husband kicked family dog
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
The high blood pressure during withdrawals can cause a stroke or heart attack. So I do understand why you are watching them. Remember the phone # 911. Let us know how you are doing tomorrow. We do care about you, your children, and your H.
Hope everything is well.
Hope everything is well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Hi Maggies,
You might have noticed that there are no tips here on how to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. That's mostly because we (we referring to people who love alcoholics) cannot control alcoholics or what they do or don't do. Basically, there are no tips because you're asking how to do something that every single one of us has failed at attempting because the only person who can stop an alcoholic from drinking is the alcoholic himself. When your husband makes the initiative to become sober, that's when he'll get sober. That's just the way it is, unfortunately. I personally tried everything I could to get my husband to stay sober; nagging about AA, suggesting rehab, shaming him, guilting him, threatening him, separating. Nothing worked until he decided to take his sobriety seriously and I decided to allow him to suffer his own consequences of choosing to drink.
I'm sorry your husband kicked the family dog in front of your kids. That must have been alarming and frightening for you, your kids and especially the dog.
Keep posting and reading here, it really does help. There is a saying around here that is used often: take what you want, leave the rest. Apply that saying to the responses to your original post. If someone responded to you in a way that doesn't work for you, just ignore it and pay attention to the responses that work for you right now.
You might have noticed that there are no tips here on how to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. That's mostly because we (we referring to people who love alcoholics) cannot control alcoholics or what they do or don't do. Basically, there are no tips because you're asking how to do something that every single one of us has failed at attempting because the only person who can stop an alcoholic from drinking is the alcoholic himself. When your husband makes the initiative to become sober, that's when he'll get sober. That's just the way it is, unfortunately. I personally tried everything I could to get my husband to stay sober; nagging about AA, suggesting rehab, shaming him, guilting him, threatening him, separating. Nothing worked until he decided to take his sobriety seriously and I decided to allow him to suffer his own consequences of choosing to drink.
I'm sorry your husband kicked the family dog in front of your kids. That must have been alarming and frightening for you, your kids and especially the dog.
Keep posting and reading here, it really does help. There is a saying around here that is used often: take what you want, leave the rest. Apply that saying to the responses to your original post. If someone responded to you in a way that doesn't work for you, just ignore it and pay attention to the responses that work for you right now.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Maggies - when I first joined SR, I was clueless about addiction. I was so lost, scared and unhappy. I hated the responses I got, most of them. They were not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to know how to fix my husband. I honestly believed he was different, I was different and our marriage was different. Sadly, we were not. Addiction does not discriminate. I quickly learned I was so codependent that my thinking had become so distorted. I realized alcoholism/addiction does not discriminate nor does codependency. Heck, I am the poster child for it!
It was suggested that I read Codependent No More, find a therapist and attend alanon.....all to help me. I thought......Wait a second, He has the problem, not me!! If he just stopped, we would be happy again. That just wasn't the case. I had become as sick as he was. I am ok with admitting that because had I known better I would have done better. I just didn't know nor did I understand until I joined here, sought help and started educating myself.
It took a while for me to realize I was worth the effort. And you are too!! Be good to yourself! You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. If love could save them, none of us would be here.
If you have a chance, please google Mary Pearl on youtube and listen to her. She is amazing and very funny. She was extremely "sick" from living with this disease and is now a speaker for Alanon. She helped inspire me, I hope she will help inspire you too.
I would post it but I don't know how too. Sorry.
Lastly, please don't ever feel ashamed! If you only know how many of us have done so many crazy things, you would not stop laughing. There are funny now but at the time, I thought they were normal. Yikes!! Lol. (In fact, I started a thread on it and it was hysterical because at some point, we all just learn how to laugh at ourselves......because now we know better.
)
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!!
It was suggested that I read Codependent No More, find a therapist and attend alanon.....all to help me. I thought......Wait a second, He has the problem, not me!! If he just stopped, we would be happy again. That just wasn't the case. I had become as sick as he was. I am ok with admitting that because had I known better I would have done better. I just didn't know nor did I understand until I joined here, sought help and started educating myself.
