Received

I don't think I've ever posted on the Friends and Family forum however this thread has gotten my attention and I've been watching it.

You titled the thread "Got her out, now what?", and after receiving some fantastic experience and advice you are wanting to move her back in?

The member "Croissant" summed things up giving a glimpse of your history with this situation. Kind of, same stuff, different day.

Why? There seems to be, imo, absolutely no good that can come of her moving back in. You got her out for a reason, no? It would appear getting her out did not come easy for you. So, now, you're wishing to move her back in to see how she performs and behaves on a daily basis?

I'm confused.

hopeful4

I agree with FS. You are looking for a quick answer where there is not one. I let my XAH come home after rehab. He was home for a FULL YEAR before he relapsed. I realized the best thing I could have done is....nothing. Filed for legal separation and let him figure out his own life. I know it's hard to grasp, but if you are going to stay with her, there will be no short term answer. You have to live constantly with the chance that she could go back to her same self-absorbed mess. If you can stand to live like that, by all means. It nearly gave me a nervous breakdown and I feel shed years off my life from stress and anxiety.

Her true colors will come out when she does not have you to babysit her. She also needs to step up and take financial responsibility of her own life.

Just my .02.

I pray that whatever decisions you make, it involves counseling and taking good care of YOU.

SparkleKitty

I understand where you're coming from, but I guess my point is that if you are micro-observing her every move, it is easy to miss the big picture. Which, in my opinion, is that you have made Her Changing the focal point of Your Happiness. If she changes then you will be happy. If she doesn't then you can't be happy. Oversimplified, but that is what I see.

I suggest there is another option. Separate in every way and focus on yourself and what you really want out of a marriage. Get to know yourself. Maybe figure out what it is that has kept you there with her despite many many reasons to leave. Loving someone is not a reason to put up with disrespect and betrayal. Something else is at work there and you won't find out what that is while you have her recovery to fixate on as the Answer to Everything. You have recovering to do as well. I don't understand what is so impossible about recovering separately and each of you focusing on yourselves for as long as you need to.. If all goes well, you'll come back together happier, healthier, and stronger than ever. If it doesn't, you will both have a vastly different perspective on the situation than you do right now.

Whatever you decide Steelman, I hope you know we're all here to support you and listen to you whenever you need it.

redatlanta

Control and manage. Control and manage. Control and manage.

Doesn't work guy. Sorry. Bad plan. Your idea of seeing her daily is rationalization to let her move back in because we all know you desperately want that. You are simply trying to figure out a way to do it to make it 'OK".

What you want is a healthy wife and a healthy marriage - reasonable of course we all want that. You have problems too - you are very codependent and enabling. You need as much help as she does. You are breaking your boundary and that is really, really unfair to you both.

First time shame on you second time shame on me. Truth my friend. Get those papers together and get her to sign them. Let her get her own place and you watch and wait. She doesn't need to live with you to figure out if she is f'ing up you will know in the same respect you can see if she is recovering and putting an honest effort into it. In the meantime get yourself in Al Anon and work the steps. If you both work together in earnest then perhaps this marriage can flourish.

She has already been out there in the big bad world on her own and its not working for her. I doubt she will leave again when she gets bombed and breaks the 30 rules one by one that you make her agree to before moving back. I wouldn't leave the second time I would have learned that mistake just like she has.

Good luck to you and praying for you. One day at a time, you don't need to figure this all out today.

m1k3

steelMan, I needed the space because I had my own recovery to work on. I wasn't just a passenger on the crazy train, I was helping her run it!

I had my own issues to work on, my own problems to deal with. Why did I NEED her so bad, what was missing in my life. Why was I willing to accept unacceptable behavior. Why was I willing to get to a point where I thought death was the only answer to my problems. Why was I willing to provide and care and cover for her when all she really brought me was pain.

I couldn't do that while I was still actively involved in the insanity. I needed some space, some quiet time to figure out what was right for me, not us, me.

I do believe that once you have the space, let her work her recovery on her own and figure out what you really want for you in the future you will be in a much better place to make some decisions that are based in fact rather than the story in your head.

