Gotta get through this part and stay away!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Gotta get through this part and stay away!
Ok, I need help to get me through until my therapy appointment on Saturday (which it was sooner).
AH is at our house with his mom. I went by to pick up a check that was delivered there. While I was there, I told his mother very clearly that I'm not going to keep her grandchildren from her, and that I am here if she needs me for anything. When I got there, she was lecturing AH telling him that she lives on the other side of the Atlantic and worries about him/us all the time. She has her heart set on getting him to a neurologist this week and also to counseling. She is here for six weeks and wants to try to make a difference.
Of course, he's sobering up and not drinking today. His eyes are starting to return to normal. He's able to hold a conversation. He is "so sorry." He says "I'm ready to be proactive. I can't do this to all of you anymore. I will get help. I love you. What if we just live side by side until we figure things out? My mom can help with the boys and that way we are all together."
I started crying and walked out. I'm so tired, physically. It's a two-hour drive, one way, to my parents'. I am going to drive up there after work and then it will be time to put the boys to bed. Then I'll have to get up and leave at 5 AM tomorrow to make it back to LA in time for work/school. I called my mom and said "If I stay home while his mom is there, she will help a lot with the boys and I can sleep in a separate room." She texted me back and said, "Honey, I really wouldn't stay at the same house with him if I were you. You need to stand up for yourself. You don't have to worry about his mom right now, either. She will get to see the boys while she's here."
I know she is right. And I don't even care about the exhaustion/driving/stress part. I can handle that. But part of me feels some kind of sick responsibility for him. Like it's my mess, too. Like I'm his wife and he is sick and I'm supposed to take care of him. When he starts sobering up and acting "normal," my mind wants to believe that the psycho I've dealt with the last few days is a different person.
My mom is right, and my sister is right. When my sister speaks about AH, she speaks so black/white and sounds cold. But she is right - like she said today, it's been 7 years of this. She can remember an incident a few months after we got married, and we're still here.
Is this were N/C comes in? I'm leaving straight from work tonight, not even going by the house. I have everything I need. Every time I see him, I get sucked in by his "help me" BS. I get that he is sick in many ways. But the fact remains that he has support and help, and he could have gotten it a long time ago. I need to figure out why I put his needs over mine, and why I've been doing that so long and telling myself it was for my kids.
AH is at our house with his mom. I went by to pick up a check that was delivered there. While I was there, I told his mother very clearly that I'm not going to keep her grandchildren from her, and that I am here if she needs me for anything. When I got there, she was lecturing AH telling him that she lives on the other side of the Atlantic and worries about him/us all the time. She has her heart set on getting him to a neurologist this week and also to counseling. She is here for six weeks and wants to try to make a difference.
Of course, he's sobering up and not drinking today. His eyes are starting to return to normal. He's able to hold a conversation. He is "so sorry." He says "I'm ready to be proactive. I can't do this to all of you anymore. I will get help. I love you. What if we just live side by side until we figure things out? My mom can help with the boys and that way we are all together."
I started crying and walked out. I'm so tired, physically. It's a two-hour drive, one way, to my parents'. I am going to drive up there after work and then it will be time to put the boys to bed. Then I'll have to get up and leave at 5 AM tomorrow to make it back to LA in time for work/school. I called my mom and said "If I stay home while his mom is there, she will help a lot with the boys and I can sleep in a separate room." She texted me back and said, "Honey, I really wouldn't stay at the same house with him if I were you. You need to stand up for yourself. You don't have to worry about his mom right now, either. She will get to see the boys while she's here."
I know she is right. And I don't even care about the exhaustion/driving/stress part. I can handle that. But part of me feels some kind of sick responsibility for him. Like it's my mess, too. Like I'm his wife and he is sick and I'm supposed to take care of him. When he starts sobering up and acting "normal," my mind wants to believe that the psycho I've dealt with the last few days is a different person.
My mom is right, and my sister is right. When my sister speaks about AH, she speaks so black/white and sounds cold. But she is right - like she said today, it's been 7 years of this. She can remember an incident a few months after we got married, and we're still here.
