of an 'active alcoholic' for you?
My psych differs a lot from many SR folk....she doesn't define relapse by a single drink not driven by alcoholic behaviour...so I get that there are shades of gray in this, and I'm working through what MY definitions are and what boundaries are associated with them.
One thing I will say....I know I am never going to put myself in any situation again where I am the person that is responsible for controlling my RAH's choice to drink, nor any choice that goes with that (I.e. if he drinks, it's not going to be me monitoring or limiting). You are putting yourself in the role of being responsible for the amount your AH drinks. This sounds very stressful to me....not at all relaxing, like a holiday should be.
The thing I am am finding it difficult to understand is around:
- "I have a boundary that I will not be in a relationship with an active alcoholic"
- he's planning to drink on the cruise
- so what's the definition of an 'active alcoholic' for you?
My psych differs a lot from many SR folk....she doesn't define relapse by a single drink not driven by alcoholic behaviour...so I get that there are shades of gray in this, and I'm working through what MY definitions are and what boundaries are associated with them.
One thing I will say....I know I am never going to put myself in any situation again where I am the person that is responsible for controlling my RAH's choice to drink, nor any choice that goes with that (I.e. if he drinks, it's not going to be me monitoring or limiting). You are putting yourself in the role of being responsible for the amount your AH drinks. This sounds very stressful to me....not at all relaxing, like a holiday should be.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
Honestly, I think it would depend on the situation. If he drank 1 beer or something, I may be more forgiving. But if he went all out, I would be very upset.
It sounds like a very confusing boundary to me.
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Yes, that is what I was getting at. And because the boundaries are unclear they are negotiable for him also which is what he is doing now, negotiating to drink on the cruise. and because drinking is negotiable the relief and freedom of sobriety won't come. The negotiations and tension will just get heavier until something breaks. It may be easier just to lay down what the boundaries are and shake hands on them and then hold him to it.
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Ultimately, he will do what he wants to do. The one thing you can do is remain sober and take care of yourself. As long as you don't pick up the first drink, there is hope for you.
Congratulations on staying sober
Here is a link to an excellent post by Mike (RIP friend), it is good food for thoughts and a very good thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ght-drink.html
Ps: try to stay in the moment and not project and worry so much. A LOT of things can happen before March. No need to worry about things which have not even happened yet.
Congratulations on staying sober
Here is a link to an excellent post by Mike (RIP friend), it is good food for thoughts and a very good thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ght-drink.html
Ps: try to stay in the moment and not project and worry so much. A LOT of things can happen before March. No need to worry about things which have not even happened yet.
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One thing I have found EXTREMELY useful it's to keep up with that thread in the "alcoholism" forum on SR titled something like, "can you successfully moderate" it's one of those that was written awhile back and now has 11 pages.
I know you go over there, cuz I see your posts there and you said you are an RA, but I'm not sure if you read their posts or just the threads you start. That moderation poll thread I mentioned has been extremely informative to me. It really helped me understand and prepare. Sometimes I purposely go read threads that are probably going to tell me things I don't want to hear.
I know you go over there, cuz I see your posts there and you said you are an RA, but I'm not sure if you read their posts or just the threads you start. That moderation poll thread I mentioned has been extremely informative to me. It really helped me understand and prepare. Sometimes I purposely go read threads that are probably going to tell me things I don't want to hear.
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