netta1966

For about a month now, i've been staying at my mother's house since my husband went on a drunken rage. Since that time, he started going to AA meetings and i would go with him to the Open meetings. We see each other almost everyday. He seemed to be doing a little better, had a couple day relapses. I've attended some Al Anon meetings. Over the weekend, he was acting kinda strange (like dry drunk) on Friday with an attitude. The next night, he decided to hit the bars. The next day, i took him to his AA meeting and he had a really bad hangover which is when he confessed to his relapse again. He said he really wants to get sober. Well, since that time, he's been going back to his meetings but i don't feel that he's really involved, no sponsor yet.. Since I separated from him, he seemed to understand we needed time apart. Well, just last night, he copped an attitude about me being gone over a month and that he needs a wife and threatened me with a divorce. I didn't respond with anger but tried to explain to him i needed more time. i'm not comfortable going home right now. He's not shown me that he's recovering yet. I just feel that when i return home , he'll go back to his drinking again. Am i doing wrong? I'm so worried and really sad. He's making me feel like its my fault and i've abandoned him. Can anyone offer me some advice or has been thru this?

Thank you.

Mountainmanbob

I don't see any wrong in your actions

caution
drunks such as myself when drinking
try to blame everyone else for their problems
don't buy into his story

MB

LexieCat

I wouldn't worry about his going back to drinking--he has never really quit. He's just stayed "dry" for patches of time.

My suggestion? Stay where you are, quit going to meetings with him. Concentrate on your own recovery. Are you going to Al-Anon? It will do you a lot more good than sitting in open meetings with him.

For him, having you accompany him to meetings is a show--a way to demonstrate that he's serious about quitting drinking. Which, obviously, he isn't. If he were, he wouldn't be still drinking and trying to coerce you into coming home. He would be doing all the stuff he's supposed to do.

It isn't your place to tell him to get a sponsor, work the steps, etc. It's the place of other AA members to do that. But if you are attached to him at every meeting, he never has to mingle with them and hear the hard stuff they have to tell him.

Wavy

You absolutely have done nothing wrong. You are being wise to protect yourself by needing to see evidence of a change before you jump right back in there. Just like he can't make you feel comfortable going back if he's still drinking, you can't make him really want to stop drinking and wholly embrace recovery. One thing I see people here say is to work your recovery like you'd like to see him work his. That way you get better and, if he wants to see it, you are providing a strong model for what getting healthy looks like. You don't have to go down with the ship, but you already know that because you took the strong and healthy steps of moving out of harm's way. So focus on yourself, go to AlAnon meetings regularly, get yourself a sponsor and don't worry about whether he has one or not, that is his responsibility. He will only recover when he decides he wants it enough, tough tho that is to realise. How much do YOU want to recover?

m1k3

Hi Netta, one of the first things I learned here was the 3 Cs.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

Once I really understood this, that I had nothing to do with my AW's drinking or recovery it set me free to really start to work on my self.

Living with an alcoholic can do terrible things to your thinking, emotions and self esteem. Letting go of her problems allowed me to work on mine. I highly recommend sticking with the al-anon meetings and looking into mindfulness as a way to quiet the noise and crazy voices in your head. I know it worked well for me.

Taking care of yourself is not doing something wrong, it is one of the smartest things you can do.

Your friend,

Mike

netta1966

Update: I'm continuing to go to Al Anon and I didn't feel the need to have accompany him to his AA meetings. But the sad part is , he's hasn't been going to his meetings and is active in his drinking. I haven't been home with him in over a month now and he asked me when i was coming back. I told him i didn't know. Why do i feel guilty now? By me not coming back home, would that be the reason he stopped attending AA's and drinking again? I did everything for him, cooked, washed his clothes but i wouldn't have minded if he didn't drink at times and act beligerent. It got to be too much. My mind tells me i didn't cause him to retract back (the 3 c's i keep saying to myself) but my heart feels like I did cause this. I'm just really sad right now and feel completely lost. I appreciate everyone's posts. They are helping me see what i cannot see on my own.

Netta

LexieCat

No, your not being at home, not taking him to AA meeting, or anything else you are doing/not doing has nothing to do with his drinking.

As I said before, it doesn't sound to me as if he wanted to get sober at all. It sounds to me as if he went to a few meetings to make a show of recovery so you would come home. If you go home right now, you will be going back to what you left before, a raging drunk.

Keep doing what you're doing. Stuff will become clearer as you move ahead in your own recovery. It's a great gift you are giving yourself. Keep it up!

netta1966

Thanks Lexie. You are right. It's just hard to take in the truth right now. I believe too that each day will make things more clearer. Its sad because i really love him and worry so much.

Recovering2

He was "attending" AA before, but was also still drinking. So he wasn't making a true effort at recovery when you were there. You stepping back and focusing on your own recovery hasn't changed anything, it's just given him an excuse. Don't allow yourself to get caught in the blame game. He has to want sobriety for himself, not for anyone else. If he can't do that then you are better off away from him.

CarryOn

You're making progress, even if it doesn't feel like it. Keep up with the meetings and take care of yourself - focus on yourself. A little distance is a good thing.

I can tell you where I'm at...RAH has been out of the house for 4.5 months, and is around 80 days sober.

I told my RAH he was out of the house when he returned from a work trip in March. He attended one week at an Intensive Outpatient Program in April. He would tell me he had quit, but he couldn't get past two weeks of not drinking before he would start up again, so he basically just became a binge drinker. He started to go to AA in May when he was approaching another two week "hump", and that seemed to help him get through. He's focused on exercising and finding better outlets for his energy. He started counseling last week.

