SparkleKitty

You might be surprised at how quickly someone's priorities can change when there is money involved. Add addiction into the mix, and you are far better entrusting your money in a good lawyer than in her desire to preserve her reputation.

Bullfrog

You'd be surprised.

redatlanta

I sure hope it works out that way, but after perusing IA law the courts don't really recognize infidelity unless it can be proven that a spouse was using funds to support the person having an affair, or contracted a sexually transmittable disease. In other words you are in a "no-fault" state. Your "proof" as you have written it here, is texting and contact but to my knowledge you never actually "caught" her. Maybe you are speaking of not telling family/friends. My instinct tells me she will simply deny it and blame you crazy.

I re read your threads - you mentioned back in December of having her sign a settlement agreement quickly. Did you have that drawn up? That might work out for you if she is still in "i don't want anything mode".

Couch surfing gets real old real fast. Being broke does too especially when you aren't used to it. I imagine she has friends that will tell her not to settle as well. Don't drag your feet on this too long before she grows weary. Right now she may be enjoying the freedom; however, when she runs into issues of supporting her partying ways she might start quacking a different tune.

steelman1649

She didn't sign the settlement agreement back in August. I'm going to draw that up again and see if she will sign.

I took photos of her facebook conversations about the 19 year old temp that works for her. She knows this and her reputation at work would be destroyed if those photos leaked. None of her family or friends know the truth as well as our mutual friends.

gvrecovery

Get a lawyer, you may be dismayed at what she is capable of doing.

Florence

Are you trying to blackmail her? The state of Indiana doesn't work the way you think it works. The law doesn't care that she cheated AT ALL -- this is not TV. For real, what legal advice have you retained? None?

What does your counselor say?

Who is advising you?

steelman1649

I know that none of that stuff matters in court. I guess you could call it "unspoken blackmail", I'm just using that as a potential bargaining chip to make sure we settle things on our own without lawyers. Worst case scenario in case she gets greedy. Her job would be in jeopardy if they found out she carried on a relationship with a direct report.

I truly think this will be motivation enough to keep her nice through the process. Sad that's the only reason though...

SparkleKitty

Okay, I hear you. I will only add that I had the Most Amicable Divorce That Has Ever Happened on the Planet and at the end of the day, we BOTH still retained and needed lawyers to see us through it. I know you've heard everyone preaching to lawyer up, I will let it go and merely wish you the best of luck, disposition and circumstances through the process!

Praying

Hi. I'm so sorry you're here. Just to add my two cents like people here did for me a couple of years ago...

Once it becomes very, very real and the gravy train might stop, the gloves often come off in a scary way. Please assume the worst so you aren't blindsided by selfishness that not only rips your heart but takes your stuff. I was floored yet again at this stage (don't know why).

My X "was appalled" when I got a lawyer because "I knew him to be fair" and "we can work this out, I've always been amicable". That lawyer saved my hide! Once X knew I was actually leaving, he got MEAN and tried to take what he could. I wasn't in the best emotional state to not be manipulated.

Like others said... for me, the speed at which I drove for closure helped as he was still holding together his external image. It was definitely a short window where he was willing to let some things go. He drug his feet to finalize the divorce but I pushed and closed it. His world crumbled within the month and he lost his job. I KNOW he'd have cried for alimony, so I count my lucky stars! My lawyer wrote in that neither of us could come back for alimony ever. Lawyers know stuff to help protect you that we might not anticipate. If you get a lawyer, be open about things and ask for help protecting you against any future claims. Act as though you are protecting yourself from an enemy. (Harsh, I know, and horrible...but nobody else is going to look out for your interests...only you.)

Take care.

steelman1649

I have spoken to some lawyers that are my friends. They have drawn up all the paperwork to protect myself. If she signs I'm set, if she doesn't I'll lawyer up depending on her demands.

