maggies

seren, thank you. I'm a bit taken aback by some of the responses. I will be blunt also in saying that I'm not leaving my husband. He is a good earner and family man when sober. I do have to admit I hate hiding my keys so he doesn't take off to the bars or liquor store. My 4 year is asking me why daddy looks funny and why he drinks so many "daddy juices" from the fridge. The last time he tried going on the wagon after a serious binge he had a seizure on the bath room floor. I really need to get him to a hospital. He continues walking to the liquor store when it opens and hauling back a 30pack. If he gets fired I'm not sure what we would do. I am interested in Alanon meetings but feel so ashamed. I'd rather have this problem stay in the family. But i suppose it doesn't matter cause his last dui arrest was in the paper and everyone knows.

BoxinRotz

You need to get a job and pick up his slack if you're going to stay with him.

Like it or not, that's your reality. He won't be a good supporter n bread winner jobless. Hopefully you can be.

lillamy

If he is capable of kicking a defenseless animal, you and the children are not safe.

MissFixit

Hi Maggie,

Don't feel ashamed about going to al anon, everyone there has had their lives harmed by an alcoholic. That is one group of people who can help you understand some basic stuff about dealing w and alcoholic.

It sounds like you are just starting to realize the magnitude of your husband's alcoholism. It is not going away and will not get better. He has to use programs like AA to discover how (and even if he can) manage his disease. The first step for him is admitting he has a problem, sounds like he is not there. The first step for you is admitting that your life has become unmanageable. If you are here on this site, it is for a reason. He has a lot of drinking incidents that most people who see as red flags for them to stop drinking, he doesn't or won't. How are you going to proceed?

My suggestion is that you start reading up on alcoholism read the "sticky" threads at the top of the screen. There are a couple books I suggest Melody Beattie "Codependent No More" and Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That." These books will help you understand your relationship dynamic and perhaps help you see why you are with an alcoholic.

Keep posting and keep an open mind.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, maggies. Glad you found us here. It might not seem like it to you right now, but this is a very supportive, very caring community. Everyone here has had their life affected by an alcoholic, and the wisdom and experience offered is hard-won. I hope you can keep an open mind and benefit from what you find posted on the forums.

I'd like to echo the suggestions to read the stickied threads at the top of the page. Here's one that you might find helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...self-test.html This might be another: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

I'd also like to suggest that you read as much in the forums here as you possibly can. Educating yourself about alcoholism will help you a great deal as you go forward. You'll likely see yourself in a lot of the situations--know that you're not alone. Also know that, as they say in Alanon, you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it (and neither can he), and you can't cure it. No one can tell you whether to leave him or not, but they surely can offer a lot of good advice on how to keep your sanity and how to protect yourself, your kids and your dog. Whether he ever seeks recovery is solely up to him, but you absolutely can seek your own recovery regardless of what he does.

Alanon can be a wonderful source of both information as well as support; if you'd like to check out a meeting here's a link to help you find one: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Alanon is not about your A. It is about you. Many of us here have found help thru Alanon. Some also like Celebrate Recovery--that would be another option for you.

Please do realize that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will only get worse as time passes. Again, reading the posts of others here will give you an idea of what will be in your future with this man--educating yourself about that will help you make decisions as time goes on. Also be aware of the impact on your children. There is a forum section here for the Adult Children of Alcoholic/Addicted Parents. You might want to take a look there if you doubt that his drinking is affecting the entire family.

Wow, this got really long--but I hope you've taken the time to read thru it and I really hope that you're able to spend some time here w/us. I know it's a lot to take in right now, but gradually your path will become clearer.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

lillamy

I'm sorry if my first response was curt and harsh. I didn't mean it to be. I'm just worried about you and the children.

wanttobehealthy

It doesn't sound like he is a good family man or sober often... And abusing an animal in front of the kids is abusive toward the dog and the kids.

And if your 4 year old is asking why he acts funny and needs so many daddy juices that is a red flag that your child even finds this abnormal.

What happens when he gets a 6th DUI with your kids in the car or harms someone while driving drunk?

AnvilheadII

He is a good earner and family man when sober.

in jail for his 5th DUI, job already on the line, drinking up to 30 beers a day - exactly when does SOBER happen? you have to hide your keys, your FOUR year old knows he drinks too much. the family dog has now been terrorized. sadly, it will only get worse.

not one person here said you SHOULD leave......but everyone has expressed deep concern and support for you and the children. i know you are worried about what others think...but hon, the secret is already OUT. his job knows, it's been in the paper, people can see him heading off the liquor store as soon as it opens and lugging back a 30 pack. don't carry shame that is not yours. you didn't cause this, you can't cure this and you can't control this.

Refiner

Unfortunately I know alcoholics that don't even get a wake-up call when they wake up in the basement. At 5 DUI's and losing jobs, I would think he's already in the basement. Scary that he doesn't see it that way. Makes you wonder just how much further it's going to go e.g. someone loses their life.

Refiner

We are merely pointing out the obvious. You need to protect your kids, your dog, your self. With him no longer being the "good earner" and "family man when sober", what are you left with that makes you stay?

littlefish

Welcome maggies: I'm so sorry to hear about the violence in your home, (I consider physically abusing animals a form of domestic violence), and all the disappointment your husbands drinking causes.

