need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 81
WOW, thank you all so much for the support! That's what I need to keep going and stay out of paralysis mode. It's so helpful to hear from people who don't blame me. My inlaws tend to dump it all in my lap and count on me to either wait it out or fix it. My pastor said hello in church today and I burst into tears, so she and a few other women of the church ushered me into the office. I spoke to a lady who's husband was an alcoholic and is now happily sober. She told me it'd get better. I asked was your husband violent? She immediately offered for my baby and me to stay with her family.
I also talked to my dad; both my parents are a thousand miles away but they are doing all they can. I was talking to him about how I worry the court won't see he's abusive and an alcoholic. He can be very charming. He said then your husband needs to be challenged to prove he is sober and not abusive. It really inspired me to keep doing right and trusting God will let justice stand in the end.
I've got some bags packed up to give to a coworker for safekeeping. There are no shelters around here but I have options. Can I make it financially? Not sure. Will he fight tooth and nail for our kid or will he quack? Not sure. He's so volitale. His fuse is getting shorter. Right now I'm strong but tomorrow I could be a glop of sad pudding. But I can almost see freedom. Relief. Peace. Joy. I'm gonna dig through the forums for success stories. Happiness to all and thank you again!
I also talked to my dad; both my parents are a thousand miles away but they are doing all they can. I was talking to him about how I worry the court won't see he's abusive and an alcoholic. He can be very charming. He said then your husband needs to be challenged to prove he is sober and not abusive. It really inspired me to keep doing right and trusting God will let justice stand in the end.
I've got some bags packed up to give to a coworker for safekeeping. There are no shelters around here but I have options. Can I make it financially? Not sure. Will he fight tooth and nail for our kid or will he quack? Not sure. He's so volitale. His fuse is getting shorter. Right now I'm strong but tomorrow I could be a glop of sad pudding. But I can almost see freedom. Relief. Peace. Joy. I'm gonna dig through the forums for success stories. Happiness to all and thank you again!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
First of all, you are not alone. Take comfort in that and definitely reach out to a domestic violence hotline if you need to. The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help
I know it doesn't feel like it now but you DO have the strength to leave. It is the hardest thing but also the best thing. Stay safe, sending prayers your way xoxo
I know it doesn't feel like it now but you DO have the strength to leave. It is the hardest thing but also the best thing. Stay safe, sending prayers your way xoxo
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
So happy you are reaching out for support. You can not fix or save him. His alcoholism and violence are 2 separate issues that both need to be addressed by him!! You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Please document everything. Please don't hesitate to call 911 either. You and your baby deserve to be safe and loved!!
Please document everything. Please don't hesitate to call 911 either. You and your baby deserve to be safe and loved!!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
So happy you are reaching out for support. You can not fix or save him. His alcoholism and violence are 2 separate issues that both need to be addressed by him!! You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Please document everything. Please don't hesitate to call 911 either. You and your baby deserve to be safe and loved!!
Please document everything. Please don't hesitate to call 911 either. You and your baby deserve to be safe and loved!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 23
Hey MissBoots! You sound like me just a few months ago. I hesitated and worried myself into a paralysis that didn't allow me to do anything but survive each episode, each weekend. I anticipated that moment when I knew if had enough and I was soo scared, scared of what would happen, how it would play out, if I had the strength, but when that moment came it felt like the fog of the bay cleared and my path was plainly in sight.
I don't have kids so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you, but it WILL get better now that you're taking these first steps. I still struggle every day, but I'm healing a bit more every dsy and I literally feel myself coming back. Like you, my AH is physically violent and I finally understood that it will not get better living this way. There is absolutely no option that leads to a happy ending if I continued on the same road. Don't have much advice yet since I'm only a few weeks ahead of you, but keep us posted, this place is a great extra support.
**{hugs}}
I don't have kids so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you, but it WILL get better now that you're taking these first steps. I still struggle every day, but I'm healing a bit more every dsy and I literally feel myself coming back. Like you, my AH is physically violent and I finally understood that it will not get better living this way. There is absolutely no option that leads to a happy ending if I continued on the same road. Don't have much advice yet since I'm only a few weeks ahead of you, but keep us posted, this place is a great extra support.
