He chose alcohol and another woman over his family
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Hi, Lifeishard. I rarely post here anymore but your post really brought me back to the place I used to be in after my AX left me, yet again. He betrayed me repeatedly, and on so many levels, that I was absolutely gutted and really felt that I would never recover from the pain and shock or be happy again. I too, had to endure my A leaving me whilst blaming me and putting me down, and then sauntering off to his new (old) life to hang out with the drunks he associated with before he met me. The ones he swore were low-lifes and losers that he never wanted to see again. Yeah, those ones. They are his bosom buddies once again.
And you know what? I can finally say...I don't care! Although it was a real struggle, I am happier than I have been in years now. It's a few months shy of a year since my AX left me the final time, and I'm not perfect, sometimes I still think of the betrayal and it hurts, but it does not hurt at all on the magnitude that it once did.
What helped: I forced myself to go out and do things and be with people so that I wouldn't be isolated at home. I am a single mother and we all know that going to work and being with your kids can still be isolating because it's not time for you to relax and get to talk to other adults about whatever. I dreaded going out but I forced myself to go to anything at all, with my kids or alone when I had time alone.
I had the option of working from home but instead of doing it every day, I made sure I still went into the office twice a week. Although I was stressed and the last thing I felt like doing was going to work, once I got there I found that I forgot about my worries and got excited about my work. It was good to feel competent and not isolated.
I also forced myself to do my hobbies, cooking and art. I didn't feel like eating and I was completely uninspired artistically. However, I forced myself to do it and eventually began to feel pleasure from doing my hobbies again. It also made me remember that I am a talented and interesting person and that my ex was a fool for letting such a great woman go. Ha ha!
So even though you may not feel like going to the office or doing hobbies or getting out there socially, you have to. They say "belief follows behavior". What this means is that, even when you feel like you don't want to do something, your deciding to do it (behavior) will eventually give you the sense of happiness/accomplishment/wanting to do it (belief).
I tried AlAnon briefly. It made me angry and frankly, I was sick to death of talking about my AX. I know it's helpful for some people, and I did read the Beatty books. Those helped a lot. I read them over and over again over three years. Last week, I threw them out. I've got them memorized but more importantly, I'm just not the codependent little person I used to be and I don't think I ever will be again. For whatever reason, I've changed deeply and now when someone treats me poorly, my immediate reaction is to be repulsed by them--NOT to long to be with them.
(I'm dating a really nice guy now, too. He's stable and thoughtful and treats me fantastically. That has helped, too. If I hadn't forced myself to go out that one random Wednesday night, I never would've met this cute guy at the coffee shop!)
Some here might not agree with me, but I don't think you need to feel sorry for him/understanding about his disease of alcoholism. If it feels better to get angry, if that galvanizes you into taking action to take your life back and start finding happiness again, then BE ANGRY. Also, codependence exists but the codependency movement can also make perfectly normal, caring people who long for intimacy and deep relationships to feel defective because they aren't "100% independent and happy all on their own". Normal people long for intimacy and closeness with others. You just have to find the right people to give it to you. You might find the book "Attached" to be helpful. My therapist recommended it and it made me understand a lot about my attachment style in relationships and how to find a healthy partner.
Life is not just hard, it's also short. Do whatever you need to do to get back among the living and trust that, even though you don't feel happiness now, if you go through the motions, it will eventually come to you. Really. Take it from me, who thought I'd be sad forever.
Oh, and can you take a vacation to a warm beach destination? Like right away? If so, go and lay on the beach for a week. You need to get away ASAP. Sometimes things hurt so much that you simply must just...leave. Even temporarily. Being in new surroundings can snap you out of your misery, even if only for a short while. But it will help turn things around.
And I second the antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds. You don't have to take them forever. But if they can help, do it. You deserve good sleep and to have that obsessional, miserable voice in your ear to be quieted down. You need a break. You deserve it.
And you know what? I can finally say...I don't care! Although it was a real struggle, I am happier than I have been in years now. It's a few months shy of a year since my AX left me the final time, and I'm not perfect, sometimes I still think of the betrayal and it hurts, but it does not hurt at all on the magnitude that it once did.