It took a while for me to realize I was worth the effort. And you are too!! Be good to yourself! You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. If love could save them, none of us would be here.
If you have a chance, please google Mary Pearl on youtube and listen to her. She is amazing and very funny. She was extremely "sick" from living with this disease and is now a speaker for Alanon. She helped inspire me, I hope she will help inspire you too.
I would post it but I don't know how too. Sorry.
Lastly, please don't ever feel ashamed! If you only know how many of us have done so many crazy things, you would not stop laughing. There are funny now but at the time, I thought they were normal. Yikes!! Lol. (In fact, I started a thread on it and it was hysterical because at some point, we all just learn how to laugh at ourselves......because now we know better.
)Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Ps. I was told the best way to help my husband was to help myself, for me to get healthy. So, obviously, I ran to meet first Alanon meeting as quickly as possible, lol. I started to work the program that I wished he would work. Well, it was shorty thereafter he started attending meetings as well. Although, he has not maintained his own recovery, I am forever grateful for my own.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by maggies 
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
Who is monitoring the blood pressure? And why would a hospital in your town not help with a blood pressure issue?
I posted here to try and get tips on getting my husband to stop drinking. I did not realize I was going to get lectured about raising my children or simply told to leave him. He has never been physically or mentally abusive towards the kids. Yes, he kicked our dog but he is a 100pound half Rottweiler and did not injure him.
You mentioned that most of your family and friends have turned their back on you, that's very hard, espcecially in these high drama times when one really could use a minute to breathe. Unfortunately it happens to a lot of us.
In my city the YMCA / YWCA run "Mum Clubs" for child care. They are under professional supervision and help mums out when things have come up at work or at home. I've only heard about these from friends as I don't have children, but maybe other mums and dads could chime in - there are lots of other very ressourceful parents here
Last edited by Seren; 04-02-2014 at 05:21 AM. Reason: fixed quotes as requested
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
Hi there Maggie, welcome to SR, so sorry you are put in such an awful position. My husband is an A who is not seeking recovery (waffling on denial and using stress as his excuse to drink). I have chosen to remain with him thus far, and it's only through my own self improvement, Al-Anon, and learning about this disease and my own (now former) co-dependence to it that I've been able to lead a much happier life in my struggling marriage. The real trick to dealing with people telling you to do something you do not want to do is to imagine yourself as your best friend telling you something you do not believe is right. Take it for what it is, well meaning advise that could be wrong or could be right, ultimately you are the only one who can decide what to take from it or not take from it.
I know how badly you want to help your family. You are a loving wife and mother striving to keep your family whole and well. Please continue reading and learning about alcoholism and perhaps looking in to ways you can make personal changes that you have control over. You will soon come to face the fact that you have no control over your husbands sobriety (even if you force him in to rehab, the chances of it sticking are next to nil until he makes the personal decision to take control of his own life)...that's part of the first step...just part of it, and it's through that step that you will be on your way towards a better life that will benefit your children and potentially your husband the most. Always always ALWAYS take what YOU NEED from SR and leave the rest, this is a wonderful support system for those of us struggling with an A in our lives. Your choices are yours and you need to make decisions based on what you feel you need at any given time. Just like the rest of us, you will make mistakes, trust that people are only telling you what they think will make your life better, they could be right or they could be wrong. You do what YOU need to do. We are all here for ya and rooting you on towards a healthier life with or w/o your AH by your side. As for the dog being kicked. It seems obvious to me that you know it wasn't right, thus your being disturbed that it was done in front of the kids. No need for you to feel any defense or explain it further. You know it was wrong regardless of what the situation was, now, time for you to explore your options. You did not cause your husbands alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
YOU CAN do things to help your entire family by setting boundaries (some that you do not even need to verbalize to your husband). This does not mean monitoring your husbands drinking and walking on eggshells. This means exploring ways that you can become proactive in supporting a healthier response to it, not trying to control it, but maintaining control over it's impact. Perhaps some dog training sessions to address the barking issues-great way to get the kids involved too and teach them the need to lovingly teach a dog to respond to appropriate commands. No need to point out Dad's bad attempt at control, just a reinforcement that dogs respond quite well to consistency and commands when given proper reinforcement. I fully understand the issue you may have in this if your husband is the type who see's physical dominance as the way to control a dog. My husband tends to lean that way too but fortunately for me, the first dog we shared as a couple totally laid into him and lashed out from the time he was a pup. My husband totally gave up on that dog and had nothing to do with him until he started seeing how wonderfully this dog responded to positive reinforcement. Honest to God this dog could have been a movie star, he was amazing and my husband eventually just loved showing him off with the tricks I'd taught him...all dog training from then forward has been in my control. Geesh, just thinking back to that time when we weren't married, just living together..how the heck did I miss the red flags? Oh well, I feel utterly blessed with the children he helped me create and couldn't imagine my life without them in it, for that I will always be grateful for! Big hugs for you and keep coming back to vent and share!
