He chose alcohol and another woman over his family
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by Lifeishard 
I have cut contact with him and our mutual friends. Him telling me he doesn't love me was so clear and he was indifferent and emotionless. He said he fell out of love with me 9 months ago when he first left. Why use me then for 6 months? Was it a game just to see if the other woman would stick around so he could then dump me? God this kills. I cry when kids are on bed so they don't see me . I think I am depressed and need time off work. I have no friends now, 2 alcoholic parents, his family have disowned me for telling them about their sons drinking problem, I have no siblings I have no one. The last month I have just isolated myself in my house . I am staying in to try to heal in privacy and to think and focus on me .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Just found out completion date to move is 11th may. Doing this all on my own as no family. I am scared. But I have to get out of 'our' house. Just found out he was cocky to my aunt this morning asking her where I am moving to. She said she doesn't know. He laughed and said an area which I was moving to (nice to know the person who must have told him is a mutual friend who I have now wiped my hands of). Fortunately not updated this person as to where I am really moving to. I really don't see why he should know where I live.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Lifeishard, i think it's in times like these that we get a sense of our true FRIENDS and reliable contacts. good for you for ditching those that don't have your best interests in mind! you can DO this....one box at a time. you'll get YOUR fresh start too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: durban, south africa
Posts: 14
Wow! Your situation right now was mine this time last year. Identical story, infact while reading it, I thought it was an old post oF mine. I actually cried while reading your post because I feel your pain because it took me back to those dark days a year ago. I fell apart totally, lost so much weight, couldn't look after my kids properly, was deeply depressed and so so sick with co dependency. There were days when I couldn't even get out of bed because it hurt too much just to be awake. To live with the fact that the person I loved deeply could walk away from our two small kids and myself without a care in the world and casually move on with someone else totally killed me. He had all the power and he knew it, he played me like a fine tuned guitar. When he had enough of the woman he was seeing and was alone then he would want us back and then drop us again for someone new. This went on for a few months and I was so sick that I allowed him to do all that and get away with it. I couldn't see how much he was hurting not only myself but our kids too. They became whiny and miserable and so so clingy on me. After a while I decided to go to counselling with a rehab counsellor for alcoholics and she also helps spouses of alcoholics. The first day I went she told me that he has done me a favour and I looked at her in utter shock as I could not believe she had said that! I didn't understand. She gave me reading material on alcoholism and she worked on building my self esteem again. I beat myself up and blamed myself for everything he did and after researching the disease and a lot of tears and constant counselling and al anon meetings and mainly TIME, I have realised that she was right!! He did do me a favour. After a year of being away from him and absolutely NO CONTACT (except via email regarding the kids), life is so serene. I look back and know that I will never ever go back down that road again. Life is better than it ever was when we were with him. Financially its a bind but I find myself happy again. The kids are happier too. Ill be honest and say that I have days where I feel teary for the loss of what could have been and I miss him but I know that I have no control over his choices and all I can do is pray for him to find sobreity. Its gonna be hard for you a long time and you are gonna go thru a whole lot of grief, anger, denial and finally acceptance but that's gonna take time. Just take care of you (that's the most important thing). Find something that makes you happy, meet up with girlfriends and have ladies evenings. Get your hair done, shop for new clothes, eat healthy and start feeling good about yourself again and don't whateva you do get into a relationship for a long time until you are happy with who YOU are again. I did it because I was so desperate to not be alone but it just ends in tears because I wasn't healthy enough emotionally to give anything of myself. I'm sorry this is so long winded but I just have so much to tell you as to how your life is going to blossom once again in the future. I promise you that you will get through this. Yes, you will be battered and scarred and probably have some issues too but continue working on them and when you come out the dark horrible tunnel that you're in and you see the beautiful sunlight at the other side, you will smile for sure. Thinking of you and big big hugs for you and your kiddos. Oh and don't take this all personally, it is not you. He is a sick sick man and all what he has done is classic alcoholic thinking. You and the kids are just a bind in his crappy lifestyle. He can't deal with responsibility and it inteferes with his one true love, ALCOHOL. That woman is just a pawn in his sick little life and let's face it? Two alkies together! Recipe for a whole lotta destruction. So leave him to his own devices, play hardball and CUT CONTACT. Do not listen to the ******** and self pity and lies. The words are not sincere believe me!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Please go back and re-read your post from 4 days ago! You were just talking about how unhappy he really is. And he really is unhappy. Believe it!