What helped: I forced myself to go out and do things and be with people so that I wouldn't be isolated at home. I am a single mother and we all know that going to work and being with your kids can still be isolating because it's not time for you to relax and get to talk to other adults about whatever. I dreaded going out but I forced myself to go to anything at all, with my kids or alone when I had time alone.
I had the option of working from home but instead of doing it every day, I made sure I still went into the office twice a week. Although I was stressed and the last thing I felt like doing was going to work, once I got there I found that I forgot about my worries and got excited about my work. It was good to feel competent and not isolated.
I also forced myself to do my hobbies, cooking and art. I didn't feel like eating and I was completely uninspired artistically. However, I forced myself to do it and eventually began to feel pleasure from doing my hobbies again. It also made me remember that I am a talented and interesting person and that my ex was a fool for letting such a great woman go. Ha ha!
So even though you may not feel like going to the office or doing hobbies or getting out there socially, you have to. They say "belief follows behavior". What this means is that, even when you feel like you don't want to do something, your deciding to do it (behavior) will eventually give you the sense of happiness/accomplishment/wanting to do it (belief).
I tried AlAnon briefly. It made me angry and frankly, I was sick to death of talking about my AX. I know it's helpful for some people, and I did read the Beatty books. Those helped a lot. I read them over and over again over three years. Last week, I threw them out. I've got them memorized but more importantly, I'm just not the codependent little person I used to be and I don't think I ever will be again. For whatever reason, I've changed deeply and now when someone treats me poorly, my immediate reaction is to be repulsed by them--NOT to long to be with them.
(I'm dating a really nice guy now, too. He's stable and thoughtful and treats me fantastically. That has helped, too. If I hadn't forced myself to go out that one random Wednesday night, I never would've met this cute guy at the coffee shop!)
Some here might not agree with me, but I don't think you need to feel sorry for him/understanding about his disease of alcoholism. If it feels better to get angry, if that galvanizes you into taking action to take your life back and start finding happiness again, then BE ANGRY. Also, codependence exists but the codependency movement can also make perfectly normal, caring people who long for intimacy and deep relationships to feel defective because they aren't "100% independent and happy all on their own". Normal people long for intimacy and closeness with others. You just have to find the right people to give it to you. You might find the book "Attached" to be helpful. My therapist recommended it and it made me understand a lot about my attachment style in relationships and how to find a healthy partner.
Life is not just hard, it's also short.
Do whatever you need to do to get back among the living and trust that, even though you don't feel happiness now, if you go through the motions, it will eventually come to you. Really. Take it from me, who thought I'd be sad forever.Oh, and can you take a vacation to a warm beach destination? Like right away? If so, go and lay on the beach for a week. You need to get away ASAP. Sometimes things hurt so much that you simply must just...leave. Even temporarily. Being in new surroundings can snap you out of your misery, even if only for a short while. But it will help turn things around.
And I second the antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds. You don't have to take them forever. But if they can help, do it. You deserve good sleep and to have that obsessional, miserable voice in your ear to be quieted down. You need a break. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Hi LifeisHard
I have read your thread.I can understand you so much.
It`s a very sad, brutal and bitter thing what you have to bear.
I go to something similar.
My husband has started to drink 5-6 years ago, before this he drank as well, but not as regular as then...
I `m from Germany, please excuse my mistakes...
In the last years my husband seemed more and more depressive, he has been drinking almost every day.
In the beginning he started with 2 beers (0,5 ltr.) but it has been more and more.
He drank in a kind of cubby...alone with his cigarettes and his personal computer...
He had developed a "Always the same- lifestyle..."
He bought alcohol afternoons, went i his cubby, and drank....
It went worse...he bought more alcohol, heavy alcohol, whiskey, vodka...he drank and drank.
I said him to the face that he will become an alcoholic if he goes on this lifestyle...
No answer of him...
In the last year he started chatting with women...
I didnīt suspect it, I have trusted him always although our relationship was not happy...
he didn`t want sex with me long time.
I thought this was a consequence of drinking excessively..
But one evening I went in his cubby I saw a woman on the screen of his PC and he closed the site fast.
I was in shock.
I felt like my world was broken....HE LOOKS AFTER ANOTHER WOMAN when he is drinking and smoking?
