HealingWillCome

Beautifully said.

Lifeishard

Hi all just giving you all an update . I am doing do much better . Crying has now stopped . I have the occasional nightmares about him but that's ok I know they will pass. I am moving in approximately 4 weeks now. Have started to de-junk my house . I can't wait to go as I won't have to isolate myself no more .

..... The ex well I have heard nothing from him . Our daughter told me that his new gf cracks open a can the minute she wakes up. I said to my daughter surely she must have a tea or coffee like mommy does and my daughter said no she heads straight to the fridge for a can. My exah is also now having cans as soon as he wakes up . He never did this with me so I suppose this is a sign his alcoholism is progressing? Am I right ?

Can see a light at end of tunnel now . Can't believe I stayed with him for so long . The verbal abuse wAs horrific and he floored me totally with it . I don't value myself, thought I was worthless. I should never have accepted his abuse.... No one should have to live with what I went through . I have wasted years trying to change my husband back to the man I fell in love with . But I couldn't win..... No one can win with an addict as unless they are ready to change themselves they will leave their wife and kids like mine did to continue to drink.

So he has progressed... I think ? Hope he finds his bottom for his kids sake

HealingWillCome

He's living with an alcoholic. They're both cracking open cans first thing in the morning. That sounds progressive to me.

Forgive me, I don't remember your child custody details. I can't help but wonder why your children are allowed to be in the 'care' of such an abusive man. And now this abusive man is drinking from the moment he gets out of bed? And so is his partner? I am concerned for your children.

Lifeishard

I have since stopped contact. My aunt told him about our daughter saying they are cracking cans open in the morning. He is calling our 7 year old daughter a liar.... 7 year olds have no reason to lie about their own father. He is now threatening me with court via my aunt. Told him to serve the papers and that I am looking forward to the courts hearing what he did to me along with his drinking around the kids. He is making threats via my aunt. It will be a fight to stop him though as courts here in uk don't order drink testing. It's a matter if me trying to prove it .... But he does have a 6 year old DUI. Aunt told him that he really needs to think about his kids and stop drinking in which he denied being an alcoholic. She said to him drinking 7 days a week, drinking as much as he can befit he goes to work, his work and golf colleagues telling him he hAs a drink problem, his best friend telling him, me having to give him an ultimatum... She said how is that not an alcoholic. Still in Denial. I just know he will ever get help and it will get worse and he will probably die from alcoholism. I did my best to help him... He has lost all now except his job and he hasn't hit his bottom yet and probably never will

suki44883

It's good that you stopped contact with him, but I would suggest that you also stop discussing him with your Aunt. If he decides to take you to court, so be it. You don't need to know what he's saying or doing as it just keeps the dance going.

HealingWillCome

I agree 100% with Suki. Anything you do to keep track of his current status is just keeping you engaged. I know how hard it is to completely detach. I've been there.

You know enough to know that your children are not safe in his environment, and I will pray that you put your focus on their protection. Your well-being and theirs are your only concern.

I remember wishing and waiting for my xah's world to crumble around him. I wanted him and his new girlfriend to feel as much pain as they had put me through. But I put myself through that agony for longer than I should have. Keeping engaged in their business, or letting their lives take up space in my thoughts, was really only hurtful to me in the long run. I wish now that I had put more energy into my own life and moving on much sooner than I did.

Lifeishard

Hi I don't keep track anymore. His work and golf colleagues etc complaining about his drinking all happened when I was with him. Information about his morning drinking came from our daughter when the exah had her visit. I don't speak to any of his friends and family and have blocked him from calling me on my phone . I have stopped contact with the kids. I don't care what he is doing and I don't want to hear about him. His alcoholism will get worse and I know that . I have sanity now I don't hear off him and I love it. I get upset when I heard things about him hence my reason for totally cutting off all connections to him.

I have my down days now and again . But I know I was a good woman to him . He was my world. My self esteem is coming back and I know I deserve better than him. Like someone has responded on my post..... Why did I want him back anyway. It was because I was wearing rose tinted glasses and was focussing on the good (which was rare) rather than focussing on the abuse and hell he put me through.

No contact at first killed but it's the best thing I have ever done to heal me . Never thought I would start to feel better but I do but only by taking the steps to cut him totally out if my life like I have done

Lifeishard

Hi all. Sorry to post but really down today. House move massively delayed due to sellers solicitor not speeding up my sellers leasehold to freehold purchase as I am buying house freehold. Going to be end of June now. I feel terrible today. Just a really down day full of bitterness and resentment towards him. I am finding it hard today as all day I have been upset wondering why I was never good enough and was I just that terrible and unlovable. I have heard absolutely nothing from him. He has been with his alcoholic gf now for 9 months. I sit here thinking was I that bad just because I gave him a choice out of alcohol or his family that he just had to cheat and leave me for her. She's an alcoholic, on benefits, has zero qualities and I am fed up with people coming up to me telling me she is hideous to look at and they can't believe he left me for her. Just makes me feel that I must have been such a vile person if he can be with someone like that.

