Husband Wants To Drink On Upcoming Cruise

Old 12-08-2014, 05:06 PM
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I know that during my drinking days, while I still had a modicum of control when I really NEEDED to have it (though I could never manage it for too long), any time I kept the drinking on a "short leash" there would be this boomerang effect, where I basically did "make-up drinking" to compensate for how I'd been depriving myself. Sort of the way a person will binge after being on a strict diet.

I don't think he is going to have a gentlemanly aperitif, a glass of wine with dinner, and civilized nightcap. He is likely to be drinking his brains out because he's giving himself permission to let loose.

And even though there are a lot of people around on a cruise ship, that doesn't make it a safe place. If you look around online there have been many incidents of DV on cruise ships. There's very little opportunity to get away from him even if you need to.
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Old 12-08-2014, 05:19 PM
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So it's December, and he's planning to drink....in March.

I am sorry to tell you that he is not going to make it to March. He's already made the decision to drink. Once that's over with, why wait until March? It will be sooner rather than later. Please make arrangements to get yourself to a safe place when it happens.
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Old 12-08-2014, 05:26 PM
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Of course he wants to drink. He won't be able to smoke 24/7 and he has to be high to live his life (how sad). I'm not sure where you live, but I'd have him head to CO or WA and get edibles so he gets his fix from something other than alcohol.
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Old 12-08-2014, 05:46 PM
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JustBreathe....I also agree that March is a long time away....and that getting through the holidays will be enough of a challenge (as per Hawkeye13).

You may have a lot more clarity by March.

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Old 12-08-2014, 05:52 PM
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I was going to say the same thing as Santa - but I also don't think that he's really given you ANY indication that he intends to quit drinking forever so I think this is a conversation you may be having over & over again. I expect you'll be negotiating this again much sooner than March because he's laying the groundwork for relapse before actually getting fully sober.

With merely 2 weeks sans alcohol & his ongoing weed issue there's nothing to base any expectations on except for past behaviors. You say, "he was belligerent on past trips but nothing too bad" & I can't help but think, that's NOT a "normal" reaction. "Not too belligerent" is not at all the same as "Decent" or "Kind".

I think YOUR recovery needs to be top priority right now & I hope it helps provide you with some perspective about all of this.
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Old 12-08-2014, 06:02 PM
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Old 12-08-2014, 06:08 PM
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I spent one too many vacations with now separated AH including a cruise where he drank drank drank and got ugly. The cruise really sucked because you are stuck on the boat - you can't get off if he pisses you off . I would think long and hard about that one. I wish you the best!
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
His alcoholism has progressed since last year though hasn't it?
That's always a factor unfortunately.
Yes, and this is why I believe there have been so many episodes in the last year that did not happen during our first few years of marriage. His anger got progressively worse, as did his alcoholism.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
So you will have your own room and he will have his?

How will you arrange this in advance?
No, we will both be staying in the same room. Fortunately, I got a special deal on a suite, so at least there will be space in our room.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:09 PM
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Originally Posted by freetosmile View Post
Sounds like the idea of his drinking is already building up some resentment from you. You are obviously paying money for this cruise, I'm sure...so are you sure that you want to chalk this potentially AWESOME cruise up to a bitter memory? Perhaps telling him that you are not willing to go on the cruise if he is going to drink and stick to it. I mean that is hard to give up, but maybe it would send a good message to him. Tough call...seems like he is just really looking for a reason to drink. It would totally ruin the whole thing! Unless you just let him do his thing (get drunk) while you detach yourself from his nasty behavior and go enjoy yourself....which undoubtedly means you would be doing a lot of solo stuff...but I'm sure there will be plenty of people around to entertain you....so sorry!! What a downer!!
If the cruise gets ruined because of his behavior, I will just chalk it down to an expensive lesson.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by gippy1968 View Post
Would you not going cause more problems in your relationship than his drinking might?
Yes, if I didn't go on the cruise, that would cause a lot of problems. My husband loves for me to be around him. To put it bluntly, me not going on this cruise would be like ending our relationship, that is how serious it would be.

As my former sponsor in AA told me the other day, she says we are more connected than most couples she knows.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:12 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
My ex was like that. I finally had to put my foot down and stop taking him places and going out in public with him when he drank. It made him very angry, which was detrimental to my safety.
He wanted me to choose between public humiliation and safety (which was not even a guarantee) at home.
I gave him a second chance after we had temporarily separated. He was supposed to be getting help for his alcohol abuse. He chose to continue drinking.
I enforced my boundary and now I never get humiliated in public and I am always safe in my own home.
Don't worry about the cruise in March. It is a long time away. Just focus on today and taking care of you. I know this is hard, but if this second chance needs to happen then that is your choice. I did the same thing. Don't be afraid to enforce your boundary if it comes to that. We are here to support you. Keep posting.
Yes, I think I am getting too ahead of myself, which is creating unnecessary anxiety.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Kboys View Post
My AH has made comments like that too.
Just the other day we were talking about planning a weekend away without the kids, and he said, "I would be 'allowed' to have a drink if we did something like that, right?"