With this discovery our quarrel got out of control...
My husband left in December, telling me Iīm responsible for his drinking career and if he had left before he had never started drinking.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said also he wants a new woman....
He hurt me so much you can`t imagine.
I have no contact with him.I don`t want to see him ....
I hate he breaked up our family.
He never talked with me about what he is missing.
He just decided to drink, smoke, eat like an animal and cheat.
I`m so disappointed I can understand you
We must stay strong.
We should not get on our knees to get such kind of men back...
They are worth nothing....
I feel with you!!!
I have read your thread.I can understand you so much.
It`s a very sad, brutal and bitter thing what you have to bear.
I go to something similar.
My husband has started to drink 5-6 years ago, before this he drank as well, but not as regular as then...
I `m from Germany, please excuse my mistakes...
In the last years my husband seemed more and more depressive, he has been drinking almost every day.
In the beginning he started with 2 beers (0,5 ltr.) but it has been more and more.
He drank in a kind of cubby...alone with his cigarettes and his personal computer...
He had developed a "Always the same- lifestyle..."
He bought alcohol afternoons, went i his cubby, and drank....
It went worse...he bought more alcohol, heavy alcohol, whiskey, vodka...he drank and drank.
I said him to the face that he will become an alcoholic if he goes on this lifestyle...
No answer of him...
In the last year he started chatting with women...
I didnīt suspect it, I have trusted him always although our relationship was not happy...
he didn`t want sex with me long time.
I thought this was a consequence of drinking excessively..
But one evening I went in his cubby I saw a woman on the screen of his PC and he closed the site fast.
I was in shock.
I felt like my world was broken....HE LOOKS AFTER ANOTHER WOMAN when he is drinking and smoking?
With this discovery our quarrel got out of control...
My husband left in December, telling me Iīm responsible for his drinking career and if he had left before he had never started drinking.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said also he wants a new woman....
He hurt me so much you can`t imagine.
I have no contact with him.I don`t want to see him ....
I hate he breaked up our family.
He never talked with me about what he is missing.
He just decided to drink, smoke, eat like an animal and cheat.
I`m so disappointed I can understand you
We must stay strong.
We should not get on our knees to get such kind of men back...
They are worth nothing....
I feel with you!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Hi I have found the other woman who is going through the same (from Germany). Her ex is as sbusive as my ex. Throughout the years my ex used to be drunk snd he would verbally abuse me and the kids and then he would walk out and go on drunken 5 day binges . I would then beg him to come bAck and he would be cocky and arrogant saying he needed to think about it . It was always him that started the abuse and arguments , and most of the time I never even triggered the arguments as I never mentioned him drinking. He always had to start on me and kids for nothing.
My ex is no longer recognisable. He has been replaced by a personality that is so evil, so cruel I no longer recognise any of his personality in him from the first couple of years of our relationship. He is lost to me and he is gone . I don't know who he is anymore.
I have blocked him from calling and texting. I hAve made arrangements for him to get the kids from my aunts. My ex acts like he loathes me and to protect my own mental health I have banned him from coming to my home to get kids. His treatment of me is despicable. Reflecting on our relationship the worst name I ever called his was you are an abusive alcoholic. That was it. What he called me has had me in pieces for 9 months and in therapy.
I bumped into one of his friends today. I was brave and took the kids for a nice meal to a eatery with a park for them to play. This eatery is miles away from my house but his friend was there. He came up to me and said my ex has lost a pretty good thing that being me. He told me he knew his new gf was an alcoholic and his friend said he will just get worse . His friend also said my ex was well known for being an alcoholic and he had offended many people in pubs due to his arrogance , cockiness and nastiness when drunk . His friend told me my ex had upset him a few times with his nastiness when drinking . My eyes filled up with tears and I looked at him and said me and kids experienced the nastiness frequently . His friend wished me well and looked me straight in my eyes and said it is truly his loss.
As another poster has said I struggle over the other woman. With her being an alcoholic and allowing his drink she won't get abused like I did. I imagine him treating her well and them living happily ever after. I imagine her having the lovely man I had when we first met as she won't nag over him drinking so he will treat her right.
I am dying inside but doing my best for the kids.