It's the no remorse or regret that kills me. Today I feel worthless as though she is some god compared to me. Where I work a woman left her husband 6 months ago due to his alcoholism and he stopped drinking on that very day and yesterday she accepted him bAck. Was I not worth giving drink up for?

I am sorry to vent but although I have been doing well today I just can't shake my pain. I still love him but not once has he reached out. He continues to live his life with his gf who evidently he must be happy with as why would he be with her. Today he is always in my thoughts. Please reassure me that I was right to get him to choose between booze and his family as he wAs horrifically abusive to me. He doesn't see the kids but last contact our daughter told me they do nothing but argue ...... Yet he stays with that rather than gets help? Please tell me alcoholism is progressive. I need kind words today that my life will get better while his will get worse. I need support today to stop these tears rolling down my face. Please help me today

SparkleKitty

Many big bear hugs to you, lifeishard. I am sorry you are experiencing delays and continued heartache.

I can't remember if you are in therapy or if that is an option for you at this time. It was what helped me let go of the idea that someone else's affection or attention was enough to compensate for my own lack of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love. I can't tell you if his life will get worse; but I can say with confidence that whether his life will get worse or better, YOU have the power to make YOUR life better. It doesn't have anything to do with him; it never did.

You are worthy of better than what you got and get from him.

love4menotu

Hey there.. wanted to reach out to you and tell you my particular brand of ES&H.

First of all, yes - alcoholism is progressive. I have seen it first hand. My ABF picked up after four years of sobriety and he was WORSE than when he stopped four years previously. The disease just laid dormant inside of him until he woke it up again, with a single beer.

Secondly, it's a falsehood to believe that your STBXH will be any different with the other woman that he was with you, his wife. He will continue to be the verbally abusive drunk that he is, unless he stops, and then without the alcohol he'll just be an A*hole.

Honey, he's no prize. You rediscovering who you are is the prize. You have a very valuable opportunity to be who YOU want to be, without a qualifier around telling you what you are or aren't. It's going to take time, so be patient with yourself and know that a year from now you will see this situation entirely differently. I KNOW - I wanted my abusive ex husband back so badly just a year ago.. now? I could care LESS. I don't even care if he lives or dies. I really don't. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I know you are hurt. I've been there too.. but honey, feelings are not facts. Just because you feel that hurt does not mean that you won't heal, and get stronger from this. This will pass. It takes time, but it will, and you will be stronger on the other end. I promise you.

If you want to know how I got through.. it wasn't easy. Therapy, exercise, focusing on myself and learning how to be happy again. To put myself first. To develop a closer relationship with God / my higher power.

I am finally the woman I've always wanted to be. I don't react anymore to drama, I think about it, and respond, if I want to.

Blessings to you.. YOU are going to be ok. Chances are, he won't.

L

Lifeishard

Hi all thank you for your kind words. Finally stopped crying for the day. I was doing so well but I suppose down days are to be expected. I need to try to get it into my thick head that alcoholism is progressive unless he seeks help for the addiction. I saw it progress myself. It's just now and again I think the other woman he left me for must be better than me despite being an alcoholic. I also need to try to accept that I won't ever the remorse, regret and closure that I have never had. I have never struggled to get over the break down of a relationship before ..... Adored my husband that's why. It hurts that he never realised what I was worth and loved me. Thankfully the bad days are once a fortnight now rather than daily. It's just today has been the longest I have cried in a long time. I rush I could get to the I don't care stage. Thank you for the reassurance

Jupiters

hang onto that
some day they will be even less frequent. Frankly, you're inspiring.
Give yourself some credit.

LightInside

Hi LIH!

It's good to hear from you. I'm glad you reached out.

Those bad days and feelings do pop up, sometimes the day after a really good day. It's called a grief cycle because it really does cycle around. What matters is the trend. If you are getting better, then are getting better.

There will come a point where you will think he is very sick or stupid to not want you. Do you remember when you first got together with him? What made you happy then? Not him, other stuff that made you happy. What kept you cheerful? What made you feel pretty? What was it that you you liked about yourself? What did he like about you? I bet you still have all of that within you. You just had an angry person squishing it down. Remember that young woman. What can you bring back from her? What are you glad that you know better than her? What are you proud of that you've accomplished since that time in your life? What do you like better about your present self?

Have you met any healthy, positive people lately? Maybe you already know some, but you've never really spent time with them. Can you put together some social time for fun? New friends who don't know you and X as a couple will help you focus on your new life. They will see you for you and help you remember all the good things about you. They might help you discover things you never knew.

The weather is perfect for getting people out of their shells over here. How about across "the pond?"

Thinking

It's just that she shares an addiction with him. He is sliding downhill to a life that you don't want to live. You don't want to share that life with him.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. (((hugs)))

Lifeishard

Update..... Doing so much better thanks to ex husbands first wife. I was out doing good shopping and I bumped into ah's ex wife and she asked how I am. Told her I can't believe what he did and she told me he cheated on her. I was shocked as he told me they split because they had grown apart. She stated yes they had because of his drinking but she found out he had been sleeping with another woman so she packed her stuff that very day and never looked back.