At least that was how it worked for me. I have to believe that if we had moved back in with each other I would have gotten tottaly lost in the insanity again.

Your friend,

CodeJob

Steelman, I hope you do the right thing for you. You aren't the first or last to go another round. It is absolutely your choice.

Be well.

steelman1649

I guess I thought the room would stop spinning when she left, it has not. I'm just as confused, sad, and unhappy as ever. I need to get back to my therapist and figure out what my problem is.

SparkleKitty

Wow do I hear that. When we spin, sometimes we're dizzy for a long time after we stop. But the solutions isn't jumping back on the merry-go-round. It's getting grounded and bringing the focus back on ourselves.

Florence

Agree with this 100%.

The room is spinning because you're trying to make sense of insanity. One alternative to your plans is to do nothing and observe. How is she when you don't save her? In this is every answer you need about her "true colors," now and probably forever. Give yourself the time and space to get some perspective on who she is without your intervention, and how it feels to have some distance from her emotional chaos. TIME: Weeks or months of it.

If this is kismet, a little time hurts nothing.

Stung

1st: her true colors already are showing, she's an alcoholic adulterer who is backpedaling in the face of her consequences. She has done a lot of talking about changing. But nothing more. If she is going to change, it will show regardless of where she is living. I think you've probably become accustomed to being her keeper and checking on her communications and making sure she is doing what she's supposed to be doing (checking her location, looking at her FB and text messages, etc.) I've been there too. These bad habits need to cease and honestly, distance has been the best way for me to stop doing the exact same stuff to my husband. Your wife needs to earn your trust and you're not ready to give her your trust and the way you'll feel comfortable is if you can monitor her while she's in your home. She needs to earn your trust dude, and you may likely find that process easier if she isn't trying to manipulate you and you're trying to monitor/control her. Nothing changes if she comes back, all you have in place is the threat of divorce.

2nd: I hope you don't feel like people are ripping you a new one. No one on here is living your life or knows exactly what you're going through. I think we all have suggestions and advice and opinions but nothing more than that. You're in a tough spot and the decisions you're making and the changes you're attempting are not easy ones.

fairlyuncertain

This! Wow. When my exA came to me with all of the persuasion and manipulative kind words, I always wanted so badly to agree. I felt like I had to find some way to make it work. Why?

Because saying 'No.' would create a shift from a romantic comedy to a horror movie in a split second. Not necessarily immediate verbal abuse or violence, but things would go south. Fast. And reading that, I realize that saying 'no' to an alcoholic creates a lot of fear in me. And setting firm boundaries, in general--because the response is always so out-of-proportion.

I sat with my spinning feelings one night. I realized the 'love' I felt that night towards my A was a flood of relief. The danger had passed, for that moment. The panic, anxiety, worry and dread was gone--and that, I was calling Love. And I got that pseudo-love by agreeing to the A's fantasy words about how everything was going to be better now.

I hope the OP finds some wisdom in this thread--I know I just did!!

Praying

This is very powerful. Ouch! (says my memory)
Thanks for posting.

I hung on for dear life because I signed up for better or worse, didn't want to abandon, and wanted the romantic comedy instead of the horror film. I'm now living the action adventure alone and scaling mountains.

Steelman, I wish you peace and clarity. One question I'd like to toss out there...don't feel the need to answer here, but it might help to think about. I'm curious why you'd have her sign things and have divorce papers looming in case she fails and you decide it's over? I would feel like you're trying to control me and dangling it out there...which would ultimately backfire. The advice others give here about separate space gets to the same end--you can still cut bait and run if she fails, and her failure is fully HERS on her own two feet, not relative to your carrots.

You really can't help her. She'll get wherever she's going faster alone, up or down. If she's with you and your conditions, a downward path could be much much longer and intensely more painful for you. Sounds counter-intuitive, I know. I didn't understand why space mattered until AXH moved out with his secret affair...and wow, the peace and clarity that came for me in the months that followed. I thought together was better and never would have believed it until it was thrust upon me. (Thank you XAH!)