My ex is no longer recognisable. He has been replaced by a personality that is so evil, so cruel I no longer recognise any of his personality in him from the first couple of years of our relationship. He is lost to me and he is gone . I don't know who he is anymore.
I have blocked him from calling and texting. I hAve made arrangements for him to get the kids from my aunts. My ex acts like he loathes me and to protect my own mental health I have banned him from coming to my home to get kids. His treatment of me is despicable. Reflecting on our relationship the worst name I ever called his was you are an abusive alcoholic. That was it. What he called me has had me in pieces for 9 months and in therapy.
I bumped into one of his friends today. I was brave and took the kids for a nice meal to a eatery with a park for them to play. This eatery is miles away from my house but his friend was there. He came up to me and said my ex has lost a pretty good thing that being me. He told me he knew his new gf was an alcoholic and his friend said he will just get worse . His friend also said my ex was well known for being an alcoholic and he had offended many people in pubs due to his arrogance , cockiness and nastiness when drunk . His friend told me my ex had upset him a few times with his nastiness when drinking . My eyes filled up with tears and I looked at him and said me and kids experienced the nastiness frequently . His friend wished me well and looked me straight in my eyes and said it is truly his loss.
As another poster has said I struggle over the other woman. With her being an alcoholic and allowing his drink she won't get abused like I did. I imagine him treating her well and them living happily ever after. I imagine her having the lovely man I had when we first met as she won't nag over him drinking so he will treat her right.
I am dying inside but doing my best for the kids.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I know it hurts. It will for a while.
When I was going through something similar, I dwelled too long in the depression side and ignored all the good things going on around me. Things that I was lucky to have. Are you and your kids in good physical health? Do you have a home and food to eat? If so, you are way ahead of the game.
I regret not seeking grief counseling that was suggested to me when we first split up. I think it would have saved me a year or two of extra grieving. It took me about 3 years of being VERY sad before I started feeling somewhat normal again. I wouldn't listen to the advice people gave me to help myself because I was so damn depressed and felt super sorry for myself as well as major anger at my ex and the other woman. 5+ years out I see that, although I was blinded then.
Addressing the sadness and anger is important, but equally important (to help you feel better) is being grateful for the things you do have. Yes, your marriage to an abusive alcoholic is over, but now you can start on a new path where YOU do whatever it is that YOU WANT with your kids.
What makes you happy? What do you enjoy?
When I was going through something similar, I dwelled too long in the depression side and ignored all the good things going on around me. Things that I was lucky to have. Are you and your kids in good physical health? Do you have a home and food to eat? If so, you are way ahead of the game.
I regret not seeking grief counseling that was suggested to me when we first split up. I think it would have saved me a year or two of extra grieving. It took me about 3 years of being VERY sad before I started feeling somewhat normal again. I wouldn't listen to the advice people gave me to help myself because I was so damn depressed and felt super sorry for myself as well as major anger at my ex and the other woman. 5+ years out I see that, although I was blinded then.
Addressing the sadness and anger is important, but equally important (to help you feel better) is being grateful for the things you do have. Yes, your marriage to an abusive alcoholic is over, but now you can start on a new path where YOU do whatever it is that YOU WANT with your kids.
What makes you happy? What do you enjoy?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Hi changes choices I have read your post. I can't wait till the day I look back and am relieved it is over. I just imagine his life to be perfect now without me and the kids and his new love allowing him to drink whatever he wants.
I was going to go on holiday but I am selling my home . Although we are married the house is in my name as it was mine when he met me. The sadistic evil person he now is thinks it's right to bring his new gf to all the pubs, eateries we used to go to in the area I live in despite him now living 12 miles away ! Can you believe that he is twisted enough to bring his gf food shopping to where I shop in the town I live and yet he has a shop right opposite his new home!! This is deliberate, intentional, cruel and callous. So I have been busy looking for places to rent until my home can be sold. I am moving approximately 14 miles away from him in the opposite direction so there will be a 24 mile gap between us.
I will start a new life in a new home. I have a beautiful home but too many memories and handprints of 'us '.
