Weezer, I'm right there with you on the in between emotions. It's a pretty awful thing to go through and I'm so sorry that anyone else has to experience them. Just know you're so not alone. I try to think of them as waves.... just ride them out and they'll eventually become less intense. But, the worst part is that we must ride them, and it's an awful, sickening, heartwrenching ride.
I know that there is no way I can go back. While he says he has, he hasn't, at all, shown an interest in getting help and it's impossible to live with someone that walks around in life with a bottle of numbness always at the ready to fall back on when things get too tough. It's an unfair way to live. I know, beyond any doubt, that he loved me more than life itself... but not more than alcohol. At least not enough to make the change he needed to make to keep me and all we had together. That's like a knife to the gut, but I also know that I did everything I possibly could to make him realize that he deserved better, that we deserved better and that it could get better. He couldn't do it, and that hurts.
It's not us -- we have to remember that. It's them, and although they may want to with all of their heart, sometimes, they just can't. At least they couldn't now, and that is a hard reality to face, I know. But face it we must. And we will get better. I know that we will.
Hang in there Weezer and just remember that you're not alone. I'm riding those waves with you, cycling through the hurt, guilt, confusion, peace, being ok, being not ok, and everything in between.