You sound very analytical. You've done your homework, lined up all the right things for you. I'm the same way. I accomplish my goals, I will work hard, I want to know the answer...how fast can we get there? What I sometimes miss is the emotional piece of it...stepping back from the right things I'm doing and honestly assessing whether I can "fix" anything with my actions, allowing time for things to play out on their own. Still working on that.

We will support you whatever you do. This life is yours. And I doubt there are many here who have never tried a thing or two others advised against! I sure did. I still do. That's the beauty of all of our shared experiences, however difficult they are. Hang in there.

littlefish

It's not about her "performing". Recovery is a solo flight. Monitoring her is meeting your need to control, not meeting her need to recover.

LightInside

Here's my opinion, SM. I think it's time you start looking at yourself as having an addiction. Whether it's to her, drama, whatever it is. You are having a hard time letting go of something that is hurting you.
Addiction | Define Addiction at Dictionary.com
What you are experiencing when you are without her is withdrawal. You will make all kinds of justifications to keep using. The symptom of denial that she has with her addiction is present in you in relation to both of your addictions.

I could be totally wrong here, but if we entertain the hypothesis, there are some hopeful little threads.

Addiction is treatable! There are a lot of resources available to addicted people: books, support groups, therapists, etc. Since you know so much about what you think she needs to do to recover from her addiction, you can just take all of that and apply it to yourself.That withdrawal that I think you're trying to avoid? It's totally temporary and tons of people have conquered it before you. Think about what you're wanting her to go through with her own withdrawal and learning new coping mechanisms. If you're addicted, you have to do the same. That can help you have compassion toward her and yourself.

I could be projecting my own addiction issues onto you, but I also could be setting it so clearly because I know it well by now. I can definitely say that withdrawal is PAINFUL, but it really is temporary and surmountable. The more you "relapse," the longer it takes to get to the Serenity.

I hope you find this helpful. I felt a little bossy about saying this, but sometimes we need a gentle kick in the pants. Please take what you want and leave the rest.

killerinstinct

Steelman, I understand what you're going through. The only reason why my marriage ended was because my husband left me for someone else, I still would have hung around even with his constant cheating, lying etc to make it work... it's easier said than done to leave and also I realised something about life, you can't fake it, you have to mean it so it's sounds like you're not ready to let go so don't pretend because it doesn't work ... it just won't work.. but you'll know when it's over for good if it does come to that. Here for you no matter the outcome...

NWGRITS

Dude. You're f***ed if you let her back in. Find an attorney and file now. You're going to need the protection. She's pulling out all the stops and she has you right where she wants you. Dollars to donuts she's going to take you to the cleaners, and then you'll be on here telling us how shocked you are that she did this to you. Uh-uh, you did it to yourself. Please tell me you have enough brain cells to put this together and realize that she's manipulating you. Cut and run, babe. She's going to bleed you dry if you don't cut her off completely. Like a cancer. Get that sumb*tch out before it's too late. Yes, I'm being blunt. You just don't seem to be getting it. I know you're smarter than this.

LadyinBC

Talk is cheap and is only what YOU want to hear. She is upping her game. Believe me I know this.

Recovery does not happen overnight, in a few days, or a few weeks or a few months. It takes years.

I certainly won't rip you a new one as in the end you need to recover from this too. I do encourage you to go talk to someone to find out why you are okay with being treated this way. People can only treat us like crap if we let them.

You are definitely caught up in this cycle with her, just in a different way. You can choose to let yourself off the merry-go-round at any time, it is really up to you.

jarp

How are you going steelman? I've been thinking about you.

marie1960

Her address, as in where she lives, has nothing to do with whether or not she is truly serious about embracing HER recovery.

IMHO, she simply is worried about losing her cash cow.

Perhaps it's time to get out of the way, and take a step back and see what happens. It appears, you are trying to micromanage , an uncontrollable situation.

Wishing you clarity, friend.

sunday9

Looks like I have found another thread I can identify and relate to..... full of information and advice that I know is good..... and so want to be able to hold on to and use!!!