I didn't respond, but it made me really sad. It really made me realize he has no intentions of staying sober long-term.... And it made me realize this is ALWAYS going to be an issue. We will never be able to take a vacation or a night away from the kids without me worrying, and him wishing he could drink, and feeling resentful for not being "allowed."

Is this really what I want?
Yes, I am in the same boat. It's like he is just waiting for me to give him the okay to drink, and he will always be covertly resentful for me not wanting him to drink.

I told him the other night that whereas he sees it as sort of a threat of me leaving him if he drinks, I told him the opposite. I told my husband that me giving him permission to drink is sort of like ending the relationship, because I would be allowing him to do something in which he is likely to do something so bad that I cannot forgive him and will have to leave.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:16 PM
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Hi,

I just think you know bad things might be coming. Just remember that we love you here.

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Old 12-08-2014, 10:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
ladyscibbler is quite right that March is a long time away.

My grandmother used to say "don't borrow trouble" and perhaps that is good advice for this situation.
Both of you just staying sober through the holidays might be a better focus at the moment.

Put the emphasis on you (not him) and look after yourself.
It really does sound like the stress is beginning to get to you.
What self-care can you do to feel better and change gears?
Yes, the stress is sort of beginning to get to me because I am so worried. I need to let go and let God. It's funny, because he is so happy and calm these days, and I am the one worried. Taking care of myself involves going to work, exercising, visiting family. Tonight I went by myself to the mall and went Christmas shopping, so that was nice. I don't go christmas shopping with my husband because he is a spendthrift and will spend a lot of money, not only himself but everyone else, and we need to save for spending money for the cruise.

I think I became more stressed when I found out that he wanted to drink on the cruise. But I guess I will worry about that when it comes.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
I'd say "Fine, go alone." Can't imagine anything more depressing than being on a cruise ship with a drunk. Btw, all cruise ships have "Friends of Bill W." meetings scheduled for whoever wants to show up. He doesn't have to drink on a cruise or anywhere.
He does not want to go alone, and he does not go to AA meetings. There is a chance he will be a "respectful drunk" on the cruise. Last year on the cruise he moderated his drinking, especially since it is very expensive, it's not like he can just keep on drinking like he did in our apartment.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:23 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
I have read your back story. I suggest that you need to attend Al Anon if you have not been and work the step program. The cruise is not until March and it would be good for you to get some guidance in how to handle this situation.

I read a couple of threads indicating that DV has been an issue in your marriage which escalates when your husband drinks. You also have indicated that your family is at zero tolerance with your husband. We cannot control someone else we can only control ourselves. I hope you will start with Al Anon and focus on yourself and what you need rather than focus on AH, his needs, and what you think you need to do to accommodate his desires while sacrificing your own.

Congrats on staying sober - a terrific accomplishment! I know this is a very hard situation - lots of ((((hugs)))) and we are here for you.
Thanks for the post. I will try and break it down simple.

I told my husband that I do not want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. So there has been no more drinking in the past few weeks. If he does go back to that lifestyle, I won't want to be around it. Is he resentful about this? Probably, but he is doing a good job of still finding a way in his life to be happy, so all is good.

I think he would become very resentful if he cannot drink on the cruise. It would be a different resentment than the one now. I cannot change this, he has already made up his mind to drink. And I am choosing to still go. I can put up with his drinking for a week on the vacation, but I will not put up with it if he comes back and starts drinking again. The choice is his.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:25 PM
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My ex liked to spend a lot of money on his family, not so much mine, but I had to because my family was so much into spending.

My ex was trying to prove to his family that he was so much better then them financially. He always wanted to impress them.

Don't know why I still go back to where I was when I talk to you. Perhaps because it reminds me so much of me.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:25 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I know that during my drinking days, while I still had a modicum of control when I really NEEDED to have it (though I could never manage it for too long), any time I kept the drinking on a "short leash" there would be this boomerang effect, where I basically did "make-up drinking" to compensate for how I'd been depriving myself. Sort of the way a person will binge after being on a strict diet.

I don't think he is going to have a gentlemanly aperitif, a glass of wine with dinner, and civilized nightcap. He is likely to be drinking his brains out because he's giving himself permission to let loose.

And even though there are a lot of people around on a cruise ship, that doesn't make it a safe place. If you look around online there have been many incidents of DV on cruise ships. There's very little opportunity to get away from him even if you need to.
Last year like this year, he will not be able to just let loose drinking because we are on a budget, and I have control of the cruise card to buy things. At most, he knows that we can only afford maybe 5 drinks each day for him.
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Santa View Post
So it's December, and he's planning to drink....in March.

I am sorry to tell you that he is not going to make it to March. He's already made the decision to drink. Once that's over with, why wait until March? It will be sooner rather than later. Please make arrangements to get yourself to a safe place when it happens.
You may be right. But here is the unique thing about my husband as an alcoholic. When I drank, I lost total control and needed to drink. I will admit he seems to have more control than I did, although he can get very belligerent and almost violent when he drinks too much, something I was not.

My husband knows that he cannot drink around me, zero tolerance. So if he does choose to drink before March, it won't be around me, and it most likely won't be that much because he has no access to money. I have all access to our money because he is a spendthrift and knows it and accepts it. He would have to get beer from other people or at work, and if he does, it probably won't be to an extent that will make him belligerent.
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