It takes time. One thing I have to remember is I started on my recovery last November, he didn't really start his until May so things are not going to happen in the time frame that I would like them to. AND, I take care of myself. I work which takes a lot of time, and attend both Al-Anon and counseling. I also try to accept every invite to get out of the house and be social, started playing piano again, read a lot, work on household projects, etc.

I'm not yet sure what the future holds, but for now I take each day as it comes. RAH knows he cannot come home until he's been through counseling, has new coping strategies, is working a program, and we have been through some counseling together. I am definitely more hopeful for our relationship now than I was several weeks ago. Regardless of what he does, I know with complete certainty that I will be okay.

Sasha4

He 'needs a wife' ?!!!!

What is this the 1920's?!!!!!

netta1966

My husband is now playing the "blame game." He's been going to AA meetings about 40 cause he's counting but hasn't managed to stay sober for two weeks. He'll skip a day or two and go to the bar. I'm haven't come back over 2 months now but we were getting along fine while he was going to AA. Now, he's blaming me cause im not there and he's lonely and thats why he's going to the bar. Also, he'll ring my cell after midnight and leave me drunk messages. I'm still going to Al Anon and i felt like it was really helping now i'm feeling like i'm back to where I've started. Guilty, scared and continuous worry, my serenity has been disrupted. By me leaving my household, have I abandoned a sick person? I know I'm doing the right thing for myself, i hope. If I were to go back home to please him, i know things won't change. Please any advise?

Thanks, Netta

netta1966

My husband is now playing the "blame game." He's been going to AA meetings about 40 cause he's counting but hasn't managed to stay sober for two weeks. He'll skip a day or two and go to the bar. I'm haven't come back over 2 months now but we were getting along fine while he was going to AA. Now, he's blaming me cause im not there and he's lonely and thats why he's going to the bar. Also, he'll ring my cell after midnight and leave me drunk messages. I'm still going to Al Anon and i felt like it was really helping now i'm feeling like i'm back to where I've started. Guilty, scared and continuous worry, my serenity has been disrupted. By me leaving my household, have I abandoned a sick person? I know I'm doing the right thing for myself, i hope. If I were to go back home to please him, i know things won't change. Please any advise?

Thanks, Netta

Recovering2

He drinks because he's an alcoholic. Period. He doesn't drink because of anything you do or don't do. Until he owns it, he will continue to blame you. Just because he says it..doesn't make it true. Don't listen to what he says, watch what he does. In 2 months he still has not stopped drinking. Until he stops blaming you, and makes a SERIOUS effort at sobriety, this will not change. Someone who wants recovery for themself will do it no matter what.
You didn't abandon him, it's not your job to take care of him. You're not his Mom. He is an adult. Turn off the cell, don't respond to the drunk messages. As long as he has you on the hook, he will continue to do what he does.

netta1966

i needed to hear this. thanks

netta1966

I just don't know what to say to him when he's sober. We work right next door to each other and my stuff is still at the house. I go by there to visit our cat and feed him because my AH doesn't do a very good job of it. Its very hard right now. Part of me wants to just give up on him and completely move out and the other part is praying and hoping he will reach that point of surrender and really get help. If it wasn't for this site and Al anon, i would probably shut down myself and stay in bed. Thanks again.

netta1966

Alcoholism is draining me. This "act" he's putting on is getting old. The only good part is he's sober and going to meetings which is the only time i can stand to be around him. I went by the house today and he was drinking i could tell, but no bottle to be seen. Then he proceeded to cry, blame me again for not being there when he needs me, was acting like a complete a$$ which is the reason i left and refused to continue talking to him. But he managed to do it again, make me feel guilty. But i'm trying to regain my thoughts and serenity. My next move may have to be a permanent one cause I can't continue with this rollercoaster ride. I needed to post this because i have no one else to talk to that understands what I'm going thru. Thank you all for listening and posting. Netta

BoxinRotz

He's not sober if he's drinking.

And here's the thing... his thinking is WARPED! He was obviously drinking when you were together and that's why you left right? And he's still drinking now. So why go back? So he can drink some more?

Doesn't sound right does it?

You did the right thing for you netta. You have to remember that. Alcoholism is a very selfish disease. It keeps the drinker from taking on the responsibilities of being a decent human being and dealing with normal human emotions that we all feel from time to time.

You did not cause this. Don't take the brunt of this because he wants you to feel the blame and guilt. This is his fault that he's wifeless.

netta1966

BoxinRotz, you are so right. It's just up and down emotionally for me still even when he's not in my face. I hold on to hope when he's going to his AA meetings but it's sad cause he can't go an entire week without drinking one day. Will the man I married and loved ever come back? I can't help but pity him cause he cries not to be this way. I know there are many who recover but i'm thinking now he's not want of them that can.

Thanks, Netta

NWGRITS

An alcoholic is never going to be the person they were before they took that first drink. In another thread someone recalled a story about a nurse or doctor telling them something along the lines of, "Imagine you're a cucumber. Alcoholics are pickles. Alcohol pickles the brain and a pickle can never return to being a cucumber." I hope that's a decent enough analogy for you to comprehend what is happening to your AH. You will never get him back in his original form. That doesn't mean he's going to be a total stranger, but things have changed. Depending on the length of time that he drinks, the changes will be more obvious and widespread. That's if he ever truly gets sober.