He chose alcohol and another woman over his family
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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He chose alcohol and another woman over his family
Don't know where to start. 9 months ago my husband left and got himself a rented flat. We have 2 young children. After no contact for weeks he told me he wanted me back but could not come home until he sorted out his drink problem. Over the years I watched my husband go from being my knight in shining armour to someone I know longer know. His verbal abuse over the years was horrific with the last 4 years being the worst. I knew he had a drink problem when I met him but he seemed to have it under control. When I had our younger son 4 years ago his drinking escalated.
Anyhow I told him I did not want the abusive alcoholic around me and the kids and I reminded him of how our relationship once was. He agreed he was an alcoholic and stated that's why he left me. He then went in to say he had joined AA and wanted us to get back on track. We started dating for 6 months, me visiting his flat and him coming to mine but no staying the night as I needed him to prove his focus was on coming off the booze and being a family again.
To cut a long story short one month ago his best friend phoned me and wanted to see me urgently. I met him and he informed me that for the past 6 months whilst we have been dating my ex has never stopped drinking! His friend told me that he didn't drink for hours when he knew he was meeting me and then necked it the minute I left. His friend also told me that my ex was actually in a relationship with an alcoholic woman who lived across the road from him.
His friend said that he couldn't sit back and watch him lie and destroy me after already doing it for years. I phoned my ex who agreed he was with this woman and he told me he loves her and not me! I cried and told him he knew I was having therapy after what he did and he laughed and said it's not working obviously is it! He then denied he was an alcoholic, denied she is one (but she is one as she is well known as the local alcoholic). She is on the dole, is an ex hooker, looks 50 when she is 35 but he wants her.
I am good looking, earn quite a bit, have my own home. My self esteem is battered. Without being disrespectful to her she really is foul looking . Really bad. Now he has cut me dead. He wants a divorce. He is paying for her to go on holiday. He has told me he is blissfully happy and she is the one!
I sit here in shock 9 months after we separated knowing I have wasted 6 months dating him. His family blame me and it's my fault according to them for accusing him if being an alcoholic when they say he is not. He drank alone, 7 days a week, his hands shake without booze, he constantly wrecked if booze everyday, he drank between 8 and 14 cans per day.... 7 days a week... Is that not an alcoholic.
I am devastated. I found out he went to AA 3 times . I am frightened because he is an alcoholic his new gf also being a drinker means he drinks as much as he wants and she says nothing. He is only going to get worse. I still love him but he does not love me.... He has been with his gf for 6 months now and they are engaged. What did I ever do wrong to deserve this. Was it so wrong to want the man I first met without the booze ? I have now lost him forever through no fault if my own while he leads his life happy. I am 42 and am so scared
Anyhow I told him I did not want the abusive alcoholic around me and the kids and I reminded him of how our relationship once was. He agreed he was an alcoholic and stated that's why he left me. He then went in to say he had joined AA and wanted us to get back on track. We started dating for 6 months, me visiting his flat and him coming to mine but no staying the night as I needed him to prove his focus was on coming off the booze and being a family again.
To cut a long story short one month ago his best friend phoned me and wanted to see me urgently. I met him and he informed me that for the past 6 months whilst we have been dating my ex has never stopped drinking! His friend told me that he didn't drink for hours when he knew he was meeting me and then necked it the minute I left. His friend also told me that my ex was actually in a relationship with an alcoholic woman who lived across the road from him.
His friend said that he couldn't sit back and watch him lie and destroy me after already doing it for years. I phoned my ex who agreed he was with this woman and he told me he loves her and not me! I cried and told him he knew I was having therapy after what he did and he laughed and said it's not working obviously is it! He then denied he was an alcoholic, denied she is one (but she is one as she is well known as the local alcoholic). She is on the dole, is an ex hooker, looks 50 when she is 35 but he wants her.
I am good looking, earn quite a bit, have my own home. My self esteem is battered. Without being disrespectful to her she really is foul looking . Really bad. Now he has cut me dead. He wants a divorce. He is paying for her to go on holiday. He has told me he is blissfully happy and she is the one!
I sit here in shock 9 months after we separated knowing I have wasted 6 months dating him. His family blame me and it's my fault according to them for accusing him if being an alcoholic when they say he is not. He drank alone, 7 days a week, his hands shake without booze, he constantly wrecked if booze everyday, he drank between 8 and 14 cans per day.... 7 days a week... Is that not an alcoholic.
