AH uncle has died. Please help
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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AH uncle has died. Please help
My husbands uncle died during the night and I know that he will probably hold it together until after the funeral as he has to organise everything but I know that when it's over he will hit the drink!! I am so worried about him but he is shutting me out. I spoke to him earlier today and offered to be with him when making the arrangements but he said no his step father is doing it with him as this was his uncles wish but he will call either later today or tomorrow!
Here's the thing I am so used to supporting him I don't know how to sit here and not and then watch as he falls apart. I know I can't do anything especially as he is shutting me out. Although he has been drinking more while living at his mums it's not been as often as he wants and his new place won't be ready until another 2 months. Part of me think he left so he could drink to cope with his uncles illness and he knew he would take it hard once he died and would do as he always does use drink as his coping strategy it's his default. He always said he was worried about how he would cope when he died. Part of me thinks it's just an excuse to drink!!
I am reading co dependency no more and how to detach with love but how do I do this support him when he needs it but not allow the worry and anxiety to affect my recovery. It is so hard to watch someone you love spiral out of control and know that the mess he is going to get himself into will be a mess and drink themselves into oblivian to cope with everything!!!! He has been refusing to deal with anything since he left is the death of his uncle and leaving his wife and family going to hit him at once or will he use alcohol to block everything out.
How do you support someone you love who is determined to continue down a path of self destruction without hurting yourself??
Here's the thing I am so used to supporting him I don't know how to sit here and not and then watch as he falls apart. I know I can't do anything especially as he is shutting me out. Although he has been drinking more while living at his mums it's not been as often as he wants and his new place won't be ready until another 2 months. Part of me think he left so he could drink to cope with his uncles illness and he knew he would take it hard once he died and would do as he always does use drink as his coping strategy it's his default. He always said he was worried about how he would cope when he died. Part of me thinks it's just an excuse to drink!!
I am reading co dependency no more and how to detach with love but how do I do this support him when he needs it but not allow the worry and anxiety to affect my recovery. It is so hard to watch someone you love spiral out of control and know that the mess he is going to get himself into will be a mess and drink themselves into oblivian to cope with everything!!!! He has been refusing to deal with anything since he left is the death of his uncle and leaving his wife and family going to hit him at once or will he use alcohol to block everything out.
How do you support someone you love who is determined to continue down a path of self destruction without hurting yourself??
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
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Step. Away.
Throwing yourself into this drama is not going to help either of you. I'm sorry.
In fact in stepping away, you are giving him no excuse to blame you for making the situation worse.
I've been on both sides of the story. Before you can help someone else, you have to be the best possible version of you. And that's in normal circumstances. With an alcoholic, there is not much you can do or say that won't be twisted around and put back onto you.
Best wishes. Go and do something nice for yourself. Calm down and see where you need to be looked after by you.
Throwing yourself into this drama is not going to help either of you. I'm sorry.
In fact in stepping away, you are giving him no excuse to blame you for making the situation worse.
I've been on both sides of the story. Before you can help someone else, you have to be the best possible version of you. And that's in normal circumstances. With an alcoholic, there is not much you can do or say that won't be twisted around and put back onto you.
Best wishes. Go and do something nice for yourself. Calm down and see where you need to be looked after by you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello Confused, I'm sorry for your loss and that you are spinning emotionally right now. If you have offered to help and he has refused, there really is nothing you can do. We can't make people accept our help.
Sometimes we base our decisions and actions in a relationship on what we think would make ourselves feel better if we were in the same situation. In other words, if you had just experienced the loss of a family member, it would make you feel better, more comforted, if your husband were around to support you.
He, however, said he does not want you involved when you asked. I hope you can respect his decision. I know this must be hard, but perhaps distracting yourself as much as possible today will help!
Sometimes we base our decisions and actions in a relationship on what we think would make ourselves feel better if we were in the same situation. In other words, if you had just experienced the loss of a family member, it would make you feel better, more comforted, if your husband were around to support you.
He, however, said he does not want you involved when you asked. I hope you can respect his decision. I know this must be hard, but perhaps distracting yourself as much as possible today will help!