I sense that you are not informed about the nature of this disease and the nature of codependency: the stickies on this site are a wealth of information! Do you think you might be lowering the bar on the definition of a good family man? Because in codependency we lower the bar again and again until we accept just about anything.

The problem is that while we are lowering it, the alcoholic is lowering it even further: demanding the acceptance of more and more inappropriate behavior, over and over again. You can guess where it will end up.

This is a progressive disease that only gets worse. I am a recovered alcoholic and I shudder to think of how comfortable I became with those lowered bars..

9111111

Hi Maggie, all the stuff that's happening in your life and all the advice here is probably a lot for you to stomach. I remember being taken aback and needing space after some of the advice I got. There was a lot of wisdom but I needed time.Change doesn't happen over night.

I'm sorry for what you and your little one and the puppy are going through. It is not easy to have to depend on an alcoholic financially or in any other way, while little people and furry friends depend on you. It can put a lot of responsibility on your shoulders.

I recently attended a talk where they were discussing ways of raising happy and healthy children. One advice that really stuck with me was to teach children to figure out when they need help, and to ask for it.

Considering Alanon and coming here for advice is a very brave move.
I was terrified and full of shame and guilt when I started reaching out for help, but the more I understood the easier it got. Things can get better.

Thank you for being a role model for your little one, please keep coming back. We understand and it's great to have you here.

atalose

When someone we love’s drinking has become such a problem in our lives that we reach out for help – usually in our minds that help is to learn how to GET THEM TO STOP DRINKING or how to get them into a rehab a program etc.

We become disheartened when we hear there is nothing we can do except to help ourselves. Often we keep trying other avenues to hear what we are looking to hear – HOW TO GET THEM TO STOP DRINKING.

Similar to when someone hears they have cancer and then they want a 2nd or 3rd or
4th opinion all of which are basically the same. At some point in time a sad realization comes over us and we accept the unacceptable reality.

And then that’s where OUR recovery can begin.

I hope you stick around and I hope you learn as much as you can about alcoholism.

((hugs))

maggies

I had to take hubby to hospital today. He wasn't able to keep any alcohol down and was shaking like a leave. I am praying they will keep him for detox. He has been to rehab about 10 or 11 times so I'm not sure if they will send him again? The house is a complete mess with empty beer cans everywhere. I feel like a failure.

honeypig

Maggies, so glad to see you back today, and so sorry for your stressful day. I don't understand why YOU would feel like a failure, though--can you explain? As we've all said, you didn't Cause his alcoholism, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. You've been taken along for a horrible ride, but as you learn more about alcoholism, you'll learn that you DO have options.

suki44883

Oh, maggies, I'm so sorry this is happening. I hope they keep him, too.

The thing is though, if he's been to rehab so many times, it appears there's nothing another stint in rehab will do for him unless he wants recovery. From everything you've written, it doesn't sound like he does. He denies he is an alcoholic at all. I'm sorry, but it sounds like he is a VERY sick man. If he doesn't get some real help soon, you might find yourself a widow. I'm sorry. (((HUGS)))

9111111

Maggies, I second what everybody else here says, and I'm glad your husband is safe and receiving professional care for now.

Many of us have seen rooms and houses covered in empties. It happens.
How are you and the little one doing? It there anyone there for you?
We are all here.

maggies

suki, I agree that his treatments are useless if he doesn't admit a problem. He believes that he has a drinking and driving problem but not really a drinking problem. I plan on taking the empties to the junkyard and get some money for them at least. I doubt the hospital will keep him because hes very skillful at telling them what they want to hear. When I yelled at him about the dog incident, he didn't even remember.

Carlotta

good plan and use yourself to do something for you. Buy a cd you wanted or some make up or whatever will make you feel good.
Welcome to SR, there is a lot of wisdom on this board and as a newbie I guess it can be a little bit overwhelming and you might hear things you don't want to hear. Just know that it comes from a place of love and concern. We have been (and some are still going through it).
Definitely check Al Anon, there is no shame about taking care of yourself. Alcoholism is a disease which dwells in shame: the shame of the alcoholic and the shame of his loved ones. From shame comes secrets, silence and isolation which makes for fertile grounds for the disease. You took a good step opening up and joining SR. I hope you'll come back everyday. His drinking made you sick too and you need to recover. Recovery does not happen overnight, it is a process and sometimes it is taking two steps forward and a step backward.
Anyway, just know that you are not alone anymore. I also hope that you will check out the daily reading "Courage To Change". I post it everyday (times vary though and I am on the West Coast).
Here is the link for today's: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4560696

BlueChair

We had to intervene with my husband because he was too sick to realize he needed rehab. If we hadn’t done this Im certain he would be dead now. Look in your area for intervention services, check with some local rehabs. The thing is drinking 30 cans a day and his mind is messed up, once he is detoxed and stops he will think more clear and maybe make the genuine decision on his own “yeah I need this help”. we had to stick together as a family and get help to make it work . Look up CRAFT Alcohol program it’s designed to help you much like alanon but also focuses on teaching you how to help him accept rehab or other treatment. Smart recovery uses that method too. If he loses his insurance benefits it will be much worse to financially to cover rehab.