I know how badly you want to help your family. You are a loving wife and mother striving to keep your family whole and well. Please continue reading and learning about alcoholism and perhaps looking in to ways you can make personal changes that you have control over. You will soon come to face the fact that you have no control over your husbands sobriety (even if you force him in to rehab, the chances of it sticking are next to nil until he makes the personal decision to take control of his own life)...that's part of the first step...just part of it, and it's through that step that you will be on your way towards a better life that will benefit your children and potentially your husband the most. Always always ALWAYS take what YOU NEED from SR and leave the rest, this is a wonderful support system for those of us struggling with an A in our lives. Your choices are yours and you need to make decisions based on what you feel you need at any given time. Just like the rest of us, you will make mistakes, trust that people are only telling you what they think will make your life better, they could be right or they could be wrong. You do what YOU need to do. We are all here for ya and rooting you on towards a healthier life with or w/o your AH by your side. As for the dog being kicked. It seems obvious to me that you know it wasn't right, thus your being disturbed that it was done in front of the kids. No need for you to feel any defense or explain it further. You know it was wrong regardless of what the situation was, now, time for you to explore your options. You did not cause your husbands alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
YOU CAN do things to help your entire family by setting boundaries (some that you do not even need to verbalize to your husband). This does not mean monitoring your husbands drinking and walking on eggshells. This means exploring ways that you can become proactive in supporting a healthier response to it, not trying to control it, but maintaining control over it's impact. Perhaps some dog training sessions to address the barking issues-great way to get the kids involved too and teach them the need to lovingly teach a dog to respond to appropriate commands. No need to point out Dad's bad attempt at control, just a reinforcement that dogs respond quite well to consistency and commands when given proper reinforcement. I fully understand the issue you may have in this if your husband is the type who see's physical dominance as the way to control a dog. My husband tends to lean that way too but fortunately for me, the first dog we shared as a couple totally laid into him and lashed out from the time he was a pup. My husband totally gave up on that dog and had nothing to do with him until he started seeing how wonderfully this dog responded to positive reinforcement. Honest to God this dog could have been a movie star, he was amazing and my husband eventually just loved showing him off with the tricks I'd taught him...all dog training from then forward has been in my control. Geesh, just thinking back to that time when we weren't married, just living together..how the heck did I miss the red flags? Oh well, I feel utterly blessed with the children he helped me create and couldn't imagine my life without them in it, for that I will always be grateful for! Big hugs for you and keep coming back to vent and share!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I think Maggie is probably pretty savvy to have survived her situation for so long.
I also hope that she sees how many people are in her corner and offering what help they have. This thread is very long and all devoted to helping Maggie figure out her situation. That is an obvious take away for me and hopefully Maggie.
I also hope that she sees how many people are in her corner and offering what help they have. This thread is very long and all devoted to helping Maggie figure out her situation. That is an obvious take away for me and hopefully Maggie.
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