I am devastated. I found out he went to AA 3 times . I am frightened because he is an alcoholic his new gf also being a drinker means he drinks as much as he wants and she says nothing. He is only going to get worse. I still love him but he does not love me.... He has been with his gf for 6 months now and they are engaged. What did I ever do wrong to deserve this. Was it so wrong to want the man I first met without the booze ? I have now lost him forever through no fault if my own while he leads his life happy. I am 42 and am so scared
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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First Welcome, and sorry you are here.
This part . . .
He is only going to get worse Probably completely correct.
Likely correct on the lost part . . . but he has been gone for a LONG while.
You just got the news.
And you are correct. No Fault on your part.
Probably not so much. You already did the numbers and line-up on his stuff.
It is grim. Very grim.
So messed up he has to stay drunk just to bear it.
And what he has hooked up with . . . she is going to drag him down to levels below where he would have dragged you.
Meanwhile -- You have kiddos. For now, THAT is your What and Why for you to Do Good and Be Good. Not him, him, him.
This part . . .
He is only going to get worse
I have now lost him forever through no fault if my own
You just got the news.
And you are correct. No Fault on your part.
while he leads his life happy.
It is grim. Very grim.
So messed up he has to stay drunk just to bear it.
And what he has hooked up with . . . she is going to drag him down to levels below where he would have dragged you.
Meanwhile -- You have kiddos. For now, THAT is your What and Why for you to Do Good and Be Good. Not him, him, him.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi Life is Hard!
His behavior (as hard as it seems to believe) has nothing to do with you or your family. It is all about him and his dysfunctional way of dealing with life. You didn't want drinking in your life, he agreed to appease you and not make waves. He then decided he wanted to drink (or couldn't stop) so he lowers his bar to be with someone who doesn't give him crap about drinking. She accepts him for the way his is (in his mind). In reality they provide each other rationalizations for being drunks and behaving poorly. It is not that either one are a catch, just that they are both low so no one gives anyone a hard time.
I understand you pain very well. My exA left me for another woman (who is also known as a hard drinker) and married her. It hurts, I know.
Are you in therapy still? Have you attended alanon?
His behavior (as hard as it seems to believe) has nothing to do with you or your family. It is all about him and his dysfunctional way of dealing with life. You didn't want drinking in your life, he agreed to appease you and not make waves. He then decided he wanted to drink (or couldn't stop) so he lowers his bar to be with someone who doesn't give him crap about drinking. She accepts him for the way his is (in his mind). In reality they provide each other rationalizations for being drunks and behaving poorly. It is not that either one are a catch, just that they are both low so no one gives anyone a hard time.
I understand you pain very well. My exA left me for another woman (who is also known as a hard drinker) and married her. It hurts, I know.
Are you in therapy still? Have you attended alanon?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 43
I agree that his attraction to this woman is based on his addiction & has nothing to do with you. One of the times I kicked my husband out he did the same thing except I didn't find out about it until more than 9 months & a baby later. The woman was the same way, although very attractive (didn't make me feel any better 
She fed into his denial about his alcoholism & all the stinkin' thinkin' & therefore was more "compatible" with him. He eventually dumped her & realized they actually had nothing in common. When he relapsed he cheated again, and this time things are worse. It's painful, I know. Knowing the truth may be a blessing. Take care of you. *hugs!*
She fed into his denial about his alcoholism & all the stinkin' thinkin' & therefore was more "compatible" with him. He eventually dumped her & realized they actually had nothing in common. When he relapsed he cheated again, and this time things are worse. It's painful, I know. Knowing the truth may be a blessing. Take care of you. *hugs!*
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
You know those questions people are asked when they have an evaluation for alcoholism? Some places ask this question:
Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
Sounds like your husband does. Sorry you are going through this. It doesn't seem he is ready to find sobriety yet so he found circumstances that will allow him to keep drinking.
Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
Sounds like your husband does. Sorry you are going through this. It doesn't seem he is ready to find sobriety yet so he found circumstances that will allow him to keep drinking.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Please don't torture yourself with fantasies that they are living some blissful dream life together. The opposite is FAR more likely to be true.