I know some people on this board will be upset by my comment here but I really hope he rots, that his gf leaves him and he ends up lonely and pitiful with nothing and no one. This sounds nasty but I hope he feels the pain I have been going through for nearly 10 months. He has destroyed me. His children cry and cry and he called our daughter a F*****g ******. He brings his gf to the town I live 12 miles away to meet our joint friends. He has taken my friends, calls me a psycho to them, goes shopping in my town, and laughs, mocks , belittles me, tells me no one will want me. His mind is sadistically warped. He has succeeded in driving me out if my home , he has cost me my friends and I will no longer shop in my own town. I have heard if you reap what you so and I hope the smile is wiped off his face. Never a straight forward split with an alcoholic..... They set out to destroy everything you have including friends and your sanity. I am sorry for being bitter but he laughs, has a new gf and yet deliberately comes to my area.
I was going to go on holiday but I am selling my home . Although we are married the house is in my name as it was mine when he met me. The sadistic evil person he now is thinks it's right to bring his new gf to all the pubs, eateries we used to go to in the area I live in despite him now living 12 miles away ! Can you believe that he is twisted enough to bring his gf food shopping to where I shop in the town I live and yet he has a shop right opposite his new home!! This is deliberate, intentional, cruel and callous. So I have been busy looking for places to rent until my home can be sold. I am moving approximately 14 miles away from him in the opposite direction so there will be a 24 mile gap between us.
I will start a new life in a new home. I have a beautiful home but too many memories and handprints of 'us '.
I know some people on this board will be upset by my comment here but I really hope he rots, that his gf leaves him and he ends up lonely and pitiful with nothing and no one. This sounds nasty but I hope he feels the pain I have been going through for nearly 10 months. He has destroyed me. His children cry and cry and he called our daughter a F*****g ******. He brings his gf to the town I live 12 miles away to meet our joint friends. He has taken my friends, calls me a psycho to them, goes shopping in my town, and laughs, mocks , belittles me, tells me no one will want me. His mind is sadistically warped. He has succeeded in driving me out if my home , he has cost me my friends and I will no longer shop in my own town. I have heard if you reap what you so and I hope the smile is wiped off his face. Never a straight forward split with an alcoholic..... They set out to destroy everything you have including friends and your sanity. I am sorry for being bitter but he laughs, has a new gf and yet deliberately comes to my area.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Miss fixit thanks for your response . Do you know I don't know my hobbies and interests. My time was spent working , looking after kids, feeding him and kids, cooking and cleaning. My life was all about him and what he wanted. Always and him him and him . His golf weekends away, buying his expensive golf gear, having to pay for child care as he would not have kids in the 2 weeks he did not have to work in every 5 just so he could play golf and drink. When I used to ask him why he wouldn't have kids when he was off work he literally snarled at me telling me he deserved a break from kids and that he earns good money. I used to say I never had a break from kids but then he would snarl at me more. Yeah he was a good wage earner earning 80k but I worked hard earned 65k and was almost mortgage free free on MY home what I had before him! When he left he said he was sick of his wages going on me and kids but did he forget I earned almost as much as him and contributed more to my dedication to him , kids and maintaining the house .
I have written down all the stuff he said to me and if any of you saw it you would all be mortified and would think I should be glad he has gone. Fine ok he has gone I accept that but the bitter twisted evil person he now is is deliberately coming to my area to hurt me.
And in all if this I fear he will treat his new gf like a princess as she permits his drinking due to her own alcoholism. Why has this happened to me ? I did nothing wrong
I have written down all the stuff he said to me and if any of you saw it you would all be mortified and would think I should be glad he has gone. Fine ok he has gone I accept that but the bitter twisted evil person he now is is deliberately coming to my area to hurt me.
And in all if this I fear he will treat his new gf like a princess as she permits his drinking due to her own alcoholism. Why has this happened to me ? I did nothing wrong
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Lifeishard 
Miss fixit thanks for your response . Do you know I don't know my hobbies and interests. My time was spent working , looking after kids, feeding him and kids, cooking and cleaning. My life was all about him and what he wanted. Always and him him and him . His golf weekends away, buying his expensive golf gear, having to pay for child care as he would not have kids in the 2 weeks he did not have to work in every 5 just so he could play golf and drink. When I used to ask him why he wouldn't have kids when he was off work he literally snarled at me telling me he deserved a break from kids and that he earns good money. I used to say I never had a break from kids but then he would snarl at me more. Yeah he was a good wage earner earning 80k but I worked hard earned 65k and was almost mortgage free free on MY home what I had before him! When he left he said he was sick of his wages going on me and kids but did he forget I earned almost as much as him and contributed more to my dedication to him , kids and maintaining the house .