Sober since 10th April 2012
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Hi confused, this is something he'll have to go through for himself. He's left you because he wants to be on his own. Let him be.
Maybe the way he reacts, good or bad, will help him get some clarity.
Try to work on yourself; you need as much support as he does.
Maybe the way he reacts, good or bad, will help him get some clarity.
Try to work on yourself; you need as much support as he does.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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I know that today he doesn't want me to organise the funeral with him. His uncles wishes were for him and his step father to do this. But he will be here later today or tomorrow and I have no idea how to help him without sounding as though I'm trying to control his drinking as I know the next few weeks/months will be very difficult for him and I will be worried and anxious about him.
Do I just let him know I'm here if he wants to talk? do I not bring up his drinking when he is here? or do I tell him to stay away and let him be to get on with it? How is that detaching with love?
I was preparing myself for when he moved into his flat that he would drink daily and that hopefully by that time I would be able to let him get on with it and let him work this out himself and be here if he wanted to seek recovery. I'm not at the stage yet where I can sit at home and not worry about his drinking. I know he's in love with me he's told me many times but that he wants to drink more than be with me at the minute! As I have said previously he has fought this addiction for many many years. I can be strong at certain times but as I know he is going to spiral I'm not sure how to manage while looking after myself and the kids.
He has refused to think about what has happened to us and that he left so he can drink so he could focus on caring for his uncle which he also refused to consider that he was dying wouldn't think or deal with his emotions about anything. Will he continue to block everything out, us, his uncles death, by drinking??
Do I just let him know I'm here if he wants to talk? do I not bring up his drinking when he is here? or do I tell him to stay away and let him be to get on with it? How is that detaching with love?
I was preparing myself for when he moved into his flat that he would drink daily and that hopefully by that time I would be able to let him get on with it and let him work this out himself and be here if he wanted to seek recovery. I'm not at the stage yet where I can sit at home and not worry about his drinking. I know he's in love with me he's told me many times but that he wants to drink more than be with me at the minute! As I have said previously he has fought this addiction for many many years. I can be strong at certain times but as I know he is going to spiral I'm not sure how to manage while looking after myself and the kids.
He has refused to think about what has happened to us and that he left so he can drink so he could focus on caring for his uncle which he also refused to consider that he was dying wouldn't think or deal with his emotions about anything. Will he continue to block everything out, us, his uncles death, by drinking??
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I am sorry for your loss.
You can't do anything about it, as bad as it is. The problem with alcoholism is that when something like this happens, the A uses the drinking as the coping mechanism. So that is what he is probably going to do. And getting in the middle is going to make him resent you as well. You could just tell him that you are here if he needs you, and leave it at that, but I wouldn't bring drinking up at all while he has to deal with all of this emotional trauma.
You can't do anything about it, as bad as it is. The problem with alcoholism is that when something like this happens, the A uses the drinking as the coping mechanism. So that is what he is probably going to do. And getting in the middle is going to make him resent you as well. You could just tell him that you are here if he needs you, and leave it at that, but I wouldn't bring drinking up at all while he has to deal with all of this emotional trauma.
Sober since 10th April 2012
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Originally Posted by Confused39 
He has refused to think about what has happened to us and that he left so he can drink so he could focus on caring for his uncle which he also refused to consider that he was dying wouldn't think or deal with his emotions about anything. Will he continue to block everything out, us, his uncles death, by drinking??
My question to you is 'Why do you feel so desperate to help him?' He's left you and the kids so he can drink without restrictions. Why are you willing to participate in such a one-way relationship. Take him at his word. He's made his choice.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Telling him you are available if he needs to talk would be a very kind thing, Confused. I realize that what you want to do is build a protective, padded barrier around him so that he won't hurt, won't be triggered to drink.
In the long run, allowing him to experience and learn to deal with life's sorrows and pain in a healthy way is for his best. And that's what love is, the determination to do good for the beloved. His learning to deal with life on life's terms is for his good.
In the long run, allowing him to experience and learn to deal with life's sorrows and pain in a healthy way is for his best. And that's what love is, the determination to do good for the beloved. His learning to deal with life on life's terms is for his good.
