antabuse working good except
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Time will tell what direction he will go. He has shown you the odds though. Maybe you could start the real estate thing up again! That is a great flexible job! It will take time ti build up but if you need it down the road your ready to take care of yourself! If things turn out for the better with your hubs well you have something just for you and a sence of freedom and independence！
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Sorry to hear your husband may have switched substances.
I lived with the stress of my husband being one failed drug test away from being fired. It helped me to have a back up plan just in case the worst happened. It also helped me to learn all I could about addiction.
The irritability is quite common when trying to quit. There were times the kids and I just did our own thing without Mr. Grouchypants.
Is your husband motivated to keep his job? Mine was for quite a while. Unfortunately his addiction progressed though until he only cared about drinking. Hopefully this won't happen to you.
I lived with the stress of my husband being one failed drug test away from being fired. It helped me to have a back up plan just in case the worst happened. It also helped me to learn all I could about addiction.
The irritability is quite common when trying to quit. There were times the kids and I just did our own thing without Mr. Grouchypants.
Is your husband motivated to keep his job? Mine was for quite a while. Unfortunately his addiction progressed though until he only cared about drinking. Hopefully this won't happen to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 95
It is quite sad that hubby has to sometimes rely on rides to and from work from his own teenage kids. My husband use to take a lot pride in his work as it is quite demanding and dangerous. But over the years that has slipped away. There is a lot of accepted drinking at his job but he crossed that line into unacceptable after a fist fight with a co-worker at a bar after work.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm so glad to hear you have a real estate license! So many people find themselves in poor circumstances having no formal work experience.
This is just great news. Is your license current?
My husband owned bars and restaurants. Familiar with drinking being part of the job
This is just great news. Is your license current?
My husband owned bars and restaurants. Familiar with drinking being part of the job
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
I'm sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to share my experience with the breathalyzer. I thought this thing would help - at least with me knowing for sure he was drinking. I knew of course but wanted proof. I also said if you show you have been drinking you are out. Well something that seemed so black and white wasn't for him...he'd say "it must be the cough syrup I took" "it's broken," etc..
So ridiculous. I did make him leave after he came home and showed alcohol in his system. That was two and a half months ago and I am so much healthier, so are my children. It gets better every day. The only time I'd use it now is if he wanted to drive my children.
It became so unhealthy and exhausting for me to try to control his drinking. Thank goodness I found the support and education here to realize I couldn't ever really control it.
I wish you the best. Please take care of yourself.
So ridiculous. I did make him leave after he came home and showed alcohol in his system. That was two and a half months ago and I am so much healthier, so are my children. It gets better every day. The only time I'd use it now is if he wanted to drive my children.
It became so unhealthy and exhausting for me to try to control his drinking. Thank goodness I found the support and education here to realize I couldn't ever really control it.
I wish you the best. Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Maggie,
I often feel out of control and in a losing battle with XAH's drinking and pot-smoking. My children are affected by it even if they aren't as aware of what the issue is as I am.
Unfortunately, my heightened awareness comes with heightened fear and anxiety and I find that the ONE thing that I can control is ME.
I know that the impact XAH's choices have on me is minimized when I work on strengthening MYSELF. For me this has meant:
1. securing employment
2. stashing away an emergency fund
3. getting the children and me involved in things that did not involve or include XAH; making sure that I had friends separately from him who were loyal to me, even if I didn't tell them everything.
4. Keeping my professional license active
5. Exercising for physical strength and mental clarity
6. finding joy where I could so that I had good thoughts to compete with my anxiety.
Making yourself stronger doesn't mean loving or supporting him any less. It just helps YOU cope with a long-term stressful situation.
I often feel out of control and in a losing battle with XAH's drinking and pot-smoking. My children are affected by it even if they aren't as aware of what the issue is as I am.
Unfortunately, my heightened awareness comes with heightened fear and anxiety and I find that the ONE thing that I can control is ME.
I know that the impact XAH's choices have on me is minimized when I work on strengthening MYSELF. For me this has meant:
1. securing employment
2. stashing away an emergency fund
3. getting the children and me involved in things that did not involve or include XAH; making sure that I had friends separately from him who were loyal to me, even if I didn't tell them everything.
