SparkleKitty

If someone is serious about making changes, they do not put conditions on how those changes can happen. They do everything in their power to bring those changes about, regardless of what anyone else is doing or saying. That's how you know it's real.

What he is saying is that he doesn't want anything to change, including and especially his own way of doing things.

As an ACOA, part of me melts when you say you put your kids' happiness above all else. No one ever did that for me. But the not-broken part of me knows that if you work at discovering how to meet your own needs for happiness and contentment, those of your kids will follow. Sending you strength and courage to stop worrying about what he's doing and start focusing on yourself.

ladyscribbler

You are right to see this as manipulation because it is. He might even believe some of this insanity because it makes it easy for things to be "all your fault" so he never has to take responsibility for his actions. You are doing the right thing to be skeptical of his claims. He is still active in his addiction and will basically say anything to protect his drinking and get his way.

hopeful4

As I have been saying to my AH for years, respect is earned. If he wants it, earn it.

I would explain to them they cannot control his actions, only how they react.

I am sorry. Getting ready to file and dreading this very same issue.

FireSprite

Speaking only to my experience watching DD go through this with RAH.

She didn't change her tune toward him in terms of trust & respect until he earned it, just like everyone has already pointed out.

Now, not sure if you remember but my RAH went 2+ yrs in sobriety without reallllllly working his program & ended up hitting yet another, lower, rock bottom moment last fall. After that he started making real changes, we started seeing the results of actions/not words, and he started making very obvious efforts to repair his damaged relationship with DD - talking, doing activities together, making time for her in ways that he hadn't done before.

THAT is when she started to thaw. That's when she started showing him the respect he was earning & she started to see his new pattern of showing up, being on time, asking her about her life, being involved, etc. It is still a work in progress for them but they are worlds away from where they were.

When RAH 1st started addressing these changes, he was a bit impatient that it didn't just make everything A-OK in just a couple of weeks... I had to remind him that she would get there in her own time & like everyone here always says, it took years to get to this bad place, why would you expect it to be remedied in a couple of weeks?

I don't know if it would have been possible for her at all to develop that trust & respect if he were still drinking & stuck in his old ways.... I can't imagine how it would be possible really.