Will the kids ever respect their father?????
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
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Will the kids ever respect their father?????
I took the kids and we left a month ago from AH. Now I will say that so far this year this hasn't been any issues with him but I left anyway because there has been so much damage done in 13 yrs. He always has his good periods but something happens and we start the craziness over again. He seems to believe in himself that he is a different person, that he got his security back with himself????? No more bad will happen, we will be happy, and so on. I am very skeptical on this because I have heard all too many times before. Well as far as the kids who are 11 & 9, they really do not want to be bothered by him at all. I have them go over tues and thurs for dinner and then every other weekend. They are very distant from him and the youngest continues to tell AH that he doesn't want to be there. I am trying to encourage them to have fun when with him and enjoy their time. Well they say all he does is watch tv or nag about something. AH complains to me that they direspect him and don't want nothing to do with him. They completely ignore him. Will they get over this or how do I handle their behavior?????
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That will be between the kids and him. If he doesn't earn their respect, he won't get it. If he can't be a decent father to them, he doesn't deserve their respect, either.
This is nothing you can control or force. They might even begin to resent it if you continue to insist they enjoy themselves when they are with him.
This is nothing you can control or force. They might even begin to resent it if you continue to insist they enjoy themselves when they are with him.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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This behavior with him is not yours to handle. He is their father, and his relationship with them is his business. Respect must be earned.
If you must DO something, then you can model the behavior you would like to see, as long as you are honest with them. Obviously don't badmouth him or his behavior (past or present), but don't make him out to be something he isn't, either. It's confusing for kids to see one thing and hear that another is true.
If you must DO something, then you can model the behavior you would like to see, as long as you are honest with them. Obviously don't badmouth him or his behavior (past or present), but don't make him out to be something he isn't, either. It's confusing for kids to see one thing and hear that another is true.
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I am an ACOA who had a mandatory "relationship" with my A father crammed down my throat by my codie mother and the court system. The results were nothing short of disastrous- physical, emotional and sexual abuse, neglect and of course growing up with my idea of adult manhood totally warped by my King Baby father drunkenly demanding "respect" from me and my younger brother. All my dad did was drink, pass out in front of the TV and wake up angry. Sounds like your kids are in the same situation as we were.
You can't do anything for your ex, as much as you are clinging to the idea that he will magically transform into the father he should have been all along if you just push hard enough. This is not your responsibility. Your ex is an adult making his own choices and he should be left to the consequences. Protect your children.
Sorry if this is harsh, but your post is almost verbatim the things my mom used to tell us when we complained about visiting our father.
You can't do anything for your ex, as much as you are clinging to the idea that he will magically transform into the father he should have been all along if you just push hard enough. This is not your responsibility. Your ex is an adult making his own choices and he should be left to the consequences. Protect your children.
Sorry if this is harsh, but your post is almost verbatim the things my mom used to tell us when we complained about visiting our father.
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Thank you all for the responses to this post. The last thread of bother I have is that my children refuse contact with their father. And while I understand it and support it, courts have told me it's my responsibility to "work toward a reconciliation" since I'm the person with the most influence over the kids.
Lady scribbler, your post is pretty much what my kids tell me. I've left the door open for them that they are always free to contact their father any time they like, but I won't ever push them to do it.
These posts have me feeling like I'm actually doing the right thing for them. I think I knew that. But I still felt that I had some kind of responsibility to "make it better." But you are all right. He is the only person who can do that.
Lady scribbler, your post is pretty much what my kids tell me. I've left the door open for them that they are always free to contact their father any time they like, but I won't ever push them to do it.
These posts have me feeling like I'm actually doing the right thing for them. I think I knew that. But I still felt that I had some kind of responsibility to "make it better." But you are all right. He is the only person who can do that.
