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Where do I start?

Old 02-25-2002, 06:43 PM
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Savy D
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Post Where do I start?

I have been with my A for the last 8 years. Things have gone from bad to worse in a matter of years. According to my husband everything is my fault. I've taken him to AA meetings in the past at his request. I signed him up for counseling, we went once. He admits he has a problem but says I do nothing to help him. He calls me by every name in the book except for my real name. He starts drinking by 4 every day and I pray for the time he passes out every night. It's usually by 9. I've threatened to leave several times. I've gone to a friends house a couple of times for the night and come home the next day. We have three young girls who hear everything he says to me. I hate having them in this situation but am too scared to go out on my own. They have often told relatives the things he says and that he makes me cry. They love their daddy very much and so do I, but I can't take it any more. I started to leave last week and had the children in the car screaming and crying because their dad told them I was taking them away from them and they would never see him again. If they had a problem with that, then it's your mom's fault. I drove around the block and came home. Help. What can I do? Where do I start? I'm tired of everyone in his family asking me what am I doing to help him. It's a known fact by his whole family he is an A. It runs in his family. 2 Uncles and 1 Aunt. He watced one die from alcoholism but it doesn't faze him. Neither does a DWI. I'm afraid he will hurt himself if I walk out the door and don't look back. We once struggled over a gun because he said if I left he would kill himself. I often hide the gun and put it in different places. Sorry if I ramble on, but I don't have anyone else to talk to.
 
Old 02-25-2002, 07:26 PM
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Hello Savy D!
Welcome to the recovery forum!

Where do you start? How about an alanon meeting? That 's where you will learn that there is nothing you can do to help him. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You can, however, help yourself and your girls with a new attitude. I would urge you to spend some time in meetings, or at least reading alanon literature... keeping up with this page and the naranon page on this site... for a little while. It sounds like you may be trying to make yourself make a decision before you are ready. Sometimes the choice is clear. It was for me and I drop kicked my A before I ever heard of this board. Sometimes it's hard to figure out where you would be losing the most.

If you're in a big hurry, here's a simple test. Assume he is never going to change. Can you continue to live like this forever?

It's okay to change your mind, too. For awhile I said "I can hack it, I can hack it." Then woke up one day and said "no, I can't."

Keep posting!
Smoke
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Old 02-25-2002, 07:51 PM
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I don't know if this will help you- and I myself am struggling with whether or not to make THE decision (stay or leave)- I am by no means an expert on relationships; however I think in your case the first thing you must consider is the effect of everything on your children- even though they love their Daddy, is it healthy for them to hear a man talk to a woman that way?? How will that effect their own self esteem in the future, when they're grown up? Also, is it a good idea to have a gun in the house, A or no A, especially with children??- Have you considered buying a locking thing for it and YOU keep the key, or a lock for the gun cabinet and YOU keep the key? Maybe you can find family counseling for the children so they can hear from someone else that Daddy is sick and that they can't be with Daddy until he is better. Good luck to you and keep posting................MK
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