To be happy with another person, you must first be happy with yourself. No one else can "make" someone happy. So do not imagine that she has figured out some magic formula that has eluded you. They are just two broken people struggling to be one whole together, and that is no road to happiness.
To be happy with another person, you must first be happy with yourself. No one else can "make" someone happy. So do not imagine that she has figured out some magic formula that has eluded you. They are just two broken people struggling to be one whole together, and that is no road to happiness.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
I have been going to al-anon for the past 3 months. I understand I have no control over alcohol and did not cause it. This is all just such a shock. The entire 6 months dating living in hope just to find out he is drinking all along. It hurts so much that she knew that he was still with me but we were living separately. Her flat is right opposite his. All along when I was leaving at 8pm to get kids home she was watching waiting for me to go. And I have seen her.... She looks like a total train wreck. My exes best mate told me that is what she was doing.
I focus on my kids and they are my world. It's just do hard. This was my second marriage. My first husband beat me and cheated and he knew all this. To go from telling me that his focus was on us being a family again to this is a total shock. To mock me on the phone re therapy and rubbing salt in my wounds by saying he loves her and no longer loves me has torn me too a million pieces.
Yes I function, I eat, sleep, take care of kids, go to work but I am in total shock and am numb. I can't stop focussing on what we had before he became fully addicted. He truly was my knight in shining armour. His friends remain in shock as they knew him before the drink and they feel this is not the true man they know.... That the addiction has taken him. He is. 40 and has never ever had a history of cheating. This is not the person I once knew. He is abusive, cocky, arrogant, somewhat narcissistic since I found about about her .
He is making me believe it's my fault for nagging about the drink and states he does not have a drink problem. From what he drinks in my first post ..... Does he sound like an alcoholic or is it my thick head like he claims.
Now I have a hard grieving period ahead of me. I am scared his drinking will significantly increase as I used to 'limit' or pour away his drink. She won't. As he progresses the kids may lose their dad. And although I am no longer in his life I have the painful knowledge that the disease will progress and I fear for him as I love him. I will love from a distance without him knowing how I feel as I have walked away to maintain my dignity. It's such a shame he has chosen a drinker over his wife and 2 beautiful kids .
I focus on my kids and they are my world. It's just do hard. This was my second marriage. My first husband beat me and cheated and he knew all this. To go from telling me that his focus was on us being a family again to this is a total shock. To mock me on the phone re therapy and rubbing salt in my wounds by saying he loves her and no longer loves me has torn me too a million pieces.
Yes I function, I eat, sleep, take care of kids, go to work but I am in total shock and am numb. I can't stop focussing on what we had before he became fully addicted. He truly was my knight in shining armour. His friends remain in shock as they knew him before the drink and they feel this is not the true man they know.... That the addiction has taken him. He is. 40 and has never ever had a history of cheating. This is not the person I once knew. He is abusive, cocky, arrogant, somewhat narcissistic since I found about about her .
He is making me believe it's my fault for nagging about the drink and states he does not have a drink problem. From what he drinks in my first post ..... Does he sound like an alcoholic or is it my thick head like he claims.
Now I have a hard grieving period ahead of me. I am scared his drinking will significantly increase as I used to 'limit' or pour away his drink. She won't. As he progresses the kids may lose their dad. And although I am no longer in his life I have the painful knowledge that the disease will progress and I fear for him as I love him. I will love from a distance without him knowing how I feel as I have walked away to maintain my dignity. It's such a shame he has chosen a drinker over his wife and 2 beautiful kids .
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Location: Iowa
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He then denied he was an alcoholic, denied she is one (but she is one as she is well known as the local alcoholic). She is on the dole, is an ex hooker, looks 50 when she is 35 but he wants her.
I am good looking, earn quite a bit, have my own home.
Hugs. You know I think that what they say about "birds of a feather" applies here. You are too good for him. Your good looks and competence and independence are a threat to HIS self-esteem, that's why he tried to drag you down all these years. When he found that he couldn't, he found someone who was on his level. Neither one of them is winning a prize, no matter what nonsense he is spouting to hurt you right now.
Go ahead and grieve for the man you once loved, because it sounds like he is lost in his disease. So sorry you and your kids are going through this. Stay strong and keep posting. You can get through this painful time and come out better and stronger than ever.