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I am still with my AH and my boys, who are all teens, have lost respect for their father; they lost it a long time ago. I've lost respect for him in many ways, too. It is heartbreaking when they use to idolize their dad but I now hear the disrespect coming from them. I handle it by reminding them what is going on with their dad isn't their fault and there is nothing they can do to change it. They can still love him and pray for him, but they don't have to be around him when he is drunk. I also remind them that we all fall short, we all sin but our sins are different and affect people differently -- his just directly affects us all and he hates it as much as we do. We don't have to tolerate it but we can pray for him and make sure we don't repeat his mistakes. I don't think he will get their respect back until he is sober over a long period of time and finally takes a moment to sit with each one and apologizes for the fear he caused in them when he drove them under the influence -- I've apologized for not always knowing he had been drinking and putting them in that position. I've had to say sorry for quite a few things in this regard because I didn't protect them from it better than I should have.
Kids need stability, safety, love.. An A just isn't capable of stability and safety, at least mine hasn't been able to give that, and I believe those are essential to a child feeling loved. My husband has a long road to travel to earn complete trust back from his family, but its his journey. I pray he figures it out for his and the boys sake.
I hope that was helpful...Hugs...I think it is so much harder when kids are involved.
Kids need stability, safety, love.. An A just isn't capable of stability and safety, at least mine hasn't been able to give that, and I believe those are essential to a child feeling loved. My husband has a long road to travel to earn complete trust back from his family, but its his journey. I pray he figures it out for his and the boys sake.
I hope that was helpful...Hugs...I think it is so much harder when kids are involved.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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First, PLEASE be aware that trying to "make it better" will probably translate into "my feelings don't matter" in their young minds. They'll get enough of that with Dad.
Respect your children. This is the only way that they will learn to respect themselves. They probably have a lot of anger and frustration that needs to be voiced before they can really begin healing. If you can afford therapy for them, or if your insurance covers it, then it might not be a bad idea to get help from a professional.
Above all, of course, be aware that you are NOT leaving them in the hands of a safe adult when they are with their father. Active alcoholics are NOT responsible people. (I am saying this as an alcoholic mom with 6 years of recovery.)
Hope this helps.
Respect your children. This is the only way that they will learn to respect themselves. They probably have a lot of anger and frustration that needs to be voiced before they can really begin healing. If you can afford therapy for them, or if your insurance covers it, then it might not be a bad idea to get help from a professional.
Above all, of course, be aware that you are NOT leaving them in the hands of a safe adult when they are with their father. Active alcoholics are NOT responsible people. (I am saying this as an alcoholic mom with 6 years of recovery.)
Hope this helps.
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Try this on for size.... You moved out of the house because of the damage that has been done, and you dont put much stock in the changes he says he has within him because of things you have heard...why would/ should your kids have any different feelings, fears, worries, opinions...? After all they lived that life with him as did you, but frim their own perspectives. Like the others gave said, its his problem/cinsequences to deal with...not yours!
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Hi myfreedom, there's not a lot you can do at this point, as long as you're sure he's not under the influence when he's with them. Just avoid becoming the meat in the sandwich, with them complaining about him and vice versa. It's not beyond children to play one parent off against the other; they're practically hard-wired that way. If they complain to you, suggest they should be talking to their father, not you. And the same goes when your AH complains about them.
In the long run it is better if they can work it out for themselves. Children will benefit from having a positive relationship with their father, and it sounds like he is going through a good period for now.
In the long run it is better if they can work it out for themselves. Children will benefit from having a positive relationship with their father, and it sounds like he is going through a good period for now.
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Thank you for all the great responses. I know I can not push them to feel something they don't. They do love their dad, just do not believe in him. It saddens me that they never ask about him, call or text him, and they sigh everytime they know its time to go there. I know I need to just stay out of it and let them all handle it. They tell me they never want to move back even if AH gets better. Big issue is that AH thinks they are out of control and I need to come home so they can see that things will be better and that he is not that mean person anymore. That we need to gain control and not let them dictate our lives by making the decisions. Is he out of his mind????????
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I'm with everyone else - his relationship, his responsibility. Not your responsibility to do anything about (other than what the court dictates.)
My kids are older than yours. They, too, do not respect their father. One sees him for dinner once week, one spends one overnight/week with him, the other one has no contact with him. I try to mostly stay out of their relationships. I don't bad mouth him to the kids but I also don't say false positive things or put positive spins on negative issues. I just listen if they want to talk and try to otherwise shut up about their relationship.