I have written down all the stuff he said to me and if any of you saw it you would all be mortified and would think I should be glad he has gone. Fine ok he has gone I accept that but the bitter twisted evil person he now is is deliberately coming to my area to hurt me.
And in all if this I fear he will treat his new gf like a princess as she permits his drinking due to her own alcoholism. Why has this happened to me ? I did nothing wrong
I have written down all the stuff he said to me and if any of you saw it you would all be mortified and would think I should be glad he has gone. Fine ok he has gone I accept that but the bitter twisted evil person he now is is deliberately coming to my area to hurt me.
And in all if this I fear he will treat his new gf like a princess as she permits his drinking due to her own alcoholism. Why has this happened to me ? I did nothing wrong
Therapy might help you begin to look at why you neglected yourself to focus on your partner for so long. Ignoring self care isn't very healthy. When I started changing my mindset about what was healthy or best for me in the long term within a relationship, I began to change my outlook on relationships and what to expect from them.
How about re-connecting or getting to know yourself better? I am a list maker, so I like to write down things/thoughts in columns to analyze and reflect on them better. When you were a young woman, what (other than a man) did you want in your life? How did you envision your adulthood? Did you want to cook? Travel? Garden? Write? Volunteer? Bar hop? (just kidding)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Hi thanks for all the advice . I am doing my upmost to focus on me and kids. I had a viewing on my house yesterday and on the afternoon the estate sgents called me with an offer. My house is beautiful and I knew it would sell quickly . I viewed a lovely house this morning and am viewing one later today . I think a fresh start in a new area is aust for me and kids . The kids are excited as my house has a tiny back garden but houses viewed have big gardens for kids to play .
The reality is that me ex with his fellow alcoholic enabling gf are just going to get worse. I am sure his alcolism will progress and he may hit his bottom quicker. He is on thin ice as his work colleagues already commented on his problem! He dui's 7 days a week now . So together they will keep drinking till they fall . If he was abusive to me then surely 2 drunken people together will lead to a more volatile relationship between them. I used to try to avoid arguments but she won't as she will also be drunk. Found out she has a history if cheating as well lol so let my ex have it.
I now have chance of a new beginning for me and kids. A new home is pending and I have a fantastic career. I am pretty, am stable, and I would be a catch to a healthy man. I won't be ready for a relationship for a long time but that's ok as I am healing . The ex settled for an alcoholic as no one else would stay with him. But I have a chance in the future to heal, find myself, establish what I want, learn what a healthy relationship is and eventually have one. In the future I just know me and kids will be happy whereas his life may just crumble and to be fair that is what he deserves. If that happens hopefully he will get help , get rid of his alcoholic gf and focus on what should be a priority..... Being a good dad to his children .
I will now try to do my best to focus on the new happy life I am going to have ahead of me
The reality is that me ex with his fellow alcoholic enabling gf are just going to get worse. I am sure his alcolism will progress and he may hit his bottom quicker. He is on thin ice as his work colleagues already commented on his problem! He dui's 7 days a week now . So together they will keep drinking till they fall . If he was abusive to me then surely 2 drunken people together will lead to a more volatile relationship between them. I used to try to avoid arguments but she won't as she will also be drunk. Found out she has a history if cheating as well lol so let my ex have it.
I now have chance of a new beginning for me and kids. A new home is pending and I have a fantastic career. I am pretty, am stable, and I would be a catch to a healthy man. I won't be ready for a relationship for a long time but that's ok as I am healing . The ex settled for an alcoholic as no one else would stay with him. But I have a chance in the future to heal, find myself, establish what I want, learn what a healthy relationship is and eventually have one. In the future I just know me and kids will be happy whereas his life may just crumble and to be fair that is what he deserves. If that happens hopefully he will get help , get rid of his alcoholic gf and focus on what should be a priority..... Being a good dad to his children .