I am good looking, earn quite a bit, have my own home.
Hugs. You know I think that what they say about "birds of a feather" applies here. You are too good for him. Your good looks and competence and independence are a threat to HIS self-esteem, that's why he tried to drag you down all these years. When he found that he couldn't, he found someone who was on his level. Neither one of them is winning a prize, no matter what nonsense he is spouting to hurt you right now.
Go ahead and grieve for the man you once loved, because it sounds like he is lost in his disease. So sorry you and your kids are going through this. Stay strong and keep posting. You can get through this painful time and come out better and stronger than ever.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
That the addiction has taken him. He is. 40 and has never ever had a history of cheating. This is not the person I once knew.
but it IS who he is TODAY and that is who you deal with. and it ain't pretty. who knows what set him off on this path....
now it's about you and the kids. and getting an attorney. and protecting yourself and your assets and your sanity.
but it IS who he is TODAY and that is who you deal with. and it ain't pretty. who knows what set him off on this path....
now it's about you and the kids. and getting an attorney. and protecting yourself and your assets and your sanity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
He has told me I can keep the house as long as I leave his pension alone. That's a fair deal as almost mortgage free. He pays maintenance. This just hurts so much and I am starting to think if I put up with it he would still be here now. Al-anon teaches you to detach. I wish I went there a long time ago. By the way his first wife left him due to his drinking after 11 years. I saw his drink problem when I met him but he appeared to reduce it. Both my parents are alcoholics. I put up with so much .... Too much. Still so shocked to find out about the alcoholic gf when we were dating and I thought putting 'us' back together . I know I need to focus on me but this is all killing me emotionally. He has played with my feelings and mind and thinks its funny I go to therapy. What's do funny about destroying the mother of his kids?
I have cut contact with him and our mutual friends. Him telling me he doesn't love me was so clear and he was indifferent and emotionless. He said he fell out of love with me 9 months ago when he first left. Why use me then for 6 months? Was it a game just to see if the other woman would stick around so he could then dump me? God this kills. I cry when kids are on bed so they don't see me . I think I am depressed and need time off work. I have no friends now, 2 alcoholic parents, his family have disowned me for telling them about their sons drinking problem, I have no siblings I have no one. The last month I have just isolated myself in my house . I am staying in to try to heal in privacy and to think and focus on me .
I have cut contact with him and our mutual friends. Him telling me he doesn't love me was so clear and he was indifferent and emotionless. He said he fell out of love with me 9 months ago when he first left. Why use me then for 6 months? Was it a game just to see if the other woman would stick around so he could then dump me? God this kills. I cry when kids are on bed so they don't see me . I think I am depressed and need time off work. I have no friends now, 2 alcoholic parents, his family have disowned me for telling them about their sons drinking problem, I have no siblings I have no one. The last month I have just isolated myself in my house . I am staying in to try to heal in privacy and to think and focus on me .
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Detatchment is detatchment and it does help you cope. However, you are (like it or not) being forced to move on, and I promise it will be a good thing for you. It is grief just like someone has passed away, allow yourself to feel it and then you will heal from it.
I don't think you should have cut yourself off from mutual friends. I do however think you should not cover up for him and just be honest. You need a support system, a face to face support system. Have you thought about Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? Those programs may really benefit you, to be around people who understand what you are going through.
My heart is with you, you can do this.
God Bless.
I don't think you should have cut yourself off from mutual friends. I do however think you should not cover up for him and just be honest. You need a support system, a face to face support system. Have you thought about Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? Those programs may really benefit you, to be around people who understand what you are going through.
My heart is with you, you can do this.
God Bless.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You just can't take what they say at face value. He MUST project all of the problems on to you in order to continue to deny that HE is the problem. He must diminish and ridicule and demean you if he is to protect his own addiction. If you blindly believe every word that comes out of his mouth you will not be able to hear the voice inside of yourself that knows you did your best, and you did not deserve to be treated the way you were.
One of the most powerful things anyone said to me when I was going through a terrible, unjust break up that I just couldn't understand was that "hurting people hurt people". It was not an idea that, in and of itself, diminished my own pain, but it did help diminish my obsessive need to make sense out of everything he said and did and all the contradictions in between. He was broken, and I was in the way.