I realize that's easier for me to do because mine are teens and the court respects their right to have a say in how much time they do/do not spend with him. In my state, I think that starts at 13. STBXAH hasn't pushed for time with DS but if that ever happens, ds's counselor fully supports his decision for no contact and would testify as such in court. That's one of the unintended benefits of having my kids in counseling (intended or primary benefit being that it gives them a safe, private place to work through their issues with a trained professional.)
My kids are older than yours. They, too, do not respect their father. One sees him for dinner once week, one spends one overnight/week with him, the other one has no contact with him. I try to mostly stay out of their relationships. I don't bad mouth him to the kids but I also don't say false positive things or put positive spins on negative issues. I just listen if they want to talk and try to otherwise shut up about their relationship.
I realize that's easier for me to do because mine are teens and the court respects their right to have a say in how much time they do/do not spend with him. In my state, I think that starts at 13. STBXAH hasn't pushed for time with DS but if that ever happens, ds's counselor fully supports his decision for no contact and would testify as such in court. That's one of the unintended benefits of having my kids in counseling (intended or primary benefit being that it gives them a safe, private place to work through their issues with a trained professional.)
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Myfreedom, your kids have made their wishes clear and your AH has made his wishes clear. What are YOUR wishes? What do YOU want, assuming that nothing has really changed?
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Originally Posted by myfreedom
It saddens me that they never ask about him, call or text him, and they sigh everytime they know its time to go there.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
I wouldn't read too much into them not contacting him. For some reason, even in a healthy relationship, kids just don't seem to pick up the phone. That's the parent's job (in their eyes).
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He says he will prove it to all of us but we need to come home so he can do that. I still feel he is manipulating again. Making us think he can not go on living if we are not there.
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His relationship with his children is his responsibility. Respect and all. You coming back home is him wanting to shift that responsibility onto you. Make re-building his relationship with his children YOUR responsibility.
Just like when we say watch their actions not their words, the same goes for the non-drinking parent. Actions not words are what the children witness. You removed yourself and them from a toxic environment that was detrimental to their emotional and physically well-being. Instead of repeating the cycle of dysfunctional relationships when they grow up they will have the strength to remove themselves from such relationships because that is what they witnessed.
Actions not words and your actions show them a healthy reaction to an un-healthy situation.
I would not push “have fun” on them, instead let them know you understand their frustration and explain that this is how our family courts address this issue.
Just like when we say watch their actions not their words, the same goes for the non-drinking parent. Actions not words are what the children witness. You removed yourself and them from a toxic environment that was detrimental to their emotional and physically well-being. Instead of repeating the cycle of dysfunctional relationships when they grow up they will have the strength to remove themselves from such relationships because that is what they witnessed.
Actions not words and your actions show them a healthy reaction to an un-healthy situation.
I would not push “have fun” on them, instead let them know you understand their frustration and explain that this is how our family courts address this issue.
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Originally Posted by atalose
His relationship with his children is his responsibility. Respect and all. You coming back home is him wanting to shift that responsibility onto you. Make re-building his relationship with his children YOUR responsibility.
Just like when we say watch their actions not their words, the same goes for the non-drinking parent. Actions not words are what the children witness. You removed yourself and them from a toxic environment that was detrimental to their emotional and physically well-being. Instead of repeating the cycle of dysfunctional relationships when they grow up they will have the strength to remove themselves from such relationships because that is what they witnessed.
Actions not words and your actions show them a healthy reaction to an un-healthy situation.
I would not push “have fun” on them, instead let them know you understand their frustration and explain that this is how our family courts address this issue.
Just like when we say watch their actions not their words, the same goes for the non-drinking parent. Actions not words are what the children witness. You removed yourself and them from a toxic environment that was detrimental to their emotional and physically well-being. Instead of repeating the cycle of dysfunctional relationships when they grow up they will have the strength to remove themselves from such relationships because that is what they witnessed.
Actions not words and your actions show them a healthy reaction to an un-healthy situation.
I would not push “have fun” on them, instead let them know you understand their frustration and explain that this is how our family courts address this issue.
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