She used your innocent kids to get to you. That is cruel. I know you're hurting, and I am so sorry...but please do not let her into your head. Be there and be strong for your kids. Show them what real happiness means. Build that new home of yours into a safe, nurturing, happy home where they will learn that alcohol is not the norm.
Your peace and your happiness are yours to reclaim. Time and space will help you to heal. Keep going...you will get there! He ain't no prize. I know you love him, but it's time to love yourself and your children more.
She used your innocent kids to get to you. That is cruel. I know you're hurting, and I am so sorry...but please do not let her into your head. Be there and be strong for your kids. Show them what real happiness means. Build that new home of yours into a safe, nurturing, happy home where they will learn that alcohol is not the norm.
Your peace and your happiness are yours to reclaim. Time and space will help you to heal. Keep going...you will get there! He ain't no prize. I know you love him, but it's time to love yourself and your children more.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
When it's time to move, don't be afraid to ask for help! I was in a similar situation when I moved out of a 2500 sq ft house full of possessions with my three babies and no family to help. I had an army of friends show up that day.
A month after we moved into our new home and neighborhood, I thanked everyone with a barbecue. We celebrated my youngest's first birthday and our new beginning and had a great party!
A month after we moved into our new home and neighborhood, I thanked everyone with a barbecue. We celebrated my youngest's first birthday and our new beginning and had a great party!
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
You did not get back on your feet so that you could run back to the same thing that knocked you on your tush.
The only difference in before and now is that "he" has found someone else and your pride is wounded. Perhaps you thought he would "come to his senses" and realized how much he needed you, that he would somehow come to see your value. If so that would not be in character with alcoholism. Alcoholism is a self-adsorbed condition that is degenerative, it causes physical and mental deterioration and if recovery is not sought you become a caregiver. Alcoholism is like a wildfire that destroys all in it's path, it does not negotiate nor discriminate, it only seeks to feed it'self and will eventually destroy it's host.
Even if recovery is sought, there is a long row to hoe. Everything from "dry drunk" to pink clouds to living under the constant and ever present possibility of relapse. The ingestion of chemicals will change the metabolic make up of a person over time. Alcoholics and codependents are drawn to each other just like bugs to a light. There is more of an attachment than a relationship. They feed off each other, this is one of the reasons the cycle repeats so often. Both become addicted to drama and feel out of place in "normie" relationships. The "nonner" will often enter into relationship with another addict if the relationship with the 1st one ends. The "nonner"'s greatest fear is that the "relationship" ends. Taking the relationship from the codependent is like pouring out the A's booze-futile unless change (recovery) is sought. They will simply replace the source actively seeking to fill the void with another relationship ASAP.
Take some time and grieve and allow your wounds to heal. By no means isolate, but BF entering into a relationship, set some boundaries and have some criterion (no drugs, no booze, no gambling nor mental illnesses is a good start). Look for what you have to offer to a relationship and what you need from one. Do not mistake being "needed" for being loved. A relationship is like buying a car. It needs to have "all it needs" before an investment is made. Buying a car in need of repair is undesirable, the same is true of relationships. Take some time off, rebuild, study and search, join a recovery F2F group and work the steps..You will be transformed in no time at all and you will be amazed at the effect addiction had on your life and you will be just as amazed how in no time you will struggle to remember "what's his names" birthday. This other woman..has done you the biggest favor of your life, if it keeps you from returning to a toxic relationship.
Once you grieve and detox you will thrive. (YANA. . Hug)
The only difference in before and now is that "he" has found someone else and your pride is wounded. Perhaps you thought he would "come to his senses" and realized how much he needed you, that he would somehow come to see your value. If so that would not be in character with alcoholism. Alcoholism is a self-adsorbed condition that is degenerative, it causes physical and mental deterioration and if recovery is not sought you become a caregiver. Alcoholism is like a wildfire that destroys all in it's path, it does not negotiate nor discriminate, it only seeks to feed it'self and will eventually destroy it's host.