I will now try to do my best to focus on the new happy life I am going to have ahead of me
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Originally Posted by Lifeishard
I now have chance of a new beginning for me and kids. A new home is pending and I have a fantastic career. I am pretty, am stable, and I would be a catch to a healthy man. I won't be ready for a relationship for a long time but that's ok as I am healing . The ex settled for an alcoholic as no one else would stay with him. But I have a chance in the future to heal, find myself, establish what I want, learn what a healthy relationship is and eventually have one. In the future I just know me and kids will be happy whereas his life may just crumble and to be fair that is what he deserves. If that happens hopefully he will get help , get rid of his alcoholic gf and focus on what should be a priority..... Being a good dad to his children .
I will now try to do my best to focus on the new happy life I am going to have ahead of me
keep reading your own words to yourself.
Then go back and read your own first post.
Do you see what we see? You are starting to see the light.
A house with a big backyard would be awesome. How old are the kids?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Lifeishard
And in all if this I fear he will treat his new gf like a princess as she permits his drinking due to her own alcoholism. Why has this happened to me ? I did nothing wrong
Keep your focus on today, and keep looking straight ahead. Hopefully one day you will see this as a blessing and be thankful that this has happened to you. Hugs to you. I've been there (xah left me with three babies for a young girl, and years later they still live in the Kindgom of Craziness.) It does get better with time and space if you focus on yourself and your children. His choices are purely about him. You expected a normal, healthy relationship, and he isn't able to provide that. His path of least resistance is the alcoholic gf. Remember that in your new kingdom there are real princes. The kind who are handsome, charming, and kind and loving. Get yourself to a happy healthy place and those princes will start to make themselves known.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Hi all . My kids are 4 and 7 years of age. Read my previous posts and I was so angry. I need to focus on what I can control not what I can't. So what if they last.... Not a life I want anymore. My therapist agreed with me when I told her I don't know what a healthy relationship is. I will focus on healing and I don't want a relationship yet anyway. I need to get myself strong and learn about healthy boundaries in a relationship. I will find my prince one day and he can have his troll lol .
The viewing earlier went great. Now stuck between 2 houses and seen another one on the internet that I want to view. Kids are excited as well.
You know what my ex has lost a good woman . I believe that. Just hope he finds his bottom as my kids love their dad but have difficulty with watching him sit there drinking cans all day with his gf . I hope he finds his bottom for my children's sake.
The viewing earlier went great. Now stuck between 2 houses and seen another one on the internet that I want to view. Kids are excited as well.
You know what my ex has lost a good woman . I believe that. Just hope he finds his bottom as my kids love their dad but have difficulty with watching him sit there drinking cans all day with his gf . I hope he finds his bottom for my children's sake.
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Originally Posted by Lifeishard
I will find my prince one day and he can have his troll lol .
You know what my ex has lost a good woman . I believe that. Just hope he finds his bottom as my kids love their dad but have difficulty with watching him sit there drinking cans all day with his gf . I hope he finds his bottom for my children's sake.
You know what my ex has lost a good woman . I believe that. Just hope he finds his bottom as my kids love their dad but have difficulty with watching him sit there drinking cans all day with his gf . I hope he finds his bottom for my children's sake.
Watching my kids suffer has been the hardest part of having children with an alcoholic father. It's one thing to suffer yourself, but kids are innocent, unwilling victims. Kudos to you for working on yourself. Your kids will reap the benefits from that as much as you do.
Enjoy your house hunting. It's an exciting time. New beginnings. New memories. New hope. Great stuff.
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I have read as well that having an alcoholic parent living in the family home means there is a significant risk that my kids could have become alcoholics. No way do I want that for my kids. They am have stability with me and when they go to their dads he just sits there necking beer .... Both him and his gf. Let them have their lives but I bet in all if this my and my children will have better lives in the future.
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Originally Posted by Lifeishard
I can't shake what he did to me. I am not like some people who can pick up the pieces be strong and forget it all and move on. I am not able to.
I don't think we forget it all and move on. We work through it and move on. You've mentioned a couple times that your therapist thinks it'll take a while to work through it. Have you discussed with him/her what they think that means? It could be that they're just trying to give you a heads up that you won't be through this by tomorrow and that you need to be patient and gentle with yourself. We all process and work through stuff at different rates, but there never really is a quick and easy fix.