Is this were N/C comes in? I'm leaving straight from work tonight, not even going by the house. I have everything I need. Every time I see him, I get sucked in by his "help me" BS. I get that he is sick in many ways. But the fact remains that he has support and help, and he could have gotten it a long time ago. I need to figure out why I put his needs over mine, and why I've been doing that so long and telling myself it was for my kids.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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he put his hands around your neck and choked you. if this was any other person who had tried to stop you from breathing, WITH your CHILDREN in the home, would you be so.......concerned? in a previous post I indicated two possible reactions from him.....either ANGER or REMORSE. i'm so sorry, i'll do anything, blah blah blah.
sure you are his wife and that package comes with certain "expectations" - but doesn't that go the OTHER way as well? is he not your HUSBAND, supposedly your great protector and partner? is he not a FATHER....whose children WITNESSED his attack on their mother?
stay away. do NOT put yourself in danger again. do not put yourself in proximity of someone who abused you. your children are suffering greatly....what they saw they can never unsee. their survival depends on TWO people...their mom and their dad. and their dad has violated every article of the parental contract.
sure you are his wife and that package comes with certain "expectations" - but doesn't that go the OTHER way as well? is he not your HUSBAND, supposedly your great protector and partner? is he not a FATHER....whose children WITNESSED his attack on their mother?
stay away. do NOT put yourself in danger again. do not put yourself in proximity of someone who abused you. your children are suffering greatly....what they saw they can never unsee. their survival depends on TWO people...their mom and their dad. and their dad has violated every article of the parental contract.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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I agree with Anvil, Emmy. Please don't get sucked back in. His mother is there and she can deal with helping him get medical help or whatever other kind of help he needs. This is the time for you to concentrate on yourself and your children. They have been traumatized, too, and they need you. He doesn't.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Please do not put yourself in danger, Emmy, because you don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad. Please do not sacrifice yourself to someone else's addiction. You and your boys deserve peace and joy!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Enough, in no uncertain terms.
For your kids and for yourself--this man is a very long way from recovery
if he ever actually chooses to get there.
Quite frankly, your kids deserve peace and safety and so do you.
As the only functioning parent, it is up to you to provide that safe space, no discussion.
He's a grown man who has his mother there to help him.
I think NoContact is a great idea right now.
You can talk to his mother about kid's stuff as necessary.
He could of killed you Emmy. Please think about yourself and your kids now.
For your kids and for yourself--this man is a very long way from recovery
if he ever actually chooses to get there.
Quite frankly, your kids deserve peace and safety and so do you.
As the only functioning parent, it is up to you to provide that safe space, no discussion.
He's a grown man who has his mother there to help him.
I think NoContact is a great idea right now.
You can talk to his mother about kid's stuff as necessary.
He could of killed you Emmy. Please think about yourself and your kids now.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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(((Emmy)))
You're doing very well. You got yourself and your boys out of a very dangerous environment. You have them well protected and taken care of with your parents. It's okay right now to only take time for you.
Keep the abuse hotline number with you. This will give you the choice to call and talk to someone in person at anytime. 800-799-7233
I realize you have it. If it helps others reading this, it's worth keeping it posted.
Are there physical or mental exercises you've found to help relax, cope or think clearer? Would therapeutic music or audio books be helpful during your drive?
Staying at a safe house closer to work could be something to consider. If you'd be okay with that, it's fine to put yourself first right now. The boys are safe and so are you. That is reason to celebrate. Keeping all of you safe is just details. Those can be worked out and you have options. Baby steps. Take one day at a time.
No contact sounds like a wonderful idea.
I finally realize that I am not my husband's therapist, counselor, sponsor or keeper. He has choices and so do I. I did not Cause, cannot Control, nor can I Cure this disease or anything else that is wrong with him. What I can do I work on healing myself in order to be there for our children.
The Three A's: Awareness, Acceptance & Action
http://www.alanonjournal.com/2014/01...ce-action.html
You're doing very well. You got yourself and your boys out of a very dangerous environment. You have them well protected and taken care of with your parents. It's okay right now to only take time for you.
Keep the abuse hotline number with you. This will give you the choice to call and talk to someone in person at anytime. 800-799-7233
I realize you have it. If it helps others reading this, it's worth keeping it posted.
Are there physical or mental exercises you've found to help relax, cope or think clearer? Would therapeutic music or audio books be helpful during your drive?