Even if recovery is sought, there is a long row to hoe. Everything from "dry drunk" to pink clouds to living under the constant and ever present possibility of relapse. The ingestion of chemicals will change the metabolic make up of a person over time. Alcoholics and codependents are drawn to each other just like bugs to a light. There is more of an attachment than a relationship. They feed off each other, this is one of the reasons the cycle repeats so often. Both become addicted to drama and feel out of place in "normie" relationships. The "nonner" will often enter into relationship with another addict if the relationship with the 1st one ends. The "nonner"'s greatest fear is that the "relationship" ends. Taking the relationship from the codependent is like pouring out the A's booze-futile unless change (recovery) is sought. They will simply replace the source actively seeking to fill the void with another relationship ASAP.
Take some time and grieve and allow your wounds to heal. By no means isolate, but BF entering into a relationship, set some boundaries and have some criterion (no drugs, no booze, no gambling nor mental illnesses is a good start). Look for what you have to offer to a relationship and what you need from one. Do not mistake being "needed" for being loved. A relationship is like buying a car. It needs to have "all it needs" before an investment is made. Buying a car in need of repair is undesirable, the same is true of relationships. Take some time off, rebuild, study and search, join a recovery F2F group and work the steps..You will be transformed in no time at all and you will be amazed at the effect addiction had on your life and you will be just as amazed how in no time you will struggle to remember "what's his names" birthday. This other woman..has done you the biggest favor of your life, if it keeps you from returning to a toxic relationship.
Once you grieve and detox you will thrive. (YANA. . Hug)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Life is hard,
I just want to give you a little warning. I'm not saying that you will go through things in the same way that I did, but it's possible that you could and I'd like you to be ready.
One, when I moved out of our family home into my new apartment, it was not a lateral move in the amount out space or amenities. It really reopened the wound for me (7 months later). I felt like I took many steps back in my grief for many reasons. Maybe have a safety net for this - I think I would have done better if I'd stayed on antidepressants longer (I went back on); if I'd trusted different people to help me (actually my sister and mom were great), and if my X hadn't been a total d:ck to me about the move.
Two, he will probably keep saying and doing things that get to you in very subtle ways. My X knows just what my weak spots are and he totally made comments to me that only I would be so crushed by. I guess having a "thicker skin" would have helped. There is a saying in recovery groups, "new playground, new friends." I have learned which "friends" to avoid simply because they want to tell me stuff he said about me or our relationship. I've had to tell people to watch what they repeat to me, because I WILL read into things. Many things he says make me just as unhappy as if he would say the opposite. For example, if he said he was going to treatment, I'd wonder why he wouldn't do that while we were together, but him NOT going to treatment bugs me too. It's better for me to just NOT KNOW what he says or does unless it affects or son.
Three, sometimes he throws me a crumb. He will be "nice" or even perhaps sentimental. This is tough, because all I wanted was for us to work out. I get false hope a lot. There is A LOT of denial in this disease. I am starting to see the irreversibility of this damage and that is painful. I have to ignore and be impervious to the crumbs he throws just as much as to the abuse. It's only temporary when they're nice unless they've been in recovery for a long time.
I'm glad you wiped your hands of the friend you couldn't trust. There might be others. Watch out.
I hope this is useful for you. <3
I just want to give you a little warning. I'm not saying that you will go through things in the same way that I did, but it's possible that you could and I'd like you to be ready.
One, when I moved out of our family home into my new apartment, it was not a lateral move in the amount out space or amenities. It really reopened the wound for me (7 months later). I felt like I took many steps back in my grief for many reasons. Maybe have a safety net for this - I think I would have done better if I'd stayed on antidepressants longer (I went back on); if I'd trusted different people to help me (actually my sister and mom were great), and if my X hadn't been a total d:ck to me about the move.
Two, he will probably keep saying and doing things that get to you in very subtle ways. My X knows just what my weak spots are and he totally made comments to me that only I would be so crushed by. I guess having a "thicker skin" would have helped. There is a saying in recovery groups, "new playground, new friends." I have learned which "friends" to avoid simply because they want to tell me stuff he said about me or our relationship. I've had to tell people to watch what they repeat to me, because I WILL read into things. Many things he says make me just as unhappy as if he would say the opposite. For example, if he said he was going to treatment, I'd wonder why he wouldn't do that while we were together, but him NOT going to treatment bugs me too. It's better for me to just NOT KNOW what he says or does unless it affects or son.