4. Keeping my professional license active
5. Exercising for physical strength and mental clarity
6. finding joy where I could so that I had good thoughts to compete with my anxiety.
Making yourself stronger doesn't mean loving or supporting him any less. It just helps YOU cope with a long-term stressful situation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi Maggies,
I just wanted to send you some hugs and tell you that I'm glad you are continuing to post here on SR. It is VERY exhausting to deal with the situation you are in. It takes up so much time, energy and effort. Please remember to also take care of yourself too. So many times we get so wrapped up in our loved ones issues, we end up forgetting up our own needs and our own well-being. I hope things get better for you and your family.
Hugs
I just wanted to send you some hugs and tell you that I'm glad you are continuing to post here on SR. It is VERY exhausting to deal with the situation you are in. It takes up so much time, energy and effort. Please remember to also take care of yourself too. So many times we get so wrapped up in our loved ones issues, we end up forgetting up our own needs and our own well-being. I hope things get better for you and your family.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Absolutely, Stella! You nailed it!
When I first started to become aware of the problems with my A husband, and learning about recovery, I had a very hard time understanding boundary-setting and "detaching with love." It sounded to me like everyone was just talking about abandoning my husband to fend for himself. Obviously, I couldn't DO that because 1) I loved him and he really deserved my help, 2) I had vowed to stand by him in sickness and in health, and 3) he wasn't the only one who was going to pay the consequences of his actions if I didn't step in and do damage control!
The change in my thinking was gradual, but I finally did understand that none of my helping was appreciated, nor actually helpful. All it was doing was building a wall of resentment between us - actually, two walls of resentment (his and mine). I realized that what he deserved was the ability to make his own choices, as the adult he was, and I was getting in the way of that. I was willing to see how changing my behavior toward his addiction might actually be honoring him as my husband more than what I had been doing (trying to control him like he was a naughty toddler), but I still wasn't willing to face his consequences with him.
So, the question became... How can I protect myself from his consequences so that I feel less stress and am better able to offer loving support (without enabling his addiction)? This is a sincerely tricky thing to do, but Stella has given some really good suggestions. As you put some of these into practice, I'm sure you will identify other areas of your life that need protecting from your husband's consequences and you will define appropriate boundaries to help you do that.
Wishing you strength and peace, Maggies. This is a hard road, but it's nice to know we aren't traveling alone.
Fathom
When I first started to become aware of the problems with my A husband, and learning about recovery, I had a very hard time understanding boundary-setting and "detaching with love." It sounded to me like everyone was just talking about abandoning my husband to fend for himself. Obviously, I couldn't DO that because 1) I loved him and he really deserved my help, 2) I had vowed to stand by him in sickness and in health, and 3) he wasn't the only one who was going to pay the consequences of his actions if I didn't step in and do damage control!
The change in my thinking was gradual, but I finally did understand that none of my helping was appreciated, nor actually helpful. All it was doing was building a wall of resentment between us - actually, two walls of resentment (his and mine). I realized that what he deserved was the ability to make his own choices, as the adult he was, and I was getting in the way of that. I was willing to see how changing my behavior toward his addiction might actually be honoring him as my husband more than what I had been doing (trying to control him like he was a naughty toddler), but I still wasn't willing to face his consequences with him.
So, the question became... How can I protect myself from his consequences so that I feel less stress and am better able to offer loving support (without enabling his addiction)? This is a sincerely tricky thing to do, but Stella has given some really good suggestions. As you put some of these into practice, I'm sure you will identify other areas of your life that need protecting from your husband's consequences and you will define appropriate boundaries to help you do that.
Wishing you strength and peace, Maggies. This is a hard road, but it's nice to know we aren't traveling alone.
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
maggies,
For just a minute here, can we talk about something else? I don't want to talk about drunk husbands or if they stop drinking, or anything like that. I want you to take a minute to think about something else.
How do you really feel about him? I am talking about emotionally and sexually and I guess relationship wise. Is this what you expected and wanted in your life?
I am not going to discuss how and what you are doing, because you see, I did nothing.