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I suppose I'm desperate to help him because I love him and i have for 18 yrs!!! I want him to work through this and come home. I have always helped him through everything. I suppose I was hurt when he wouldn't let me help him with the funeral arrangements but I know that his uncle wanted him and his step father to sort that and he is honouring his last wish. But I'm hurt that he hasn't let me help him cope with caring for his uncle and won't talk to me he has always talked to me.
He has shut me out and now no matter what we have went through he has never shut me out before. I'm worried that now his uncle has passed he will tell me he doesn't love me and wants a divorce and that the only reason he hasn't told me before is that he couldn't deal with it!!! I know that sounds really paranoid and stupid but despite what he has put me through I love him and want him home. I know this sounds selfish that I am thinking about me but I would do anything for him to come home I honestly can't imagine my life without him I am scared of being on my own I'm scared that he will drink so much that he never gets help although I don't want our marriage to end I also want to help him!!
I know I have to let him sort this out on his own he has chosen drink over his family I suppose I'm struggling to detach from him I keep thinking of the times that he has told me he's in love with me and doesn't know what he wants but there are times when he's said he doesn't know how he feels but yet he left so he can drink. I'm all over the place today and completely freaking out I don't want to lose him!!
He has shut me out and now no matter what we have went through he has never shut me out before. I'm worried that now his uncle has passed he will tell me he doesn't love me and wants a divorce and that the only reason he hasn't told me before is that he couldn't deal with it!!! I know that sounds really paranoid and stupid but despite what he has put me through I love him and want him home. I know this sounds selfish that I am thinking about me but I would do anything for him to come home I honestly can't imagine my life without him I am scared of being on my own I'm scared that he will drink so much that he never gets help although I don't want our marriage to end I also want to help him!!
I know I have to let him sort this out on his own he has chosen drink over his family I suppose I'm struggling to detach from him I keep thinking of the times that he has told me he's in love with me and doesn't know what he wants but there are times when he's said he doesn't know how he feels but yet he left so he can drink. I'm all over the place today and completely freaking out I don't want to lose him!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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You may lose him. That is the reality. Once you understand fully that you never had any control over this, you will find some peace.
He left. He may be saying he loves you, but his actions are not showing it, right? For whatever reason he has made a choice. By continuing to get in the middle of his life, you are not letting him fully experience it.
Step away from the alcoholic.
He left. He may be saying he loves you, but his actions are not showing it, right? For whatever reason he has made a choice. By continuing to get in the middle of his life, you are not letting him fully experience it.
Step away from the alcoholic.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Confused39
I have always helped him through everything.
Refiner 
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Confused---sadly, he has told you--straightforward---that he wants to drink more than being with you or the kids. He is being amazingly frank and honest with you about this!! Most alcoholics won't admit this so directly. He is telling you who he is.
You say that he has struggled with the alcoholism for years and has great trouble facing his emotions, in general. It is predictable that he will follow with the same.
I agree with what inpieces said---that getting in the middle of what he wants will interfere with his drink--and, he will resent you mightily for this.
I know that this must be heartbreaking for you. This is why the first step--to admit that y ou are powerless over his alcoholism....is the hardest of all.
You are likely to grieve over this.
As seren said, and, I agree--that being there to talk if he wants to would be very kind. He does want to be on his own--to do what he wants without your interference.
Actually, you need more support, right n ow, than he does!!!!!!!!!!
He is going to numb his feelings with alcohol. You have the children to care for without anything to numb your feelings.
You need the help and support of those who understand what you are going through.
With much empathy,
dandylion
You say that he has struggled with the alcoholism for years and has great trouble facing his emotions, in general. It is predictable that he will follow with the same.
I agree with what inpieces said---that getting in the middle of what he wants will interfere with his drink--and, he will resent you mightily for this.
I know that this must be heartbreaking for you. This is why the first step--to admit that y ou are powerless over his alcoholism....is the hardest of all.
You are likely to grieve over this.
As seren said, and, I agree--that being there to talk if he wants to would be very kind. He does want to be on his own--to do what he wants without your interference.
Actually, you need more support, right n ow, than he does!!!!!!!!!!