Three, sometimes he throws me a crumb. He will be "nice" or even perhaps sentimental. This is tough, because all I wanted was for us to work out. I get false hope a lot. There is A LOT of denial in this disease. I am starting to see the irreversibility of this damage and that is painful. I have to ignore and be impervious to the crumbs he throws just as much as to the abuse. It's only temporary when they're nice unless they've been in recovery for a long time.
I'm glad you wiped your hands of the friend you couldn't trust. There might be others. Watch out.
I hope this is useful for you. <3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Also, I recommend blocking both of those A's on Facebook. You won't see a thing they post and they won't see a thing you post. My X went on and on a couple of times about how he hated pugs while we were together. A month or two ago, he posted videos on a mutual friend's Facebook wall of pugs ruining around and said, "Way too cute!" Seeing this nearly drove me insane. I was already insane to be so affected by something so trivial. I just couldn't stand seeing him pretend to be something or someone just to impress a woman. That was part of my wound reopening and I blocked him that night. I still just have so many opinions of what I think he should be doing. It's effing crazy and I'm glad I'm working on recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Hi Lifeishard,
I`m sorry you have to go through this painful situation.
I go to something similar....and I know how it hurts.
You wrote your husband told you that he didn`t love you since 7 months?
Look at my husband: He told me, he didn`t love me since 7 years...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I instead think: HE HAS NEVER LOVED ME! NEVER!!!!!!!!
If he would, he hadn`t been able to act so cruel and mean like he did!
He told me horrible things:
He wouldn`t love me,
I was the reason to start drinking
If he had left before- he wouldn`t start .
He smokes less if I`m not at home (By the way: Why does he stink of smoke, as my daughter tells me, still???)
I`m nothing, I`m only ill, I´m a burden
and he want to LIVE!!!!
He even told me: "I will move out, and then I want a NEW woman!!!"
He has become selfish, rude and mind boggling.
Before he started to drink regularly, he was a very kind man, cute, sensible, good-looking.
But his drinking has made a different human being:
Now he is big, very big, has a horrible face expression most of the day...depressive...
I can`t describe.
He hurt me so much, I can really understand how you suffer.
But you have so much more than he has or his "girlfriend"
Whats that for a woman?
She goes with a married man with two children???
She will do something like this again.
And she is an alcoholic....do you really believe that they are happy???
It will come the day, where justice wins.And you will feel it.
Everybody get one`s comeuppance some day....I`m sure.
I also suffer, but I`m also glad to have found you all.
We are strong!
Greetings...
I`m sorry you have to go through this painful situation.
I go to something similar....and I know how it hurts.
You wrote your husband told you that he didn`t love you since 7 months?
Look at my husband: He told me, he didn`t love me since 7 years...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I instead think: HE HAS NEVER LOVED ME! NEVER!!!!!!!!
If he would, he hadn`t been able to act so cruel and mean like he did!
He told me horrible things:
He wouldn`t love me,
I was the reason to start drinking
If he had left before- he wouldn`t start .
He smokes less if I`m not at home (By the way: Why does he stink of smoke, as my daughter tells me, still???)
I`m nothing, I`m only ill, I´m a burden
and he want to LIVE!!!!
He even told me: "I will move out, and then I want a NEW woman!!!"
He has become selfish, rude and mind boggling.
Before he started to drink regularly, he was a very kind man, cute, sensible, good-looking.
But his drinking has made a different human being:
Now he is big, very big, has a horrible face expression most of the day...depressive...
I can`t describe.
He hurt me so much, I can really understand how you suffer.
But you have so much more than he has or his "girlfriend"
Whats that for a woman?
She goes with a married man with two children???
She will do something like this again.
And she is an alcoholic....do you really believe that they are happy???
It will come the day, where justice wins.And you will feel it.
Everybody get one`s comeuppance some day....I`m sure.
I also suffer, but I`m also glad to have found you all.
We are strong!
Greetings...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Thank you all for your support . If I never had kids off him it would be so much easier as it hurts when the kids tell me what they have done and where they have been with him. I am so stressed. I am repetitively getting bad colds one after the other. My counsellor says he did me a favour by leaving. And like you have said the good looking, charming , lovely husband I met has been replaced by a weathered looking , real skinny, person who has such an evil personality I no longer see 1% of the man I first met. Alcohol has well and truly taken his personality to replace it with someone who presents as so evil.