He is an alcoholic. If he was capable of the kind of love you want from him, he would be able to love himself enough to commit to recovery and get better. Right now, that is not who he is. And as painful and confusing as the whole mess is, it doesn't have anything to do with you.
You are the only one with the power to destroy you. You can choose a different way. Please keep posting here so that you remember that you are not alone. Sending you strength, patience, and courage to provide yourself with the love and validation you cannot get from him.
One of the most powerful things anyone said to me when I was going through a terrible, unjust break up that I just couldn't understand was that "hurting people hurt people". It was not an idea that, in and of itself, diminished my own pain, but it did help diminish my obsessive need to make sense out of everything he said and did and all the contradictions in between. He was broken, and I was in the way.
He is an alcoholic. If he was capable of the kind of love you want from him, he would be able to love himself enough to commit to recovery and get better. Right now, that is not who he is. And as painful and confusing as the whole mess is, it doesn't have anything to do with you.
You are the only one with the power to destroy you. You can choose a different way. Please keep posting here so that you remember that you are not alone. Sending you strength, patience, and courage to provide yourself with the love and validation you cannot get from him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Lifeishard 
The entire 6 months dating living in hope just to find out he is drinking all along.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
Finding yourself again sounds like a great plan!! Way to go! Right now I have NO idea who I am. I was told to keep going to Al anon so this type of relationship doesn't happen to me again. I mourn for my AH (separated 3 months now) too, but then I stop and think........is this what I want my future to look like?? NO WAY. 42 is too young (I'm 42 as well with 2 kids).
Unfortunately, your story is very similar to a lot of other stories posted on this site and it stinks but it you keep reading the stories on here about how many people in our shoes now have peace, happiness, a secure and loving marriage, that gives me hope. Though it seems impossible right now.
You are NOT alone, we are here. PM me anytime! I feel lonely too.
Unfortunately, your story is very similar to a lot of other stories posted on this site and it stinks but it you keep reading the stories on here about how many people in our shoes now have peace, happiness, a secure and loving marriage, that gives me hope. Though it seems impossible right now.
You are NOT alone, we are here. PM me anytime! I feel lonely too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Thank you to everyone who has responded . At the moment I need hope. I need hope that I. Will get through the sheer grief and agony I feel. It's that bad I sometimes physically vomit with the stress if it all . My little boy wants his father so much. My little girl wants her dad back but she is 7 and already understands enough to say I don't want daddy living with us no more mommy, I don't like him drinking. You see it affected us all.
In response to comments , I see your point about dating but it was his idea as he knew full well he was not moving back home whilst drinking. He suggested us having a relationship whilst living separately so I suppose it was not dating as such. Knowing the gf walked straight across the road to his flat the minute I left makes me sick. She is known as an alcoholic who is desperate to marry a man with money . I know a lot about her as it's surprising how many people want to spill the beans as they are shocked at what he has settled for. So she will get his fat juicy pension, his massive salary (he is a functioning alcoholic ) and continue to feed him and her with booze. I know do much about her it's shocking but it's up to my now stbxh to discover this when he reached his rock bottom and she bleeds him dry. And she is on the dole, he is paying for her and her child to go on holiday and yet he refuses to contribute to the child trust fund savings for his own kids.
This all hurts. I don't have money to take kids away and yet he earns over 80 k. He won't pay his fair share in maintenance and he says tough so then we get into nasty arguments and I throw in his face that he pays for his gf and her child's meals, weekends away, day trips, holidays so I get angry and bitter as she does not earn a penny ! She needs him to feed her addiction as she is penniless. He needs her as he is an alcoholic as no healthy person will have him .
But I will let this all go . I will keep putting one foot ahead off me for me and the kids. We didn't deserve that life. It was abusive and the name calling, bullying and emotional torture was awful . I will focus on me and getting a better life for me and kids and hopefully one day I will find that person who treats me with the respect I deserve . I have a high paid job, am independent , am honest , loving and have a lot to offer. Although I am emotionally wrecked at least I have found out the person that he now is.... Someone I no longer know. No longer will I walk on eggshells , fear coming home from work wondering how much he has drunk, have to hide car keys to stop DUI (he has been done before).