**{hugs}}
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 81
Oh, SiRi I'm so sorry you were treated badly by your husband. It felt like the most vicious and terrifying violation and he didn't even hit THAT hard. Ugh. So I'm happy for you that you are free and hopefully very safe now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Oh Missboots my heart is breaking for you right now. It was vicious and it was a violation. You are right to be terrified. How hard you get hit is not a measure of how painful and horrible the experience is. It's getting hit at all. He has no right to treat you the way he does. You are a good woman and a good mother. You and your baby deserve safety and peace. Please take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
So much great advice above so I'll just say we all support you and pray for you. I've been where you are and know it feels like the end of the world, but it isn't. Alanon saved my sanity (and my life) but right now it's time to focus on getting out quickly. God bless.........
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Missboots, maybe now is the time to leave since you have somewhere to go? I'm so glad to hear that members of your church are supporting you. Sending much love and hugs your way. You sound like a strong person. Good luck to you. xo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 81
I'm really afraid of financial limits and a custody battle. I don't want to move in with a church member who would be against divorce. I don't know if I can make it on my own. And I'm terrified custody won't go well and I won't have my baby as much as I want. My job doesn't pay well but I need to.keep it. I'm counting on my inlaws to keep my baby. What if they won't? And I don't even have a car. This just sucks. He's the abusive alcoholic and gets everything.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by missboots
I'm really afraid of financial limits and a custody battle. I don't want to move in with a church member who would be against divorce. I don't know if I can make it on my own. And I'm terrified custody won't go well and I won't have my baby as much as I want. My job doesn't pay well but I need to.keep it. I'm counting on my inlaws to keep my baby. What if they won't? And I don't even have a car. This just sucks. He's the abusive alcoholic and gets everything.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Very good advice about calling the DV hotline on those issues.
Regarding thoughts playing around in your head, if that's part of what's happening: there was a day last week I had a lot of negative words and thoughts in my head and I'd had enough of it! My husband is no longer emotional abusive, but those thoughts and words were there just the same. I've finally stopped talking negatively about myself, after lots of work on that, but I couldn't stop my thoughts.
I spent an hour saying out loud:
"I am capable of making good decisions for my health, my finances and my life."
The emphasis on different words changed and the words themselves changed after a while. One day I automatically typed this on a post: "I am resourceful. I am strong. I am healthy. I can make good choices. Our son and I will be okay." and later realized just where that came from! I wasn't fully feeling it, but I started believing it.
I started with "I am capable of making sound decisions" because it didn't set up any expectations of myself. It doesn't say I'm going to do something, or how I'm going to do it. I couldn't handle anything more than that, and yet it is the biggest thing of all.
Wishing you all the best. Prayers are with you. When the specifics start to worry you, it's okay to give them over to God. If you start to doubt your self-worth, remember that you are worthy in His eyes.
Progress, not perfection.
Regarding thoughts playing around in your head, if that's part of what's happening: there was a day last week I had a lot of negative words and thoughts in my head and I'd had enough of it! My husband is no longer emotional abusive, but those thoughts and words were there just the same. I've finally stopped talking negatively about myself, after lots of work on that, but I couldn't stop my thoughts.
I spent an hour saying out loud:
"I am capable of making good decisions for my health, my finances and my life."
The emphasis on different words changed and the words themselves changed after a while. One day I automatically typed this on a post: "I am resourceful. I am strong. I am healthy. I can make good choices. Our son and I will be okay." and later realized just where that came from! I wasn't fully feeling it, but I started believing it.
I started with "I am capable of making sound decisions" because it didn't set up any expectations of myself. It doesn't say I'm going to do something, or how I'm going to do it. I couldn't handle anything more than that, and yet it is the biggest thing of all.
Wishing you all the best. Prayers are with you. When the specifics start to worry you, it's okay to give them over to God. If you start to doubt your self-worth, remember that you are worthy in His eyes.