I plan to stay single. For a long time till I love me and value myself. I am just so tired all the time.
Did I mention to you all he dumped 2 kids around my aunts, one with a chest infection, one crying with an ear infection whilst he was clad in golf gear and he would not take them to doctors. My aunt asked him why he has had the kids for 4 days and why couldn't he take kids to doctors immediately. His response....... Ask her to do it.... (He was talking about me). So I am the one who has to fly up doctors, take time off work as he chose to drink and play golf rather than take kids to doctors on his day off. I am soooo angry at him!!!! Both now on antibiotics and suffered while ex n gf guzzled beer. Daughter saying gf constantly stinks off booze like her dad. Swear I don't know how I haven't gone to theirs and screamed at them is beyond me. Still drink driving when he ain't got kids risking publics lives but he don't drink until he got kids from school in which he then necks it to stop his hand shakes. If there is a god out there I just wish he would get him to lose his licence.
When I move I am getting a solicitors letter done as I think I have no option to stop all contact with kids . Can't have risks anymore . But then 4 year old suddenly pipped up he misses daddy. Feel guilt stopping him seeing them but worry sick for their safety when he has them. God it's so hard
I plan to stay single. For a long time till I love me and value myself. I am just so tired all the time.
Did I mention to you all he dumped 2 kids around my aunts, one with a chest infection, one crying with an ear infection whilst he was clad in golf gear and he would not take them to doctors. My aunt asked him why he has had the kids for 4 days and why couldn't he take kids to doctors immediately. His response....... Ask her to do it.... (He was talking about me). So I am the one who has to fly up doctors, take time off work as he chose to drink and play golf rather than take kids to doctors on his day off. I am soooo angry at him!!!! Both now on antibiotics and suffered while ex n gf guzzled beer. Daughter saying gf constantly stinks off booze like her dad. Swear I don't know how I haven't gone to theirs and screamed at them is beyond me. Still drink driving when he ain't got kids risking publics lives but he don't drink until he got kids from school in which he then necks it to stop his hand shakes. If there is a god out there I just wish he would get him to lose his licence.
When I move I am getting a solicitors letter done as I think I have no option to stop all contact with kids . Can't have risks anymore . But then 4 year old suddenly pipped up he misses daddy. Feel guilt stopping him seeing them but worry sick for their safety when he has them. God it's so hard
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Can you get the courts to mandate supervised visits? Here in the States we have professional visitation supervisors for people like your X. The gf might not be allowed to attend visits that way either. That way the kids can still have their time with dad. They deserve that, as long as he's not abusive to them (Actually, not taking them to the dr. is neglectful to day the least).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
I can relate to what you are saying. I am also 42. I am not married, but was dating my alcoholic BF for 3 years and we have broken up and gotten back together many times. At one time he was dating on match.com and I actually saw the page on my computer and saw the women he was talking to and, like your situation, he was talking to everyone and anyone - even 60 year olds. And the sluttier the better.
I myself am attractive, a lawyer (so is he, that's how we met), I own my house, I'm financially responsible, and I went out of my way to always be doing things for him. It made no sense to me. I was completely heartbroken.
And then, months later he came and asked me for another chance, claiming he had been sober for 3 months and he blamed everything that happened in the past on the drinking. It made sense (at least I wanted to believe it) because I still loved him. He had lost his house (an indirect consequence of his drinking) and was living with his sister at the time. So it was really easy for him to just move in with me even though we probably wouldn't have if he had his own place. So things were great for a few months and then I started to find hidden alcohol all over the house and he was spending all his time in the basement (after which I would find hidden bottles down there).
Most recently I confronted him about it and he left. Just like that, moved out and moved back into his sister's basement. I know he wants to be there so he can drink as much as he wants but it still hurts. At my house he was provided with all the amenities - cable tv, netflix, a treadmill, computer and internet, a vitamix and a juicer, his own bathroom and shower, a garage which I gave him exclusive use of, a basement which had a workbench for his tools, and I did all the grocery shopping and the refrigerator was always stocked with his favorite foods, made his lunch, bought the coffee, did all the cleaning. He did pay rent but it was very minimal for what he was getting. Yet he has chosen instead to live in his sister's basement. It makes absolutely no sense and I am so broken.
