Just waiting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Just waiting
ugh..I typed this already and lost it..hate it when that happens.
I've been feeling really happy the last week or two. My H seems to be doing very well. He looks great; actually, he looks better than I've seen him in years. I'm almost jealous because he looks like he's lost weight and years! He actually shows up in the bedroom and its really him and not the sloppy drunk.
Sounds great, huh. I'm scared to death. I'm afraid to be happy he has "returned". Happy feels like I'm letting my guard down and that feels so dangerous to my well being, but it's also exhausting. I know it's too soon to be hopeful/optimistic. But its there and I don't trust it. I don't know if I'm even making sense.
I just can't relax and truly enjoy my time with him fully knowing he could relapse at any time. Is there success? I mean true success that one can relax and truly enjoy life with your rAH eventually? Im probably thinking too far ahead or just thinking too much period.
I've been feeling really happy the last week or two. My H seems to be doing very well. He looks great; actually, he looks better than I've seen him in years. I'm almost jealous because he looks like he's lost weight and years! He actually shows up in the bedroom and its really him and not the sloppy drunk.
Sounds great, huh. I'm scared to death. I'm afraid to be happy he has "returned". Happy feels like I'm letting my guard down and that feels so dangerous to my well being, but it's also exhausting. I know it's too soon to be hopeful/optimistic. But its there and I don't trust it. I don't know if I'm even making sense.
I just can't relax and truly enjoy my time with him fully knowing he could relapse at any time. Is there success? I mean true success that one can relax and truly enjoy life with your rAH eventually? Im probably thinking too far ahead or just thinking too much period.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Anxiety and fear is caused by not living in the moment -- I think m1k3 would say that, as our resident Buddhist. (I have a lot of anxiety and fear, so I'm not trying to lecture you here!)
What you're talking about is one of the reasons I usually say "I couldn't date a RA" -- because I know myself well enough to know that I would never stop worrying.
Are there successes? Yes. There are. Look around you -- there are several on the board. One of my friends has been sober 10 years and not taken a relapse -- and I can tell you the hell she has been through during those 10 years for non-alcohol-related reasons would make ME start drinking, and I don't drink...
I wish I knew what's different between the people who recover and stay sober for life and the people who don't. I think I could retire on the money I could make from that knowledge.
I once asked the wife of an RA I worked with how she could stand the not knowing. She said "It was difficult in the beginning, but the more years he has sober, the more I trust life again. I don't know if he'll start drinking again. I also don't know if I'll get cancer, or if our son will be killed in action (Marine), or if I'll lose my job. There are no guarantees in life. It's up to you to decide how much faith you are going to have that the sun will still rise tomorrow. I take my cues from my husband -- 25 years sober, he still greets every day with 'one day at a time'."
I admire that woman immensely. She has more faith than I have. And I think she's happier and lives each day more intensely because of it.
What you're talking about is one of the reasons I usually say "I couldn't date a RA" -- because I know myself well enough to know that I would never stop worrying.
Are there successes? Yes. There are. Look around you -- there are several on the board. One of my friends has been sober 10 years and not taken a relapse -- and I can tell you the hell she has been through during those 10 years for non-alcohol-related reasons would make ME start drinking, and I don't drink...
I wish I knew what's different between the people who recover and stay sober for life and the people who don't. I think I could retire on the money I could make from that knowledge.
I once asked the wife of an RA I worked with how she could stand the not knowing. She said "It was difficult in the beginning, but the more years he has sober, the more I trust life again. I don't know if he'll start drinking again. I also don't know if I'll get cancer, or if our son will be killed in action (Marine), or if I'll lose my job. There are no guarantees in life. It's up to you to decide how much faith you are going to have that the sun will still rise tomorrow. I take my cues from my husband -- 25 years sober, he still greets every day with 'one day at a time'."
I admire that woman immensely. She has more faith than I have. And I think she's happier and lives each day more intensely because of it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Living one day at a time has ALWAYS been my biggest challenge. The fear of what can happen is a big one, I completely understand. For me it was too much and eventually caused me some fairly major anxiety attacks. Counseling and medication, paired with Celebrate Recovery helps me immensely.
Tight Hugs my friend!
Tight Hugs my friend!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Katchie, I have no experience with an rAH working a program, but I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying him as he is right now. The key is just that we have to figure out how to have peace and serenity despite our circumstances. That way, whether everything's good or our lives are falling apart, we still have peace. Maybe not happiness, but peace. For me, that's just knowing and believing that no matter what, I will be ok. Resting in that allows us to enjoy the good times more fully and endure the bad times more peacefully. The harder I work my program, the closer to that peace I feel. I'm not quite there yet but I'm close.
Hugs, Katchie.
Hugs, Katchie.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Thanks all.. I am trying to just let go, live, enjoy, and what may come in the future, whether near or far, take it in stride and keep moving myself forward.
I came home early from class and H was still home. He seemed a little frazzled from a nerve wracking business call he had been dreading. But he made it through getting the weight of it off his shoulders. I am proud of him for the way he handled it. I can see the jitters on him and know he would like to drink most likely to calm himself. Be he hasn't, so far. Im happy for him; Im happy for our boys.
I have a possible business opportunity myself. I haven't had the meeting yet, but I look forward at the possibility of something new and self sustaining. The thought of individual security is comforting.
I came home early from class and H was still home. He seemed a little frazzled from a nerve wracking business call he had been dreading. But he made it through getting the weight of it off his shoulders. I am proud of him for the way he handled it. I can see the jitters on him and know he would like to drink most likely to calm himself. Be he hasn't, so far. Im happy for him; Im happy for our boys.
I have a possible business opportunity myself. I haven't had the meeting yet, but I look forward at the possibility of something new and self sustaining. The thought of individual security is comforting.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I do understand that feeling of "waiting for the other shoe to drop".... it stinks because I never want to feel that way, yet I don't want to be stupid & choose to blind myself to the possibilities.
I handle it much like you - just keep working my program & taking each day as it comes. It's the only way I can guarantee MY sanity & keep building trust in myself. When RAH relapsed last fall I was seriously tested - things had been going fairly well, we hadn't been living in any kind of crisis, there weren't red flags flying everywhere..... so I was completely unprepared for the fallout being as bad as it was. (I wasn't feeling great progress, but I wasn't feeling like things were regressing either.... if I had been code-ing out, I would have likely uncovered red flags & spent a lot of time trying to interpret them.)
But I handled it & did so much more easily than I would have expected if I had bothered to HAVE expectations about it, lol. I remember thinking later about how glad I was that I hadn't spent endless hours & days worrying over what a potential relapse might entail because there was NO WAY I could have EVER guessed right & I would have wasted a lot of energy stressing myself over it.
You Rock Katchie, your progress through this has been inspiring!
I handle it much like you - just keep working my program & taking each day as it comes. It's the only way I can guarantee MY sanity & keep building trust in myself. When RAH relapsed last fall I was seriously tested - things had been going fairly well, we hadn't been living in any kind of crisis, there weren't red flags flying everywhere..... so I was completely unprepared for the fallout being as bad as it was. (I wasn't feeling great progress, but I wasn't feeling like things were regressing either.... if I had been code-ing out, I would have likely uncovered red flags & spent a lot of time trying to interpret them.)
But I handled it & did so much more easily than I would have expected if I had bothered to HAVE expectations about it, lol. I remember thinking later about how glad I was that I hadn't spent endless hours & days worrying over what a potential relapse might entail because there was NO WAY I could have EVER guessed right & I would have wasted a lot of energy stressing myself over it.
You Rock Katchie, your progress through this has been inspiring!
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