He is going to numb his feelings with alcohol. You have the children to care for without anything to numb your feelings.
You need the help and support of those who understand what you are going through.
With much empathy,
dandylion
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Thanks. I just feel so lost confused and scared and all the reading I've done and believe me I've read lots doesn't help me to understand why some one would chose alcohol over those they love or help me to detach from someone who I love and want to spend my life with!! I am struggling to accept that he chose alcohol and not seek help to save his marriage and for his kids!!
He has just called I asked how he was and "he's grand he's not dealing with all the touchy freely stuff and just man up". That's y he's not dealing with anything including us!! I mean seriously man up! Anyway he said that he will be drinking maybe not tonight as he hasn't sleep since 12 midnight but plans on getting very drunk tomorrow night! I didn't say anything about it I just said well if you need me I'm here. I suppose that's all I can do I can't force him to deal with his emotions and feelings that's up to him. I will b here if he needs me but not if he's drinking and he will not be here drinking. I am determined that he will not be here drunk or drinking
He has just called I asked how he was and "he's grand he's not dealing with all the touchy freely stuff and just man up". That's y he's not dealing with anything including us!! I mean seriously man up! Anyway he said that he will be drinking maybe not tonight as he hasn't sleep since 12 midnight but plans on getting very drunk tomorrow night! I didn't say anything about it I just said well if you need me I'm here. I suppose that's all I can do I can't force him to deal with his emotions and feelings that's up to him. I will b here if he needs me but not if he's drinking and he will not be here drinking. I am determined that he will not be here drunk or drinking
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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confused--GOOD for you in being able--strong enough--to make the boundary of him not being there in the home drunk--and backing up that boundary!!!!! That is an accomplishment in itself. Give yourself credit.
That is a first step toward taking care of your and your kids welfare!!!!!!!!!
You will survive this!!!
dandylion
That is a first step toward taking care of your and your kids welfare!!!!!!!!!
You will survive this!!!
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Confused--I know that scared feeling. I have felt like that before...like the future looked so insurmountable. I have been so scared that I felt nauseated. But, I have learned that somehow---even if it can't be explained---things always work out. I am still alive and I am still here.
I believe that it was Winston Churchill who said----"The thing we have to fear is fear, itself."
you will survive this with the help of your friends and others who love you--and your own inner strength along with your higher power. We all have more courage than we think. It shows up at the exact moment we have to use it!! It is like a miracle!
dandylion
I believe that it was Winston Churchill who said----"The thing we have to fear is fear, itself."
you will survive this with the help of your friends and others who love you--and your own inner strength along with your higher power. We all have more courage than we think. It shows up at the exact moment we have to use it!! It is like a miracle!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Confused39
Some days I feel so anxious and scared I'm not sure I will survive!!
I know that feeling!!
Have you ever heard that saying, "When one door closes, another opens... but it's Hell in the Hallway"?
Welcome to the Hallway.
It will pass, it will get easier as you get stronger in your recovery. You are doing great at sticking to your boundaries!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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why some one would chose alcohol over those they love or help me to detach from someone who I love and want to spend my life with!!
alcoholism is a progressive disease.....the more and longer they keep drinking, the more changes happen. he's of the belief right now that alcohol is his FRIEND, his escape, his panacea. to him what he is doing makes perfect sense. his way of dealing with things is to NOT deal with them.
just cuz we love someone doesn't mean we get to keep them. nor does it mean they will stay with us. i'm sure if you look over the past 18 years you will see where things started to fray, disintegrate, fall apart. the distance has been growing.....emotionally first, and now physically. he does not have the capacity today to be a fully present fully invested partner.
alcoholism is a progressive disease.....the more and longer they keep drinking, the more changes happen. he's of the belief right now that alcohol is his FRIEND, his escape, his panacea. to him what he is doing makes perfect sense. his way of dealing with things is to NOT deal with them.
just cuz we love someone doesn't mean we get to keep them. nor does it mean they will stay with us. i'm sure if you look over the past 18 years you will see where things started to fray, disintegrate, fall apart. the distance has been growing.....emotionally first, and now physically. he does not have the capacity today to be a fully present fully invested partner.
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