I do believe he is seeing another woman that we work with (she is also a lawyer and semi attractive) but he has told me she is also an alcoholic and she went to rehab and everything. So I guess they are perfect for eachother. He denies this but my gut feeling tells me they are.
I am having a really hard time. He won't talk to me or return my calls. He left my whole garage full with his tools and boat stuff and car parts, etc. I have asked him to pick them up but he won't. I know it's because there is no room at his sisters. Now he wants to pay me to store the stuff. What a slap in the face! He doesn't want to live here but he wants to use it as storage. I just want his stuff gone and to have no contact. Because I know his MO and he will probably come back in 6 months to get his stuff and then will beg me to take him back and I am so vulnerable.
Good luck with your situation. We deserve so much better.
I myself am attractive, a lawyer (so is he, that's how we met), I own my house, I'm financially responsible, and I went out of my way to always be doing things for him. It made no sense to me. I was completely heartbroken.
And then, months later he came and asked me for another chance, claiming he had been sober for 3 months and he blamed everything that happened in the past on the drinking. It made sense (at least I wanted to believe it) because I still loved him. He had lost his house (an indirect consequence of his drinking) and was living with his sister at the time. So it was really easy for him to just move in with me even though we probably wouldn't have if he had his own place. So things were great for a few months and then I started to find hidden alcohol all over the house and he was spending all his time in the basement (after which I would find hidden bottles down there).
Most recently I confronted him about it and he left. Just like that, moved out and moved back into his sister's basement. I know he wants to be there so he can drink as much as he wants but it still hurts. At my house he was provided with all the amenities - cable tv, netflix, a treadmill, computer and internet, a vitamix and a juicer, his own bathroom and shower, a garage which I gave him exclusive use of, a basement which had a workbench for his tools, and I did all the grocery shopping and the refrigerator was always stocked with his favorite foods, made his lunch, bought the coffee, did all the cleaning. He did pay rent but it was very minimal for what he was getting. Yet he has chosen instead to live in his sister's basement. It makes absolutely no sense and I am so broken.
I do believe he is seeing another woman that we work with (she is also a lawyer and semi attractive) but he has told me she is also an alcoholic and she went to rehab and everything. So I guess they are perfect for eachother. He denies this but my gut feeling tells me they are.
I am having a really hard time. He won't talk to me or return my calls. He left my whole garage full with his tools and boat stuff and car parts, etc. I have asked him to pick them up but he won't. I know it's because there is no room at his sisters. Now he wants to pay me to store the stuff. What a slap in the face! He doesn't want to live here but he wants to use it as storage. I just want his stuff gone and to have no contact. Because I know his MO and he will probably come back in 6 months to get his stuff and then will beg me to take him back and I am so vulnerable.
Good luck with your situation. We deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by AmandaOliver
I can relate to what you are saying. I am also 42. I am not married, but was dating my alcoholic BF for 3 years and we have broken up and gotten back together many times. At one time he was dating on match.com and I actually saw the page on my computer and saw the women he was talking to and, like your situation, he was talking to everyone and anyone - even 60 year olds. And the sluttier the better.
I myself am attractive, a lawyer (so is he, that's how we met), I own my house, I'm financially responsible, and I went out of my way to always be doing things for him. It made no sense to me. I was completely heartbroken.
And then, months later he came and asked me for another chance, claiming he had been sober for 3 months and he blamed everything that happened in the past on the drinking. It made sense (at least I wanted to believe it) because I still loved him. He had lost his house (an indirect consequence of his drinking) and was living with his sister at the time. So it was really easy for him to just move in with me even though we probably wouldn't have if he had his own place. So things were great for a few months and then I started to find hidden alcohol all over the house and he was spending all his time in the basement (after which I would find hidden bottles down there).
Most recently I confronted him about it and he left. Just like that, moved out and moved back into his sister's basement. I know he wants to be there so he can drink as much as he wants but it still hurts. At my house he was provided with all the amenities - cable tv, netflix, a treadmill, computer and internet, a vitamix and a juicer, his own bathroom and shower, a garage which I gave him exclusive use of, a basement which had a workbench for his tools, and I did all the grocery shopping and the refrigerator was always stocked with his favorite foods, made his lunch, bought the coffee, did all the cleaning. He did pay rent but it was very minimal for what he was getting. Yet he has chosen instead to live in his sister's basement. It makes absolutely no sense and I am so broken.