Progress, not perfection.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Missboots please call a DV hotline. You are not the first woman faced with financial issues in trying to leave a violent spouse. There may be resources out there for you and your son that you are unaware of.
Have you spoken with this church member about divorce? Many churches do support leaving a spouse in a DV situation.
Grounds for a divorce in biblical terms is based on adultery - being committed here with the bottle. Biblically a husband is supposed to love, and honor his wife. Not trash her verbally and hit her.
Have you spoken with this church member about divorce? Many churches do support leaving a spouse in a DV situation.
Grounds for a divorce in biblical terms is based on adultery - being committed here with the bottle. Biblically a husband is supposed to love, and honor his wife. Not trash her verbally and hit her.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Missboots---please don't make the mistake of thinking that there is no help. The national hotlines have huge networks across the entire country of people who are willing to help. Often--this is not seen by the public.
There is help available for anyone who will reach out their hand to ask for it or is willing to receive it. There are choices and options available for you.. You do not have to stay in this situation.
Many, many women have walked in your shoes and gotten safely and successfully from under their situation. Many--right here on this forum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We all have more strength and courage than we think. When we need it--it is amazing how it shows up...LOL. Trust me--you have everything that it takes--inside of you, already---to do what you need to do.
We care about you and we will help you. You are not alone!!
dandylion
There is help available for anyone who will reach out their hand to ask for it or is willing to receive it. There are choices and options available for you.. You do not have to stay in this situation.
Many, many women have walked in your shoes and gotten safely and successfully from under their situation. Many--right here on this forum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We all have more strength and courage than we think. When we need it--it is amazing how it shows up...LOL. Trust me--you have everything that it takes--inside of you, already---to do what you need to do.
We care about you and we will help you. You are not alone!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by missboots
I spoke to a lady ho's husband was an alcoholic and is now happily sober. She told me it'd get better. I asked was your husband violent? She immediately offered for my baby and me to stay with her family.
Hugs to you, missboots
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 81
Missus, very true! I don't think my AH is the one in a million who will get better.
I tried to call the national hotline last night but it was busy. I need to speak to someone because if it all lines up right, I'll be moving as early as next week. There is still so much to do and I'm a ball of anxiety but I'm sooooo ready too!
I tried to call the national hotline last night but it was busy. I need to speak to someone because if it all lines up right, I'll be moving as early as next week. There is still so much to do and I'm a ball of anxiety but I'm sooooo ready too!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I am rooting for you!!! It sounds like you have a support system and a good plan in place.
And let me get some Bible thumping in here since you said you were OK with that:
When I left an abusive A, I didn't know how things would work out. Like you, I had made a plan, but AXH forced my hand by threatening to kill the entire family, so I just left. Clothes on my back, the kids, a car.
If I hadn't been a believer before then, I would have become one. Things fell into place. People came out of the woodwork to help. I have never felt so supported in my life -- and to imagine, all the years I stayed partly because I didn't want to "go outside of God's will" -- and once I left, God showed me that he would be there and hold me up.
Do what you need to do and put it all in God's hands. All the things you fear, they may never happen. Money? There's always more to be made. Custody? You don't even know if your AH will be interested in having custody.
You will get through this. It's scary, but it can be done. There are many of us here who have done it before you, been scared like you, and gotten through it. Big hugs.
And let me get some Bible thumping in here since you said you were OK with that:
When I left an abusive A, I didn't know how things would work out. Like you, I had made a plan, but AXH forced my hand by threatening to kill the entire family, so I just left. Clothes on my back, the kids, a car.
If I hadn't been a believer before then, I would have become one. Things fell into place. People came out of the woodwork to help. I have never felt so supported in my life -- and to imagine, all the years I stayed partly because I didn't want to "go outside of God's will" -- and once I left, God showed me that he would be there and hold me up.
Do what you need to do and put it all in God's hands. All the things you fear, they may never happen. Money? There's always more to be made. Custody? You don't even know if your AH will be interested in having custody.
You will get through this. It's scary, but it can be done. There are many of us here who have done it before you, been scared like you, and gotten through it. Big hugs.
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