I need to find my own life now but god it hurts.... It hurts so much . He is lost to me forever
In response to comments , I see your point about dating but it was his idea as he knew full well he was not moving back home whilst drinking. He suggested us having a relationship whilst living separately so I suppose it was not dating as such. Knowing the gf walked straight across the road to his flat the minute I left makes me sick. She is known as an alcoholic who is desperate to marry a man with money . I know a lot about her as it's surprising how many people want to spill the beans as they are shocked at what he has settled for. So she will get his fat juicy pension, his massive salary (he is a functioning alcoholic ) and continue to feed him and her with booze. I know do much about her it's shocking but it's up to my now stbxh to discover this when he reached his rock bottom and she bleeds him dry. And she is on the dole, he is paying for her and her child to go on holiday and yet he refuses to contribute to the child trust fund savings for his own kids.
This all hurts. I don't have money to take kids away and yet he earns over 80 k. He won't pay his fair share in maintenance and he says tough so then we get into nasty arguments and I throw in his face that he pays for his gf and her child's meals, weekends away, day trips, holidays so I get angry and bitter as she does not earn a penny ! She needs him to feed her addiction as she is penniless. He needs her as he is an alcoholic as no healthy person will have him .
But I will let this all go . I will keep putting one foot ahead off me for me and the kids. We didn't deserve that life. It was abusive and the name calling, bullying and emotional torture was awful . I will focus on me and getting a better life for me and kids and hopefully one day I will find that person who treats me with the respect I deserve . I have a high paid job, am independent , am honest , loving and have a lot to offer. Although I am emotionally wrecked at least I have found out the person that he now is.... Someone I no longer know. No longer will I walk on eggshells , fear coming home from work wondering how much he has drunk, have to hide car keys to stop DUI (he has been done before).
I need to find my own life now but god it hurts.... It hurts so much . He is lost to me forever
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
I have been going to al-anon for 3 months by the way. I regret not going there much sooner as I could have learned how to detach. I am upset as I know about detachment now and if I went to Al-anon years ago maybe I could have detached instead of nagging about his drink. It upsets me as I feel it's my fault he left as I nagged but I didn't know the skills Al-anon has taught me now
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I don't think you nagging or not would have have any real impact on his drinking.
Sounds like he is choosing the downward slide, and you should not blame yourself in any way for that.
What did you do but care about him, birth and raise his children, manage the house, and keep working and earning a good living as well on top of all that?
If there is any guilt, I think you can safely hand it off to him.
You deserve better and you did nothing to cause this situation or keep him drinking.
Please believe that.
Work on the detachment.
It will get better.
Sounds like he is choosing the downward slide, and you should not blame yourself in any way for that.
What did you do but care about him, birth and raise his children, manage the house, and keep working and earning a good living as well on top of all that?
If there is any guilt, I think you can safely hand it off to him.
You deserve better and you did nothing to cause this situation or keep him drinking.
Please believe that.
Work on the detachment.
It will get better.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Lifeishard
Thank you to everyone who has responded . At the moment I need hope. I need hope that I. Will get through the sheer grief and agony I feel. It's that bad I sometimes physically vomit with the stress if it all . My little boy wants his father so much. My little girl wants her dad back but she is 7 and already understands enough to say I don't want daddy living with us no more mommy, I don't like him drinking. You see it affected us all.
In response to comments , I see your point about dating but it was his idea as he knew full well he was not moving back home whilst drinking. He suggested us having a relationship whilst living separately so I suppose it was not dating as such. Knowing the gf walked straight across the road to his flat the minute I left makes me sick. She is known as an alcoholic who is desperate to marry a man with money . I know a lot about her as it's surprising how many people want to spill the beans as they are shocked at what he has settled for. So she will get his fat juicy pension, his massive salary (he is a functioning alcoholic ) and continue to feed him and her with booze. I know do much about her it's shocking but it's up to my now stbxh to discover this when he reached his rock bottom and she bleeds him dry. And she is on the dole, he is paying for her and her child to go on holiday and yet he refuses to contribute to the child trust fund savings for his own kids.
This all hurts. I don't have money to take kids away and yet he earns over 80 k. He won't pay his fair share in maintenance and he says tough so then we get into nasty arguments and I throw in his face that he pays for his gf and her child's meals, weekends away, day trips, holidays so I get angry and bitter as she does not earn a penny ! She needs him to feed her addiction as she is penniless. He needs her as he is an alcoholic as no healthy person will have him .