I do believe he is seeing another woman that we work with (she is also a lawyer and semi attractive) but he has told me she is also an alcoholic and she went to rehab and everything. So I guess they are perfect for eachother. He denies this but my gut feeling tells me they are.
I am having a really hard time. He won't talk to me or return my calls. He left my whole garage full with his tools and boat stuff and car parts, etc. I have asked him to pick them up but he won't. I know it's because there is no room at his sisters. Now he wants to pay me to store the stuff. What a slap in the face! He doesn't want to live here but he wants to use it as storage. I just want his stuff gone and to have no contact. Because I know his MO and he will probably come back in 6 months to get his stuff and then will beg me to take him back and I am so vulnerable.
Good luck with your situation. We deserve so much better.
I myself am attractive, a lawyer (so is he, that's how we met), I own my house, I'm financially responsible, and I went out of my way to always be doing things for him. It made no sense to me. I was completely heartbroken.
And then, months later he came and asked me for another chance, claiming he had been sober for 3 months and he blamed everything that happened in the past on the drinking. It made sense (at least I wanted to believe it) because I still loved him. He had lost his house (an indirect consequence of his drinking) and was living with his sister at the time. So it was really easy for him to just move in with me even though we probably wouldn't have if he had his own place. So things were great for a few months and then I started to find hidden alcohol all over the house and he was spending all his time in the basement (after which I would find hidden bottles down there).
Most recently I confronted him about it and he left. Just like that, moved out and moved back into his sister's basement. I know he wants to be there so he can drink as much as he wants but it still hurts. At my house he was provided with all the amenities - cable tv, netflix, a treadmill, computer and internet, a vitamix and a juicer, his own bathroom and shower, a garage which I gave him exclusive use of, a basement which had a workbench for his tools, and I did all the grocery shopping and the refrigerator was always stocked with his favorite foods, made his lunch, bought the coffee, did all the cleaning. He did pay rent but it was very minimal for what he was getting. Yet he has chosen instead to live in his sister's basement. It makes absolutely no sense and I am so broken.
I do believe he is seeing another woman that we work with (she is also a lawyer and semi attractive) but he has told me she is also an alcoholic and she went to rehab and everything. So I guess they are perfect for eachother. He denies this but my gut feeling tells me they are.
I am having a really hard time. He won't talk to me or return my calls. He left my whole garage full with his tools and boat stuff and car parts, etc. I have asked him to pick them up but he won't. I know it's because there is no room at his sisters. Now he wants to pay me to store the stuff. What a slap in the face! He doesn't want to live here but he wants to use it as storage. I just want his stuff gone and to have no contact. Because I know his MO and he will probably come back in 6 months to get his stuff and then will beg me to take him back and I am so vulnerable.
Good luck with your situation. We deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Sell the stuff--take out an ad and let someone pay you to take it.
If you want to get him off his arse, send him a copy of the ad the day before it runs
and tell him the clock is ticking.
Another option is to take it to Goodwill where a person in need can have the use of it.
Change the locks, change your number, and realize you've learned a valuable lesson and will do much better when a man worthy of you enters the stage vacant of EXABF.
You do deserve so much better, and you will bring it into your life as you heal
If you want to get him off his arse, send him a copy of the ad the day before it runs
and tell him the clock is ticking.
Another option is to take it to Goodwill where a person in need can have the use of it.
Change the locks, change your number, and realize you've learned a valuable lesson and will do much better when a man worthy of you enters the stage vacant of EXABF.
You do deserve so much better, and you will bring it into your life as you heal
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Shocking what alcoholics do isn't it. I am feeling much better but the house I bought has fallen through. The chain above broke down so they have took the house I was going to buy off the market . So now I am distressed as I have to find another house and there is nothing I want available. Worried I will lose my buyers if I don't find a house soon. Moving is the final piece if my life to help me fully move on. I just seem to have so many things go wrong for me when I have already been through enough . I just don't understand why I still get grief in my life when I have been through more than enough with my abusive ex. I am totally fed up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Thank you codiejob I need the support at the moment. I just want a home with a nice garden where my kids and I will be happy. If I lose my buyers because I can't find no where I am back to square one. I really struggle living in 'our' home. I can't explain but it is as though the house I live in is a barrier to moving on. His mark is in my home. It doesn't feel like my home. X
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