Wishing you continued strength. It's worth the hard work.
(((((hugs)))))
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I think you are doing great Lih--I also see a big change in attitude from first posts
to now.
You are amazing and your kids are lucky to have you for a mom
The prince will come in time when you are ready. As uncertainty suggests,
be patient as there will be good and bad days on the journey where sometimes
you feel like you are going backwards, but really you are moving on to
your greater life
By the way, "Lifeishard" is now officially changed, by the nickname power vested in me, to "Lifeishappening"
Let us know which house you choose and some details about it--I love house shopping!
to now.
You are amazing and your kids are lucky to have you for a mom
The prince will come in time when you are ready. As uncertainty suggests,
be patient as there will be good and bad days on the journey where sometimes
you feel like you are going backwards, but really you are moving on to
your greater life
By the way, "Lifeishard" is now officially changed, by the nickname power vested in me, to "Lifeishappening"
Let us know which house you choose and some details about it--I love house shopping!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
I have narrowed it down to 2 houses now. Will make a decision by Monday . Bit upset today as the ex is taking his gf to pick our daughter up from school. Even had the cheek to bring her to my aunts to pick up my son. My aunt turned around and told him that he is being totally disrespectful to her and me bringing his gf to her house and my kids school . My aunt told he he should be ashamed of himself for choosing an alcoholic ex hooker without a job over me. She told him she did not want him bringing gf to her home anymore to pick up our kids. I messaged him to tell him to keep gf away from my family and my kids school . He messaged me back and said I am a F*****g tw*t and he told me to get on with my pitiful non existent sad life.
I am really upset . How dare he!!! The moms at the school already know she is an alcoholic and he is bringing her to the school. I wish someone would knock him off his pedestal. He is right... I do have a non existent sad life hidden away from everyone in my he as I am too frightened if bumping into him and her in the town I live . So I isolate myself as I don't understand why he is so sad to drive miles to shop in my town, to drink in my town when he has a pub and shop across the road from his home .
I do have a sad life. He has such a big cocky ego. No remorse for what he did . God I wish he could be knocked off it. Won't be long before I move and I treasure that day. Why is he going this to me
I am really upset . How dare he!!! The moms at the school already know she is an alcoholic and he is bringing her to the school. I wish someone would knock him off his pedestal. He is right... I do have a non existent sad life hidden away from everyone in my he as I am too frightened if bumping into him and her in the town I live . So I isolate myself as I don't understand why he is so sad to drive miles to shop in my town, to drink in my town when he has a pub and shop across the road from his home .
I do have a sad life. He has such a big cocky ego. No remorse for what he did . God I wish he could be knocked off it. Won't be long before I move and I treasure that day. Why is he going this to me
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I wish someone would knock him off his pedestal. He is right... I do have a non existent sad life hidden away from everyone in my he as I am too frightened if bumping into him and her in the town I live . So I isolate myself as I don't understand why he is so sad to drive miles to shop in my town, to drink in my town when he has a pub and shop across the road from his home.
What pedestal? This guy is in the gutter. You're putting him up there by giving him so much power over you, tying your happiness and well-being to his behavior. He does these things to get under your skin because he knows it works. I know it bothers you, but it seems like "fake it till ya make it" time. Put on a big cheesy grin when you see them out. Don't isolate yourself, give them a warm greeting. "So nice to see you!" Kill 'em with kindness and they'll get tired of toying with you. The game ends when you stop playing. Take care.
What pedestal? This guy is in the gutter. You're putting him up there by giving him so much power over you, tying your happiness and well-being to his behavior. He does these things to get under your skin because he knows it works. I know it bothers you, but it seems like "fake it till ya make it" time. Put on a big cheesy grin when you see them out. Don't isolate yourself, give them a warm greeting. "So nice to see you!" Kill 'em with kindness and they'll get tired of toying with you. The game ends when you stop playing. Take care.
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Location: gold coast
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Two alcholics dri king together is not a party it is hell. It will never last. Hope karma gets him. Keep smiling knowing you are the one who has won by not having this loser around. Start your new life and let go of the past and be happy to be out of the insanity. Keep your chin up you will heal and live happily ever after. Hugs
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