Staying at a safe house closer to work could be something to consider. If you'd be okay with that, it's fine to put yourself first right now. The boys are safe and so are you. That is reason to celebrate. Keeping all of you safe is just details. Those can be worked out and you have options. Baby steps. Take one day at a time.
No contact sounds like a wonderful idea.
I finally realize that I am not my husband's therapist, counselor, sponsor or keeper. He has choices and so do I. I did not Cause, cannot Control, nor can I Cure this disease or anything else that is wrong with him. What I can do I work on healing myself in order to be there for our children.
The Three A's: Awareness, Acceptance & Action
http://www.alanonjournal.com/2014/01...ce-action.html
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
You're doing very well. You got yourself and your boys out of a very dangerous environment. You have them well protected and taken care of with your parents. It's okay right now to only take time for you.
I hope tonight you will be able to get some much-needed rest.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Please stay away. I know they are so good at sucking people back in but you and your children are not safe with him. You will get through this. The long commute is rotten but hopefully short term right? It's not worth putting everyone at risk. I think no contact is much easier, I'm learning the hard way myself. One step forward two back sometimes...keep reading the support here it will help you stay strong.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I thought my husband was my obligation too. Then I realized I wasn't qualified. I was part of the problem not the solution.
How many times have you gone back? Has it ever gotten any better.....consistently!!
How many times have you had to pack up the boys and leave? Why are you and the boys the ones to always leave?? Why didn't he ever go to a motel? Because he is an entitled, narcissistic, abusive, alcoholic/addict!!
How many times have you gone back? Has it ever gotten any better.....consistently!!
How many times have you had to pack up the boys and leave? Why are you and the boys the ones to always leave?? Why didn't he ever go to a motel? Because he is an entitled, narcissistic, abusive, alcoholic/addict!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Stay strong Emmy, you are doing amazingly!
Your mom sounds wise & strong & I'm thinking the apple doesn't fall far from the tree here? Your whole family sounds extremely supportive.... I am so glad you have them to lean on. (((HUGS)))
Your mom sounds wise & strong & I'm thinking the apple doesn't fall far from the tree here? Your whole family sounds extremely supportive.... I am so glad you have them to lean on. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Keep posting here and contact your parents or sister when you doubt yourself. You're doing great so far and you're making the right moves for your boys and for yourself. It sounds like your family has your best interests at heart and are a great support system for you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Emmy,
Hugs to you, the boys and your supportive family!
Read your own posts here. NC is wise. His addiction is a self destructive disease. Seven years and he has consistently lashed out at you. You might want to just lay it down with MIL that she is not to talk to you about her son. Tell her he is the father of your children. You care deeply, but you are letting go. You are grateful she is here, let's talk about the boys....
Hugs to you, the boys and your supportive family!
Read your own posts here. NC is wise. His addiction is a self destructive disease. Seven years and he has consistently lashed out at you. You might want to just lay it down with MIL that she is not to talk to you about her son. Tell her he is the father of your children. You care deeply, but you are letting go. You are grateful she is here, let's talk about the boys....
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Just wanted to say Good Morning and that you are doing a wonderful
job dealing with a very very difficult situation Emmy.
Sorry for your long drive but we are all glad you are safe.
Have you heard about the new job yet?
job dealing with a very very difficult situation Emmy.
Sorry for your long drive but we are all glad you are safe.
Have you heard about the new job yet?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Just sending you some hugs Emmy!!! You're doing a heck of a lot and doing it well...keep on trucking.
And for me, when things were at their worst (whatever that means), I was finally able to do what was necessary "for my kids". I was not able to do it for myself yet, but deep down I knew my kids couldn't do it for themselves, couldn't protect themselves from even the "minor" trauma of the angry unpredictable home, setting aside bigger issues. They needed their mom to relentlessly do it for them, to clear my own head and find a straight path. Whenever I doubt myself I read some ACOA posts and literature (and cry). Then I find renewed strength to carry on.
Hang in there!
((((Emmy))))
And for me, when things were at their worst (whatever that means), I was finally able to do what was necessary "for my kids". I was not able to do it for myself yet, but deep down I knew my kids couldn't do it for themselves, couldn't protect themselves from even the "minor" trauma of the angry unpredictable home, setting aside bigger issues. They needed their mom to relentlessly do it for them, to clear my own head and find a straight path. Whenever I doubt myself I read some ACOA posts and literature (and cry). Then I find renewed strength to carry on.