But I will let this all go . I will keep putting one foot ahead off me for me and the kids. We didn't deserve that life. It was abusive and the name calling, bullying and emotional torture was awful . I will focus on me and getting a better life for me and kids and hopefully one day I will find that person who treats me with the respect I deserve . I have a high paid job, am independent , am honest , loving and have a lot to offer. Although I am emotionally wrecked at least I have found out the person that he now is.... Someone I no longer know. No longer will I walk on eggshells , fear coming home from work wondering how much he has drunk, have to hide car keys to stop DUI (he has been done before).
I need to find my own life now but god it hurts.... It hurts so much . He is lost to me forever
In response to comments , I see your point about dating but it was his idea as he knew full well he was not moving back home whilst drinking. He suggested us having a relationship whilst living separately so I suppose it was not dating as such. Knowing the gf walked straight across the road to his flat the minute I left makes me sick. She is known as an alcoholic who is desperate to marry a man with money . I know a lot about her as it's surprising how many people want to spill the beans as they are shocked at what he has settled for. So she will get his fat juicy pension, his massive salary (he is a functioning alcoholic ) and continue to feed him and her with booze. I know do much about her it's shocking but it's up to my now stbxh to discover this when he reached his rock bottom and she bleeds him dry. And she is on the dole, he is paying for her and her child to go on holiday and yet he refuses to contribute to the child trust fund savings for his own kids.
This all hurts. I don't have money to take kids away and yet he earns over 80 k. He won't pay his fair share in maintenance and he says tough so then we get into nasty arguments and I throw in his face that he pays for his gf and her child's meals, weekends away, day trips, holidays so I get angry and bitter as she does not earn a penny ! She needs him to feed her addiction as she is penniless. He needs her as he is an alcoholic as no healthy person will have him .
But I will let this all go . I will keep putting one foot ahead off me for me and the kids. We didn't deserve that life. It was abusive and the name calling, bullying and emotional torture was awful . I will focus on me and getting a better life for me and kids and hopefully one day I will find that person who treats me with the respect I deserve . I have a high paid job, am independent , am honest , loving and have a lot to offer. Although I am emotionally wrecked at least I have found out the person that he now is.... Someone I no longer know. No longer will I walk on eggshells , fear coming home from work wondering how much he has drunk, have to hide car keys to stop DUI (he has been done before).
I need to find my own life now but god it hurts.... It hurts so much . He is lost to me forever
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Hi yes I am in therapy. Having counselling for grief as well
As issues in relation to co-dependence. My ex mocked me re being in therapy as per my previous post. It's so hard. I couldn't give him anymore . I have me my all. It was all about his needs not mine. All him him him and stuff my needs. He didn't care about what me and kids wanted or needed. And I shouldn't but I focus on them being happy whereas my heart is torn out and I don't know where to turn. I don't understand how one minute he loves me and the second I find out about new gf he tells me to go and drop dead and he hopes I write myself off in the car. He told me to find my own life but how. The kids want him and miss him (7 year old doesn't want him back drinking ) and I don't know how to focus on me when he doesn't bother seeing kids so I can try and build a social life . I am so lonely . I take my kids to clubs and do my best to give them a good childhood but my mental health is rapidly worsening. This is killing me.
As issues in relation to co-dependence. My ex mocked me re being in therapy as per my previous post. It's so hard. I couldn't give him anymore . I have me my all. It was all about his needs not mine. All him him him and stuff my needs. He didn't care about what me and kids wanted or needed. And I shouldn't but I focus on them being happy whereas my heart is torn out and I don't know where to turn. I don't understand how one minute he loves me and the second I find out about new gf he tells me to go and drop dead and he hopes I write myself off in the car. He told me to find my own life but how. The kids want him and miss him (7 year old doesn't want him back drinking ) and I don't know how to focus on me when he doesn't bother seeing kids so I can try and build a social life . I am so lonely . I take my kids to clubs and do my best to give them a good childhood but my mental health is rapidly worsening. This is killing me.
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It was all about his needs not mine. All him him him and stuff my needs. He didn't care about what me and kids wanted or needed.
When you get out from under the fog of grief; when you truly understand that his leaving you had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him, then you will also see that what he gave you was far less than you and the children deserve.
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