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Old 12-08-2014, 03:48 AM
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feeling stuck

I've been seeing a therapist and trying to go No contact with my ex. I've told him to not contact me unless it is about the kids. I am struggling daily with this although making it. He seems fo find a "reason" to txt me every couple of days. He sends txt msgs now about the kids. Like he is using them to make contact. I am finding myself feeling sorry for him. I think its normal but not sure how to handle it. He knows he has screwed up for the last time with me. I told him if he wants this he has to show me first and only then will we talk about it. Get sober and work a program. Its the words he uses that allow me to feel guilty and sorry for him. He thinks I'm abandoning him and have abandoned him by sticking to my guns. I think I made the right choice, I'm just looking for encouragement and support. Mu therapy session cant come soon enough.
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Old 12-08-2014, 04:04 AM
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Actions reveal a person's true nature. Words are a dime a dozen. Do you have any boundaries in place with your ex? Maybe tell him you will only speak to him regarding the children, and that's it. He may text you, but you aren't obligated to respond. I know it's hard to not engage, but with time, you can stop that itchy trigger finger on the send button. Are you in Al-Anon? The double-coverage of meetings and therapy really helped in my early NC days with my mother. Obviously your situation is different since you are exes and have a child together, so that's where the boundaries come into play.
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Old 12-08-2014, 04:07 AM
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weezer, you're very clear-eyed about him manipulating you, so that's good. Now you can feel sorry for him because you've already told him what he has to do to before you can talk. He's not doing it right? Manipulating you is the line of least resistance.

As for how you handle it, here's a suggestion. Start thinking like him. If you were going to manipulate you, what would you say in a text? Write out a few examples and shout 'Bingo!' when they arrive.
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Old 12-08-2014, 05:07 AM
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Even if the texts are ostensibly about the kids, that doesn't obligate you to respond. If you feel a response is necessary, then do it as briefly as possible and don't engage in discussions.

E.g., if you get some long-winded sad text about how he will be late picking them up because (insert sad story here), you can just reply "OK."
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Old 12-08-2014, 05:54 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
As for how you handle it, here's a suggestion. Start thinking like him. If you were going to manipulate you, what would you say in a text? Write out a few examples and shout 'Bingo!' when they arrive.


This made me laugh. What a fantastic idea! I am going to save that one up.
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Old 12-08-2014, 06:54 AM
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Even if the texts are ostensibly about the kids, that doesn't obligate you to respond. If you feel a response is necessary, then do it as briefly as possible and don't engage in discussions.
AXH would use the kids as an excuse to contact me as well. I started doing something like this, on recommendation from someone here at SR:

1) Do I need to read this right now? If not, wait until I feel like it.
2) When I read it, ask myself: Is this about the kids? If not, just file it and ignore it.
3) If it is about the kids, ask myself "does it require an answer?" If not, just file it and ignore it.
4) If it requires an answer, is it urgent? If not, wait 24 hours. (Urgent = kid is in the ER; pretty much everything else can wait.)
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:33 AM
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Yes you have made the correct decision to leave an active alcoholic, that’s what is best for you and your children right now.
He’s going to try and say anything he can to get you to his side of the street but it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to actually do anything regarding the root issue (alcohol) for which you left.

My ex used to jump on the recovery wagon, made a good show, attended meetings, therapy and talked a good recovery game. My fault was in going back based on a month of that act which soon dwindled after I went back home. Then that cycle repeated itself several more time with the BUT this time I REALLY mean it.

There is a real reason why its suggested to give it months and months before even thinking of returning. Both of you have recovery to work on, and who knows once you dive into your own recovery, thinking about taking him back just may never be an option for you.
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Old 12-08-2014, 08:32 PM
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He has chosen someone else which was the final straw for me. He is just a mess.
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Old 12-08-2014, 09:21 PM
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Thank you for all the great suggestions. They help tremendously.
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Old 12-09-2014, 04:02 PM
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I am so sick of the in between emotions of this.
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Old 12-09-2014, 06:14 PM
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Weezer, I'm right there with you on the in between emotions. It's a pretty awful thing to go through and I'm so sorry that anyone else has to experience them. Just know you're so not alone. I try to think of them as waves.... just ride them out and they'll eventually become less intense. But, the worst part is that we must ride them, and it's an awful, sickening, heartwrenching ride.

I know that there is no way I can go back. While he says he has, he hasn't, at all, shown an interest in getting help and it's impossible to live with someone that walks around in life with a bottle of numbness always at the ready to fall back on when things get too tough. It's an unfair way to live. I know, beyond any doubt, that he loved me more than life itself... but not more than alcohol. At least not enough to make the change he needed to make to keep me and all we had together. That's like a knife to the gut, but I also know that I did everything I possibly could to make him realize that he deserved better, that we deserved better and that it could get better. He couldn't do it, and that hurts.

It's not us -- we have to remember that. It's them, and although they may want to with all of their heart, sometimes, they just can't. At least they couldn't now, and that is a hard reality to face, I know. But face it we must. And we will get better. I know that we will.

Hang in there Weezer and just remember that you're not alone. I'm riding those waves with you, cycling through the hurt, guilt, confusion, peace, being ok, being not ok, and everything in between.
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Old 12-10-2014, 01:25 PM
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I just want to celebrate a "ME" moment cause it feels good. First of all, I am thankful for SR and all of you who provide comfort and harsh truths. They help! I made the mistake of talking to xah and he strung me along for about a week or so emotionally. I get it now. I am jumping off this roller coaster because I feel so much better about me when I'm not identifying myself through or by him. I started smoking again and now I'm done with that too! I'm just ready to enjoy tonight with my girls and relish in my Ah ha moment extended.
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