Hang in there!
((((Emmy))))
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Emmy, I know it is hard but you have to break free and let him figure this out. You are NOT responsible for anyone's actions but your own.
This is your chance, next time you don't know what he will do. Please please stay away and keep you and your babies safe.
This is your chance, next time you don't know what he will do. Please please stay away and keep you and your babies safe.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I agree with others DV is a deal breaker no matter how much he begs and pleads. What has really changed except him saying "I will change"? A's will lie and we know this. The stronger you are, the stronger your boundaries are, the more likely your AH is to seek change because nothing changes unless someting changes. You ahve done a great job distancing yourself. This allows him to focus on his recovery while you focus on yours. Its super tough in the beginning but will be so much easier in the long run. You A is an adult, you are not responsible for him. He is responsible for himself and must pay the consequences of his actions which include you moving and staying 2 hours away. He caused this not you!
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Location: right here, right now
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You are seeing things clearly, and then when you are back in contact with him, your vision gets blurred and you start seeing his reasoning as rational and making sense when it doesn't, in any objective sense of the word.
Let me summarize: "Honey, I know I tried to kill you and the kids saw that, but while I figure out how I'm going to NOT do that again, why don't you guys move back in?"
That makes no sense. And when you're not within his sphere of influence, you see that.
Hawkeye is right. If you can't see that you deserve better, look at your children. Do you have any idea how incredibly frightening it must have been for your son to see his father try to strangle his mother? Protect them. THAT is your job. Your husband is an adult and you have zero responsibility for him.
As m1k3 would say -- marriage is not a suicide pact.
And yes. This is why NC is a fantastic idea. Because just like an addict, you're susceptible to being pulled back in again. I had a support system just like you do with people telling me NOT to see him, NOT to talk to him, because they knew I would not be able to stand up for myself if I did. My attorney spent an hour of billable time telling me the horror stories he had seen of women like us, who thought "it will be different this time" and all of a sudden he had a murder trial instead of a divorce case on his hands.
Don't put yourself in danger. Don't put your children in danger. What he's suggesting is convenient for him and dangerous for you and the kids.
And MIL can go suck an egg, as someone suggested yesterday. Seriously. If she wants to see the kids, make her come to you, and without their father.
And I still wish you would get a restraining order against him.
Let me summarize: "Honey, I know I tried to kill you and the kids saw that, but while I figure out how I'm going to NOT do that again, why don't you guys move back in?"
That makes no sense. And when you're not within his sphere of influence, you see that.
Hawkeye is right. If you can't see that you deserve better, look at your children. Do you have any idea how incredibly frightening it must have been for your son to see his father try to strangle his mother? Protect them. THAT is your job. Your husband is an adult and you have zero responsibility for him.
As m1k3 would say -- marriage is not a suicide pact.
And yes. This is why NC is a fantastic idea. Because just like an addict, you're susceptible to being pulled back in again. I had a support system just like you do with people telling me NOT to see him, NOT to talk to him, because they knew I would not be able to stand up for myself if I did. My attorney spent an hour of billable time telling me the horror stories he had seen of women like us, who thought "it will be different this time" and all of a sudden he had a murder trial instead of a divorce case on his hands.
Don't put yourself in danger. Don't put your children in danger. What he's suggesting is convenient for him and dangerous for you and the kids.
And MIL can go suck an egg, as someone suggested yesterday. Seriously. If she wants to see the kids, make her come to you, and without their father.
And I still wish you would get a restraining order against him.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
He will say anything to save face at this point (and probably avoid the wrath of The Mama too).
Talk is cheap, I would bet cash $$ that if you go back there and his mama is taking some of his parental responsibilities off his plate, he will be back sneaky drinking...next time something sets him off he might NOT stop choking you.
if he is sober continueously for 6 months, you might start having a normal conversation.
Talk is cheap, I would bet cash $$ that if you go back there and his mama is taking some of his parental responsibilities off his plate, he will be back sneaky drinking...next time something sets him off he might NOT stop choking you.
if he is sober continueously for 6 months, you might start having a normal conversation.
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