antabuse working good except

Old 04-07-2014, 07:33 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by maggies View Post
The alcoholics are always sorry and their apologies seem so genuine. Yet the same drunken incidents will happen again and again.
Not quite.

We NEVER get an apology. For ANYTHING.

FIL finally explained it to me one day last year . . . . [Mrs. Hammer] rarely says "Thank You," and NEVER says "I am sorry."

He could have told me that about 12 years ago . . . .
Hammer is offline  
Old 04-08-2014, 04:57 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
Member
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by maggies View Post
Thank you everyone. I tend to get very defensive of my family issues with my won family also. It is what it is I guess. I'm taking small steps to get out of the situation though.
Second time I am posting this reply-- the first one didn't appear I guess...

I get being defensive about your family. Completely. I was/am the same...

As a mom we want to keep our kids safe, and as a spouse we want to believe the effort we put into salvaging our marriage will pay out in the end... And having others question what we are doing as a parent, and spouse is hard to hear. I get it and I understand getting defensive and don't blame you.

Just know that not everyone's approach to being supportive looks or sounds the same (I personally found it useful that there were different perspectives and thought it was valuable but maybe that's changed).

Something that was said to me when I took umbrage with some things ssaid to me that I did not like was "Take what you want and leave the rest".

That used to be expressed a lot here by someone (can't remember who the poster was-- sorry!) and it was helpful for me to remember that when I didn't like the way something was said...

I do know that ultimately it was the combination of voices and experiences and ways of saying things that were most helpful to me and I hope that you'll continue to come here and find support from everyone who is willing to give it even if it comes in a variety of ways...

Even if in the moment it isn't how or what you want to hear, trust that we all care and are concerned and that everyone here has been through the wringer and maybe the emotion you hear in posts is just that some of us want to help those who are newer here possibly avoid going down the same path we did...

Take care.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 04-08-2014, 05:04 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Not quite.

We NEVER get an apology. For ANYTHING.

FIL finally explained it to me one day last year . . . . [Mrs. Hammer] rarely says "Thank You," and NEVER says "I am sorry."

He could have told me that about 12 years ago . . . .
Would you have listened or heeded the advice?
MissFixit is offline  
Old 04-08-2014, 05:07 AM
  # 64 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by maggies View Post
Thank you everyone. I tend to get very defensive of my family issues with my won family also. It is what it is I guess. I'm taking small steps to get out of the situation though.
Good for you for seeing and recognizing that. Things that cause friction and difficulty for your relationships are things you can work on especially in therapy. Therapist can help you identify why and figure new and better ways to cope. Nothing is in stone.

When is the appointment?
MissFixit is offline  
Old 04-08-2014, 05:14 AM
  # 65 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by maggies View Post
I guess I have to admit that his drinking 24/7 is a type of abuse. As he cannot be a good father. He has never been physically violent with us and when he kicked the dog was rather shocking. He doesn't even remember the incident but of course he was sorry. That is a common theme I hear. The alcoholics are always sorry and their apologies seem so genuine. Yet the same drunken incidents will happen again and again.
Alcoholism progresses. That is one of the biggest problems with it and makes it hard to understand how serious the situation is. It won't stay in the current bad state, it will get progress lower and lower, worse and worse. That is the nature of addiction.

The good news is that you are opening your eyes now and seeing that it is not normal or healthy for you, your kids or the dog. That is a BIG step. Stepping out of denial. One day (long ways down the road) you might even look back at yourself and laugh at "what was I thinking!" I definitely do that now.
MissFixit is offline  
Old 04-08-2014, 05:23 AM
  # 66 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thinking's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 87
You really are a fighter, Maggie. Hold on to that - it will get you through.

You are going through such a lot and you have such genuine worries for the welfare of your family. When I read your posts, I see two different issues. One is how you and your children can be happy and secure, emotionally and financially. The other is whether your relationship with your A will continue.

The sad fact is that financially you tied yourself to someone who isn't very responsible. So through no fault of yours, you have to pay some of the price for his irresponsibility. It seems to me that this is your most urgent problem to solve. You are a smart woman and you have told us that you have some resources to help you get employment. Your A needs to sink a bit lower before he is ready to quit. So please think about rescuing you and your children before the finances get worse. Is there a debt advice centre who can help you separate yourself financially from him?
Thinking is offline  
Old 04-08-2014, 07:23 AM
  # 67 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
((HUGS)) Maggie. I totally understand the defensiveness about the family, too. I can see in your responses that you are working through some of this in your own mind, at your own pace, and that is what recovery is all about. As co-dependents and loved ones of addicts, we very naturally assume a highly defensive posture that starts to infect every aspect of our lives. I believe you mentioned that your own family of origin has distanced themselves from you because of your AH's addiction. No wonder you are defensive, and just want support without judgment! That is, I think, a totally normal reaction given what you live with. I will say, though, that my experience here has shown me that the repetitiveness of the statements does not come from a place of judgment. I promise you that NOBODY here has a right to judge you about your choices. It comes, I think, as a response to what appeared at first to be your absolute certainty that your AH isn't abusive (though you very wisely later stated that his constant drinking IS in itself abusive, which I totally agree with), and that his behaviors don't affect your kids. Those of us who have been working recovery programs for awhile know the tremendous shame and guilt that comes with the eventual realizations that our qualifiers ARE abusive in many ways, and that their behaviors DO affect our kids. I don't believe we are judging you...I think we are trying to share our own experience in the hopes that it will bring you to those realizations a little sooner, sparing you and your kids as much emotional harm as possible. But I also know that we are all very different people, with our own emotional backstories and contexts, so of course we all react differently when someone says something that we don't agree with, or we doubt, or we don't want to believe, or we think is judgmental. The most important thing is that you keep reading, keep learning, keep coming back, and keep working on yourself.

I also thought I was shielding my daughters (who are from my first marriage) from my AH's disease (he is their stepfather). Right up until my 14-year old daughter told me that sometimes she wishes he would die. And then I was hit with a tidal wave of guilt, for all of the times I convinced myself that my AH's actions didn't affect my children.

It can be very difficult, especially in our early recoveries, to balance the need to love yourself and be gentle with yourself, with the need to be honest with yourself about the realities of addiction and your total lack of control over it. Just keep doing the best you can, and keep trying to get help for YOU. I am glad you are looking in therapy. I am a firm believer in how much it can benefit people.

Your AH and my AH sound a lot alike: demanding, dangerous jobs in an industry where addiction/drinking is rampant. I don't envy an addict's road to recovery. I can't imagine how terribly difficult and heartbreaking the journey to sobriety is. I do know that it is my AH's responsibility to get sober, and nobody else is to blame for his drinking or his disease. But I also know that the environment he works in certainly does not HELP his disease at all, and that adds an extra level of frustration. I would imagine the same is true for your husband. My AH follows a lot of the same behavior patterns as yours. Like you, I can quite literally write the script for pretty much everything he says and done, based on where he is in his personal cycle of addiction. I used to obsess about it constantly. Now it is just a low-level awareness in the back of my mind of where we happen to be in the cycle.

((HUGS)) again to you.
Wisconsin is offline  
Old 04-08-2014, 09:52 AM
  # 68 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello Maggies...I just wanted to drop in to encourage you. It takes a while to wrap your mind around all of it. It is great you are slowly becoming aware. As I once said to someone else, this is not a marathon, it's your life. You have to take actions at your own pace. Counseling and support groups are amazing, and SR had loads of wisdom.

I hope you have some peace today.

God Bless!
hopeful4 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:13 PM.