My ex is/was/whatever, an alcoholic. I never really knew how I felt about anything because I was always caught up in the new drama of the day. I never really got a chance to feel how I felt about me, and my own life.
I am asking you to just give yourself a break, give yourself a gift, whether it is for a day or 2, get out of there and just think about what you want, what you need. How and what do you need to be happy?
See, I can't tell you how to get your H to stop drinking. I never learned that. What I did learn was that I no longer knew what I wanted. I was so involved with the day in, day out stuff, I wasn't thinking of me anymore. Even when I was thinking of me, it was always how I can try to stop his drinking, his bad behavior, and then we could be happy.
It wasn't about me. It was about him. I became a person who was dependent on how he was to determine how I was.
I am just asking you to please take a day, and just think about you.
For just a minute here, can we talk about something else? I don't want to talk about drunk husbands or if they stop drinking, or anything like that. I want you to take a minute to think about something else.
How do you really feel about him? I am talking about emotionally and sexually and I guess relationship wise. Is this what you expected and wanted in your life?
I am not going to discuss how and what you are doing, because you see, I did nothing.
My ex is/was/whatever, an alcoholic. I never really knew how I felt about anything because I was always caught up in the new drama of the day. I never really got a chance to feel how I felt about me, and my own life.
I am asking you to just give yourself a break, give yourself a gift, whether it is for a day or 2, get out of there and just think about what you want, what you need. How and what do you need to be happy?
See, I can't tell you how to get your H to stop drinking. I never learned that. What I did learn was that I no longer knew what I wanted. I was so involved with the day in, day out stuff, I wasn't thinking of me anymore. Even when I was thinking of me, it was always how I can try to stop his drinking, his bad behavior, and then we could be happy.
It wasn't about me. It was about him. I became a person who was dependent on how he was to determine how I was.
I am just asking you to please take a day, and just think about you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
PS ---- time ran out and I couldn't add this in to the other post.
I just think that you are a terrific, lovable, intelligent, and don't know how this will come across, stubborn person. I was also stubborn. To me that is an attribute.
Once I figured out that drug, alcohol, or even a mental illness was more then what I could deal with, I didn't know that I could do it, but I did.
I left. I do have my own home now, got it cheap, it was a foreclosure, needed work, but so did I. We are both healing together. I wish the same for you.
I just think that you are a terrific, lovable, intelligent, and don't know how this will come across, stubborn person. I was also stubborn. To me that is an attribute.
Once I figured out that drug, alcohol, or even a mental illness was more then what I could deal with, I didn't know that I could do it, but I did.
I left. I do have my own home now, got it cheap, it was a foreclosure, needed work, but so did I. We are both healing together. I wish the same for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Time ran out again, before I could formulate all of my thoughts again. Wanted to say that I have the utmost respect for you. You won't give up on someone. I didn't want to, till I had to. Will be here for you through your ups and downs.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
"Smart people learn from their mistakes, but the real sharp ones learn from the mistakes of others."--Brandon Mull
If all it took to cure alcoholism was Antabuse and a breathalyzer, there would be no need for AA, Alanon, or this forum.
If all it took to cure alcoholism was Antabuse and a breathalyzer, there would be no need for AA, Alanon, or this forum.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Just found this in my "subscribed threads" list. Maggies, if you have not seen this, I suggest you read it. It may shed a whole new light on what people here are trying to say when they reply to you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
honeypig - thank you for that link. I had somehow missed that post in the stickeys but it was a great read. I would bump it but it is an old, closed thread.
ETA - Oh, I see it was a stickey on the F&F Substance Abuse forum - I don't think I've gotten through all of those yet!
ETA - Oh, I see it was a stickey on the F&F Substance Abuse forum - I don't think I've gotten through all of those yet!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
FireSprite, I wanted to bump that thread also, but it's not in our same section of the forum and it's a stickie, so the best I could do was post the link. Maybe we can ask that it be stickied into our section also? It surely seems to apply to us here, too!
Glad you found it useful. I surely do, and I hope others do as well.
Glad you found it useful. I surely do, and I hope others do as well.
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