Praying

Just to add...my X's downfall at work included a relationship with a direct report--it might get out anyway with your silence, and you'll lose your "leverage".

hopeful4

I get what you are saying SM, you are banking on her personally not wanting that info out. That may very well work. However, I would still get her to sign the agreement and file ASAP. My XAH and I had an agreement that we both signed and had notorized. My attorney was quick to point out that in court that would mean next to nothing. We needed the actual legal papers filed. Now, my X did not know they would not hold up, but I did which was why I pushed so hard to get it done so quickly. Luckily here in MO you can divorce very quickly.

My main concern was a bit different. I had children involved. However, there were monetary issues that I wanted tightened up right away too.

Truly, get an attorney my friend. Quickly. Once people knew my X and I had separated, he was getting feedback from all sorts of people and it nearly kept him from signing at the last min.

Good Luck, Stay Strong!

amy55

I used "blackmail" for my divorce. I had threatened to file a civil suit, known as a marital tort or "tevis" claim based on his abuse. I had hospital records, police records, doctors records, dv records...

I only did this because he wanted an amicable divorce, but what he meant by amicable was that he made an offer to me and that I should accept it.

After he made his offer, well surprise. I finally bought a computer and looked things up and saw how much he was trying to screw me. That's when the gloves came off and I lawyered up. My divorce with no young children and very little assets lasted a year and a half, and cost me about $15,000. I did get more or less what I wanted, but it was after many court dates, with him refusing to submit the discovery documents.

I did end up dropping the marital tort, I really didn't want to go that way, but my ex was completely unreasonable, and I think his lawyer had threatened to drop him if he didn't start listening.

killerinstinct

steelman she will be fine, please don't stress about her being homeless.. I know its hard for both of you and you're both hurting right now.. but you're probably more distressed than she is as she can walk away whilst you're left feeling guilty etc ontop of everything else you've endured. when I kicked my ax out I was secretly hoping he'd come back and he was willing too but the minute someone offered him a place to stay he cut me off never to return... this was my husband and we had a two week old baby together.. they don't care unfortunately its a sickness and they aren't healthy. The reason why you should stop supporting her is not because you're codependent .. I mean yes were all codependent to a degree but most people do these normal loving things in relationships, the reason you should stop is you're wasting your time... believe me I chased my husband for two years and it got me no where but sick, stressed and caught up in a breakdown.,, and for what while they're out having the time of their lives and their lives actually improve because they're not around us angry hurt people!

Praying

Amy, I just have to say WOW, what strength. I know that's a very, very hard thing to do...and to keep doing to see it through. You make me smile.

CodeJob

Verb for the DAY! Bird-dog it Steelman.

redatlanta

Your intent here may seem to you to hurt her - but the only person it will hurt is YOU. The last thing you want is an unemployed spouse in a divorce. You should be praying she doesn't f**k up and get fired because its going to be YOUR problem if she does. Your problem in the way of temporary alimony, and alimony she might otherwise never get. Any attorney will tell you this.

God forbid she ever prove you tried to extort a settlement out of her in your favor or else you will "get her fired".

I get it dude, I really do. For all she has caused you she should walk away with nada and I hope she does. The most important thing is that you protect yourself and not dig a hole in the process of trying to get justice.

Wahine

I filed for divorce last week. My AH wanted things to be amicable and said he would be reasonable. The next day he cleaned out all joint accounts, stole all my cash, credit cards, and check book. The next day he tossed the entire house, including the kids room. It's been a week, were still cleaning. Yesterday I realized he stole a coin collection my father left me, a premarital asset. When I calm down enough I plan to ask him, which part of all of this is reasonable. Oh, it's been two weeks and he has given me zero money.

A dozen people here, ones that predicted the end of your marriage, have all suggested you get a lawyer.

Turner99

What redatlanta said to the power of 10. Did you force her out of her house? I'll bet she says you did. You got nothing on her, because she has nothing to lose. If this mess doesn't quickly transform into an acrimonious cesspool of lies, I will truly be shocked. Forget your lawyer friends, discover the best divorce attorney in your area and get an appointment ASAP.

MissFixit

Is there a reason you havent hired an attorney or dont want to hire one? It might seem cheaper now but wont later. Ex will get legal advice once you ask her to sign anything. She'd be a fool not to get some.

Dont threaten her. Its wrong and illegal and could snowball.