I had put my ex on a pedestal believing it was the alcohol progression that's de him cheat on me. I truly thought he only cheated because of alcoholism! Wow I was wrong. There's me thinking he was a decent honest family man before his drinking got worse..... No he wasn't he was and is a serial cheat.

I remember the lies his family fed me when we met and quoted 'he hasn't got a chesting bone in his body'...... All liars. Fed a pack of bull to conceal what he really was and is. Found out he cheated on his gf before his first wife as well.

I am sooo angry. Cheated on all of us and gets away with it. Yes I am better but it still hurts now and again and I have nightmares sometimes. Can't believe his entire family fed me lies. It hurts that he picked up the pieces and I still sometimes hurt. Can't date ... Decided to stay alone as that way I can't get hurt .

Feel sooo stupid now believing in him ..... Well in us.... There never was an us.... Just other women and beer

Hawkeye13

Use the anger to put him behind you for good

HealingWillCome

LIH, hello.

You have been given the gift of truth. Now take it and run with it! As Hawkeye said, time to put him behind you for good.

And in those moments when you start to feel sad and beat yourself up again, come back and re-read what you wrote today. Remind yourself of the truth of who he is.

And then, more importantly, re-read this:

The above post by love4menotu says it beautifully. Make this an opportunity to get yourself back. It's the best gift you can give yourself and your children. I'm happy for you. Good things are happening!

Bullfrog

Yes, I found out about some very questionable fidelity stuff AFTER the divorce. Something always felt "off" in that department but I convinced myself I was nuts. Well, I wasn't nuts. Finding out was surprisingly a huge blessing for me, and helped me with any remaining guilt I had in leaving. I honestly wasn't angry so much as relieved and felt FREE.

Lifeishard

Still such a shock realising that I didn't really know the man I married. I have come so far in the last year. Kids are happy now. To think all them times he went off on golf weekends.... Probably wasn't .... Was more than likely with other women.

I am glad she told me. Beating myself up over and over again blaming the drink for everything x

Lifeishard

Today I am feeling really low. The kids are at a childminders and I am at home supposed to be working but I am lying in my bed right now in tears. Haven't cried for weeks but today I am terribly upset. Last night one of his friends knocked on my door to see how I am and to say he can't believe that my ex left me. He told me how my ex and him used to talk and weeks before we split my ex was telling him I was his world. I was that much of his world that he left me for an alcoholic woman on the dole. His friend said he wAnts to see my ex and have words with him as he himself can't believe he is with this woman. I explained to his friend that my ex is an alcoholic and he said he knew that as his mom and dad smell alcohol on him every time they bump into him. He also told me my ex is going on holiday abroad with his gf soon. His friend wants to have words with him as he thinks loosing me and not getting help for his addiction is the biggest mistake he has ever made. I told his friend that he can't help him, no one can. He told me my exes parents have spoke to his parents and have said that he is hurting badly after our split but they continue to deny he is an alcoholic. They feel sorry for their son.

So I am upset and angry!!! They feel sorry for their son who abused me! I was emotionally tortured for years by their son and the kids got called names!! Not once have they spoke to me despite living 3 doors away! What about what he did to me?

And then I am upset as despite knowing my ex is hurting not once has he initiated contact to even say sorry. 14 months after we split not one apology nothing. I remain shocked that he can even keep a relationship with a woman even though she is an alcoholic. They are going on holiday where's I am penniless! I truly believed no woman would stay with him.... I was wrong. It's me that looks the mug saying his drinking would drive her away so his family think his drinking is all in my head!!! I look like the idiot now while he continues to have a mega paid job, a home , a car and holidays while I struggle financially and emotionally.

I still miss him. I finally move home on 15th August away from his family who live on my street a couple if houses away. I have been single for 14 months. I have been asked out numerous times but don't seem to be able to emotionally connect with any men at all. There's a lovely man I have been seeing as friends and there are no red flags that my therapy has taught me not to ignore but I cannot emotionally connect with anyone. I feel I have been that emotionally destroyed that I cannot ever let a man in my life again. I simply can't connect or 'feel' for any man.

I am angry and tearful. I feel like I am destined to be single as I 'can't feel'. I am angry my ex is still with his alcoholic and that his life hadn't fallen apart like mine has, I am upset as to how he has never contacted me ..... I just don't feel anymore and take each day at a time. I really want my life back but this is existing not living. I have never hurt anyone in my life and I can't believe that the ex still hurts but continues in a relationship with an alcoholic woman.

I am 41 and don't want to be like this for another year. It's been awful. I do work in myself and remain in zero contact but I am still frequently numb. I feel like he has destroyed my life while he lives it up all happy. I am dreadfully lonely.

I keep saying to myself more will be revealed in the hope that he will hit rock bottom, he will lose his job, gf and home and then everyone will know the truth and believe what he did to me.